I don't know how to deal with this

[Guff779]

My father just complains and complains and shouts all the time with a good track record, what does he think, I stopped working for the next 34 years?

He is 65.

I give him good money every week, he must be saving £100 every week,
Two major Bank account savings of £35k-£40k,
Mortgage paid off,

Private and government pension good enough ,
Money from me in the future,

Fine now and future and nothing major.

He has two children*to support.
90 per cent of fathers were factory workers in my community.
______

Watch TV, take a walk, garden, go shopping he can do.
-----

Chores, clinic, hospital, specialist, Neptune, others finger injury I helped for months this every week and back injury.

What happens to my life, my aspects, me, my future, can't develop and grow allows my sister to do what I want, can't even move jobs.

Shouted at me saying I make excuses when I said I'm going out in front of people.

Shouting and complaining about my bedroom, say throw books away all the time.

Sabotaging, ruin dignity
Controlling no reason to 32 year old

He says the steam and shower made the toilet rot when it's not rotting and he asks me for £600 now for £1800new toilet and sink.

He keeps complaining about money when I said at the top he must be saving £100 every week and got mortgage paid off and good savings and getting good money now and future.

Complaining and angry for 22 months every weekend and several months everyday.

He doesn't wish to listen to me.

Manipulating, conspire and so on. He keeps saying his reputation will go down.

He always thinks about his reputation and what others think. Did they educate me, do they work for me? Feed me? Do they even care? I done everything myself. Did the correspond to letters?

I don't understand his poor attitude?

[sky]

It sounds like it's time for you to fly the nest and live your own life

[Native spirit]

Leave him to it find your own place you wont need to give him money then, it seems like he just likes to complain.
its time to leave


Namaste

[Unseeking Seeker]

Be kind. Don’t trauma bond but be kind. And give each other some space. But don’t abandon him, if possible. Get him (and yourself) into prayers, into meditation, into inner silence

[Guff779]

Thank you very much all for your words.

you can only help so much, but not to the price that you feel drained (feelings and financially), it comes too easy for me to be co depend and with family members and others - they learn how to "play you" to get more out of you. Work on boundries. It seem to me your dad is in a bad place within himself and he is coming at you from all kinds of corners, and you have to set those boundries up and he needs to respect them or else your relationship will only get worse. Money wise you have to too set boundries, work with this with the rest of the family too so you can all have the same attitude - this so he don't play you against each other, become the victim when talking to your sister and make something up etc. So unite. try to stay as neutral as you can and not take things personal. Don't let him play you that your life is so great so then you should feel quilt because his ain't, don't let him compare you like that.

I did not get the feeling you live together but maybe I missed something?

sorry to say it but some get worse with age in the way that they have too much free time on their hands and have forgotten what it is like to have a busy life, and grow inpatient and suddenly gets one idea what they need help with but then think it should be done yesterday or right now - then one to has to set boundries, it can just be he misses you, but it comes out the wrong way and sound as if he is angry and demanding, he doesn't maybe want to be "left out"?

Some just wants attention and they rather want negative such than not any . Too it can be purely selfish - he's in a bad place within and so he don't want to be there alone and feel somewhat better knowing someone else (he has made) feel bad too...?

Him being concern for his reputation - that is typical for a narcissist but could also be someone who conspire (paranoid) and could have a deeper meaning to something going on mentally. So does the restlessness. How is his talk? Is he "up there"/forced all the time, get easily upset? Maybe if you suspect something is going on mentally with him talk to the rest of the family, like the sister, and see if you can get him to see the doctor, if something there could help?

He's probable on your case so much because he knows he can count on you, you have to put up rules so that you don't get drained out mentally or your money. I know that is more easy said than done.

[Guff779]

Thank you @asearcher

I have read and will reply accordingly.

My father said yesterday I am making excuses why I don't want to go to the family event and another week too.

What if I genuinely cannot make it?

He is not listening what I do on the weekend.

What happens to me? My life, my career?, different aspects of my life, my future and my well being?

always thinks about his reputation and what others think. Did they educate me, do they work for me? Feed me? Do they even care? I done everything myself. Did the correspond to letters? We only see them 3 times a year for 30 minutes.

Does he want to tear him and me apart because he wants to please people for what? And he think he owe people.

Very very poor to destroy his son's life for no reason.

I feel for you. There was this daughter of a narcissistic parent and when she asked him (her dad in this case) why he was ruining her and her siblings (adults) life the way he did his response was "You are my children. I can do what I want with you".

