Life after abuse

[FairyCrystal]

I think much has to do with your own true inner strength as that is what helps you bounce back. Some don't seem to have that so much, others do.
Also having something going for yourself in life, a passion, which will help keep and get you going.
Then there has to be a lot of self-reflection and looking into why this could happen. The deeper things behind it all that made you prey of an abuser. This usually leads back to (early) childhood.
Knowing yourself, what wounds there are that lie behind it, will help greatly to be able to detect another new abusive person. Once you can detect that you will get more faith in yourself to not fall for it again.
Working on the cause, by yourself or with a therapist, may also be needed.
This part is you taking responsibility for it happening to you. People often don't understand it is always a two-way street. It happened for a reason even though you didn't want it and didn't literally ask for it. There is something that made it happen, that made you fall for an abuser.
Taking this responsibility is very important in the healing process as it helps you get out of victimhood.

Then there's digesting what happened. Any fear or anger, feelings of failure and letting yourself down, etc. etc.
When I'd left the narcissist I had been with for 10 yrs I began a blog. I wrote in a way that suited me, which is a way that can help other people. So not a huge emotional mess that's all over the place which no one will read, I needed it to be coherent.
I got quite a lot of response from other victims of narcissists. My writings helped them, their responses helped me as I had thought I was the only one. It did me a lot of good.
After a while I noticed I didn't need the writing anymore. It had served its purpose, and I was healed.

But all in all it's about building yourself up from the inside out, AND building a clear image of Self. For that you need this passion I spoke of, whatever it is that gets you out of bed in the morning that is fulfilling to you and can make you happy.
To me this was anything creative, mostly painting and writing. And spirituality. These things no one can take away from me as they are me.

Over the years I've seen therapists a few times for different things. Once was to get clarity about how a normal healthy relationship should be as I didn't know anymore. She helped me a lot and got me back to painting, which I still love to do today!

Another time was to help me through the breakup, which I'd wanted but was still difficult at first.
And I saw a psychologist during my first relationship after leaving the narcissist as certain old programs that stemmed from that bad relationship surfaced again. I had counted on that to happen, so no big surprise.
Just know when you have to get help in from someone.

Then there's looking at what you gained from it all.
For me that was a lot. An abusive relationship is rarely 100% bad, there are also moments of fun and good. But even in the bad, what did that bring you? It eventually made me stronger. The constant bashing got me so deep I wouldn't have cared if I'd died. But then one day I realised I did NOT want that! I had two children who needed me, I had a life ahead of me, and no one, NO ONE, was worthy of my life. No one deserved that much power over me and my life.
That split second moment was the moment I veered up. Having been so deep taught me that no one and nothing can destroy me. I'm strong, powerful. Nothing can get me down. Not ever again.

I also got an interest in communication as at first I thought that was the issue and cause of it all. I also got interested in feminine energy, as then I thought that could resolve it. At first that was me taking on being at fault, but it turned out that communication & (Divine) feminine energy are part of my Soul purpose!!
So he gave me that, even though he doesn't know and never will :)
Via him I got on stage to present gigs, sing, backing vocals etc. (long story how that came to be) and being in front of people, on stage, is also my Soul purpose!
And there are many more things I got out of it. The gems that I possibly never would've gotten to if it wasn't for that bleeping relationship.

I'm sorry for your pain RedEmbers and wish you all the healing.

I think of this 2 way. One is that yes you can attract people who abuse you if you are on the same or similar frequency. It can also be that you have a light in you, a goodness, something that they want and by being near you they get a little bit of that at least, they too want to be up-up. Then again if they can not have it within themselves they will get envious and wish to break your spirit, have you inferior. There are all sorts of reasons why abusers chose you. I've seen a narc at play and that narc choses everyone, but is harder on the strongest, independent, authentic, those who dare to be vulnerable ones (as that too is an actual strength and also give other people the support and knowing we're all human and it's all OK), because it is a sport to the narc/the abuser then to break it's spirit, get it inferior and then, and this is what is then thought of to be the next step for the abuser to rebuilt it's victim to please the abuser. This is the crucial step.

