Tulpa?

Originally Posted by asearcher

(but I thought me being over him and time would fix this and me not then later remembering I thought was a Godsend gift when it was really about some serious suppressed memories).

Out of curiosity, what kind of therapy are you getting?

It's not so much the memories of the actual events that does the damage, it's our emotional responses that stay with us and we create those ourselves. If there is a consolation prize in all this, it's that it's an insight into how our realities are created.

The mind is very capable of creating what appears to be physical phenomena, like when you're watching a scary movie and your flesh starts creeping or you have butterflies in your tummy. But it's actually capable of creating far more 'solid' phenomena like shields and extra skin, which are defence mechanisms. Sometimes schizophrenics have complete personalities that come to the fore and their 'imaginary friends' can be as solid as actual people.

Good luck with the therapy but be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time, it's an investment. I had therapy a few years back and it was one of the most Spiritual experiences I ever had, because it 'dismantled' the mental frameworks and gave me a clean slate. It's much more interesting when you have a more control over unconscious 'subsystems' that you didn't even know existed. While I wouldn't wish that kind if experience on anyone perhaps if there is a silver lining it's that you get a new head on your shoulders.

Maybe when the dust settles it would be interesting to start a thread on how your experiences affected your Spirituality.

Thank you so much for your kind heart, Greenslade. What is appropriate is cognitive-behavioral therapy based on posttraumatic stress disorder, my stupid phobia that I yet not have conquered.

I'm sorry you had to go through that and I know that one will be emotionally triggered in all sorts of ways, is exhausting, but that one come out of it as a stronger person. Added: I think it's so wonderful you afterwards had these spiritual experiences. I can imagine one lifts to a higher ground once old traumatic stuff is sorted out. I think as for me I have a problem to distinct my own fear than what is actually shown to me sometimes and I think I have to be able to put myself aside in order to do any progress, spiritually speaking as well.

When I had these experiences I was not considered to be someone who suffered from hallucinations, just wish to add that.

Way back when all of this actually came down (the break up that is) it was at some point as I was thinking he was done with me, and I think I at that point exhaled, and then turns out, no, he was not and he was starting to try to pull me back in by using intimidation and working through other people (manipulation). I had before in the relationship not had what I was then to have for the first time ever in my life which was panic attacks, as now I was refusing to play the relationship (that no longer existed in my opinion) by his rules, and me feeling that fear as I was now being "disobedient" by his book. I was not like that at first of course when entering the relationship. This is something that had happened over time.

I did then get help, a very good psychiatrist. But by the time I got there he was the last thing I wanted or even thought I should talk about. I was very much afraid to talk about him or us. I came in there thinking what was wrong with me, how do I fix me. He had quilt tripped me, I don't have any other answer for it.

A mistake I think was made was that they tried to make it easier for me in a way so they then try to follow me with the therapy sessions more locally but unfortunately that did not work for me as I first of all felt the new counselor I think it was, I do not believe that was a psychiatrist like the one prior, was going too fast too soon and asking me questions about our intimate life together. That felt very strange to me. It did not seem to matter what I did, they always tried through their questioning etc bring me back to face him, this relationship, and I was still afraid, and later could not understand the point as I was so over him, to talk about him. I thought he would chill down in time. I canceled all further appointments they had lined up. I was not ready to talk about our intimate life. I was being at the same time surrounded I felt by him and had to make changes in my life. I had no panic attacks no more.

Thank you very much too - to Iamthat, Traveler and Lostsoul13 of your reflections and stories and the links, and your kind hearts as well :)

I have done so far twice soul cutting tie with this ex in the past. I have not done it daily as of yet. I will sure look into that book, and the salt I use from before :)

There is another thing that is concerning me. This is going to sound strange (as if nothing else I have written before didn't, hi hi) but apparently for years I have felt something I can't describe in words. It is when there is about to be a change in my life. This change can be opposed to me by myself, by just a thought or someone else. However it should not be an idea I or others should be making up, supporting. And there has been something in it, each time that has made me sort of think, that is not coming from me. Or that is not coming from them. And something that just tells me "him" (the ex). And I know, I KNOW how crazy that sounds. It's just this input and then there is another input - and in that input I feel, it's him. This has something to do with him. And I don't go there. I don't check. I just do not act on it. And people have even been sort of ****ed off with me because of that, of me not doing that change in my life, of me not going along with it. Especially one stood out as a really good deal (about money). But I just feel it. I feel him. And I feel no, I'm just not gonna do that. All of this happens in seconds. In seconds I know. And I can't explain that. And yet the others or even me can still get that input, that idea, in my head for weeks, months even, but I still know. And I don't change my mind.

