Experiences 2 sides, triggers

Hi! Just like to start this thread and hope perhaps someone out there will too share their experiences.

I have experienced 2 sides of something, and I know this is how it is suppose to work, no? Usually though I have thought it could be more a situation where karma is involved, where you were an abuser let's say in one past life and in this one a victim, but now I realize there has been, is something going on in one and the same current life where I get to experience 2 sides of it.

this is my example:
My parents had an ugly split. I lost contact with my Dad. We had had up til that point a close and loving relationship. He was highly sensitive just as I am. We were connected. The stuff I remembered about him from early age was how loved he made me feel and how much I loved him. I was not close with my Mom. Even she would say so.

I would remember she would scream at me that I was just like my Dad when being angry with me and thinking I had my Dad's temper when I was a child. That was all the indication, mention of my Dad. Nobody else would talk about him. I knew he was alive but I did not know where he would be. I was not let known that he had asked to have custody of me. I thought he would not give me the time of the day and that I was forgotten about. So my mom was then the only one I had. Fear.

I realize when my mom would scream at me that I was bad, that I was just like my dad that she did not really see me, she saw my dad. That was who the hate in her eyes was for. It wasn't me, but it felt - I can't even describe how it felt. Nobody else thought I had a bad temper. She was the only one. And she wanted to dominate. So she wanted to show off bad temper. But I was of course not allowed to show that back. (I personally think this was her trouble too in her relationship with my dad when that was, that she was out to dominate and he was trying to make them equal).

Today, now as an adult, I realize that I am again and again "set up" in these situations with my husband where I can see his narc parent "talk through" him and it is a huge trigger for me. I realize I can most likely look at him the way my mom looked at me. I don't see my husband no more, I see the narc parent. I can also just phantom how dangerous this can be in terms of my attraction to my husband going out the window. I am not trying to say that my husband is this angel at the time and does not trigger with his words alone, but I think I experience "double-trouble" and somehow it is as if I see more the narc-parent than I see my husband then. I don't know if there is a way to remove that part so I can only see him, his words.

[lostsoul13]

The only thing I can suggest is your a more agile person with strength: my intent and purpose mother is a unremorseful narcissistic but we get on because I describe my self the same… she suffers from schizophrenia and apparently I do too although I feel it’s more Bpd.. blackout’s ect… I miss my biological mother but I know that nurturing need will always be there because of reincarnation- your in a human now you have to die; it’s relatively a short time between all that happening …

I’m sure your mother meant well and must love your father~ so in turn loves you…

Is your relationship different now? Less screaming???

Your gonna have to toughen up a bit; because I doubt they will change be resilient or try to fake your way through ~ I know it’s not good advise but allowing them to get to you just spares the moment more, a little of momentum and chance of sensitivity could be???

Just to protect your self???

Hi there Lostsoul13, I'm sorry to "hear" you are still dealing with those blackouts, but glad your relationship with your mom is working despite of obstacles.

I think some mental illness naturally take so much energy that the person going through that can then only have so much or rather so less energy for other things and other people but it don't mean that they don't care for their loved ones I think, that they don't have empathy.

I'm not sure if you meant the screaming part with my mom or husband, hi hi. Doesn't matter really, it is over with I feel. I only wish that my luv could get more conscious if he ain't already to not for example put me down for no reason when it is really about him not feeling he is in control of a situation or me and get insecure.

Yep. Agree with that. Need to be more assertive at times and somehow find balance in that, sometimes when things take me by surprise I don't have that instant temper, I will more reflect and then later maybe I can feel anger.

I hope everything works out for you, that they will figure this out what is up with those blackouts and how to best help you.

[Izz]

It takes certain internal work to unsee it

Perhaps it helps to remember that he is not his narc parent albeit he was effected by his upbringing and it shaped certain behaviors - but then remember the key differences between him and that parent

I replied your PM too. Thanks