How to cope best?

[astralsuzy]

If my husband did awful things or was hard to live with I could not ignore it. It would be hard to live like that. We would likely not be together if he was like that. When my sister in law is being nasty I can ignore it. I only saw her occasionally. I just thought this morning it is best that my sister in law and brother do not want anything to do with us. I no longer have to put up with her nasty comments.

You were right about my sister in law, everyone else is always wrong. She is 100 percent correct all the time according to her.

[astralsuzy]

I am not advising you to separate but if you are finding it difficult and miserable it might be best. If you do not want to separate living in separate houses because it is too hard I can understand. There are couples that are separated living in the same house. They go their own way. I used to know someone. They were separated living in the same house. Her bedroom was downstairs and his bedroom was upstairs. They did not have a lot of contact with each other.

Hi Astralsuzy!

I've edited my answer, version.
Yes, I think too it is for the best that you do not have contact with the sister-in-law too.
I can understand, though, that you think it is sad and unfair as the other family members are OK or wonderful and that you miss them, they must miss you too, even if they do not dare to express that. She seem to me like a very hateful person, just like the narcissist. I honor your husband in all this!

Please think about that her opinion may not at all be the other's but they are passive as in not protesting or they are but she is not listening.
Just because she has that opinion of you do not mean they do.

I made the mistake of thinking that way and retreit.

Yes, the children's dad has kept in contact with the parents without me. They have also done things without me and the kids and told us so before hand that only he is invited. But that is good advice too, I don't have to be around the narcissist any more than I should be.

I have never stood in the way of the childrens dad coming in contact or spending time with them.
The thing is - to me parents are so important and I never wanted this. I never thought it would happen.
I would talk about them in their abscense in a positive way, as the grandparents. I don't know where it all went wrong. This is not how I expected it to be.

The parents has always made sure to keep to themselves, and so even if I have invited them over and the son will come home maybe an hour later or so - they refuse and blame it on what ever.

I would stand there and show them how I had prepared everything, so they could just sit down and enjoy themselves and the grandchildren til their son came home - but even so - no. They had other things to do.

I don't know why they were this way. I did not know what to say about it so I said nothing. this was years back.
I tried to tell myself the old words of my then-luv (or current luv) and it was his saying that he was not close with them.
I have thought if maybe they had objections to me because of the way he and I became so close so fast, people assumed we had been a couple longer than we had. He had only lived a short while in his new home. I don't know. I just don't know. I can understand they had reservations to me but I was always polite and well brought up and nice to them.

They never wanted a personal relationship with me. And so I too began to treat them the same way. I don't see myself as a bad person but I don't know, they might have seen something in me that I am not aware off. I have had better luck with friend's parents and many other people. It is what it is.

The other parent is in the shadows, the narcissist is so dominant, but I have never had any problem with the other parent. Not that I know of, anyways.
I am used to direct communication and so good news or bad news - I need that, and that is not how it works with the children's dad from where he comes from, and that has made me insecure.

Thank you very much! :)

Hi AstralSuzy (again!:)

I just thought of something.
When I had moved or or was working on moving one after a past romantic relationship had failed
that ex would manipulate people for dumb reasons or to try to get me back when he later felt like it
In my heart I forgave them and wished them well, as they were "sleeping".
I said goodbye to them in my heart.

I promised myself if I was to meet them, by accident, that I would not let myself be reminded of the old bitterness from the ex. But just be a meeting between myself and that person, as if the past had not been (poisoned by the ex).

That I would not talk about the ex. That I would not excuse myself or explain myself.
That I knew the truth (about the ex and what happened there, and so, deep down did he too), and that was enough.
SO I held my head high, I was respective and nice and then we went our different ways.
It worked for me.
You know you have done nothing wrong. If people chose to believe her it is a fault in their own character, not yours.

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, I thought it was a shame not to see my nieces and their husbands. I realise if they wanted to see me they would have said that they want to see us. My husband says they have never been concerned about wanting to see us. It is a good thing that we can move on. I never thought my sister in law was narcissist. I never thought about it but you are probably right. My sister in law according to her is always 100 percent correct and everyone else is wrong. I have learnt not to talk to her about things as she just blames it all on me. If she cannot do that she looks for things that she does not like about me and criticizes me.

I read on line what a narcissist person is. It advises to move away from narcissist people.

I wish you all the best and I hope you will find peace. We have helped each other.

[astralsuzy]

My husband said my sister in law is not narcissist. She is just nasty. Whether she is or not I know I have to keep my distance if I come into contact with her.

[ayar415]

You two must be twin flames. I have absolutely no idea what you two are yakking about.

Hi Astralsuzy!

