I don't know what to think about this

[PMPM71]

I don’t know where to open this thread…I assume here because its about 2 women, 1 I know other I don’t. I still don’t know what this is but I'm sure its something. I'm sorry if its not for this sub-forum but i don't know where else to put it.

Almost exactly 8y ago in early Autumn 2012 i fell in love in this woman the moment i met her, we meet over mutual interests and its so uncharacteristic to my personality, I don’t fall so easy. Two weeks before a friend of mine that was doing birth chart readings said i will soon meet a girl and lose my head over her. Never before have I experienced something like that- in one sec. my head space completely flipped i was thinking that's it, she's the one etc. Only she was already married and soon i discovered it was an unhappy toxic marriage, she was emotionally damaged by her abusive husband...but that wasn't the whole story. She was clearly on a turning point, to go or not, but struggled with codependency issues. I never told her my true feelings because as i saw it unless she end the marriage “best“ thing that could happen is some third-party situation and that just wasn't for me. But because of my head space at the time i couldn't let go and was orbiting a bit trying to be a ''friend'' and was hoping to get through to her by logic (i know..) Of course it didn't go anywhere, i think she was starting to think that i just want to have sex with her, so i cut all ties.

After some time and finding out about her husband (who was hiding or she was hiding him from public) i kind of started to wake up to a fact that other side of her story is..basically that she is a gold digger. She married this rich older dude clearly thinking she could wrap him up around her finger but got more than she expected...karma? My head realized this but it took time for other parts so i was still obsessive in following her social media. Then she disappeared for like 6 months and when she returned had an expected solution for her struggles-she had a kid.

So there I was with my best friend who knew all this, processing the situation and I clearly remember this almost an epiphany moment...like something in the air and both of us come even without speaking to same ''Yep'' conclusion that could be summarized in- you didn't really addressed the issue, you were just hopping it will self-resolve in your favor. It will return.
Labeling her gold digger really isn't sour grape on my part, i never had negative feelings toward her and still don't, did not want to fall for her, don't know why it happened and now after all this time its been years since i had any contact with her and my feelings are all long gone, i whish her all the best, last time i saw something she seemed at least happy with her child. I have no right to judge nor would if i could, its her life, her choice. In my mind all this is ancient history, peace.

But looking back at it this whole situation had a deep impact on me. I became cynical towards women, I was also kind of embarrassed that I turned into such a fool, being so upset more then about some real breakup, I was acting in my head like 15 and besides error in judgment considering her I was shocked how optimistically deluded I was at the time, like I was 1000% certain it will go well, it has to, she has to see it..etc. I was also retroactively ashamed of putting so much of myself, all of my emotional energy and intellect and attention into something and someone who, now when I see her clearly was not worth it. I saw what I wanted to see not what she was. So I did the right thing by not pushing the envelope, I still think nothing good would come of it if I did.

Flash forward almost 8y April 20 2020, 3 days after my birthday. Don’t know does that date has some numerological significance, three times 20… I got an e-mail from certain image sharing site I was subscribed to…one of endless I deleted before because too lazy to unsubscribe. Left side of it is picture of someone I really admire in her profession, she is looking left to right and has certain expression on her face. Right side of same e-mail is same size picture of some girl who looks nothing alike the woman on the other picture but has same expression, looking right to left. They are literally having a stare contest from their pictures, it was randomly generated like that. I found that amusing and clicked to see who she is, check her out and actually liked her work. If it wasn’t set up in that e-mail as it was I would just hit delete and all this would never happened…such a small thing can push you where you would never expected..

At first glance there was that feeling of familiarity I still do have..like…ah its that girl!..you know that girl…its at the top of your mind but I know I don’t know her and will never remember what that so close feeling atop of my mind is. But I ignore it, did not care. Besides her work I also start to get recommendations for her interviews and at first did not care to listen but then I did…one and two..and when she talked about her last work and what its about…and then when I looked at her up more closely and how she looks like…I was like…oh no no no no nooo.

Basically the one from 8y and this girl are like 75% the same. Not so much physically (but even there very similar looking without makeup) but their life stories, interests, vibe even profession to some insane specific things. Both are public persons to some extent but not huge, same group of zodiac signs, similar lets say “religious” beliefs, both have deep dark side berried within, both kind of nuts. Similar life stories at least when it comes to relationships, series of bad breakups then hit a wall with a toxic dude, one married hers, other didn’t. And I know all this because other never shuts up talking about herself lol There are also differences, this other one doesn't seem to be a gold digger and seems a lot crazier. I don’t know her so I couldn’t know…she seems a better person but with a lot of issues she tries to address. But what would I know.

When I realized this my first idea was, I don’t want to know, whatever it is ill berry it and let it go…probably what I should have done and would do it if not for what came after, and to me this is where the really weird things start to happen.

So, I'm determent to put this out of my mind and am like..ok so I know why she is familiar…kind of…but why is some of her pictures familiar not her as a person but I saw them, I know I saw them before…somewhere.