He had a kind of heavy energy to him and something else (like another ingredience, God now he is starting to sound like a dish, LOL) and I know these 2 combined, and that's him and so when there is first this input and way, way back is that glimpse of the heavy energy plus the other ingredience, that is when I am on the alert.

I do not know if this is a trace from when I felt "the pull", the draining from him during the break up and I still would not act on it.

I remember he had such a surprise facial expression one time as if he could not believe I was doing it, I was not answering to his command, I was still going about my business, think that was the last time I saw him, that surprise. As if why is this (all the stuff he was doing)not working?

I have only a year or less so figured out I have to check to just see where he is now in life. Before that I never ever did. My hands would start to tremble by the idea only. If and when he would find me and send messages to me, even an email (once at a work I read that) everything would go into a blur and I would not be able to tell even what he had written. All I wanted was for him to stop. I thought a person would stop when several years has passed. But he would not. Any trigger and he was on again.

What I would then find out as he has not been hiding like I have, is that he would make or follow those "inputs" I have had to go there, to do this where I suddenly had felt him, somehow (I have no words to describe this) and then not gone there. It is strange to me that he has. On every single one. Question is was he aware of this being an "input" and where then does it come from, the heavens, destiny? Or somewhere else - where he perfectly well knows where if he has done something he should not have been doing (rituals?) to try to make our roads cross again? Or is it simply his time line that I somehow have felt, when there has been a change?

I have had a dream too but it was as if in the dream I was either there just watching or I was one of the people there at this event, and it was quite specific in the dream what sort of even this was. And he was there. Later, I swear, when I checked - it was so. I can't explain that. I could not have known about that event.

If I do these soul cutting ties on a daily basis I wonder if I will then be in the future warned about these inputs and me then choosing not to follow them? If I had been following them - he and I would have met.
At least now I know where I have him, and that in all honestly give me some sort of comfort feeling as now I have at least gotten over that stage of hands trembling etc, but he does not know I know, and simply just chose not to go there.

What I have also found out when checking him out from a distance that is, all his on public display (not hiding), so it is not as if I am snooping, is that he has kept some things, things he made sure to give me when we were a couple, and even after (to my dismay) so I would be able to contact him if I wanted to.

Added following: I know my family was so upset when all this came down, the break up, and telling me if he ever came around or tried anything...let's just say they were upset. I know there were pics of us but I also know that my family destroyed them, I found them ripped apart and I was told about it afterwards, I hadn't ripped them apart. Later on I was asked if i mind that and I said I didn't. I don't know if he ever did try anything to contact me through my family but if he had - I would not have wanted to be him. I have thought about that because nobody told me anything that he had tried those channels, but he did chose other channels. My family said I transformed while into the relationship from this bubbly, fun loving, spontaneous person to this sad, introvert, insecure person. I think when it got so far as it did - that i ended up with panic attacks it was a shock to them as well because they were used to me being someone steady that everyone in the family could lean towards and someone who was practical and would just get up after I had hurt myself as a child and think nothing of it.

I think I have for so long connected him with the panic attacks and was actually enraged that he was able to push me that far and how he had treated me while in the relationship. But also for me allowing him too.

I think from the start he and I were not equals. He showed a strong interest in me for a long time while I could not show the same. He hung in there, It took a lot of convincing. Later on as we were serious, stable and supposedly happy, it was as if he then wanted to quilt trip me about before, jealous for no reason.

Then I left him after something had happened, and he asked for another chance, asked of forgiveness and taking on the blame. I wanted him to tell me his version. I wanted him to right there and then tell me, or shout at me, yell at me, what it now was, get it out of his system. But I remember he just wouldn't discuss it. Then so long after I got to hear about it.

