What chance do I have?

Yes, there's the perennial problem, treating mental disorders with medicines, not just the chance of misdiagnosis which is rife in psychiatry but treating it as a physiological "illness" which it rarely is. Such medicines allege to deal with chemical imbalance but that assumes there is an imbalance but I doubt that's often measured so it might work, it might not. It might do more harm than good, like amitriptyline was for me.

So, here's wishing the best with the tincture. Herbal remedies can often do better because they are more 'in tune' with the human body/being.

I sometimes treat my insomnia with a mix of passiflora, skullcap and valerian if I'm feeling too alive at bedtime! I awake with no hangover as I do with zopiclone.

Good luck.

[Sarahpro]

Hi,
Just wanna resurface this.
I have been struggling for months now.
I had this weird ego death experience that made my mind go unruly and therefore meds have not been working, anxiety still comes and traumatized/fragments me more.
What I am looking for (as we all are) is an experience I had in 2018- total surrender, egolessness, divine love.
People keep saying I need to heal gradually before that can happen. This has been proven to be impossible, as whenever I make progress, it gets shot down by more trauma.
I just wonder if it’s possible to happen out of the blue?
Last week I had quite a profound heart opening experience, I burst into tears and felt a ton lighter. It didn’t last for more than a week though, because of trauma. This has been really disheartening because I really thought I was making progress. I got back in my body, found some joy, grieved a lot.
I know the only way seems to be total surrender, because then I’d be able to actually face the fear instead of being fragmented by it - cuz I’d be stronger than the fear. But ya I have really been unable to heal.
Wonder what is possible here. Thanks

[Sarahpro]

Furthermore I am still breathing manually. In 2018 when my heart opened, it’s because I became aware of breath in an intimate setting and thus experienced an egoless state filled with love and presence. My ego is constantly in control of my breath so I don’t know how I can ever enter that egoless state. Thx

[Wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Furthermore I am still breathing manually. In 2018 when my heart opened, it’s because I became aware of breath in an intimate setting and thus experienced an egoless state filled with love and presence. My ego is constantly in control of my breath so I don’t know how I can ever enter that egoless state. Thx

Hi there,
I've been reading through this thread and I have a lot of compassion for what you are going through. I have experienced a similar dissociation with my body, but not to the extreme of the manual breathing you are describing for more than moments at a time. I did however have extreme trauma responses while on the table during lomi lomi Hawaiian sacred temple body work ceremonies. I came to understand it as the want for my essence to leave my body because the experience of the body was so intense.
Firstly, I'm so glad you are seeing a therapist and reaching out to community. This is so important and there are many people experiencing similar things, you are not alone.
Next, to offer you some suggestions that hopefully will help... from what I can with what you are describing, the next thing to move toward when you are dissociated from your body, is to come back to the body. You want to be in your body because it is the vehicle through which you experience things in the material world. You experience emotions through the body and sensations. Move towards coming back to the heart center, I believe the advice of grounding was already given, I'd remind you of that and make it a practice. You want to anchor to the center of the earth.
It sounds like you have a lot of trauma that needs to be integrated as you go through this process. Some specific resources to look into would be, somatic therapy and TRE. Trauma release technique by Dr Berceli, may be very helpful for you. You might also try learning an energy modality while continuing therapy. Just know that if a therapist isn't very aware of the energetic side of things they can only help you so much. Same goes for me or anyone else telling you things, listen to your own knowing. Obviously this is tricky when you get into the subject of mental illness and if you need to take medication and a liscenced psychologist should be the one to asses that.
Otherwise, find the tools you need to move forward.

In my personal journey, I used a combination of several tools. Shamanic journeying to integrate soul fragments as well as lots of cord cutting. I also did a lot of 'body work', which just means having practices that involve the body with the intention of connecting to the body. Slowly over the years I've come back to earth and I continue to feel centered and grounded. If you are looking for a little more on this I also suggest resources that you can listen to and follow guided meditations; https://anchor.fm/erin-oracle

I'm rooting for you along your journey!

[Shinsoo]

First off, I would highly drop the idea of ego death. Ego is how our soul processes experiences. If we did not have it, we would just be floating around learning nothing.

That all said, one of the best techniques to start pinning down your issues is through being that of an observer. Observe your emotions. What triggers them? Why do you want to create certain positive experiences? What are you holding onto that enables you to feel so needy and love-deprived?

Dig deep, maybe contact your spirit guides if you have them. Or just ask 'spirit' in general to show you--do not worry you won't attract negative entities on the astral--the only ones that might show up are manifestations of your own mind. So you are completely in control.

Sometimes reasons for certain issues existing are multi-layered. Sometimes it's not just a facet in yourself that you are unwilling to see, but also trauma as well.

Just a few helpful tips. I hope you find your way out of the mess. I was there for 5+ years before I finally was able to turn things around. There is always a way out. Keep at it. <3

[Sarahpro]

Thank you for the wise words :]

[Johnathanrs]

1)From my discoveries, love happens when there is absence of craving and aversion; when there is no self. My self is there in every breath.

