Romantic love and friendly love

[In Flux]

I sometimes have debates about whether love between friends can be as strong (or stronger) than romantic love. In principle, I see no reason why it could not be as strong, or stronger. But in practice I think I see important differences.

For example, I have the sensation that between friends you are supposed to maintain some degree of reservation. When you look into the eyes of your lover, this can be likened to starting a non-verbal conversation, and you can communicate a deep love and affection this way. Especially if you are in love, you might keep this communication going for minutes (or on-and-off during the entire evening). I don't see friends staring in each others eyes for long stretches of time in the same way to tell each other how much they love them (they do it, but much more fleetingly). If friendly love is as strong as romantic love, then why don't people usually do this?

I have also seen the exception (two people who are not lovers but show the same kind of intensity in their friendship). I'm also writing this because I feel that something important is missing if I don't have a romantic partner, and it annoys me when people say that it's okay because you can still have friends. Friends are great, but *in practice* I think it doesn't offer the same intensity, so if you desire to go "deep" then I think that in most cases you won't be able to, at least not in the same degree.

I should also add that I don't even think I could feel as strong about a friend as I could about a lover, because somehow the whole experience of being with a lover naturally expresses itself into making this deep connection. I think you can compare it to the love between a mother and her child. This love has a deep spiritual meaning, but at the same time, our bodies are wired for it (nature intended for this connection to happen).

Perhaps it's a sign of maturity if you don't need sexual attraction to open your heart to someone. Between lovers, there is a natural drive to be close, which makes the experience more intense, but maybe between mature people (which I don't claim to be) the contact with friends is just as "deep" nonetheless?

Hi... Yes, and it's always been a talking point, especially when it is friends of the opposite sex. Usually, we think of friends as same sex.. and we do love them.. true friends I mean. My son describes his lifelong friend as close to him as his biological brothers, once telling me that he felt they might be soulmates, and opening telling me that he loved him... And yet the thought of an intimate relationship between them would be "unthinkable" as neither are gay/ bi-sexual. However, if this best friend had been female for instance, I know full well that the urge to become intimate , at times, would have presented itself very strongly..... I think love between friends of the opposite is spoilt, once it crosses the boundaries of friendship...and that's why it often doesn't happen, because the friendship is too precious to be spoilt. And I suppose that's why there is no gazing deeply into friends eyes, it is too intimate. Love, when it happens, is that wonderful moment of being able to do that ... Gaze into eyes, and become intimate in many ways. But it can also be very short-lived and cause pain and heart - ache, unless you are very lucky !!..... And that's the difference really...true friends would never hurt you or cause you pain... And that's why we love them so much....

[In Flux]

Hi Elfin, thanks for your reply, I will give it some more thought :-).

[Altair]

Originally Posted by In Flux

Perhaps it's a sign of maturity if you don't need sexual attraction to open your heart to someone. Between lovers, there is a natural drive to be close, which makes the experience more intense, but maybe between mature people (which I don't claim to be) the contact with friends is just as "deep" nonetheless?

I think that is a mature attitude (but I don't claim to be that either=D).
I think it may be a lack in all of us that we like one person and feel love, but don't feel that for another. I am not really surprised that the people that throughout history, have really pushed spirituality to the extreme, were pretty much asexual and without a 'spouse'. If you're on that level why would you need ''a special someone'' when the beauty is in all? I don't claim to be there, but yeah, I can imagine I'd be totally asexual if I ever got there. Sexual attraction has its use in this world but beyond that, what would be the point when you're supposed to feel everything you need in yourself?

[FairyCrystal]

What you're trying to do is comparing apples and pears.
They're two entirely different things and the purpose of a romantic partner and friends is different.
So even if you care a lot about a friend, it isn't the same as the love you have for your romantic partner.
Also, a friend is often based on one or a few aspects. For instance, I've had friends based on the study we both did and both going through divorce at the same time.
Other friends that were more based on pregnancy and having young kids. Sharing a passion for gardening was an nice extra :)

With a partner it's usually based on many more aspects which is why you want to spend your life with them. It's a more complete connection in that sense.
The looking in the eyes thing... that comes from the inside out, based on the depth of the connection. Since you don't have that with a friend it'd be horrible awkward.
It can be awkward with a lover too btw, but then it's more because you feel naked in that depth of the moment. With a friend it's more about crossing a boundary of personal privacy.

No matter how you twist and turn things, an apple wont ever be a pear and vice versa.
Why would you want to?

I think part of the problem is with the word "love".
Far too much just a blanket which used alone can evoke as many perceptions as there are people on the planet.

It's possible to be more specific which can imply the "drive" underlying the connection or potential connection.

devotion
adoration
adulation
passion
lust
admiration
appreciation
complete (unconditional) acceptance.

The word love allows people to delude themselves so often even when mutual. How easy it is to proclaim love when it's driven by lust / passion which will burn itself out in the end. Or that it's unconditional when there are clearly conditions attached.

Not a word I use often except when aimed at something inanimate.
However, just my opinion.
.

[In Flux]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

What you're trying to do is comparing apples and pears.
They're two entirely different things and the purpose of a romantic partner and friends is different.
So even if you care a lot about a friend, it isn't the same as the love you have for your romantic partner.

Yes, I agree that it's usually like that. That's why I sometimes find myself explaining to friends that I miss a romantic partner and that - for me - this is a desire that friendship cannot compensate for.

But at the same time I have a feeling that love for a friend, a lover, a child, your teacher, it all comes down to the same "thing" (in a spiritual sense I'd say it's an expression of who we are), but that we just express it somewhat differently depending on our roles. Since we are human beings these roles make a difference (loving your child will always be different from loving your partner). Just as my life feels incomplete without a lover, I can very well imagine that someone else's life feels incomplete without having a child, because it's not like one form of love (e.g. friendship) can always substitute for another.

Unless like Altair mentioned we reach a point where spiritual practice makes our life so full-filling that we don't feel a lack for a particular kind of love (and we are happy regardless).

[In Flux]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

The word love allows people to delude themselves so often even when mutual..

Yes, true. And in general I'm more and more surprised how far we can go with deluding ourselves, with almost anything (and as many have said, it's easier to see it in others than in ourselves :-) ).

[Ziusudra]

Every relationship is different, as every human being is unique, although many aspects of us are predictable.

In general, a romantic relationship is about sexual urge/needs. It does not always include the genuine deep friendship.
When romance/sexual attractions leaves a romantic coupling relationship, the relationship dissolves if there has never been a strong mutual friendship as a base.
From a spiritual angle, a romantic energy/connection brings two people together to serve a purpose or to learn a lesson or to go through a passage.

However, a strong friendship with mutual respect, caring, likes, and trust can last a lifetime or even eternity. It certainly does not dissolve even after years of separation. Friends does not always serve a purpose, except to be a companion and to support each other during difficulties.

Greatest relationships are based on a strong friendship, not based on romance.