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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 23-10-2022, 08:15 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Best to be around or be alone?

I wonder if anyone has been through something like this or know what the best outcome is?

In the past my husband, who is on the autism spectrum, was a perfectionist. He had anxiety but did not recognize it as such. He could find the smallest thing to complain about, if I (as a home wife) had not done something according to his priority list or by accident missed something.

He was also "hoovering" over my body and looks in ways that got to be too much for me.

All and all I ended up not feeling good enough and getting anxiety, as it was back then clear he was on one hand not satisfied with me how I was, while I did not have any complaints on him. As my feelings for him began to change, die out, I then had a shield against all this, I was fighting back. I was trying to make him realize that even if it was hard to believe, I was not the one with the problem here - he was.

As he has now changed my feelings for him has gone up, awoken, or a new birth of it. The problem with that is that I now stand without my shield, and I have began to have anxiety again, that my body, my appearance is not good enough for him, that things isn't just perfect by the time he gets home.

I have asked him before if maybe better we live in 2 different places but he always said that he did not want that. That he was sorry. That he knew he was the one with the problem (once he got to that realization). He would promise me again and again he had changed, only to fall back into old patterns again. He seem to have changed, for real.

About my appearance, weight, he now more often give me compliments. In the past it was as if he was trying to change me from all kinds of angles. On one hand worried about my health, but placing the importance on the looks.
I had gain some weight and to me that was just fine, but to him it wasn't. Again he succeeded in finding faults, faults in the home I did not see or care about and now on my body. I got so hurt I left him.

One of the things he then came up with during our split was him saying that I looked so pretty and it was killing him that he knew he was not even allowed to touch me, to give me a hug. I told him my weight was most likely the same if not more so I don't know what he was talking about, he had before said hurtful things to me (that caused me to leave him) to then make a U-turn like that. Another time he suddenly came up with the sentence that now my body type was his new taste. I asked him if he was seriously alright (again I could not understand the U-turn). Before it was all that "you have to watch it" that I could not gain more weight, that "I am not attracted to fat women", I asked him "I'm fat now?" and he said no, but that he was afraid "by the way you are going" I was going to be. Think I asked him What was his problem?
Another time he thought he came up with a great defense, this too during our separation, when he suddenly asked me if I could ever think of a single time he had ever rejected me in bed? That was it not he who would be rejected (but that he understood I was tired etc). I could not think of any time. He said "See - I've always been attracted to you". Some time later we decided to try again.

Thing is I have always felt his eyes on me, and that has not always been a good thing. I have felt it before when trying to eat something. I do not enjoy eating anything with him around me, as it reminds me of how it use to be.
It was that way too back in time when he thought I was too underweight and he was trying to make me eat more, so it has not only been him trying to make me not eat certain things he does not think are healthy enough (well they haven't been, I'll give him that but it has been my choice since I eat enough healthy as it is).

He thinks now that I have to simply go through this stage of anxiety and not escape but that he will prove meanwhile that he has changed and that he will not be on my case.

He says if he allows me more space then he is afraid he will loose me, or that I will run away from all this, and not face them straight forward. That he's sorry this is something he knows he is guilty of having done to me, but that he has changed.

Is he right about me simply having to expose myself to this always, or do I have to find my safe-areas where I am not triggered? Really want this not good enough, anxiety feelings to go away. It is so bizarre. i can see, tell the present him is not acting, saying stuff like that no more, but I have years of memories of him being less or more so, and too before the empty promises he had changed, but then he hadn't - he still had a problem with it.
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  #2  
Old 23-10-2022, 09:23 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,385
 
you don't HAVE to do anything. You can run again if you want. OTOH sometimes when faced with a situation I don't want, I've had to stay through it, and at the end I've been very glad I didn't choose to run. Not that I liked a minute of it while it was happening lol...

like i've said before, life will go on regardless of what you choose.
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  #3  
Old 23-10-2022, 09:50 PM
JustBe JustBe is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Your going around in circles asearcher with your body issues.

It’s coming up again and again just in different forms of your posts.

He’s your teacher until you decide he isn’t.

Your triggers and issues won’t go away just because you move away from him.

Until you feel your good enough this will play out forever.

As you get older and start showing signs of aging that all of us will go through in some form, you’ll struggle even more.

Both of you are modelling growth to either move beyond this or continue this sad spiral of entanglement.

You were not born to please others.

You were born to be you, live your life you’re way.

I think it’s time you gave yourself permission to find your own joy of being, that isn’t dependent on others.
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Your trials did not come to punish you, but to awaken you - to make you realise that you are a part of Spirit and that just behind the sparks of your life is
the Flame of Infinity.
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  #4  
Old 23-10-2022, 10:13 PM
asearcher
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Thank you so much, Falling leaves.

On one hand I know how ironic this is . This is how I wanted him - I wanted him to be free of his past, the chains of having a narcissist for a parent, I wanted him to be able to step it down a bit and not have so high demands on himself, even if I knew he could and would achieve those, I still think it was anxiety driven behind all that.

To me his anxiety would first come off as irritation, be on the defense, aggressiveness to then turn around and he would become sad and wanting to sort everything out and he would apologize, his feeling would dominate. He would say so himself too. In fights he knew his feelings would take over.

