i really need to talk to someone or get this out

i just need to talk to someone, or at least get this out.

I just recently had a huge spiritual awakening, I finally got my spirituality back over many long unbearable years, and I am so happy. But I am so scared, no, TERRIFIED, and extremely devastated thinking that it will be taken away from me again.
Many years ago, I used to be very strong and on my way to be a healer. I found what made me happy. My spirituality was the only thing I cared about, the only thing I lived for. I still do not know to this day, what happened.
But I had a Mentor a very wise and respected medicine man, at the time, and something very bad happened between us. I trusted him, I respected him with all my ability, but he was into bad medicine, and tried to control me, when I decided to leave, everything was taken away. I thought my life and fate had slapped me in the face and ditched. I didn’t know at the time he had put an unbearably strong block on me. Every time I went back to him, it would come back, but I did not want to be anywhere near him, I wanted to die. On the day I tried to kill myself, was the days leading to my arrest and probation, and beginning of being an alcoholic, and more addictions, because I couldn’t deal with my life. My life was lonely, and horrible from there on, accepting I had to be ignorant with no life purpose anymore.

At the same time, when I was doing healing work with my mentor, he told me I had bad spirits in and around me, and I believed him on that much. I was never able to release the darkness, and I think that may have played a part in my spirituality being blocked from me for so many years, but mostly, I think he blocked me, and he was more powerful than anything or anyone. A year ago, I even hated the aspect of spirituality, whatever had a hold on me, was pure darkness, and not me at all. I know it was NOT me, because when I forced it out of me, I felt it. It was worse than what they call possession, it put thoughts in my head that I did not think up, it made me hurt myself, but worse, it made me despise the thought of ceremony, made me flinch every time I went near my sage, so I couldn’t even bring myself to cleanse. The only thing powerful enough against it, was fire, and then I was able to strengthen myself again.

Just recently, I managed to get through everything I have ever suffered from. But NOW, I am terrified I will lose it again. I am so scared. I have been doing so well, and I have been trying to let go of fears, and everything in order to live in the moment, all zen and stuff, but this morning, I woke up asking my spirits “what do I do next”, they told me to trust in the plan of the divine, that I am worrying too much, and my fear only escalated through the whole day, I went out and hung out with a friend, attended an AA meeting, but it only made me feel worse, it hurt my soul to do those things, because my friend isn’t exactly healthy and I only want to surround myself with the spiritual now, and the AA meeting was depressing and full of horrible energies that I can feel now, and ive been doing so well on my own, I was planning to just get my coin chips to celebrate my months, and leave, but some depressing guy had to tell me I couldn’t get multiple coin chips for different addictions, and I didn’t belong, well I can deal with that, but it hurt because I had hoped to celebrate my recovery for all my addictions tonight, and that just lead to me being fearful of going backwards,
at least now I know where it originates from. I’ve been going through my crown chakra opening, and this morning I woke up feeling better and grounded, and I guess it scared me, because I’m used to feeling my chakras, feeling sick, and feeling it working. I get so scared, that if the symptoms change… I am going backwards… I also haven’t been able to succeed in talking to my guides in vivid visions for a few days now. I am terrified I am going to lose this amazing goodness. I am terrified I am doing something wrong. That I will make a mistake. That’s why I post so many questions on here. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know my spirits told me to trust, but I am still afraid.

Also today, I meditated, and was sent an image of my grandma, she came to me, with my grandpa, after asking for things to work on and let go. I went to see her after years of refusing to, she has Alzheimer’s, but what I saw was grotesque, and she was so agitated, can’t even talk, she looks in pain, whatever healing method I did, to calm her, it did not work, I just DON’T UDERSTAND what she is going through, and it bothers me. I have come to grips on letting her go, but I still can’t stand seeing her alive and suffering. She looked so terrified, like she could see something there, something evil, something horrible, she looked scared. She kept trying to talk, but it was murmurs, agitated, scared, murmurs. What am I supposed to do about that? The weird thing is I am DEFINITE she has come to me in spirit form, like she is not alive, and we have said our goodbyes, and she is always with my grandpa who has passed. She is happy there. But here, the shape of her body, is scary to witness for me. I just don’t get it. What is in there? It’s not her, but it is, and what the hell is Alzheimers and Dementia? it's freakin evil.

