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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 30-10-2022, 02:34 PM
asearcher
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Was my fate manipulated with?

When me and my husband met he told me he was single and he had previously a past relationship.

Years later I was told that his then ex had been trying to win him back. This when he and I were not yet a couple and we had no intimacy. He was around me but we just had not established anything at the time.

He had distanced himself from his old life and some people in it and become involved in my over time.

I had always been told that his ex had left him but that he understood why she had and even if she had not he said he did not think they had had any future. He was reserved. I did not ask him anything else. When he spoke I could tell he had a distant kindness and empathy to him, for her. He didn't say much. I just let it be. I thought what ever it was it was between them.

Me finding out this ex had tried to win him back and been touching him so everyone saw (where they were) before he made it clear he did not think it was appropriate, and him not saying anything to me about this for years would set off something in me. If he's been silent about that all this time, what else could his silence mean?

He would tell me the reason he did not say anything or allow anyone else to say anything - he could keep those people away from me - or most of them - was because he was afraid I would take one look at him and walk away.

He would claim in his heart I already had a place even if it was too early to say how it would go. That he had already chosen me. That he had not thought this ex would change her mind and go after him. That it did not matter to him that she did. He was only surprised and did not know if or not to actually take it seriously but even so he said it was too late. That he already was in love with me. And he had no intention of letting me go, even if he did not know the outcome. That it was no way because he had met me and had the feelings he had for me that he would then be interested in someone else, not his ex, or anyone. He was afraid how it would look and what sort of impression it would make of him. He was 100% sure had I found out he would have lost me, and our potential future.

Thing is, I feel it should have been up to me. I feel that he is most likely right. Had he told me, and if I had been told by others what had happened, I would have walked away for sure, this why he kept them from me and made other swear not to say anything to me.

He said he could tell I was shy and that he needed to move it slow, but that he was completely smitten by me from first time we met. He was the one who would want it established what we were and how to move forward. He was very clear on how he viewed me, us. He would be the one to ask if we could move in together, when to marry. I have not felt as if I was the one pressuring him, and I have not felt pressured by him either. We were in our own bubble.

I have later on been accused of having somehow interfered in my husband's life by his parent before I even knew of my husband. How now that would be possible. It has truly felt as if my presence has not been welcomed. There was a politeness but also a distance I was not used to. Oblivious to what ever it now was that was wrong I would set out to be the best daughter in law I could be but it was as if the door just closed in my face and I did not understand why. I would try to not let it bother me, but I could feel something was wrong. He and his parents did not talk, really talk. I was not used to that. I tried to not interfere.

His narcissistic parent would tell others stories as if I was the one who somehow managed to boss him into a relationship with me, marry me, when someone who knew us both very well, was closer to us, would protest. It was one of the first notions I was to have how much this narcissistic parent had against me, and thought somehow I had interfered, hindered what was thought of as my husband's continues life. This parent had never told me any of this, or asked me about any of it.

I feel as if I have been punished, and been paying a price for something I have never even knowingly participated in, was never given the choice, was never given the information, before it was too late, when years has passed.

I was also let known how far it went before he would stop her from continue to touching him and how she had been touching him. To me it had gone way too far, and that would be a warning sign to me, that I was not let in on, why he did not say enough was enough even before. He said he did not want to cause a scene, but it got to be one as she would not stop, according to him.

I feel as if my husband manipulated my fate, somehow. Was what he did right or wrong? Should I not have been let known what had happened with his ex?

Then for me to be told years later, how he could have kept it all that time, to me I have then read his silence as something dangerous, and it has become this trust issue. In another way I know it is nothing to complain about, that I was the "lucky one". But what I have endured for years is that I would from the moment I got involved with him naturally taken a consideration for everyone else involved, including his ex, his parents etc, while I do not feel they have done the same. It was always so much unspoken. So much silence. It would creep me out. Him and his parents not really talking. Him saying he was not allowing them or anyone into our lives like that. He was not about to have that kind of talk with his (narcissistic) parent. In a way it feels as if I have been punished for what ever had gone wrong with his (narcissistic) parent and him.

