How Can I Make Relationship More Serious

[RedEmbers]

Some people's main love language is physical touch, and if they don't recieve adequate affection they become "touch starved".

That is why there are charities who work with older citizens where people visit them and apply moisturiser to people's hands, as a way to nurture that need for physical connection.

Probably why there are "hug clubs" as well and a demand for professional huggers as well.


So people are obviously in need of physical affection.



I think that part of creating our own happiness is surrounding ourselves with people who understand us or desire to understand. I feel as though people forget that happiness depends on the quality of relationships we have with others.
How do we create our own happiness without involving other humans in our lives anyway?
I would argue that for the vast majority of humans, it is impossible.
If I was all alone on a deserted Island it would become quite difficult for me create sustainable and long term happiness, isolated and one.
I might enjoy the respite but pretty soon I would be needing human connection again.

We are a relationally dependant species.

[Altair]

How do we create our own happiness without involving other humans in our lives anyway?
I would argue that for the vast majority of humans, it is impossible.

Of course, most people look for one another.

But in this context here, if happiness depends on a spouse, then what happens when the relationship turns sour or breaks? Nothing left that makes your life fulfilling, and that doesn't sound good! People then desperately look for yet another person, or divorce, some even kill themselves over it. Their happiness was owned by another person!! I'm seeing it happen in people I know.

Perhaps it's preferable to get your own house ((job, income, living situation, hobbies/interests/passions)) in order first, and not elevate another person to the source of all happiness.

Altair I suppose you have a point that I shouldn't put my happiness into other people so much and learn to be happy with myself and give myself the attention that I need. My parents won't always be there to give me the affection I crave. Besides I don't need people thinking I have borderline personality disorder they think I'm mental enough. I guess it's time I learn to give myself the attention I need instead of always depending on others.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that. I still visit my parents when I can since I live near by but still now that I'm an adult the attention isn't the same. Also like I mentioned earlier I was very closed as a teenager and didn't start opening back up until about 5 years ago when I started college so I feel like I'm missing out on affection. As for why my bf is so shy I asked and apparently he is bullied online. Though I haven't asked him about when he was in school he was probably bullied then too. I have told him that people online are usually mean and that I actually like how awkward he can be at times. I even told him that I wish I had his sense of humor since I can be so serious most of the time. Maybe then I wouldn't always take things so seriously. Still he is very introverted. I think it's just part of his personality and though it can annoy me sometimes since I've learned to eventually be more outgoing. I can understand though why people would want to be alone especially when bullied as I was bullied myself as a teenager and back then wanted nothing to do with anyone. Still there is this part of me that seems desperate for intimacy. Though I know it's human nature to want affection I feel kind of ashamed of it as I'm still getting over being so closed back when I was a teenager due to being scared by sex ed.

My relationship with my family is always shifting form. It is in constant change and evolution as a parent/child relationship needs to be.

You are in a transitionary period of sorts I guess, still finding your feet in the adult world.
Some people talk about the saturn return which occurs just before and just after our 30th birthdays... Kind of coincides with this child to adult transitionary phase, if you are into astrology


My last relationship, I did not have the physical proximity I would have liked, I really craved physical affection, it is one of my love languages.

We were a little bit incompatible in that regard, we both appreciated our independance yet he was a little bit too cool and aloof as to my preference. I was very much myself in this relationship which is why, when it ended, I was able to leave with a sense of peace that I had done all I could on my part, I was fully present in that connection, not hiding from myself or hiding.

I am in a different, developing relationship now with someone who is very affectionate and also speaks in words of affirmation which is another of my love languages.
I certainly do not feel starved of affection in this relationship.

Even so, a good friend is worth a lot.
The problem is that people either have a sense of romance or they don't. It could be latent and needs awakening.

I think you have to decide. A_Human_Being gave some good advice there. Ask yourself some basic questions. If you're looking for a long term relationship it may become carnal - in which case, if he hasn't made overtures yet, will it satisfy you in future if he continues to show little interest?

Everyone deserves affection (unless they're natural loners, happy with their own company) and perhaps he hasn't been able to articulate any deeper feelings he has yet.

However, I do suspect you "know" him far better than if he'd been a chap just looking for ways to get you to bed. It seems you get on fairly well.

[RedEmbers]

I like that "a good friend is worth alot".

Yes friendship is important but now I'm suddenly thinking that it's also important to learn to be my own best friend. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have friends just need to learn to be less depending on them all the time.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

Yes friendship is important but now I'm suddenly thinking that it's also important to learn to be my own best friend. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have friends just need to learn to be less depending on them all the time.

That sounds very balanced to me, be your own best friend, own your stripes and know that you deserve the love and affection from friends and loved ones as well.

Perhaps, over time, healthy interdependence could be a goal? That way you can have your own autonomy and self direction and still be able to rely on the care from other people as well

Thanks hopefully I can learn to eventually balance needing attention from others and giving myself attention. Anyway my mom still feels my relationship is more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. Also I told her I would eventually like it if my boyfriend was to soon come live with me but she tells me not to push him too much. Maybe she's right and I do need to slow down he's not wanting a serious relationship and I'm really not the type to push a guy Anyway.

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

he's not wanting a serious relationship and I'm really not the type to push a guy Anyway.

Dear BunnyJen90, please take this the right way, you're selling yourself too short. There is unbalance in the relationship and why should you pay the price for it? The question to me is not that you need more affection, the question is you need to know where you stand and if so determine for yourself if that make you feel loved just as much back as the love that you give. Any relationship that is healthy is in balance, harmony, equal. The kind where one is the boss over the other is destructive. Anyways, your choice. I just think it is a darn pitty that you think the problem is you. If I had a boyfriend and he told me he was not looking for a serious relationship (after a year!) and I wanted one I would not settle. I would say move out of my way, I need to find Mr Right. Why would you settle? There are so many gorgeous guys out there that would treat you right, I'm sure of it. In the few relationships I have been in, sure, there has been flaws, but a boyfriend who says he is not serious about you? Never had that. Why would you settle for that? That is abuse, my friend. You should not accept that. And believe me it is not that I would be better than you in any way, it is more the quality of the guy I think to know if what he wants is serious or not. Seem to me you are a giver and he is a taker and it will leave you empty. It's like you go around thinking all sorts of things are wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting equal love when what you give and what you wish to give is equal love. He needs to get a grip, seriously. You are so protective of him that you come up with all sorts of ideas that you crave more love than someone else, no you don't. You're normal, you're good just the way you are and you have realistic expectations that one have in a serious relationship, that's it. Your mom must think you deserve better than this. You are waiting to see if he one day wants to get serious? I would not wait. Your time is just as precious as his. If what ever love he has for you he should know he ain't playing this right.