I don’t know how to deal with this fear, but I do know that I had to get it out and tell someone. I can’t keep it inside me. All I do know, is the things I keep inside keep me from growing. Does anybody know what I am going through? Is everything going to be okay? I feel like I messed up today, like I did things that hurt me, made me feel bad, or maybe these things I have to deal with in order to grow further? How? How do you deal with things like this. I don’t want to go backwards and lose it all. I’m scared. I’m serious, that I will take my life if my spirituality abandons me AGAIN, I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Not worrying doesn’t cut it for me, I can’t stand to live my life without it, I just can’t. How do I get through these things, and the fear of messing up?

thanks for reading this, or commenting, or anything really, i know it's not happy and all, but i'm really having a hard time with these new things that have come up, and i don't have ANYONE here, to talk to, or anyone who understands spirituality at all.

It sounds like you have had a rough time of it and for that im so sorry! Im always here if you want a chat either by pm or on this thread :) And so is everyone else, they are great.

You will learn from all the bad things that happened and you will be able to protect yourself from these things happeneing again. It sounds like you are on the right track once again so just learn from past mistakes and dont let them happen again - i know easier said then done. You will know when you are heading back there and you will be able to stop it. Self Belief.

I had a few bad years where i completely lost who i am. I was in an abusive relationship, my home life was awful and i was depressed. I thought there was no way out, thought the world would be better without me. Now looking back there was a moment where everything became clear, this is where my spiritual awakening happened and i ended the relationship, moved out of home and got myself out of depression - none of which were easy. I then met my boyfriend and soul mate and have been amazing since. Now although i still sink into depression - i know when it is happening. I can feel myself going there and as soon as i do i do something about it. I talk to people, ask for help and get it all off my chest and amazingly it all helps.

You learn from your life lessons and they help you cope and make you a stronger person.

You sound so happy and i think that will stop you from loosing everything you have worked for :)

[John32241]

Hello,

Your bad experience with that particular Mentor has caused you many concerns. When your inner guide tells you that you "worry too much", listen!!!

A good mentor encourages self empowerment. Since healing is your area of interest, then self healing is of primary importance to you.

I have had good experiences assisting others to become self empowered. There are even examples of that posted at this forum. I would be happy to provide my insights on any specific questions that you may have.

John

[Native spirit]

Hey Ciqala.


You need to ask Arc Angel Michael to cover you in his cloak of protection and cut the cords of negativity,
you are coming through a rough patch, like we all do but seeing your grandmother in spirit then going to see her and cant face seeing her like she is now, is a hard thing when people go through dementia they loose reality of life they reverse to childhood in a lot of cases,
i have seen the spirit of people before they have actually passsed its like people in comas, they are inbetweeen both worlds they are sill here in the physical but mentaly they are no longer with us,
you need to have counselling this will help you put things into perspective. and speaking to a complete stranger may help you as its easier to speak to someone who doesnt know you.
i would keep away from spiritual work whilst feeling like you do.
you are fighting many demons at the moment and you are so low. spirirt will only work with you when they know you are ready,
you can also help yourself by covering yourself in a cacoon of pure bright white light.
hope this helps you in some way.

Namaste

First of all, I certainly know what it feels like to have someone you trust and respect do spiritual damage to you. But what you need to do right now is sort your thoughts out. Put the past in the past and leave it there. Realize that the person who damaged you, did so out of pure ignorance. Bless and forgive the person, write an angry letter that you will never mail, whatever you have to do to purge the shadows of what once was from your consciousness. Just dump all of the mental and emotional trash out of your system.

Secondly, when things like this happen to us, it can be very hard to walk the road we once traveled. It can cause anger, fear, confusion and anxiety. It might be wise to take some baby steps to try and re invent yourself and your spiritual path. Start making some new memories, quests and direction. Be gentle with yourself, but try to get some positive, nourishing spiritual things in your life that are yours... listen to your heart. When a bomb is dropped on our lives, we do not go back and live among the wreckage... we cleanse and rebuild.

Thirdly, and this is just my opinion; I might reconsider a spiritual path that involves speaking with spirits and all that kind of thing. People who get involved with this sort of thing usually find themselves traveling a scary road at one point or another. Just read these forums and see how many people believe they are under attack from negative entites. Most of these "spirit communications" are just our own deeper mind speaking back to us anyway.. so maybe just commune with your own subconscious mind where infinite itelligence dwells, and leave all the spirits and bleak entities to the old wives tales where they belong. All the best to you, and much luck friend.