Bit by bit I would get insecure, low self esteem because of how my husband was and foremost his (narcissistic) parent, the identity I was given.

I have understood later on my husband would act in a way that made his narcissistic parent and possibly the other feel rejected by him, as he favored me the way he did, as he would go where I was, and would built his life with me where we did, and so on. He did everything with silence. Early on when he and I would talk he would tell me that his parents lived their live and he lived his but that everything was fine, that was all. I was to later learn they have this communication gap, where he's not talking, and they're not talking.

He would play it down when his (narcissistic) parent would say all these bad things about me, us and say he didn't care what this parent thought of him, it was as if he was not ready to sort of take me in. That his old tactic of how he had dealt with this parent in the past did not include me.

I feel the choice should have been given to me, and not his decision to keep it away from me.

Last edited by asearcher : 30-10-2022 at 03:28 PM.
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  #2  
Old 30-10-2022, 02:50 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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You deserve to know- but if if you weren’t involved what difference does it make??

You will never be on their pedestal so don’t worry in trying too.. they have made a decision and nothing you do will make them decide any different, if this is a problem with their behaviour then maybe ask your self do you have the whole package with your husband or are you meeting limitations that you just cant or expectations meet?
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  #3  
Old 30-10-2022, 05:01 PM
asearcher
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Thanks :) Yes, We had at that early stage only began seeing each other, I was already in love with him, but we had no commitment, no promise and not much progress yet. Our chemistry back then was so strong, and this mix of so many things, we hit it off on so many levels, it was crazy.

I think had I found out what happened back then I would not have become involved with him. I think I would have been too hurt and too suspicious to learn he was with another female, an ex, all while texting me that particular evening this went on and people seeing her touching him and him allowing it, til he did no longer. I don't know what I would have made out of it. I think he was right. I would have cut him loose. I would have thought he was not who I had hoped he would be. I would have thought in one way that I could understand him, if they had history, and wanted to give it one last shot, but I would see myself out. I would not want to get involved in that. I would never want to compete over him. Just the thought of that would make me want to throw up. I think had I learned what happened, it would have destroyed that early magic.

Still I would not have imagined it, if being that in a way innocent, that is not his fault this happened, her being the initiative, that he was so afraid of it getting out that he cut people out that were there so he would not risk them telling me, and the few that stayed had to promise not to say anything about it. Wonder what would have been had I been told and if I had not seen him anymore, in a breath I would not have to have gone through all the misery, but then I would not have had the joy either, and it is impossible to know what would have instead have lay ahead.

Thank you too about the mention, thoughts of the parent-in-law issue.

My mind was messed with for years for me to accept having a low status. When me and my husband has talked about this he says that he regret his silence and him not getting what was going on, but that he has never viewed me as someone with low status. That he do not care what opinion his (narcissistic) parent have of me, or him, or us. That he has the opposite way always felt I had a high status, for him, and that made his parent possibly envious of me.

Last edited by asearcher : 31-10-2022 at 12:24 AM.
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  #4  
Old 31-10-2022, 07:10 AM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
thought some more. The world CONTROL come to mind, a theme that spans way back in my life through different people all the way to the current day. Control and manipulation, being kept in the dark. Silence when there should be words.

I had this feeling this last night in my dream and the words came to me that my husband's narcissistic parent was feeling it was loosing control over it's son and there for understood if I was caved then this parent could control the son through me. Only I got to be this symbol of rebellion, even if it to me was not much of a rebellion.

The parent still wanting my son hooked up on superficial status that to the narcissist would give out the message they were all perfect, they all were superior, all beautiful, all successful - mirroring back to the narcissist, but very important here, not over shining the narcissist of course, as it has to be the best of the best. This sick order was the right order.

I know my husband's ex was on this hunt, this treadmill, to strive for and already being beautiful what now beautiful meant in the eyes of some, there for fitted more into the picture, the family, by the narcissist's standard.
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