Is it just me?

I am wondering if it is just me noticing that overall in my life I hear people comment, both females and males, on particularly the female bodies. I have never til I entered a narc's family ever thought about it. Maybe it has been like this all along only I was oblivious to it or moving in a different crowd that just didn't?

I have gone from underweight, normal weight to overweight and back and forth in my life and the thing is I have been just as "home", comfy in my body and my view of my body the same. The only thing I do not like so much but it is still no bother is when I have been underweight is that my face looks more narrow but that is a personal reflection.

I have been at the beach with kids and been joking around with them like I usually do and we have fun and laugh and I want them to be comfy in their own bodies and to know I am comfy in mine. It is a sense of a feeling of freedom compared to when I remembered back when my own husband tried to be on top of what I ate and how to exercise and I had never asked of his opinion, advice. It was as if he saw himself as superior. He would later claim he was worried about my health but I can't think back if I was actually overweight or just normal weight or slightly overweight. Either way it doesn't matter. It was how he expressed himself that was a disaster and why he even would in the first place.

His narc parent's attitude has gotten on almost all the females in the family's nerves (married into it etc, us who come from the outside, and thank God I like to add we do come from the outside). The comments are made with the lack of integrity, boundaries of the female bodies without any of us having asked for any of it. I have stood up for myself and stood up for the other women. Later on they have thanked me for saying something. I am thinking we are the moms of this new generation and we have to make it real clear that this is not acceptable. Still the narc parent continues. The narc parent does not comment on the male's bodies. The narc parent's partner never says anything. If the narc partner says something negative about it's partner's weight, looks, it just takes it. That is a problem. But I feel all I can do is to say something when the narc parent talks this way about it's partner. I have been told that before me the others had been taught to not go against, say something as always or often the narc parent would then say it was a joke or it was because of this or that and that the others were too sensitive.

I have told the narc parent and others too that the way it is talked about the female bodies is not appropriate and that we have a responsibility to look out for the younger generation, how this is perceived.

I am not looking forward spending time with the narc this summer with children around and will limit the time as much as I can, as it is so obvious this narc parent never learns.

I have noticed in this family the culture has been to be perfect what ever that means and to only say negative things like a spot on the clothes is a disaster. If and when I take a photo with my husband he automatically could say a number of things he wanted to improve about himself like getting a sun tan or what ever. I have said I think you look fine etc and leave it at that. Their whole mind set seem to be focused on finding the smallest, negative things and I am someone the opposite who sees positive things about people and can't really see, or be bothered by such unimportant things, to help destroy the mood or to put someone down. What they are also doing is to find things I do not think are negative or have not reflected upon what I think and make them into something negative. This is also done to the grandchildren. I have had to in the past removed child, children as they have suddenly gotten to be the target of the narc's comments. I have had children burst into tears. It can also be about something a child needs to have and is itself insecure but need to wear it and have just gotten over this insecurity and also me and my side of the family has done positive remarks of it and friends and their parents the same, and then in one second the narc parent has destroyed everything we have built up, pointed out in front of everyone, makinng a gruesome remark, starting out positive of course and then twisting it in this sick manner, manipulative. I am surprised actually that i have not killed the narc parent now when I think of it (just joking, but my blood has boiled that I can tell you).

The kind of talk of female bodies that has been allowed in my husband's first family has I am afraid impacted the younger female generation and I am thinking too of possibly the younger male generation. I have told the narc parent and others too that the children are around and are catching things. I have had children (cousins) asking me in private if they look fat and showing me their extremely flat tummies and having genuine worried looks in their eyes. This while being at the grandparents house. I have heard a child each morning getting up to see what body weight her body has. Her body is underweight but with the perception of fear to gain weight. In my opinion this is serious.

I have had talks with my husband before about all of this and I left him after he had made a bad comment about my weight, looks even if he straight away got emotional, began to cry, and apologized as he could tell he had hurt me. We were to later reconcile but this was after he had done some therapy on his own etc. Even so once reconciled his narc parent took an event as an opportunity to say bad things about my body in front of everyone and I answered for myself but could hardly hear my own words because my husband blew up at the narc and so did others, and the narc and in this regard I can understand the narc, looked stunned as it is of course used to not getting protests from the males in the family. So about time I would say. About time.

Is it because I am in this particular situation, around these particular people that I notice this, or is this something that is generally going on only before I did not pay attention to it or is it something that has began to escalate? Is it both the male and the female bodies who are targeted in this way or is it most the females? What's your opinion about this? Do you have any good comments one can use to tell the ones doing these comments to back off? The comments made are objectifying and are not done with grace, with integrity of someone else's body. I think it is way overstepping boundaries and that nobody has the right to speak this way about someone else's body.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

The kind of talk of female bodies that has been allowed in my husband's first family has I am afraid impacted the younger female generation and I am thinking too of possibly the younger male generation. I have told the narc parent and others too that the children are around and are catching things.

