Soulmate partner and triggers

Yes you certainly have! :)

As for me I think I am easily triggered because I am constantly on, that is we still have contact with my husband's narc etc even as he is limiting the access now to protect our family and our relationship.

It is a huge trigger for me too because it is as if the door is still open only not just as much and I want it closed and I want closure. And unlike dealing with a problem with a normal person one can not have closure with a narc, it is just on and on, different phases.

When I think back there are so many triggers from my own past, my parents split up, and then when I was creating my own family I was again subjected to rejection, dominance.

And too I think my husband has symbolized the friends I had around me when I was in a relationship with a psychopath. Manipulated. Does not see the truth for what it is (because it is too ugly).

And me having the most precious thing in my life that I wish to protect as a mom.

I know I felt at times as if I could not trespass my husband. That I could only be as strong as he was, and he was not strong enough. That if it was up to me I would handle it differently. I would for sure cut off all contact. I would be honest and tell them why. I would have had enough.

This is still a trigger for me. I have days when I can handle it better and days when I don't.

I think too because of my background, again my parents, I developed early on that I was independent, that I can only at the end of the day count on myself. For me to even be married was a big step. I don't want to feel trapped in my situation because then I know I will just hit and run.

My husband is the one doing better and better now.

I was only recent time told he has canceled some stuff with his parents. He says too he can't relax for second with his parents around because he never knows then the narc is going to try something.

I don't think there will be a final cut, but I do know from their descriptions that we are not the only family that has done no contact with these people. Still of course they have other stories for this. Still it is as if they are this superior, perfect family and not their fault there has been no contact. I don't know the other side for the no contact but I do have to say it is surprisingly many people that has gone no contact with this family, and leave it at that.

It is the entire non ability or no use of the right communication that also drives me nuts. That nobody can just say it like it is. I really have to hold back. Everyone's pretending. Everything also has to be on the surface/superficial topics all the time because if you say something the narc can use against you you're done.

Today it is as if everything has start a new, but I can't relax. Now they are so polite, both parents. It is as if the movie starts all over again.

I never know if I am going to be hit from the side or the back. I have lived like that when I was the psychopaths girlfriend/fiance. I promised myself not to live that way again. And here I am. Back in the old shoes again that I just want to kick off of me.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

And too I think my husband has symbolized the friends I had around me when I was in a relationship with a psychopath. Manipulated. Does not see the truth for what it is (because it is too ugly).

And me having the most precious thing in my life that I wish to protect as a mom.

Sorry to hear that, asearcher. And I understand that you as a mother want to protect and hold firmly reoccurringly the ground so that the venomous, limited beliefs won't trickle down - what you do makes a difference for general future settings and future generation

And about that psychopath - as I said in PM, that "radar" the thing one has (combination of heightened intuition, third eye, empathy etc) is actually a sacred gift. To be able to decipher things in situations and cases others may not. I am also learning to embrace that about myself, more and more.

You see it for what it is, the manipulation and the need for protection, safeguarding away from it - your gift, your instincts and protective nature. That protective nature is indeed priceless

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Izz

Lately my soulmate partner unintentionally triggered me and I was really infuriated. He has since apologized for it and is being accountable, but I am still honestly effected by it

At present I feel anger and even some distance despite his apologies and repeated assurances

How do you personally deal when your soulmate triggers you?

I generally sit with my reaction and face whatever arises in me fully.

I don’t just isolate this as ‘soul mate’ but rather let all reactions in me be addressed fully.

I’ve been a self reflector to open and clear since my twenties. I learnt early in that these times were opportunities to heal pain in me reacting. Heal to the core of those reactions.

I sometimes speak up after I’m cleared depending on who the person is. If it’s someone I care more so for and feel close too, I generally express to them why I’m reacting and give them an opportunity to reflect if they need too. I don’t hold them to this all the same. I respect their needs and choices for them.

When your clear of your own emotional reactions, you begin to see, regardless of those triggering you, regardless of what you need from them in return, you can’t control the other or force them beyond where they are. They have to choose for them even if it’s reoestjng behaviours.

When I’m sharing my feelings, my thoughts on their behaviour, I’ve learned to let go fully, once this is done.

Sometimes it’s good the other knows, if it’s a shared close union, it does require both parties to meet in the middle, find a place both feel it’s been sorted.








Once I feel it’s complete in me. It’s my responsibility to make peace with others as they are. If they can’t change or don’t shift with you, you’ll begin to see what’s important for you.

I think to build intimacy with yourself and others, you do have to learn the art of letting go fully of your reactions to lessen them the next time. You can be more pro active for yourself in this way, where by your boundaries are in place, your respected and no longer their trigger.

You support the other this way too, you don’t hold on to lingering unresolved emotions.