However, if you have been broken this way you have a choice to rebuilt yourself, take back your power, and to who you want to be now, in the future and little by little create that. Step by step. Please do not compare yourself with others. One really doesn't know. One day can be good, the next the worst; all steps of the grieving, the loss, the transformation. Time is not important even if one does not want to suffer more time than one has to, but all situations are different. One can not really know the depth of a fellow human's suffering compared to one's own even if the situation may at the surface look the same. It can be other components too that help towards the healing, such as having fortune in other chapter of one's life then and there, that someone else may not have at the time. Try to be kind to yourself. No one can judge you so please do not judge yourself. And if someone is still acting, think it is righteous, condescending in judging you it is more a reflection on themselves, not you and their limit of understanding and showing humbleness, when their knowledge has reach it's end, and we can all learn more I think on this earth and our spiritual travel, and we all make mistakes. The trouble when we make mistakes is that we don't know when we're making them, but if we get wise enough in time we realize we have.

The way I look at relationships is like this:
1. people being the same
2. 2 pieces of a puzzle, equally fulfilling, but different, but still fitting and making a beautiful picture together
3. 2 pieces of a puzzle, only made out so that 1 of them gets to sit on the other person's shoulder while the other one is suffering and can't see what is wrong from it's own view why the other one is suffering....

As it sounds like an abusive, mentally perhaps even more of a relationship/marriage you have survived, you're a survivor, I could suggest CBT, if I am not out of line that is with you? If it is something that might resonate with you? It has helped many.

I think it is in our human nature to when we see a threat to put more focus on that to survive, to protect other loved ones and everything we hold dear and that we want relationships to work, to make a mends. I have been quilt as charge of having placed much of my energy into trauma-bond relationships and they have been very few compared to all the other people in my life, all the way from childhood til present time that has been stable and positive in my life. It can be that these others get "crowded out" because of one few or a few bad relationships when you have to think do they really deserve to stand in the center, the spotlight, these bad relationships, instead of all the others that are working and everyone else treating you right? Try to put them back in the center again where they deserve to be and the one or the few who don't - out there. Try to too look inside and see your true value because you have it regardless of what goes on "out there" and who's in or out of your life.

Here's for a better tomorrow, please don't despair.

You can do this, RedEmber! Cheering for you :)

[RedEmbers]

That is true. I had forgotten about that as a side effect to JustBe.


I think about my Aunty at times. Her way in the world was quite unique, she remained single after her experience, lived in a humble home with some land, worked part time, went to weekly community groups and focused on her healing. She studied some healing modalities for herself and shared them only if she could and if needed by those in her circle.
She really had no choice but to live in her own way like this.

I draw much strength from women like my Aunty.

[RedEmbers]

[quote=FairyCrystal]


Hi FairyCrystal,

Thanks so much for your reply. Sometimes people ask me why do some people stay with abusive people (they ask me because I left).
I often comment that the road out can often be often harder and more gruelling then staying with a narcissist. I had no idea how creaul a person could be in their process of discarding another human being and if I had known that before I left, I am not sure that I would have had the strength to go. I am glad that I did though.


That passion, to have something to connect to keeps coming up - that connection to self and the passion as a reflection of self.

I like how you mentioned the different things you decided to learn in your own healing journey. I too learned better communication skills and also about divine feminine as a way for me to try and "heal" the relationship.

None of those skills are wasted on me even now as I understand that I was in a relationship with a narcissist and my only real option was to keep depleting my own soul or get out.


Did you have shared custody with your ex if you don't mind me asking?
I cannot do no contact with my ex due to co - parenting. I am reading and learning about how to co - parent with a narcissist. I thought that I'd ask you as you may have some insight.

So much of what you mention in regards to clearing up those traumas and patterns ring true for me. Now that I have space and clarity from toxic people in general and I am out of my marriage, a lot of the feelings are emerging surrounding the energetic imprint of these patterns in me.

You are right when you say it is an "inside out" job.



At the moment, I can see the biggest "benefit" of getting out and healing away from him is that I am slowly getting healthier in all areas of my life.

I am also, no longer worried about being alone if it means that I am not in the energy of the "wrong people".

I am starting to remember how it felt many years before I met my ex, to be in my own energy and feel connected to love from source and for myself.

My anxiety is nothing like it was when I was with my ex, I am more emotionally regulated and responsible and I am starting to feel more calm and build my confidence to state my opinions and perspectives on things and know that they matter.


There are many areas in my practical life which need my attention and through inner healing I am slowly, slowly able to give those outer aspects of my life more attention.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I'm sorry for your pain RedEmbers and wish you all the healing.


You can do this, RedEmber! Cheering for you :)

I like the 2 ways abusive people might connect that you mention - with my ex it was unhealed trauma that connected us. I dated for a short time a year or so later and noticed that the next ex fell into the other category, taking up free rent in my soul because he liked my energy and wanted to avoid his own stuff.