And then it hit me, its like light balls started to turn on in my brain. This other girl was all over me on the net through other people with here pics. everywhere going back as far as I know 6 y back. And you may say she's kind of public person so that’s it, ok but why did I remember her now when I know who she is? Like I remember some random post from some random dude 5+y ago on some local PC build forum and when asked who the girl is he answered “some girl pic I found on the net and liked so put it as a signature”. I don’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday and I start to remember this…I would not even realized it’s the same person if I did not know who she is now. For one of these memories that start emerging I do remember why it could stayed in subconscious and get triggered when I found out who she is. I remember exact thought I had for that one…huh, whoever this is she has a same pose and vibe in that pic as me in my profile pic. in Facebook (at the time) kind of bend over head looking down, exhausted, it turned out like that for me randomly while trying to make a selfie while shaving. But for others…I don’t know why. I have no feelings tied to memories other than I'm certain I'm not making it up, for some reason I started remembering where and when I saw them.

So this is it. Its maybe a completely stupid story but I am certain it means something, is it just psychological or not I don’t know. Is it just me? I don't know. Same as should I do something or not. I did nothing 8y ago and as I see it situation did return in a different form. Or am I completely misinterpreting the situation. I just want to do the right thing so a third one doesn't appear in 8y. Whatever it is i want some real closure, i thought i had it years ago but apparently not.

Hi,

When is a story or experience stupid? Several things do trigger you. I love it when things like this happen, though other could find it stupid or strange. It´s like a huge puzzle suddenly is lying in front of you. But it´s your puzzle and there not really someone to help you with it. You can only trust your own gut feelings.

I have/had a pretty stupid story/experience as well. I cannot help you with yours because its yours, but I feel I have to write it here, because something triggered me in your post. The 20, 20, 20…that´s my birthday.

Years and years ago I was on a datingsite and found the picture/profile of a guy. From what I read he was not my type and even something in the picture was off, but there was something familiair about it…his eyes? We chatted for while and till he told me he had fallen in love with someone. Oke, that was fine, I congratulated him. Months later I was still on the datingsite and then one day I got a message there from that guy saying: ´Here I am.` It was against the way I normally would do or think, but I started seeing him. After only a few weeks the relationship was already over and done…I ended it, because it had me completely worn out. I ended it on his birthday, not nice, I know. Not very uch later someone told me she knows a guy she thinks I would like (and he me). Around that I started having dreams…a dream where I had small car crash and in the other car were ´twins´. I started having so many dreams about a guy who in the dream was very familiair to me. That guy in real life had been very busy but we did date a few times, but only after about 6 months. His story and his look at life matched mine very much and he again had sort of familiarity in his face/eyes. He had the same birthday as the other guy. That was what triggered me…plus the dreams. The dating sadly ended after only 3 times, but I was devastated and could only cry. I felt so stupid about it. It wasn´t that we had been married for years or so...Years and years past….i even had had a dream were he returned his caravan to his parents who (in the dream) lived in a neighbourhood close to mine. About two years ago from now, I sat in a bus that drove through that neighbourhood and while looking outside I suddenly looked right into his face. I was kind of shocked. So my dream had been a little prophetic. It triggered so many things again. Is he the one? What should I do? I saw him more then once, but learned that everytime I saw him I totally forgot about myself and knew there was a lesson for me. I also found out he was married and had kids. I was oke with that and from my heart I wished him all the luck of the world.

But, why did I meet 2 guys with both the same birthday? Theirs was a few days before mine and was happened to be born a few days to late so that could have been my birthday.

Hmm, can´t make it a short story…

The last couple of years I started having problems with my health. I seek for things that could help me more in the alternative things. I read a lot to learn and visited a few therapists. While searching on the internet I suddenly started to stumble upon a certain something several times, which made me curious. It was about vanishing twin syndrome. But I still did nothing with this. Then one day I had a conversation with a therapist. She asked me several questions and if I knew what could be the trigger to a certain problem. Then the ´vanishing twin syndrome´ came into my mind and I told her about it…with the same words: ´You might find this very stupid…´ But I said it and while telling her I started to cry, like I never cried before. And her reaction was that my body emotions seemed to have the answer. For about a week I felt so strange…the one time I cried my eyes out and the other I could scream it out loud because I was soooo happy….and this was from a gut feeling, not an intellectual one. Because when I would think it over I could nothing with it….finding it strange. I took part in a family constellation where someone stood for my ´vanished twin´. I had to grab him by the shoulders and give him (for me I am sort of sure about it I had a brother) a place in the space there. Just right after I touched ´his´ shoulders I started shivering, so badly and I started crying…like a shock. A weird experience.
I started reading back all my dreams from more then a decade ago and suddenly a lot of them made sense. But what are dream and what are feelings….i have no prove. I had to learn to trust my gut feeling. And through the years I have experienced so many other strange things, so yeah, for myself I can say…I was supposed to a twin. My so very emotional reaction back then after those few dates…could have been part of reliving a trauma…

Hm, while writing I am thinking my story probably has totally nothing to do with yours, but still feel the need the write it down here…
It might me more about the thing that one could get drawn into persons, situations, coincidences…but what are they really telling you? Are you thinking or looking in the right direction? Time will tell. From that first guy from the dating site till finding out about the vanished twin took 14 years…Sometimes it maybe might be better to write coincidences and such down and try not to (over)think them to much….but I know…that´s just too hard to ask from oneself…

Well, I hope you find your answers one day! Good luck!

[PMPM71]

Thanks for answering, and its strange you used the word trigger, because yes this "other one" did trigger a lot in me. At first i was curious but the more i found out it was really upsetting...things like..she struggles/struggled with same type of addiction my father died of 5y ago. That also cant be a coincidence, cant it? I have given this so much thought since it started, covered all i could think of, and i found out some things about myself that were so clear and simple but for some reason i couldn't see it before. Maybe all this is just that.