[Izz]

Can I just say that - despite how frustrating he could be at times, my soulmate really be the one to help illuminate light on certain things

When that dysfunctional family member was trying to put paranoia in my head about something lately, he's the one who broke it down by making me see the practical side of things

This is why we're soulmates, mutually teaching each other

Originally Posted by asearcher

It is the entire non ability or no use of the right communication that also drives me nuts. That nobody can just say it like it is. I really have to hold back. Everyone's pretending. Everything also has to be on the surface/superficial topics all the time because if you say something the narc can use against you you're done.

Sorry to hear this again, at least your radar cuts through that pretentious superficiality and charm

Originally Posted by JustBe

Sometimes it’s good the other knows, if it’s a shared close union, it does require both parties to meet in the middle, find a place both feel it’s been sorted.

Yup, so true. Thank you so much too for your insightful input

Hi thank you so again and sorry to take up so much space on your thread Izz.

I'm really happy your soulmate knows just how to interpret what your narc is up to and put an end to it, you really need someone like that to help keep you sane in an insane situation. Like me I think you have been in this insane situation for too long why too you know all the tactics by now, all the manipulation strategies that these individual with their mental disorder have, even if masked to the rest of the world. And you know how it is? When you are full of something, when you have had too much of something, you just can not take another bite of it, makes you want to throw up.

Too already your partner has been warned so he won't get into, get close to the narc to allow himself to be filtered, manipulated, and that is very good.

I agree with so much what JustBe writes too.

as for me I think I have to realize that I am more of a "feeler", to me what I see with my eyes don't matter that much, so what clothes people were or not I could not care less about and I know everyone has integrity and i am not exactly known to go around and insult people.

I think too because of the past dominance I have been through I right away react, rebel against it. I dont want another grown person telling me what I should wear or not or tell me to loose or gain weight or not, they are interfering with my integrity, my personal space, i never do this to someone else. so it ****es me off. I always go by the saying if to say something say something nice, to help lift someone up.

but i made that clear to him early on when i began to notice he had all sorts of opinions on how i should look and what the length of my hair should be at. i would tell my luv to occupy himself with what was on his body instead of mine, that i could take care of my own stuff. so i never relied on him for complimenting or commenting what i wore or not or how i looked. i told him i look the way i want to look. don't go there.

but you know he has been this perfectionist (he still is but he is improving really good now on being less so, to understand what is really behind it, so these days it is cool, to live with him, not how it used to be). as this perfectionist everything around him, and especially the partner has to look perfect. there is a little bit of narc-sickness in that. i see us as 2 individuals who has chosen to be involved with one another. does not give him the right to tell me how to look right, just to please him. i don't like it. i never tell him stuff like that. it becomes a power struggle.

it has also scared me because i know by now that he sees things more with his eyes and i feel things more. that he sees faults on me, faults on my body that i myself don't think is a problem. i mean that meant he was the last person on earth i would then want to show myself semi naked or more to. and here i go around thinking i'm fine the way i am and other people are fine, and he goes around seeing faults, in small details.

it was interesting too because after the incident when he told me to loose weight, his before beautiful face to me began to change. i began to think he has too short of this on the face and what else i saw as faults suddenly. he began to even look strange to me. i began to see certain structure/model of how one part of his body looked (not something you can help, you are born this way) as if that was not something he could work on (unless plastic surgery but i don't think even that extreme would change it).

and i have realized when i look at someone i look at them with love. and i don't see faults, the way he saw in my appearance.

and i have asked him after that that why did you see me like that back then? your mind must have been so negative towards me. why did you ask me to try again if this is how you viewed my body? i can be with someone who don't view my body like that, i don't think honestly i will have a problem. i did not have a problem before you and i dont think i will have a problem after you. what do you get out of putting me down for? do you feel superior then? why is your measurement the right one, the perfect one? you have not even asked me what kind of weight is my comfy-weight. you take for granted that i should weight something to please you and that is just sick. you're sick.

not the first time i said to him i thought he was sick. one time when he again just focused on a detail instead of everything else i had done, i told him i thought he was sick. sick and negative. i would tell him it isn't what is out here, it is what is in his mind that is wrong and he should stop trying to punish us and take away our joy about something that is wrong in his head, not with us, not with our home.

i do know now, as when he made the idiotic weight comment, that because of his strong reaction afterwards, by just looking at my response for 2 seconds that he could tell he had hurt me, that he has empathy, and i forgot how many times he apologized.

i said it was no use of us continuing as it was now impossible for me to even phantom myself semi nude with his over criticizing eyes on me (and im someone passionate). i lost all will and passion to find myself in any sort of intimate relationship with him. so lets just call it quits. that he did this. before that comment we never had problems in that department.

one time i remember someone we knew would tell us that she was so pre occupied with what her body looked like during intimacy that it was impossible for her to relax and enjoy herself. and how crazy that was. and he would try to tell her to not think like that. so always so sweet to other females, right? saying all the right stuff. But to me? punching bag. sound narc-familiar? i told him that was the kind of guy i had fallen in love with, someone with such sensitive qualities to him. not this guy. that he had no respect for me. that he wanted me to feel bad about myself for no reason.