I understand now more than ever that this secure mask of his was just that, just a mask to show the world, to show me. That if you are very insecure in yourself for starters this is a huge trigger if you are involved romantically with someone you have feelings for, strong feelings for. I was also a truth seeker, teller and that must have been uncomfortable to say the least for someone like him. I think there were some stuff about him I saw a particular way that he himself had not discovered nor wanted to analyze and did not like what I saw.

I saw for instance a son who had been in the shadow but taken all the benefits from it as if entitled but could not deliver the same, because he was simply not the same as this parent, and that was OK, I thought he needed to find his path in life. I have never been interested in career climbers that way and if there was any pressure for result it was not coming from me.

He would try to sell and live accordingly that his life was sort of like his successful parent was, but I saw through that as well, because as far as that parent was concerned - that was work related, those sort of social gatherings and so forth, that had to do with connecting with people, you scratch my back, I scratch yours, it was not about just jumping around from one place to another thinking you were special and important because you were jumping around and because so many people knew you. So I thought, personally, that was kinda ridiculous, like a poor imitation. I know I would look at that parent and say way to go, you are so and so, great for you, you have found your path, now I'm gonna find mine. I would not I think have tried to stand with one foot in that parent's world and another foot out. I would still be in the parent's life but I would not try to copy some stuff I think as I would have understood that belonged to that life style alone. Til the very end he would try to let me know he was so busy and there were more important people for him to see etc than me. It was just ridiculous what he was up to. I wanted us finished but it was as if he pretended he could not spare even that moment to have that done. Believe me I had no interest to bother him in his "important" life.

I have learned that those who are like that they can not handle equality which is I believe what marks a healthy and loving relationship. But that is too scary for them. So they wish to be in control, they wish to place themselves superior to you and try to do that by putting you down, threaten you etc so you won't "stick up" (even if you do not "stick up", you are only having in your mind an equal partnership, the way it is suppose to be) so then they feel safe. They feel safe once they think they are in control, they have the power. They also want emotional reactions and seeing my face, highly sensitive, go figure that is what they thought they will get. Only I learned to not loose it, either way, but to stay calm or portray as if I was calm, and I am guessing that must be frustrading, but there are simply some calls I will not answer to, I won't pick up.

[Traveler]

Your ex has the opportunity to create attachments to you everyday and they grow stronger the longer he feeds them thoughts and emotions. Thoughts are powerful especially when backed with emotions. Cutting cords and attachments from him should be a daily practice.

" Love and light beings please cut the cords of illusion, cut the cords of attachment, cut any cords not of the highest good, across the lifetimes, time and space, between me and X and our higher selves. CHANT: heal and transmute any energy to love and light. " (repeat chant until the cord is cut, your voice will waver when the cord is cut)

For more info on cord cutting:
https://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/s...ead.php?t=7568

Originally Posted by asearcher

What is appropriate is cognitive-behavioral therapy based on posttraumatic stress disorder, my stupid phobia that I yet not have conquered.

It was cognitive behaviour therapy I had, three rounds of it and should have had a fourth. I'm also ploughing through an online course on becoming a practitioner.

If your therapy is going the way it's supposed to there are a couple of things you really need to understand.

You need to drop all expectations completely, every expectation you have will be a barrier and detrimental to your progress. Like thinking about what is wrong with you and how you fix yourself. You're contradicting yourself because you seem to think you are so over him yet you're not ready to talk about your intimate Life. From what you're writing you're a long way off being anything close to being over him.

I would also say that Spirituality is not the answer. Very often what you will read in these forums regarding what's going on is destructive cognitive behaviour because this is really all about your unconscious and how it processes your reality. Looking for Spiritual answers to deep psychological aberrations doesn't work.

The other ting is that your intimate life is the 'foundations' of your relationship and as long as you don't talk about them you'll never really be free. They are your deepest feelings and as long as they remain, he will always be with you and having an affect on you. Even though you might think you're over him. Sorry but you're not over him and your post is testimony to that.

The CBT was one of the most emotionally harrowing experiences of my life because it went back to the horrors of what I felt as a child. Not only did I relive them all I was also changing my perceptions of them. It was also the most liberating experience I have had Spirituality. Do yourself a favour and get back to your therapy sessions and be brave enough to tackle the intimacy, because of you don't you'll never be as free as you think you are.

So yes, I suspect you are going to go through changes and there will be more top come, you don't go through things like this and not change. The only question is what you move forwards with, and that might not be as beneficial to you.

