How to best answer back when someone talks down at you?

[FlyingFree]

Originally Posted by Izz

I don't have enough info about your family so can't really comment in detail

Thick skin should be about withstanding constructive criticism that can help one move forward or get solutions. Key words being constructive and solution oriented. Balance is key too

Just a general observation

Like it doesn't mean that my family loves each other less. I don't think. Like we care about each other. But I could see a person taking offense to some things. Observing from outside the family culture. The reality is that there is a lot of criticism that isn't so constructive in our world. So in one sense it is solution oriented. That doesn't mean a person doesn't have boundaries or call's out a person for offending them. I mean it almost seems that everyone is offended by everything that doesn't fit nicely into there own belief system. The reality is people have different beliefs.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by FlyingFree

The reality is that there is a lot of criticism that isn't so constructive in our world. So in one sense it is solution oriented. That doesn't mean a person doesn't have boundaries or call's out a person for offending them. I mean it almost seems that everyone is offended by everything that doesn't fit nicely into there own belief system

Again as I said, I don't have enough information about your family of origin

In the case of asearcher we have communicated before and I can pin point about certain things

And again, yes I'm well aware - more than just aware - there's much criticisms out there in the world that's not constructive. That does not mean someone cannot say to a family member, a friend, someone theyre dating, a partner "hey I'm not okay with the subtle put-downs" - and the reality is, certain patterns of put-downs are not just about different belief systems

But yeah affirming again - my comments were to asearcher in response to asearcher's thread as we have communicated before on certain things thus it was also in specific context

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by asearcher

... There could be warning signs before that you can chose to ignore or to see them for what they really are, but it can also be that these warning signs appear later on. ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkcKQmr7kRc

"The Man With Two Brains" (1983) starring Steve Martin and Kathleen Turner.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr (Steve Martin) has fallen in love with beautiful and kind (but secretly evil) Dolores Benedict (Kathleen Turner). He looks at a painting of his beloved, dead wife, Rebecca, and asks if there is anything wrong with his feelings for Dolores.

"Just give me a sign ... ... ... Just any kind of sign."

Inavalan, LOL :) Thanks for sharing, I needed that

About the whole humor-theme I have to say that I think I know what you are both referring too, as I have been in both such atmospheres. There is a difference when a narc is doing those kind of jokes compared to when others do it, both in the family and simply other people I know.

I've also noticed that the narc don't care how the partner reacts at all to these so called "jokes". As long as it can make the narc feel superior and send the message to others it is, on it's partners expense than the "joke" has done it's job. It is in no way to tease, to get any sort of contact with the partner, which I would say is often if not always the case when others are joking, there is still some kind of love in it, you know?

When my husband jokes with me, even using dark humor but using it right or me him, we both get it, and we frankly can do this a lot, we have the same sort of humor that is so then there is the exchange of that and he's expecting that, and others can too when they are making a joke on you, and then that is fine, then it cam be compete-time. He would not "joke" the way his parent "jokes". It is 2 different "playgrounds" if you so will.

I think it is rather difficult for me to try to explain the differences and think perhaps one has to be subjected for real to the kind of "jokes" a narc makes compared to others to see, feel the subtle differences that the narc in one way wants to go unnoticed (so you won't call a narc out what it is really doing) and in another send it's sick message.

I agree that it can take a while for outsiders to sort of read off what is happening but they will do so, I've seen this happen in other families and different jobs, that they all have their kind of way of talking and that it can sound maybe too rough when there is love in it, when that is not really what it is.

As far as my husband's family is concerned they are different kind of people when the narc is in the room as when it is not, without they are more relaxed and can joke etc, it is completely different then. Than you too feel you can talk with them for real. So you can have both words really, both the fun dark humor and to be serious, genuine and both can bring a closeness, and the whole "I got you bro"-sort of feel to it, even if it is "trashing" someone down, the one doing it knows the difference and the one the joke is on knows too the difference between that kind of joke and a "joke" from the narc-parent. The narc-parent can't by the way handle it if someone then jokes on the behalf of the narc… so there too it is visible.

[Izz]

Hello asearcher

As I said in inbox - I was reminded of how a certain public figure's vile sexist text messages were exposed and somehow it got passed off as "dark humor"

Anyway, I tried replying your message again but your inbox is full

I hope I helped you

Hi there Izz, yes thank you : ) I have deleted some messages now so sorry about that I'm hopeless

Yes narcs hide in the language, dark humor in this case, to get away with stuff that other people don't have as their agenda.

I can think of one example when my husband's sibling who does a lot of kidding around and also dark humor is this sibling's cup of tea, and then it got so obvious to this sibling that the way the narc parent "joked" with me was not a joke but a pure insult etc. It is just trying to use it as an excuse, a vessel.

Here's a video I liked about "When Someone is Belittling & Condescending to you", just wanna share, maybe someone out there likes it too.

In retrospect I can't help but feel sorry for my husband who apparently has felt insecure and in pain and therefor chose to do what he did, but that does not make it right.

[dream jo]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Here's a video I liked about "When Someone is Belittling & Condescending to you", just wanna share, maybe someone out there likes it too.

In retrospect I can't help but feel sorry for my husband who apparently has felt insecure and in pain and therefor chose to do what he did, but that does not make it right.

That was a good video to watch and listen to it was
Because I have been put down most of my life I have I'm bullied most of my life and I can ask myself what have I done to deserve this I don't let them I'll put them down

I'm happy you like it Dream_jo :) Blessings to you. I'm sorry you have gone through that in the past and hope never again.