then came his old anxiety? about my health again, i think this weight obsession comes from his first family, this is what he has been taught is right and these are the comments he has grown up to listening to his parents. but he did not say he was worried about my weight, instead he insulted how i looked. that is how they do it. not everyone thank God.

the alternative was for me to be inferior and say you really think so? and go on another hysterical diet to weight just what he would want me to weight and until then be insecure and not want to show my body, be ashamed of my body to hm in the meanwhile meaning no intimacy and if pressured to intimacy - what a nightmare. not how i would have wanted it. so i told him it is better he and i call us done, as i felt done now with him.

what was strange about all that is that he physically is the type to show me every day signs of tenderness, not just in the bed department, but that he wants to reach out, in small and big ways, as if he does like my body and wants to stay close to me, even in his sleep it is as if he wants to be close to me. so i did not understand why he would turn on me like that with that stupid comment.

i think his sensitivity is beautiful, that was why i think i fell in love with him but i got all his insecurities, that sensitivity is backfiring, and one is i think that he would have felt more secured, as if i would have to give up a piece of me, be dressed in something just because he likes it that then he would feel she loves me, but he is suppose to love me for me, my individuality, and i cant go around trying to change or be something else that i am not to please him. either he loves me for me and i am perfect how i am or he don't. i don't like that game. but he knows that now.

i think there is so much insecurity and fear of illnesses from his first family that it had worked its way into his head somehow. he has said to me he don't want me to get sick, he don't want to loose me. as soon as i can have the smallest issue he tells me i need to look that up, so there has been this fear. and by insulting my looks i bet he thought for a second that i would change to please him, instead of realizing he was the one with the problem.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi thank you so again and sorry to take up so much space on your thread Izz.

No need to apologize, because in return for you taking up space here in my thread - I was taking up space in your PM inbox hihihihi

Also sorry asearcher I think your inbox is full again now thanks to me. So you take up my thread space, but I take up your inbox apparently. Sorry again, be sure to make space in your inbox when you get this

(at times its nice to see the lighter side of things)

Originally Posted by asearcher

I'm really happy your soulmate knows just how to interpret what your narc is up to and put an end to it, you really need someone like that to help keep you sane in an insane situation.

Honestly it wasn't so much as him saying "she's being toxic again." It was more, as he's a realistic more-earth-like person (I mentioned before that although he's a water sign, he behaves more like an earth sign at times), he showed me the realistic side of a certain situation. He would say "this is the realistic way" making something that was blown out of proportion, be brought down to earth

Originally Posted by asearcher

Like me I think you have been in this insane situation for too long why too you know all the tactics by now

Yes, it's also part of my life purpose to learn how to unbound myself from a few of the dysfunctional parts I was taught, and parts I overlooked a long ago. This also means accepting and integrating parts of myself that I once thought were "wrong" but were actually there for a reason

I'm glad that you are a "feeler" of a person and being steadfast with your ground. It is a blessing and a gift that you would not be persuaded by tricks, and that in your lifetime you would be able to see through, cut through some of the pretense that other people think everyone else would overlook

I understand because of the past dominance you were subjected to, you feel the need to ultimately rebel, to be free. You remind me of my friend that I mentioned to you in inbox, she also prizes freedom due to having been chained too in life

And as for him being a perfectionist, as I would say - in the myth of perfection, there is also inconsistency, thus inherently there's imperfection. In every myth of perfection, there's imperfection. Poor communication by the dysfunctional in law for example proves that there's imperfection and he needs to see the double standards

i understand your reservations about how he seems to pick at faults, and it becomes something unprovoked when you wouldn't do the same to him

i think there is so much insecurity and fear of illnesses from his first family that it had worked its way into his head somehow.

Yes, sadly, hence the inner work I mentioned

Hi Izz, thank you so much and also for putting up with all my words, LOL. Again great your soulmate combines you in such a way and all the best to you.

I think the more you have self love and self respect, the more good you do for yourself and you do to others it ought to be good energies sent out. The exception for this let's not forget is when dealing with narcs and it's kind, that sadly won't work there.

I have edited (deleted) as I wrote waaaay tooooo much again, LOL.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I think the more you have self love and self respect, the more good you do for yourself and you do to others it ought to be good energies sent out. The exception for this let's not forget is when dealing with narcs and it's kind, that sadly won't work there.

I have edited (deleted) as I wrote waaaay tooooo much again, LOL.

Hello

Perhaps it best if you could vent to me in PM too so that you won't have to delete after writing a lot

(Sorry if this is my fault but could you clear up your inbox again, wanted to send you another PM about something. Again sorry)

Hi Izz, thanks, I have deleted now :)

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi Izz, thanks, I have deleted now :)

*Sorry I wrote a post then deleted it to send to your inbox instead. Wanted to send you another one on it but inbox full lol*