Sometimes, people being in my energy has felt like love because they try to find things to give me so they can just exist in my field. I don't need theses things from them anymore, I can source them from within and then I am a match for healthy support.


I was reminded again, like you said to start putting kind and healthy people back into my centre - I had four toxic people in my field and I have cleared them out and I am now clearing out their energy, I am more choosy now who I allow to be in my life, slowly starting to get a sense of how it feels to be in the company and energy of healthy people.


It does help for me to be mindful of the bigger picture in my own life, to cease the judgments I have, not only that but to trust the bigger picture in general and others within it.

I don't trust my ex, however I trust myself to have the strength to do what I need to do, I trust my inner values.


Yes, I have trained myself in CBT in the past May need to do a refresher course though!
At the moment, I am using Quantum healing and talking to counsellors who specialise in Domestic Abuse and Co - dependency related traumas.

Before now I studied attachment theory, mindfulness meditation, Schema Therapy, Gesalt therapy and connecting to "SuperConcious" meditations to connect me to my own source field.


It is wonderful to have so many tools handy and to be reminded of them too!

This is probably the best time in history to break these cycles and patterns!


Thank you so much for the cheers!
They really do bring me strength and encouragement

[FairyCrystal]

He isn't the father of my children, thank goodness. Nevertheless my children lived with us at the time and they suffered a lot.
Thing is that a narcissist divides a family into 2 camps: those with him and those against him. There's a reason for this, but I can't recall what.
My daughter and his own son were in the 'with him' camp, me and my son were in the 'against him' one.
That meant the bond between my daughter and I got severely damaged as he used his narcissistic tricks and manipulation on her as well and got in between us. I lost all normal parental control, and she became totally anti-me. I couldn't get through to her at all anymore.
It took years to repair that relationship after the breakup. She'd moved out to live with her dad some 2 years prior, and unfortunately her dad was anti me too because he never got over me wanting to divorce him. So in that sense that didn't help.
But in the end we got there when she got older and wiser. Now she's 29 and we are very close, but I can still occasionally pick up this tendency to be anti-me. It's as if that got quite deeply imbedded in her system.

Reason I'm telling is that it will likely be very important that you hold stable ground for your kids. Be the emotionally normal one, the loving one to whom they can talk if need be. Keep those channels very open and try to keep personal judgement out of them. Make sure he cannot sink his claws so deep into them that they become anti-you. It's very difficult to get through to your kid(s) once that has happened.

I also found out his weak spots btw, the buttons I could push to make him act a certain way. If you know those too, use them if need be. And you likely know them as you survived your marriage.
It may sound manipulative, but when with a man like that I had no choice than to occasionally push his buttons and play him. And with certain things I could overwhelm him too, get him off-kilter or at least make him stop his insane behaviour.
Whatever it is, flattery maybe, do it for your kids while maintaining your own emotional & mental distance. Meaning you put up a huge wall when you have to see him, rock-solid. From that place you can still flatter if that's a thing he's sensitive to. Not for yourself, but to make sure your kids are okay when there.

As for the rest... there are books on the subject. Maybe look for one so you have some expert advice or find a therapist who's experienced in this area. That way you have someone who can support you with the children so they don't suffer from having him as a father.

For yourself I think it comes down to having a huge wall up when having to see him and if possible solidly grounded and in inner strength. You know, a sense of 'adamant'. For me that came from deep inside, that same thing and place where the "No one is worth my life, having power over my life" came from. Tap into that kind of feeling.
You can still be very friendly and cordial from that place. Might throw them out of whack even if you can do this.
Basically it's acting. Not giving a shizzel but doing it to keep things okay, for the kids and yourself in those hopefully brief moments. So on the inside you're you, not emotionally connected to what you project on the outside, which is the act. In that sense it's not so different from what a narcissist does, just that you do it from a sane mind, not from a personality disorder.
If that makes sense. Not easy to describe, but it's how I regularly did things. A survival technique.

[RedEmbers]

Makes sense, Fairy Crystal

Some might say it sounds like diplomacy or a common style of giving feedback - praise - improvement - praise.


I compliment people quite often although it is alot easier when complimenting people i like.


It's not disingenuous to compliment someone's posative behaviour, then offer feedback IMO.


I think the difference is that a narc will use these same things against others (flattery and in the extreme.case, love bombing before eventrual put down and discard) where as a healthy person does not use compliments against others.

It's more praise, flattery, put down, discard repeat.