I still have these bad memories of all the stuff he would say to me. It would only make things worse. When he then returned to try to work it out, I would then confront him about all the, or some of the stuff he had said, and he would then say that he could not remember. He had black outs. But for me to please not listen to him when he got like that. That he didn't mean them. He would go into total despair, saying he was terrified of me leaving him. Now I know having black outs like that could be sign of autism. I would notice during the fight it was when it passed a limit that it was as if he was on repeat and I couldn't reach him. It was then as if I just knew. Even if what he would say would continue to hurt more, make things worse, I chose not to participate. When we finally looked into autism I remember that hit home, right there. I am not saying i was an angel and without faults and had not deserved being yelled at etc but it was the whole content of it that was different. That I did not think it should have been that hard. Plus he would always take off. If we were in the car - he would park and leave the car. I know I one time thought as he slowed down that ****, he is going to ask me to leave the car and he is going to drive away from me, and somehow automatically as he then parked I was getting ready to leave then, he instantly stopped me, saying "You stay!", and then he left. I think it was somehow even if he was mad as hell with me at the time, that he was trying to protect me. Same thing if home. One time I left. He afterwards told me to not do that, if anyone had to leave, it would be him. Even at times when he would leave he would say "I'm not leaving you!" as in I'm not dumping you. I was sort or relieved when he would leave because he would get so angry before he would start to hit things with his fist etc. When and if he would get physical (not on me) it was as if that was a sign for him that he was loosing control, and he would take off very soon after. I would not say or do anything if and when he would start to hit things or throw things (not in my direction). Times when I would jump as it got so sudden.

He would never give me no space, unless it was on his time, so when he returned he was ready to sort things out, and it was again me putting my own feelings aside, I was so tired at times.

A part of me think that he is reacting this way now, because he wants to give me space, when he needs space (when he was so angry back then) but I think just the idea of giving me space would most likely give him anxiety. If I was in the car. If I was home - then he knew where I was at and he could still sort of control the situation.

Just the other day we went for a walk and he said this is where I walked when we were fighting (way before), trying to cool myself down but being terrified you were leaving me.

He has so many words now. He expresses himself, his feelings completely different. He is never on the defense no more. He combines his feelings with his physical symptoms which he never did before.

Before when he would tell me I was so sensitive, it was also because he honestly could not see what I saw. I could tell he was not sensitive, he could continue to joke with someone without being able to read off their reaction to it, while I could see that the person was getting hurt or angry. He could not tell. On me - he could tell, said it was easy. But how to convince someone what I saw was real - and that he was blind to it? I knew I had a sensitivity to it, and I realized he had a non sensitivity to it, but it was not because he lacked empathy, it was because his eyes, his brain could not because of his autism, detect it. That is very different BTW (just have to add this) from a narcissist who like me has cognitive empathy (and that is it for a narcissist) which makes it possible for a narcissist to manipulate people without having any quilt of doing that. It stops at that cognitive, does not have the other kinds. Sorry, I got a little off track here.
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  #5  
Old 23-10-2022, 10:15 PM
asearcher
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Thank you you too just the same Justbe, as FallingLeaves.
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  #6  
Old 23-10-2022, 10:22 PM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3,514
 
Not sure what age bracket you're in asearcher, just thought I'd mention that divorce and separation are common amongst people in their 30's (who got together earlier in life).


I went through this with myself and friends around me, some who decided to stick it out and some who decided to stay. Some who decide to stay talk about reaching a deeper level of acceptance and understanding for self and their partners.


I left because I wasn't able to go through the growth that my soul needed within my relationship. I had some residual inherited patterns which played out through dating and meeting other people.

It is as though the separation fast tracked my progress of healing and clearing my own karma.



I don't feel that either path, to stay or go is an easy one. Sometimes the other side looks easier when you're standing from its polarity point.


Either way, the soul asks for growth and whatever you choose will most likely facilitate the growth you're needing.
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  #7  
Old 24-10-2022, 02:35 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,625
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Lol perfectionist..

I like things done in a certain way and I enjoy doing it my self- but trouble is tf likes the same- she turning while she’s suspended lol
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Vampire speed..

Arabic first language (English)—- bear with me and please be patient)
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  #8  
Old 24-10-2022, 05:48 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Hi, thank you everyone for writing here, and not being judgemental at all, but being very helpful.

It is more easy for me to see what someone else is doing wrong. Like when I thought I had come through to my husband about one thing, it then felt as if he just moved the problem around. What he was moving around was his anxiety. It really did not have to do with the situation/s, or me, in that sense.

Now just as JustBe points out I am the one who is going around in circles, the very thing I before thought my husband was doing before.

RedEmbers, yes, I see. I know of people the same way, some split up, some stay. I think you put it beautifully about the growth of the soul. Thank you for your compassion.

Lostsoul13, as long as you can keep it playful and from the description of it you can then it is not the sickness, the level of it, why I can tell you had your LOL there as well.

I think I am good enough in other areas in life, other roles. I have no wish to look different. I want to look just like the mix that I am. I even keep scars because they tell a story and I don't mind them there. That's me. If someone think that is ugly and want to have it removed that is on them.

I think anxiety can find it's way in just about anything. Like I know what my husband want it to be about: Keeping healthy, exercising - having that interest, both of us - there is nothing wrong with that. There was something wrong with his perfectionism though and where it steamed from. There is something wrong when you start to mock and put down your sexual partner, who has dared and have an intimate relationship with you, and the mother of your child/children's look. I think we both had a point to make but stood on two sides of it and it got to be a right or wrong matter.

For a long time I did not think I had this vulnerability, not honestly when it came to my looks, or weight. Not that I thought I was a star or anything, but I did not have complex and could not understand why others had any. I was going through old home videos the other day. Even in a home video I heard my husband, holding the camera, and the baby is tiny, to turn the camera on to me, him saying that I had almost already lost all the weight I had put on during pregnancy, and look at you, you're stunning. I basically stood there with my hair up in some pony tail, no make up, and wearing nothing, but clothes to relax in, and my eyes had been set before on the baby. I could tell by the expression of my face and no comment that I did not like it and did not or felt like saying anything. The home video was suppose to be about the baby. Already back then. I had completely forgotten about that.
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