[hazada guess]

I'm in agreement with Greenslade I'm afraid. All your post's have been about your ex which proves to me a lot of things but mainly the fact that you need lot of councelling ATM.

Traveler, thanks again, :) I will try to do that on a daily basis.
What I have found out about too through dreams is that when he would appear he would to me look different than when we were to the point that I thought maybe that is what he could have looked like in a past life or just pure imagination. When I did then look him up: He looked like that. He had changed his physical appearance. I have stayed away even searching on him for years, and it was not until I feel I opened "Pandora's box" trying to get my aura fixed from what I thought was creating low level activity, that I waited til the longest til I searched for him. I would get physical symptoms right away, hands trembling, me feeling sick to my stomach and looked as little as I possibly could but it was enough for me to be surprised that he looked the way he had looked in my dreams.
I have also began to think if he indeed somehow has found out that I know this one person we have in common, and therefor made sure to make a connection with this person(?) For him to first of all know this person would not have been a convenience in his life.

(edited, deleted the rest)

Yes, thank you for sharing Greenslade, I will try to follow through this time. Great this all will lead you to one day becoming a practitioner. Shows how you can turn anything bad into something good for the future :)

When this all was, me not feeling comfortable talking about him and our once existing intimate life, I think it was down to 2 things:
-I was not raised to talk to anyone about it. Certainly no woman I hardly knew. Our chemistry not hitting it off like it did with the psychiatrist before, neither of us could help that of course. I was someone shy, would be disloyal in a way if I did. And I did not want to put words to the magic.
-There had been an incident of trauma regarding the intimate part.

We too had made up a realistic plan to when to marry and later try to start our family. I was to learn he moved by a different pace than I did in the relationship and was used to being the leader of it and he wanted us serious and I was integrated with very large parts of his life, family, friends and so on. I came to suspect he wanted me pregnant before we had decided on it and would ask him about it, what was going on. To him it would not have mattered but to me it would have mattered. He would even at the end of things still express he wanted if I was pregnant to be part of that no matter what. It was never him saying or us thinking of the option of abortion, it was with the message that if then of course we would keep it.

I think it is a possibility he did this, the trauma-bonding incident, in a desperate attempt to make me pregnant. Possibly because he wanted me connected to him always. Could be too because of the pace of things that his life was in actual danger and if he was gone than at least his child would live on, but that could also be me reading too much in it.

The therapy went as far as them and me thinking I was "over him" as you say. There is a difference between being in love with someone and being traumatized by someone who is on a psychopathic spectrum, abuse, trauma. I agree with you that me not talking about the intimate part stood in the way of my healing, absolutely.

When I fell deeply in love in the future he would notice something was up and asked me if anything had ever happened to me and that I needn't be afraid. He would tell me he was the wrong person to talk about (because of his jealousy) but that he too thought I should talk to someone (in the professional field) about this. Me not being allowed to talk to him about it I think too put this wall between us. We worked through it. As far as the intimate life part went he has always been sensitive, his eyes and ears, I think to make me feel safe and read off right.

Before that there was this critical time where victims of abusers often return. I could separate fear from love, low self esteem from freedom, and the hardest work I had to do was to try to act against him even if I was afraid. Even if the fear was 80% I had to still act on the 20% because honestly it felt as if my life dependent on it. I knew my life was over, my dreams were over, everything over had I returned to him when he wanted. I was no longer in love with him. I was able to fall in love in my future.

The psychiatrist believed he to have been a psychopath. What went on in the relationship was indeed emotional abuse. I think he was partly unsure where he had me and that I would be strong enough to walk out so he needed to push me down, only he pushed me down too much, lost control of it and then it got to be an embarrassed to him, as he was afraid of his image and a great projector so somehow everything was always my fault anyhow. I was the type back then who's first instinct would be to feel emphatic to someone I hurt and to apologize as soon as I could and me going "What did I do now?". It must have been easy to pull the quilt-trip-card.

