Withholding positivity

Wish to share an insight of mine, personal. Maybe you all know of it before but still maybe someone out there doesn't so I thought I might as well share.

When my parents split, years after, nobody talked about my Dad, and if he was mentioned, the only times in fact he was, was if I had a temper, my mom would then look at hate and disgust at me and say I was just like my father. A stranger I did then not even know. The other part of me.

When I would ask him where he was all I was told was he was alive. Where? No answer. When I would ask why they split up she would tell me she would say so when I got older. That made me think something horrible had happened or he was truly someone bad. That I had something bad in me - the temper - and me not seeing my dad made me think he had rejected me for reasons I did not know. I was trying so hard to understand why he had left me. So either way I did not stand on steady ground.

I was fortunate that I noticed that people generally liked me (family, relatives, friends, their families, strangers, school teachers…) and me them and I thought the world outside was safe. If and when I got lost they would say I did not react like a normal child does who gets to be afraid or cry. I would feel safe.

Later as me and my dad found each other again the years ahead he did not say anything. As a teenager I realized I had been like one ticking bomb who wanted answers. I know I would give him my mom's version and he would go that is not true, but he was not wanting to talk about it. I think he was afraid to say something. If he did my mom who had main custody of me could cut him loose.

Before he and I found each other again, I would tell my mom some of my early memories of him and she would get that dark look in her eyes and ask me how I could remember that, him, but that it was true. She thought if I did remember him that I would forget, and a good way to make a child forget is maybe to not talk or let anyone else talk about him or have any photos of him? I saw no photo of him and me together. It was only much later I was to see that, and it was obvious then on those photos he was just like any other loving dad with his baby girl. I did not get to see no picture of him for years til one day by accident in someones photo album, he was then in someone's kitchen and I was told that was my dad. I knew it was my dad. Still -evidence, there he was.

My mom was to me unpredictable, I don't think she was doing too good always, and she was dominant, which I think was fear-based, and I think the other people in my family, relatives simply chose silence as a way to be supportive of my mom. Them not talking about him either was another proof of that. I always felt that the other relatives, family members of my mother's were predictable and good to me, gentle people. I would be watched a lot by others. I have later understood my mom must have dated, at least some part of those times.

Then the big shocker, this I found out years later, was that my dad had asked for me (in court, custody). He had kept everything of me. This was a shock to me as I thought through the main silence, his unexplained absence that he had better places to be and bigger things to do, to even see me over lunch.

The years we were apart when going through his old wallets there was always a photograph of me. He had circled it out in one, I remember. It was as if I had been frozen in time the years we had been apart. I had never thought that he had missed me. The idea had not even hit me. That was how little I thought I mattered. That there was something wrong with me but me thinking everyone else were too kind to tell me, that they did not want to hurt me. That silence. That kind of silence is dangerous. Children make up something, and that something can be a dangerous platform for them to stand on. I did not say or share this vulnerability. I don't think children do. I don't know why some adults think children will tell you. They won't tell you. You have to look for signs. I think they get to have a voice at one point during the teenage years. Up til then it is just a feeling. That feeling glues itself so tight to the very identity that it can be very hard to separate.

For me to know that the years apart he had walked around with a wallet with a photo of me - that would have meant the world to me, back then. To even be told he had asked for me, asked for main custody would have blown me away. I was not let known anything until years later he had asked for me, asked even for main custody. He had become confused at some stage, which then gave him zero chance of having anything to do with me, loosing his rights to me. He would later say that he was so crushed that he sought mental care in the psychiatric ward. This was an otherwise stable, intelligent, witty, good looking man who had brains, a good job. Him become confused during court decisions of the custody, alimony must have meant the pressure got to be too much, or the harsh realization he was loosing. I never knew him as confused.

First time I would perhaps get a clue that I did truly did matter to my dad, was one time I overheard him say to my mom that he did not care about the money (the alimony) that they could keep it just so, she could still get all of that, he would not let the system know, if he only and I remember he said this Please allow him to see me more. Me thinking back and understanding for him to even be able to say the word Please knowing what he then knew, what she had done, must have been so hard, but he did it.

I have understood later on going through the figures that it was financially a good deal for my mom to keep me as much as she could, solo custody, and let him keep on paying. That she did not want me to see him more even if he and I wanted too. She wanted to restrict it. I know there were times he found out she had left me with family, relatives, and he would say he wanted to be asked, and he would say yes to watch me, instead of any of them. Still she insisted on doing that. I can't say if she did it just to annoy him, but I have a suspicion she did.

I would as an adult talk to my mom and tell her that the way it had been handled had not been good for me.

She one time broke down in tears when I said I had thought I was unloved by my dad. That what had happened between the two of them, their adult relationship, had nothing to do with me. That I should not have to pay the price for it. It was as if she was immature in a way before, like she did not understand. She would tell me the reason for the break up was him cheating, but that it wasn't a woman or women she thought mattered, she said "You were the love of his life". Her actually believing that and still having done what she did was in my opinion only done so she could hurt him as much as she could, (ab)using me to do it, without me knowing. Me thinking there was something wrong with me. That I was not enough. I was not even given any kind of explanation. As if everyone else was allowed to sit on the truth, and not even give me a small piece of it. That I wasn't even worth that. I can buy that you have to be careful what words to chose to a child, but to withhold anything positive, and give silence, and if not silence, only negative - can't be the way to go.