Thanks, glad I could help out too :)

yes, Nasty or Narcissistic -same bad result, at least in that situation, LOL. Please, think of yourself as lucky to not have her in your lives, there would only be more damage, I'm afraid.

Today it hit me that the way the narcissist in my life - it's partner - the children's dad's other parent - why it has been so in the shadows...

When I was a psychopath's girlfriend - I used to shield people from us, because I knew his true face and I did not want them to get too close, as I understood when people got too close - like I was - he would start to treat them badly (or more badly than before).

It is impossible to even call the children's dad's other parent without the other (the narcissist) either taking the call or listening in. It has the other parent in such a grip.

When I happened to have had a private moment with the other parent when the narcissist is busy doing something else for the spare moment - we get along fine. I like this other parent.

I have viewed it get to be bullied too by the narcissists, bad jokes on it's expense - this is what narcissists often do - to feel superior and to not make the one they really "love" or need - to feel good about itself. If it feels good enough about itself it will then give it power to stand up, and to protest and no longer be in the controller's control. So it always keeps it "right there".

I've been told, and read, that some brains are more sensitive to anxiety than others, and when one has that one needs to feel as if one is in control. Controlling another person is the most difficult thing.

I know the children's dad has said that in those type of situations that I have told him about - where the narcissist has said, done something and I have confronted - that even if I say I felt very much afraid , that he persists in saying you do not look afraid - you look very angry and you can speak well for yourself.

I have heard it at work too that in specific moments where I have felt this genuine fear inside of me - that they say that I looked angry, so to me it is strange that if I feel such fear - why then do I look angry? They too have said they had no idea I could be as assertive as I can be, and up against just anyone when I get like that, they often just see me as this soft and friendly thing. It's when I have had enough, I suppose. Then there is this shift. But it is still awful - I feel my fear, but I look like something else.

the children's dad has said that if you would have looked afraid - then I would have understood and then I would have cut in, but because you didn't - and you too kept all these other comments and other stupid stuff to yourself, without telling me - I didn't know.

I know in the past he would ask me if something was up, as he thought I was withdrawing and it seemed to him as if I did not want to be around the narcissist. I did not want to say too much because I did not want to make a big deal out of it and did not want any more conflicts or the fear really to face the children's dad's words if he belittled it or did not believe me. When I finally did tell him he said of course I believe you, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with (the narcissist).

He has said we will all be on our toes this time and if I miss something and someone else notice something that we will speak up and we will protect you, and anyone else, you don't have to think about that. He has asked me to come up with a code word or something in case he misses it, if something's up. That he will at all times have his eyes on the narcissist so it will not follow me where nobody else is to hear what is being said or done to me. I am at this point trying not to get nervous, I am not looking forward to this one bit.

He has said he will do what ever it takes to save our family (from him and I to go through with the final split) and that he did not realize before just how serious this was. Before when I would bring it up he would say I was "so sensitive", and now he knows I am not. I have actually forbidden him to use that word to me the way he does.

I have told him that I can't be in a relationship for too long where I feel bad that I can't promise him the moon and back, I have this "Bubble plast" around my heart as for now.

I have too understood something else I think. Before I was on and on about couple's being equals as in equals in giving and taking for there to be balance, harmony.

Now I understand looking back that I suffered for so long with him when I gave and gave, and gave up on my self respect along the way as well - my way of fighting for the relationship - while he did no such thing, and would stay blind and deaf. He was aware we were having problems but he thought still we were good to go. He too felt I was slipping away from him, and he was sometimes just waiting for me to return (mentally, in my heart) and other times he was very much alarmed and would get angry (and needed to feel more in control).

If something bad will happen - where the narcissist won't behave around me, or us - I am almost hoping for it to happen so I can see if the children's dad has changed or if it is just empty words.

We were once so close and I never thought all of this would happen to us. Even if I feel selfish and stupid - not having that much to give at the moment to the relationship - he says it's OK, it's his time now to fight and to give more to save us, and if we don't at least he knows I was good enough to give him one last chance, for him to prove he has changed (and for me too to have proven that I have changed in other ways), and so if we don't make it - then at least we know we have done everything we could. That he needs this last chance. Then too if it get smashed, if it don't work, it will be too easier for him to move on.

We love the children so much. At least we have managed to keep their well being our important priority in all this.

[astralsuzy]

Thanks asearcher. My husband said my sister in law is nasty to him, to other people and she has arguments with her grown up daughters. She also bosses her husband around and not being nice to him. It happens a lot. Every time I see them. I was told that the daughter does not get on with her mother. You are right. I am lucky. I do not have to put up it anymore. I am free from all that.

Your situation is a lot worse than mine. It is harder when children are involved. I hope things will work out for you and all the best.

Thank you, that is so sweet of you : )

Yes, you see - other people suffer whom she has within distance.

Thank you so much.