I think I had a lot of unanswered questions as well to his behavior that I knew he would never answer so it would have been no point in asking. He got part of something. The behavior could have been down to his changed feelings for me, which he had every right to have BTW. But I am thinking it could have (too?) been an effect on him to keep me safe, but not knowing how else to do that then except to do what he sometimes had to do. He would tell me he was not up, not mixed in, with something dangerous but I am not so sure that was true. I have no way of knowing if he truly was part of something or not as well and not some fabrication, a tactic, smoke. Either way he never told me anything and I did not ask. I did not know anything. He was always in control I think of what came out of his mouth, not the type to get drunk and spill the beans.

Originally Posted by asearcher

Yes, thank you for sharing Greenslade, I will try to follow through this time. Great this all will lead you to one day becoming a practitioner. Shows how you can turn anything bad into something good for the future :)

That's the whole point of the exercise and from the perspective of Spirituality, what you'll be doing if you follow the therapy through is you'll be getting down and dirty with the processes that create your entire reality. Not to mention a whole new lease of life but an internal 'reincarnation' of sorts. It's not going to be easy but, when you do come out the other side, every part of it will have been worth it.

The intimate part of this is where the deepest trauma lies, and if you want a little more insight then you could Google Shadow Self. It's actually a part of Jungian psychology but Teal Swan explains it from a Spiritual perspective. Basically it's what would be known as 'baggage' and frankly it's not easy to shift, in your case it's been accumulating since you've been in that relationship. Basically it's where the issues you can't or won't deal with at the time. As far as your head is concerned, those issues take on a reality of their own and become monsters - which is what many people call 'Tuplas'. They are real things to you.

From what you're saying, it doesn't surprise me that the shrink thought he was a psychopath, because that would explain his behaviour. Perhaps from his perspective integrating you into his Life was part of the control mechanism, in that if you were so tightly integrated you'd be more reluctant to leave him. Similarly with a pregnancy. It's all about control and creating the mechanisms with which to control you. Psychopaths are very clever people sometimes.

I think deep down he did have his own concerns for you in his own way, and much of his behaviour was a cry for help in so many ways. It's a but like the old saying, that sometimes we don't know how to love others. We can't love ourselves because of how we perceive ourselves and this is reflected outwards as though we're trying to express to the other person that we feel these things. It gets very messy and complicated.

I don't think you're ever going to get answers to his behaviour, usually these things are extremely difficult to unravel and that takes a trained professional. Often though there are two sides to the personality. The only thing you're going to be left with is questions that you're never going to get to the bottom of.

Frankly I'd concentrate on getting yourself straight and stop milling what happened around in you mind, all that's doing is holding you back. It might also be worth keeping a journal of your feelings as you go but always stay very much in the present. Concentrate only with what you feel in the moment where you pick up that pen to write.

I'm also not too sure if Spirituality is going to help you because going back to your OP, it seems as though you're looking for Spiritual answers to what is a psychology issue. I can understand how you could make the connection but, with respect, what you're not understanding is how the mind can create what people can believe are Tulpas. Understanding what's going on in your head is understanding how Duality - and your reality in general - is created. What you're actually experiencing right now is not what happened but the memories of your perceptions of what happened, and specifically your emotional responses to your perceptions.

Make the intention to only move forward and accept only what will constructively help you do that. Reject all else for the time being anyway. Spirituality has no answers for you and if anything it's a distraction. If it gives you a safe haven for a while then that's understandable but keep it in context.

And if nothing else, learn to Love yourself anyway and in all ways because at this point that's the most Spiritual thing you can do.

Thank you once again Greenslade :) I've edited, deleted a long chapter I wrote here before. Yes I will never know really if what he joined (if he now truly did joint "Something") had a negative effect on him but I have my suspicion (even as he tried to come off as if he was on top of everything).

I watched a documentary not so long ago where members part of "something" would take their own lives after having been "disloyal". The rule, they said, was that either they did it to themselves or something would happen to them. Or they would go after a loved one. Perhaps if this went on he did not want them to think I was important to him? But as always before one question only leads to more and no closure that way.

Someone else in my family has experienced similar that I have: This shield of a skin and as if "someone standing there", invisible. I can't explain that. I have never said anything about my own weird experience before, waking up like that.

I am now trying to protect myself mentally and spiritually.

Here's to a better future, thank you so much :)

PS sorry for all the editing, as you can tell I have a problem. In some ways I can't help but think it was better before when I did not remember to now but I hope I will get finally the hang of this so I can leave it behind.