The silence, and only saying negative things, this from soulmates that I was depended upon, loved, and needed to give me my value really, as this is what children do I think, at least to some existence, thinking Who am I? Am I loved? What am I good at? was definitely not good for me. I can't imagine it being good for any child.

I have always said good things about a child of mine's dad in his absence, may it only be so he is off to work, and working long hours or have to go away on a trip, because I know too it mirrors back to the child, the child knowing it is the result of 2 people, and in the absence letting the child know I know how loved this child is by it's dad. I wish my mom would have only done something, even if it had been a minimum it could have made world of difference on how I looked at myself, my value.

I've seen terrible examples of how grown ups handles break ups involving children. It should not have to be that they themselves have to be children in the same situation in order to get it, but sadly I think for some that is what it takes, maybe in a future life or so.

I think giving silence and being passive and doing nothing - all of that is an active choice. I think some people who do that take for granted they have done nothing (=no harm), but "nothing" is harm.

My Dad devoted a song to me. At the time he told me I believe I was somewhere in my teenage years (forgotten what age). He would say he thought of me when he heard this song and was preparing to leave (where he before was at). I only took it half hardheartedly at the time, as I knew he had before lived in another country and he had to sail to come over to where I then was (music was one of the things we had in common).

When I met him after years of absences he was one day standing outside my school. I recognized him right away, from a distance. I ran into his arms, without thinking.

As an adult listening to the lyrics it is as if I have heard them for the first time. At the time as still a child I did not understand all the work, sacrifices he must have put into, leaving his old life, to be near me. He was only allowed to see me for a couple of hours during day time a week. He never missed one. He was always on time, if not before. He would show up with a bleeding nose. Or with fever. He was later allowed to spend more time with me.

The song is I Am Sailing. Here's the lyric to it:
I am sailing
I am sailing
Home again
'Cross the sea
I am sailing
Stormy waters
To be near you
To be free
I am flying
I am flying
Like a bird
'Cross the sky
I am flying
Passing high clouds
To be near you
To be free
Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
Through the dark night, far away
I am dying, forever crying
To be with you, who can say
Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
Through the dark night, far away
I am dying, forever crying
To be with you, who can say?
We are sailing, we are sailing
Home again
'Cross the sea
We are sailing
Stormy waters
To be near you
To be free
...

Video, I am sailing by Rod Stewart

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I think giving silence and being passive and doing nothing - all of that is an active choice. I think some people who do that take for granted they have done nothing (=no harm), but "nothing" is harm.

i think there are a lot of things various people think are good, that only cause harm.

It isn't always true that spreading around positivity, never causes harm. For example.

But anyway to answer the above, some of us aren't lucky like you, to feel safe. We've felt hounded from one place to another, and even some of us feel afraid to do something as simple as *talk* for fear of the repercussions. And even when we try to dig out of it, tell ourselves it is all in our head or whatever society tells us it is necessary to do to fix ourselves and fit in, a simple act of trying results in swift 'punishment' from others so we don't try hard or long...

But at the same time there are a lot of bad behaviors that can come from trying to avoid repercussions, you've mentioned one of them, getting so set on desiring to hold back that you justify not helping out under any circumstances.

Yes, I think that is a very important message you describe, that many feel hounded from one place to another. Although I am aware of that I can't say I have been a victim of it myself, but have most sympathies for those who have.

[lostsoul13]

Beautiful song!!

There’s nothing like a bond with your parents over a old song or story or something like:

I think we stay positive for so long waiting for the change to happen and the change does happen but with action according from us… doing something about our dreams hopes and ambitions- I think having positivity means you have to be a happy person or upbeat person but if your anything like me your quite somber—- but failing to make a plan or action manifest into my life means I have to do something to achieve that : for instance the hostel I live at had a shared postal box there’s no privacy- I have most my mail going to my mothers and going to change the rest of it to my mothers but had to fork out on a P.O. Box subscription service- to forward all my letters so I can pick them up and have some privacy? It’s only while I change bank address ect but I’m paranoid about it : I haven’t done nothing about it in a long time- I moved room changed my address again and now I have to change back to my mothers… a little bit of positivity is needed through the application of forwarding mail and everything going okay at the banks ect without needing more proof as have E statements and they don’t accept printouts … doh it’s really looming of negativity … but quite straight forward to set up.. they took payment okay but left things I lurch like verification ect without emails act so I’m bound to be calling up come Monday!!

But little positive outlook things haven’t been caught up and they accepted and the second lot of proof of address I sent in was wrong so hopefully the first lot was accepted- lots of glitches around it..

It will work out for the better but I’m relying on other peoples also but what I find life is like business dealings: we all trying our hardest and trying to please people and get things in on time and positivity seems not want to please us: we’ll you have to please your self and make things work otherwise we would be stuck in a rut…

Hold dear that song and it will comfort you in times of negative emotions and fashions!

Thank you. I've moved around quite a bit in my life and the post office has never failed me, that I know of at least, LOL, it just takes longer, that's all, the letters will get to you. I know it may seem complicated but I think it will all work out, staying positive helps :)

I did not understand the importance of it til quite recently.

[lostsoul13]

Yeah post office I’ve signed up for they redirect all my mail so I can pick it up…

But changed address to mums house as I’m living in hostel and quite volatile at the moment with getting my own apartment… years away yet..

Always stay positive even when it’s raining how would we have flowers otherwise??

So true :)