Keep it simple.

One day at a time.

Originally Posted by Lostgirl

It sounds like you have had a rough time of it and for that im so sorry! Im always here if you want a chat either by pm or on this thread :) And so is everyone else, they are great.

You will learn from all the bad things that happened and you will be able to protect yourself from these things happeneing again. It sounds like you are on the right track once again so just learn from past mistakes and dont let them happen again - i know easier said then done. You will know when you are heading back there and you will be able to stop it. Self Belief.

I had a few bad years where i completely lost who i am. I was in an abusive relationship, my home life was awful and i was depressed. I thought there was no way out, thought the world would be better without me. Now looking back there was a moment where everything became clear, this is where my spiritual awakening happened and i ended the relationship, moved out of home and got myself out of depression - none of which were easy. I then met my boyfriend and soul mate and have been amazing since. Now although i still sink into depression - i know when it is happening. I can feel myself going there and as soon as i do i do something about it. I talk to people, ask for help and get it all off my chest and amazingly it all helps.

You learn from your life lessons and they help you cope and make you a stronger person.

You sound so happy and i think that will stop you from loosing everything you have worked for :)

Thank you so much, some positive things to help me through, it's good to hear you overcome your depression, i feel better getting it all out indeed, but still want to make sure i've dealt with it all

Originally Posted by John32241

Hello,

Your bad experience with that particular Mentor has caused you many concerns. When your inner guide tells you that you "worry too much", listen!!!

A good mentor encourages self empowerment. Since healing is your area of interest, then self healing is of primary importance to you.

I have had good experiences assisting others to become self empowered. There are even examples of that posted at this forum. I would be happy to provide my insights on any specific questions that you may have.

John

Wow, thank you John :) I have read some of your posts and greatly respect your insights.

Originally Posted by Native spirit

Hey Ciqala.


You need to ask Arc Angel Michael to cover you in his cloak of protection and cut the cords of negativity,
you are coming through a rough patch, like we all do but seeing your grandmother in spirit then going to see her and cant face seeing her like she is now, is a hard thing when people go through dementia they loose reality of life they reverse to childhood in a lot of cases,
i have seen the spirit of people before they have actually passsed its like people in comas, they are inbetweeen both worlds they are sill here in the physical but mentaly they are no longer with us,
you need to have counselling this will help you put things into perspective. and speaking to a complete stranger may help you as its easier to speak to someone who doesnt know you.
i would keep away from spiritual work whilst feeling like you do.
you are fighting many demons at the moment and you are so low. spirirt will only work with you when they know you are ready,
you can also help yourself by covering yourself in a cacoon of pure bright white light.
hope this helps you in some way.

Namaste

Thank you, this has been helpful, I am going to see a therapist today to try and work through these things. Thanks for explaining dementia, it really freaked me out.

Originally Posted by The Sphinx

First of all, I certainly know what it feels like to have someone you trust and respect do spiritual damage to you. But what you need to do right now is sort your thoughts out. Put the past in the past and leave it there. Realize that the person who damaged you, did so out of pure ignorance. Bless and forgive the person, write an angry letter that you will never mail, whatever you have to do to purge the shadows of what once was from your consciousness. Just dump all of the mental and emotional trash out of your system.

Secondly, when things like this happen to us, it can be very hard to walk the road we once traveled. It can cause anger, fear, confusion and anxiety. It might be wise to take some baby steps to try and re invent yourself and your spiritual path. Start making some new memories, quests and direction. Be gentle with yourself, but try to get some positive, nourishing spiritual things in your life that are yours... listen to your heart. When a bomb is dropped on our lives, we do not go back and live among the wreckage... we cleanse and rebuild.

Thirdly, and this is just my opinion; I might reconsider a spiritual path that involves speaking with spirits and all that kind of thing. People who get involved with this sort of thing usually find themselves traveling a scary road at one point or another. Just read these forums and see how many people believe they are under attack from negative entites. Most of these "spirit communications" are just our own deeper mind speaking back to us anyway.. so maybe just commune with your own subconscious mind where infinite itelligence dwells, and leave all the spirits and bleak entities to the old wives tales where they belong. All the best to you, and much luck friend.

Thanks, i can really relate to this, you gave me a lot of information i can use, thank you so much, i'm going to do those things. :)