Hello asearcher

This point alone honestly two-folded me liking you as a person, a poster on this forum - and I already know that I was completely correct in your husband ("Golden child syndrome") being given the chance to break the cycle with you (provided that he doesn't mess up that is - it's his free will to take this chance and BREAK THE CYCLE or continue to replicate his narc parent's actions be it that he has empathy compared to the narc parent)

To your questions - I have been used to an upbringing of which family members and certain relatives commented freely on women's appearances. I have even been pitted by these members to be in competition with other women relatives (triangulation stuff) based on physical appearances and clothing. But that literal rabbit hole is nothing but trouble and gotta go

[Empowers]

Misogyny, in all it's forms, has been around for a long time.

My solution would be to ask for what I want without trying to change the person. In other words, don't dialog about it, you have no need to justify your desire for respect. Men sticking up for what is right is also happening more. More men are becoming allies with women against misogynistic behavior, and that is exactly what is needed. Let your husband do the mansplaining to his male peers. You just day, "I expect you to not speak about my appearance." Or some such plain statement. Then let your husband take over.

[lostsoul13]

Women are the strongest even if the man is born masculine- muscles ect- I woman can have just as much.. but slightly smaller.. but is the truest stronger of the species…

Hi, than you all so much for all your comments and advice!

I have made a promise to myself that this summer I will enjoy to the fullest and ignore any negativity coming my way, just hit them to the curve.

Yes misogyny is the proper name for it and it is not something I have grown up with and I come from family on both side crowded with boys and men and God have I attended some drunk parties or what and still no such words or actions, only extremely rare and I can remember one time it was a guy doing that, but on another a woman doing it to a guy (me too reversed).

It should be real foreign for me to have any man tell me how I should look and weight. What baloney. Those who do that should take a good look at themselves before, and what the hell they look like from my or our perspective but they think they're better than us, that's the trouble and the stupidity. As if they genuinely think I was made to please them and they are superior, entitled to talk to me this way. It is from the source, the toxicity, the level they are at and speaking to me in such a way that is insulting, I am reacting to their **** on multiple levels.

I know or suspect many men don't even recognize themselves in all this but yes they too need to be aware this is happening and protest against it. I wonder myself what these guys doing all this stuff are so afraid of and that they can't have a proper good self esteem and need to work on themselves first before opening their mouth. If that is the only way they can feel entitled than that speaks for itself. Sad really.

Not even during pregnancies are the women from my husband's first family safe from any cruel comments and it can cause all sorts of stress which is not good for the mother or the baby to be.Before my own pregnancy I always thought people would only say nice things. I have been surprised that the fathers to be have not said anything to protest, me included in that when I was pregnant, they should have in my opinion, they take their woman to a place, she's carrying her man's child, he allows her to be talked to in a disrespectful manner when she has not said or done anything, just because it is his parent? It just signals to the narc parent this is how much or rather how little value she has, so just go ahead. I think that was the part that hurt the most, not what the crazy narc parent was up to.

I've had squabbles where the narc parent in law says bad things about someone expecting - in the same room!- and me saying positive and true things.

The narc parent think it is entitled to say how much or how little the pregnant daughter in law is suppose to eat and so on and complaining of her looks. I've never known such boundaries being crossed. People can get stunned too so they don't say anything. They go blank.

There has been times after the narc has said and done something that my husband will later say he was shocked, I said can you honestly say you are shocked each and every time something happens, I don't expect anything else and you of all people should see a pattern.

Same thing at some work place I was at with someone behaving badly, co workers saying they were "shocked". How many times can a person shock you? Before you get it? I was not shocked, I was not sad, I was not hurt. I was none of that because they were already off my list those who behave like that, again and again and again. I had no high expectation or normal expectation of them and so I didn't care what came out of their mouths or about their actions.

The way it works with the narc in that family is that what ever stupid things that come out of its mouth was not being addressed, no protests against it, they just let it be there, just let it be the law before.

I have asked my husband how they could have allowed such a person sit on the throne, have such a position, authority, and what that says about them in return. That this is all crazy. I have told my husband and others that evil wins when the good side do, say nothing.

The grown children have followed in the other parent's footsteps who was, is just silent when these remarks, comments were, are spoken. I do judge that parent for being equally to blame for this, enabling, allowing this to happen. I know the partner tries in other ways to fight the narc but no matter what stays loyal by it's side. Crazy.