I think you are correct, but are in the process of learning a even greater truth on what love is - it is unconditional. A force that holds no limitations. Love can happen at any time. It is only your ego that has conditions - a reflection on who you are at the current time. You can transform your ego at any time.

2) since the ego death thing things have gotten worse to a paramount extent. In April and May I was socializing, laughing, dancing, cooking (albeit still suffering) and after June I stopped doing all of that and just became a joyless zombie and my sense of humour is fully GONE. The only things I enjoy doing are playing volleyball, eating, and looking at old messages cuz I am infatuated with my old self it's disgusting.

You are learning of your shadow.

3) my heart has nothing left in it really. Hugging my mom, cuddling with my cat, does nothing for me.

From a shadow perspective, awesome, great job.

4) I have no more awareness of my body really, it's like full dissociation

Again great job, you're doing great!

5) I have no more ego sense of self ie might as well be high on mushrooms all the time (and even one trip traumatized me badly)

Normal.

6) the grasping for love and equanimity is CONSTANT. Every loving interaction, cuddle, cry, there's the part of me that's grasping hoping it's that Big Bang heart opening that happened before.

It seems your consciousness is trying to grow. Everything that you are stating is shadow tranquility. Imagine this, if you were on a deserted island and were experiencing starvation, would you want to feel that? Being joyless is now considered as a blessing. However, counter intuitive, being in a party where you are trying to feel something, it is the opposite.

Learning to control your polarities is a key part of spiritual development. You are on the right track.

[Johnathanrs]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Thx

1)From my discoveries, love happens when there is absence of craving and aversion; when there is no self. My self is there in every breath.

I think you are correct, but are in the process of learning a even greater truth on what love is - it is unconditional. A force that holds no limitations. Love can happen at any time. It is only your ego that has conditions - a reflection on who you are at the current time. You can transform your ego at any time.

2) since the ego death thing things have gotten worse to a paramount extent. In April and May I was socializing, laughing, dancing, cooking (albeit still suffering) and after June I stopped doing all of that and just became a joyless zombie and my sense of humour is fully GONE. The only things I enjoy doing are playing volleyball, eating, and looking at old messages cuz I am infatuated with my old self it's disgusting.

You are learning of your shadow.

3) my heart has nothing left in it really. Hugging my mom, cuddling with my cat, does nothing for me.

From a shadow perspective, awesome, great job.

4) I have no more awareness of my body really, it's like full dissociation

Again great job, you're doing great!

5) I have no more ego sense of self ie might as well be high on mushrooms all the time (and even one trip traumatized me badly)

Normal.

6) the grasping for love and equanimity is CONSTANT. Every loving interaction, cuddle, cry, there's the part of me that's grasping hoping it's that Big Bang heart opening that happened before.

It seems your consciousness is trying to grow. Everything that you are stating is shadow tranquility. Imagine this, if you were on a deserted island and were experiencing starvation, would you want to feel that? Being joyless is now considered as a blessing. However, counter intuitive, being in a party where you are trying to feel something, it is the opposite.

Learning to control your polarities is a key part of spiritual development. You are on the right track.

[Sarahpro]

Don’t know if that’s true...don’t know if I’m on the right track. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing but then the fear in my unruly mind just comes back and fragments me more... this process has felt endless and I don’t know when it’s going to end. At first I was really hoping for this magical heart opening moment similar to what I had in 2018, but I was misremembering 2018- it was actually preceded by ten months of GRADUAL healing. But if I cannot gradually heal I don’t know how or when I can have the opening I seek

[Wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Don’t know if that’s true...don’t know if I’m on the right track. Sometimes I feel like I’m healing but then the fear in my unruly mind just comes back and fragments me more... this process has felt endless and I don’t know when it’s going to end. At first I was really hoping for this magical heart opening moment similar to what I had in 2018, but I was misremembering 2018- it was actually preceded by ten months of GRADUAL healing. But if I cannot gradually heal I don’t know how or when I can have the opening I seek

I remember feeling like I was in the edge if a cliff and now that I think about it, it lasted a few years, there were some key moments that I felt openings... but most of it was gradual.

What do you mean by fragmented? It might help if you have a clear understanding of what fragmented means in terms of the different systems. If you want integration of the Mind try working with archetypes and do Parts work. If you want integration of the body, calm the nervous system down and take care of your body physically. And if you want integration of emotions, do some soul retrieval and cord-cutting. I'd personally recommend to do all of those things in a balanced way, but perhaps you have a specific area that is causing most of your problems. You have to take control with your own guidance, no one is going to be able to tell you what is right for you. You do know. If you want to find an answer sit down clear your head, calm your body, and ask yourself the questions and trust the answers. You will be sorely disappointed thinking anyone else will solve this for you, there will be teachers in your life but it's you who is guiding your own life. It's still great to reach out for help and ask questions, but you have to take the responsibility of implementing the tools.