What chance do I have?

[Sarahpro]

Hi there, sorry for all the posts and for being so whiny, I am apparently just desperate for consolation. Most ppl think what is happening to me is a classic dark night Of the soul. I think it is a painful result of not surrendering to fear that came up, and of some really stupid mistakes (suicide attempts+accidental dismantling of psychic structure via meditation). I was dancing, singing, laughing all the time, until before I know it I became empty inside. But yeah basically I cannot see the other side and although I felt as though an angel was with me the other day insisting it is possible, the odds are not in my favour and here's why.
1) first and foremost, my breath is not automatic anymore as some people may have read. I think it's a result of this ego death thing I caused- surfacing all the unconscious parts of my mind incl the action of breathing. Why do I think it's a problem? From my discoveries, love happens when there is absence of craving and aversion; when there is no self. My self is there in every breath.
2) since the ego death thing things have gotten worse to a paramount extent. In April and May I was socializing, laughing, dancing, cooking (albeit still suffering) and after June I stopped doing all of that and just became a joyless zombie and my sense of humour is fully GONE. The only things I enjoy doing are playing volleyball, eating, and looking at old messages cuz I am infatuated with my old self it's disgusting.
3) my heart has nothing left in it really. Hugging my mom, cuddling with my cat, does nothing for me.
4) I have no more awareness of my body really, it's like full dissociation
5) I have no more ego sense of self ie might as well be high on mushrooms all the time (and even one trip traumatized me badly)
6) the grasping for love and equanimity is CONSTANT. Every loving interaction, cuddle, cry, there's the part of me that's grasping hoping it's that Big Bang heart opening that happened before.

I mean I want to listen to that angel you know but the way things have progressed points toward failure only. How could I ever progress back to equanimity? I have gone thru this dark night before, certain I'd be separate from love and equanimity forever , but things were different back then. Only one trauma instead of daily, heart still had some goodness within, and I was NOT grasping for love. Maybe once every couple weeks I'd worry about love and equanimity instead of literally around the clock. My heart then opened while kissing someone (I posted about it here a few years ago, what a time) and now my brain wants to recreate that moment cuz it thinks it will happen again. But seriously what chance do I have?! Some really kind people have posted things saying they've gone thru similar things and come out of it but most of my mind is in doubt right now, and thinks I am the only person in the world who this is happening to so severely. And -it isn't the presence of emotional pain, it's the absence of ANY feelings at all that is distressing .
thanks.. again....

[Sarahpro]

Still looking for answers but maybe if nobody responded it means I don’t have a really good chance haha.
My therapist keeps insisting I can WORK my way back to what I had but how are we supposed to work our way to divine love? I have a feeling she is just projecting her contempt for how she thinks I am some spoiled millennial. Doesn’t love just happen on its own? She’s been telling me for months now that I need some structure in my life. I kind of know that even with structure my mind would still be a mess and I would not come into love that way.
And basically would just like to know if it is possible if a) my ego is sooooooo strong at the moment and b) I am breathing manually thus involving ego moment to moment...

[lomax]

Dear sarah.
I'm on the same page as well.And i think the word 'zombie' fits the description.
As i see it,it's the result of energy drain.
Also i don't think you're breathing manually.Otherwise you would have died in your sleep by now.
As about angels,i don't think you now enough about beings to work safely with them.What you've describe as angel,could easily be something else.

If i remember correctly,i posted you some rememdies that can help.(even a little).Have you tried any of them?.

[lomax]

Of course there's no need to talk about those number patterns.90% of those who're seeing them,will face all sort of ugly things.(I remember you said you're seeing them as well).

Welcome to the club sweetie.

[Sarahpro]

I forget what remedies you wrote about but I probably haven’t tried any...
In general nothings been helping...yoga, I CANT meditate, heart meditations, activities, nothing really does it..

[Sarahpro]

I’m pretty sure there is nothing I can do. There was, in April. If I’d listened to the help I was getting and just slowed down and took meds and stopped trying to fix myself, I’d be better. But I didn’t, so the trauma had reoccured again and again for months. Eroding my mind heart and spirit. I am still looking for a quick fix because gradual healing has been unable to happen.

[JustBe]

Change comes in its own time and process.

If you feel as you do, it’s ok but I’d stop associating what your going thru now in the way you have been doing. The mind wants to know why, how too, when, what ifs, if you let that story go and just start listening to your inner world as it is, without your mind reinforcing this process.

Meaning this..

Be present with yourself as you feel, as your body is in itself thru each moment.

Listen to your body. Not your mind.

Let your body speak to you. To do this you have to be still and present with yourself.

Find a tree, some natural ground and just close your eyes and ask your body.

What do I need?

Listen for the answer..in your whole body it will arise. You’ll feel the difference from how that voice comes through all of you.

If you start thinking things from the minds ideas and the minds story it will get skewed.

This is how you rise..

And it’s a step by step process that cannot be rushed..

All the dark night of the soul does is die off the old self and systems you’ve been used too.

You have to listen differently, rise differently, get your highs differently..

You’ve only got yourself to do this so you best get to know this new you..

You’ll have days where you’ll revert, won’t do, tell yourself can’t do it, but if you don’t do it, you’ll spiral in this cycle of change ongoing till you do..

[Unseeking Seeker]

***

Plunged into depths of despair
the limited identity in surrender
shifts into fervent silent prayer
imbibing bliss current in wonder

When all seems dark in the void
with thought offering no solace
love throb alone has us overjoyed
filling our form by divine grace

All we do is accept what is as is
in childlike trust & hope simplistic
our emptiness drawing in the fizz
discarding egoic thought rhetoric

***

[lomax]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

I’m pretty sure there is nothing I can do. There was, in April. If I’d listened to the help I was getting and just slowed down and took meds and stopped trying to fix myself, I’d be better. But I didn’t, so the trauma had reoccured again and again for months. Eroding my mind heart and spirit. I am still looking for a quick fix because gradual healing has been unable to happen.

I know very well how it feels.

[lomax]

How about your diet?From my observations it plays a large role.Most of those who're into this,have problems with their digestive system.