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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 27-05-2022, 12:18 PM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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Starting this thread made me realise that I need to do the opposite of everything ive always done.


I've been in 3 abusive (romantic) relationships in my life and I have never known a healthy relationship.

If anything, people who want to love me, need to work to prove that they will treat me with respect and kindness.

I need to think less about how I cam adapt myself in a relationship and take more notice of how others are treating me over time.

Conscious relating for me is to be more realistic of how other people are treating me.
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  #12  
Old 27-05-2022, 02:05 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Yep, and also working on healthy boundaries so you can and will say 'no' (which is 'yes' to yourself).
Training yourself to notice **** behaviour. For me it often still is after the fact but I am beginning to notice it sooner now and also correct the matter if I feel it's necessary.
Learning to communicate in a healthy, calm fashion comes with this all. Throwing a wobbler isn't good.
There's plenty of stuff online on creating good self-esteem and self-worth, also books.
I found out my self talk wasn't particularly great, even though I always thought it was funny & sarcastic. It is still knocking yourself.
Getting good treatment from others begins with treating yourself well. Often people with this pattern demand too much of themselves without even realising it. So in that sense it's good to check expectations and things against what you'd advise your best friend. Often it then becomes clear that your standards for another like a friend are far nicer, more loving, gentler, whereas you demand almost perfection of yourself.

Often control is a thing too as when you have/take control you know the outcome and what you're going to get. So gently learning to let go of the reigns is also a point. That way you make space for others to approach you and offer you their care and love.

It is a learning curve. And of course that begins with looking at when and how you began developing this sense of 'I'm not worthy/deserving/good etc.", usually in childhood.
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  #13  
Old 29-05-2022, 11:03 PM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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Funny that you mention humour, my sense of humour is changing as I develop confidence.

I'd not like it if someone spoke to me the way which I speak to myself sometimes and yet i let it slide.


I'm going to the library today, I'll look for books in the topic of building confidence. Every now and then I think about hiring a mentor.

I've had a really poor sense of myself for a long time due to enmeshment trauma.
I'm slowly getting to know myself better over time, through awareness of my likes and dislikes.

Sometimes when I am relating with other people, it feels like things happen so fast and it can override my sense of knowing myself in that moment, creating a blur of myself and its only the interaction that I realise I felt uncomfortable.


I've been very good at making other people feel comfortable in the past so in theory, I could apply those skills to myself.
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