Try to not make him steal your energy from you. Be there for him in ways that you can and feel just about being. you are an adult now.

I rebelled against my adults when I was maybe too young to even do that but I had to - for my own sanity, really - and managed to re built a more, how should i describe it, a more sisterhood, more of a friendship relationship with my mum in particular (who as a parent I had found to be too dominant to be point of nearly crushing one's spirit just for her to have control. She was genuinly afraid something bad was to happen to me, and she wanted me around).

When I was to later enter 2 (romantic) relationships it got under my skin that these two men that I was involved with - their relationship was really, in my taste, still too much father/mother - BOY. And in return it was expected that I was to be treated as GIRL. Well, I was no girl no more. That stage I had outgrown in years and maturity. I was a woman. I had to really bite my tongue at times, and sometimes I just spoke.

I think your dad is just darn selfish and he is getting too close too fast and you have to state your case - he is trying to see how far his power is going with you. This is nothing but a battle. You have to state your demands too. Your boundries.

Everyone wants this ideal illusion of family but the truth of the matter is that one fights in family.

What was different in my family is that we fought but we were close too, but I was to learn in another man's family that the narcissist fought, and the others were patching things up and it was expected I would just take it, as a GIRL, and I could have waited around forever to see if my MAN was ever going to grow out of his BOY-role just to protect him, but finally I had enough and had to stand up for myself. His regret, he says, is that he did not understand how this situation could look like for someone on the outside coming in and he expected me to follow all the rules even if they were insulting such and invading into OUR created family.

What he absolutely did not like - and I agree with him - is that I did not tell him (or nobody) about what his narcissistic parent did to me, said to me, alone. This parent would go into a room, knowing I was in that room, having said earlier I was to breastfeed our baby (so I left the company to get privacy). And that parent walked right in there (when no body else knew) and said some shocking, insulting things to me, knowing how shocked I was, how vulnerable, and then walked right out. And then pretended as if nothing had been said. I myself had difficulty understanding what had just happened. And to then protect my luv I did not tell him. There were other things too. The only reason I was being hunted the way I was, bullied the way I was, was because the narcissist had trouble controlling me. On one side I was very polite and well raised, but in another - we knew each other - and we were enemies, really. I was on to this narcissist big time and it was insecure. I was a threat. This narcissist had created and controlled this family, isolated, for years. And now other people (including me) was stepping in. Getting more difficult then to control. I could be too self sacrificing when it came to me, but not when it came to the kids. Then we were going to have a problem.

I am sure that if my then MAN had not still be playing the role of a BOY with his narcissistic parent that my feelings for him would have been different. They were not taught to be protective of each other, they weren't taught to be protective in that way with their partner. While I on the other hand saw it as if I brought in my MAN into MY (first) family and someone treated him badly - then it was on me, it was me who that parent or who ever was going to have a problem with, because after all, I was the one who had dragged him into this, it would only be because of me that he would have been their in the first place. So I would see it as my duty to make sure that my partner was treated in a fair way, in an acceptable way at least, or else sorry to say it, it would be on me. I would have been ashamed. And I was told this to my then man, "aren't you ashamed of yourself for allowing me to have been treated this way? For you to say OK to that?". It created this wall between us. He would tell me he could tell I did not like to be (around the narcissist), that I was withdrawn, that I was sort of tense, but I was really all those things because I was very much insecure if my man really had my back, or if he was going to allow me to be backstabbed at any given time, and just be accepting, silent about it, that I knew I had to fight my insane battles with someone - just - insane (because narcissism may not be insane, but really in another way it is insane). Had he only been, sorry to use this term, "man enough" (why there isn't an expression that says "women enough" I don't know, we need that too), he would have made it clear to the narcissist if you cause trouble with her you are going to have a problem with me. But he didn't. He had only found his ideal grey stone tactique and did not really care what happened to the rest of us (or that was how it felt, really. I felt very much alone, alone in trying to protect myself, the kids, other people - because I do jump in, I do protect others, because that was how I was raised.) I spent years in that family trying to live up to these insane, not so spoken, demands of what a daughter in law should be like to get approval - and then one day I thought I am so sick of not feeling good enough. I was never good enough. No matter how much I did, no matter of how much I accepted, I could never get there. And then I thought do I really want to get there? Is that really me? No, it wasn't me. I had thought that because I was so much in love (once) with my luv, i was so insecure to loose his love, I so badly wanted his family's approval on one hand, but in the other - it just wasn't going to be me. I stoped taking the insults (from the narcissist), stoped taking it just so that my then luv would not be in any pain, being stuck in the middle, and once I made that decision - this all ends now- I felt so liberated. I felt like crying, of happiness. I got me back. I had given up my own self dignity in my sacrifise just so I would protect him, love him - but what did I get in return? It wasn't worth it and I shall never do that mistake again as long as I live.

