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Old 27-05-2024, 04:49 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
well some idle words
i guess
i have enough
to have a comfy retirement
sorta along the lines
of what I've been living
when I retire
in a few years

sorta safe
I guess...

would be a downgrade
if I decided to support someone else

it just seems easier
to think about
being alone
when i was young
and wanting an out
to some 'better place'
than the awfulness I felt

i would try to read
about the paths
others had taken

but i couldn't really

looking back
it might as well have been
reading horror stories,

stories about
how you lay down your life
pack up your bags
and follow someone else
at great cost to yourself

and after all that
you feel
just as alone
as you ever did.

i couldn't read them
very well
given that all i saw
was the horror that was waiting within

so I'm not very learned
in terms
of what others
have said or done

and don't have the understanding
to share in the insights that come from it.
which is kind of
a blessing
and a curse

the blessing comes
without buying into the beliefs
and choosing
one of
the many ways of life
are endlessly touting
i don't have to be
so encumbered
by the blinders
society asks us to wear
that I can't see beauty
for what it really is.

the curse comes because
if I don't buy into
what others are buying into
I don't have anything in common with the others
and thus no real basis for sharing...

i guess it is kinda like
one way mirrors...

when one has learned to look
beyond oneself
to see others,
one eventually catches on
that others can't really see
beyond their own wants and desires

and if they don't want me???

Well they never do.
i suppose i could now lay down my own life
to expound
on the beauty I see
and get others to follow along

but honestly, I didn't see any merit in doing that
as a follower,
and I don't see any merit in doing that
as a leader

in both cases
it is just the blind
leading the blind

nothing good ever comes of it.

So i don't want to lead
any more than I want to follow...
if i could have a friend
that would be nice
like i say
noone wants to swim upstream
to see anything close
to what I'm actually all about
and any more
i don't feel like
following the river
yet another time
into another's world

guess I can't even have that.
but I'm not unhappy either...
i just gotta accept
life is what it is
even when that isn't what I would rather have...

sometimes it is more painful
to be fighting
to remove all the pain
than it is
just to accept the original pain
in the first place...

one of the things
held out in front of me
until I finally understood...

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Old 29-05-2024, 01:14 AM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
hi sweetie

turns out
you aren't
the only troublemaker
in the city

for example
i can't help but think
she who has the key
to all this pain

just randomly causes me more pain
in the hopes
that eventually I will get tired of it
and ask her to use the key
just to get away from it.

and it goes on and on like that.

you all of you
make my life unbearable
and then I have to bear it anyway
and pretend i like how you are behaving
and have no protestation
even though in constant pain.

right now
I'm just so sick of the whole thing
that all i can think of
is to wonder
what it would be like
to just quit relating
to the whole lot of you.

aside from that
i do know though
I don't have anyone I want
right now.

Nothing any of you
you could give
would be worth
how it would make me feel
to be stuck with the way
you keep making me feel.

even money
which is supposed to make everything better
when I look at the way
life has gone
when I've had it

and i look at the way
life has gone
when I needed it
but wasn't allowed to have it...

and i look what was said
about my present life
and the end of its script...

I just no longer want any part of it
or of anyone who has it.

but that doesn't really matter
i don't really want
any part
of anyone
at this point in my existance.
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Old 29-05-2024, 07:59 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
hi sweetie,

well i suppose
if i say
what i want to say
you will just take it
the way
you always do

and it will just egg you on...

i no longer mind
that i can't win
any fight
i might pick
with a you

that is actually kinda homey
any more

but fighting
just leaves me
all worn out
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Old 01-06-2024, 02:24 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
well the other day
accused a me
of being manipulative

it kinda hurt
well really a lot
I wasn't willing
to act out
because of it

so i just
sat there

right now
I'm taking a break

not that i expect
to fix anything

more because
I realize
I've done an awful lot
in the space
of this short lifetime

and I don't need any more
to be perfect

so if i want a break
that seems ok

I'll probably
go back

for another beating

any more
god's way
seems a whole
heck of a lot
more desirable
than all
I used to do

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Old 09-06-2024, 03:19 AM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
im kinda tired
of people
expecting me to be
something im not

then yelling at me
when I don't live up to
their expectations.
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Old 19-06-2024, 02:02 AM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
hi sweetie -

so i was chatting with someone
and the topic of trust came up

so that reminded me to say
I trust you
more than i let on
even a little further than I could throw you!

that doesn't anymore mean
that the dream i had
where we somehow related
differently than we do now
or have always done
is worth the paper i wrote it on...

but which also doesn't mean
I'm so totally unhappy with you
that I'm going off in a funk
once again
to deny you even exist!....

it is what it is
no more than it has ever been
no less either

and I find
I can either live with that
or not

but anymore
living with that
hard as it is
seems much much better
chasing you
all around creation
only to lose myself
once again

doing without
seems much much better
than asking you
for what I don't want for myself either -
each of us
to be something we are not...
there seems to be
a conception
that if god isn't giving
what I want
what use is He?

i don't really get any support from him
which is something that seems desirable
but still
for myself
I loved him enough
to try to find out
why he would treat me that way
instead of acceding to my demands
for the way i felt i wanted
a better life

and now I love him even more.

getting what one wants
is for the birds,
compared to the beauty
of the love of god.
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Old 19-06-2024, 08:06 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is online now
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,468
anything i do
is always wrong
and no matter
how right
i try to make it
i just get flumouxed...

so tired
of trying to be
who others
want me to be
just to give them
some sense
of their own life

only to be used up
then discarded
and in total pain the whole time

and so tired
of always feeling like
I'm an awful person
not worth anything
and then have to beg people
to try to get them
to think otherwise

and so tired
of expecting things
to somehow
be different than they were yesterday
that somehow
there will be a resolution
to things that never got resolved before
and try to leave doors open
once again
that noone will ever walk through
even though im screaming
for some kind of relief
from this need
to be hoping
will finally do something
other than cause me pain
when I know they won't.

any more
if i'm gonna be forced to be
and hurting

i'd rather mope around about it
and feel bad
than paint it in bright colors
pretending perhaps
that im happy
with my lot.

I'm gonna be alone either way,
why not just do it a way
that makes sense to me
instead of continuing to try
to make sense to others?
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