I sometimes wonder if my side of the family would have been present what their impression would have been like but just because I think all this puzzled me, and I wanted to stay loyal I guess to my husband, and was too ashamed too on my husband's behalf I did not tell anyone from my side of the family. I think I was most puzzled by the fact that people born in this family acted as if these were just normal words allowed to speak about someone else. Not everyone though. Has happened other males have protested when happening to be near when the narc parent has spoken to me, wanting to I guess show me they are not like that, that they represent something else.

I think summer time is suppose to be fun time, and I know one male that each summer I see him he is so sweaty because he wants to cover up parts of his body that he had been bullied about in his past, in childhood or teenage years. I have asked is this what you really think of these body parts or is it because of the bully, made fun of? but he can't tell either way. I myself can not see what is suppose to be wrong with those body parts. I really can't. When I have been in stores I have tried to take photos of some clothes that are more summer-friendly to get for him so at least that will make it a little easier if he now still is not comfy showing these parts so that he at least will not limit himself from being outdoors and part of activities just because of the heat. I don't even want to think about those bullies who so long ago said those words to him and are themselves enjoying summer time, and who knows what they look like, pardon me and having no problem with that, and here he is walking around, each summer, still today, thinking something is wrong with those body parts when it isn't so. Someone who would not say a bad word about someone else, covering up and limiting himself.

I know of someone else too that is also covering up and have limited activities just because she does not want to show off her body, is ashamed of some parts. She shouldn't be in my opinion.

I have tried to make both come with me to where people bath and swim and so on and just see how many different body types there is and that it is all natural and that there is not just one body type even if we have been fed from the media there is only suppose to be one (or so it has felt at least). That we all do.

When someone told me but what if someone says say something (negative) I said then you say something about them then. But then that someone said but what will that be, what if there is nothing "wrong"? I then said make something up then. If someone got thick hair say something bad about that then and make sure you prefer thin hair??? anyways that is battling someone in the mud and it don't feel OK but what are one suppose to do? Then again I knew no one would say something.

I myself don't care what people wish to look like, that is their thing, they can have a cactus on their head for all I care, as long as it's their choice and nobody else. If one is curious one could always ask "What does it mean to you?", then my experience is people will tell you, then they feel you are coming from a good place, you have respect for them, you know they have integrity. How you ask reveal where you yourself come from within. I have been told beautiful stories about all sorts of things from people willing to share, tattoo stories etc. It's wonderful. Someone else coming from a different place from the within would have perhaps judged the person's tattoo and never got to be told, would have looked at it as ugly when it was beautiful al along.

I have something on my body that I have been given comments on how to not make it so visible but I first of all don't think it is so visible and even if it is I am fine with it as it is the result from pregnancy and have no problem having it visible. I don't view it as ugly. As wrong. I even like it being there, it has a story to tell. I don't mind it.

I was an adventurous child and have all sorts of proof of climbing trees and much more and each of those marks has a story. I don't want laser on that and what not. I want those there. I'm thinking if I have lived a full life and have no sign of it than maybe I haven't lived or at least not how I wanted to live. I had a blast through it all and I always got back on my feet again. Those are good memories. I like those scars. If someone else got scars they don't like and do laser then that is their choice, what ever makes them feel good then but I am hoping they are doing it for their sake, not for anyone elses.

When me and my husband where estranged in the past statistically I knew someone I would be into that way ought to be that way about me too with so many people in the world, not a problem, one should never sell oneself too short nor anyone else for that matter, there are always someone for someone, people just gotta believe it in my opinion. I did not have any problems before him either so I don't know why he thought he was so special, superior, entitled, righteous. He was only special because I gave him that position before, but he did no longer deserve it in my opinion, so it was on me to take it back. Sometimes people seem to wait, you can find it in lyrics in love songs especially, for the other person to "release you". Nobody is releasing you, you have to release yourself. You can't wait around for someone to release you, that means you have given the power that belong to you to someone else who shouldn't have it. You instead gotta go "That's mine, bye now".

I do think karma and universe is then playing it right, when we start to refuse to be inferior because someone else wants us inferior when that someone is suppose to be someone who should treat us equally right like we do them.

[Izz]

I recognize those patterns you mentioned - the dysfunctional ones like to set rabbit holes after rabbit holes for their targets to be in those "circular" motions. And you are correct, it isn't right to dehumanize based on physical appearances

Btw asearcher, I tried replying to your PM your inbox is full again

thanks Izz, oh sorry I have fixed that now :)

[Izz]

Hello asearcher

I tried replying again your inbox full huhu