For him it was disastrious as he said he had not understood how destructive this situation had been on me for so long, and that he was sorry that he hadn't seen it.

That he thought it was troublesome for him to know what to do - when me and the narcissist collided - as he said I went against the stream and I took the battle, and that was dangerous (but I could not have it any other way, I had to stand up, and I had to protect the others too). That he thought I was outsmarting and I was winning the discussions, the arguments with the narcissist, something he knew the narcissist couldn't take. And he thought if I jump in here now - I am going to make her look like a little girl who can't defend herself. So what the ... am I going to do? All I remember him doing is that he (as he on time sat next to me) took his arm, hand around my chair's back. That was I think the first time I felt - OK, he has my back. He doesn't speak, but he is with me. After that he took to talking to the narcissist alone, and for the moment things calmed down, the narcissist has "apologized", and even that done with a sick twist to it, not a normal apology, several times, pushed I think by the others thinking the narcissist was wrong to have treated me that way. I was to never hear my then luv even raise his voice towards the narcissist. Never. Always calm, stern. At home - at home he could yell at me, but never to this narcissist. That too gave me the feeling he did not really think I needed respect. But he said he had only strong feelings for me, he loved me, he thought we were close in ways he never was with the narcissist, and too this was how he had learn by watching his parents to fight, but that he could see how it had made me feel even more as if - Ok so I am trash and it is ok to yell at me like that - but to the narcissist, that one gets the royal treatment, even at times when it has treated me badly. Great. Just great. He would tell me he could have freaking nightmares where he yelled at even got violent with the narcissist, and nightmares about loosing me, but in reality - no, he would not raise his voice. He would give the narcissist no feelings, and that is one way of doing it. One has to learn tactiques on how to behave with narcissists not to let them put you down but to keep things under control and to outsmart them. There's full of those on you tube, you could watch if you want to and see if something resonates with you?

I was used to before when my then boyfriend was a psychopath (I wish I was over aggerating right now but he was called out to be one by a psychiatrist and he actually fit the profile scary-perfect) that other people, they did not see, they did not know what I knew, they were "sleeping", they were manipulated. And I could tell in this horror that I was alone. And so when all that began to happen with my then luv and his narcissistic parent and the hold it had on this family - I felt alone too. And I knew that my then luv, he was "sleeping". He did not see clearly and he did not have the weapons he needed to protect himself, me and our family. He wasn't there. Not then.

There is not a single relationship out there that if it is not built on mutual respect - it is not going to be healthy and it is not going to be truly successful. One shouldn't ride, abuse the term and think one has more rights to treat someone else badly just because one is a parent, or just because one is older - or what it now may be. If they are using a term - as an excuse, as part of a reason - why they are entitled to abuse you - they are not. But somehow these abusers think they have so many rights, to do that.

I think it is important, not just to you but to your current or future partner, to a family maybe if you can and want to create that, that these boundaries are already set, and as many times as required one needs to re - set them again so this narcissistic or just selfish parent get it, or else it won't stop just with you, it will go after your partner, it will go after your kids.

What I have found to be so sad with the narcissist I was involved with is that even if one set those boundaries (and a normal person would get them, hell not even need them there in the first place because they would know better than to treat, demand such things from someone else), one has to keep re setting them - because the narcissist does not learn. So it is constant repeat. But one still has to do it each and every single time somethings like that comes up. It's their brains, the damage, they just don't get it. I think when one starts to view them from that perspective it gets easier.

If, and as he can not shift his way of thinking, you still need to be strong. Up with those walls. It isn't about being a bad son, it is to have a normal and healthy and mutual relationship. Surely if the parents grow old and need more help, of course one should be there, but it has to still be in a way that works for you too.

[Guff779]

@asearcher.

Wow, this is a brilliant post, thank you for your advice, suggestions and your post.

You're welcome, I was a little afraid I came in too strong, so I'm happy it resonates with you. I hope it works out for you.