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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 01-08-2021, 08:07 AM
asearcher
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Is there something else I can do?

The other day my young daughter called for me. She stood in her panties only in front of a full figure mirror and said Mommy, do I look OK?
She then took her two hands on her tummy. I told her she was beautiful, always has been, always will be and that I love every single cell she is built with and could just eat her up alive.

What ever sudden sorrow I felt inside I kept it to myself and tried to not make a big deal of it.

I blame her dad and especially someone in his first family. We went into therapy as last resort to try to save the relationship, I wanted out, he wanted to give it one last chance and I agreed.

I have felt not good enough because of his heavy critism over nothing really. Could be the home was not 100% clean, in order to the extreme after we had kids that he and his first family always demanded it to be and how he had been brought up.

I noticed that his negativity was simply moving around itself on different topics of life. If not the home, it was something I wore, some dinner I made, what ever. It was all mixed in with love and when I spoke up I was called out to be "so sensitive".

In fact I would say the attitude exisiting in his first family and him with his clumpsy remarks are surprisingly insensitive and there is no wonder to why I have reacted on it in the past.

He has in the past commented on my weight and not in a good way. When we met I was underweight due to circumstances, not by free will. I simply moved around too much and I guess ate too little. I have too been normalweight and slightly overweight and pregnant. In the past before I met him my weight would go forth and back on that same scale and it was never something that bothered me as I guess I was comfy in my own body, skin. I don't come from a family where looks and weight was as obsessed about or used as a card for making oneself feel superior and someone else inferior.

His view of himself is a mystery to me. On one hand he must know that some perceive him as really handsome and good looking. On the other he has always been physically active (which is good) and then suddenly he will go on his diets (some are up the walls, just crazy) because apparently he has seen something on his body he don't like (that I never had a problem with).

I believe he has an insecurity about him. That he and the others are chasing after something, a goal, they will never reach. It doesn't matter what they do. It is as if they don't get that they are never going to get there. That it is their mind, that's all, like a sickness, really, the problem is not the body. Not the body they are in and not the bodies of others around who are sadly too effected by their negative attitude.

In the past as soon as he was to go on a diet he wanted me to go on one too. He one time made me so insecure that I went on one. People thought I was mad too. That I did not need it. And when I did calculate on it turns out I was not even overweight by the standards.

I came to the conclusion that if I was happy with my body than I would feel a lot lighter if I was not around him.

I too had to explain what to me was pretty obvious. That if you start to complain about the person you have a sexual, intimate, making love relationship with than how hot do you think the love making will be? How attractive do you think your partner will feel? How comfy do you think she will feel? That it takes vulnerability to be naked with someone who looks on your weight or parts of your body as if there is something wrong with you when there isn't. If anything that person who claim to love you and be attracted to you should make you feel good about yourself, not the other way around. I never "threw" myself around. I had chosen him and only him to be my partner in bed. I was declaring to him it was over between us as he had made me feel insecure, down, about stuff that I never would have even thought about was wrong with me in the first place.

I too told him that perhaps his physical type that he was attracted to was the underweight type, the way I looked when we met. That he in such case should just go out and find that and let me be. He got very distraught, upset. I felt cold one minute. Numbed the next. I told him I had to think of my own well being and not continue to sacrifise myself like this for the sake of the family. That the children around me needed a healthy and energetic role model to look up to and I wasn't that no more as our issues did nothing but bring us/me down.

When I went on that one and only diet my daughter was too young to capture what was going on. That was the one and only time I did it and I cut it off early on. He was to continue on his.

On lots of photos taken when I look back at us I can see in my eyes a kind of silenced insecurity. That was when I was still trapped. Still not finding the words for it what was wrong. I kept sacrifising my self respect because I loved him too much. I had no real insight really what I was doing, the harm I was doing to myself. Never again.

I have talked to him about how unrealistic I find his own complains about his looks is. (if lets say I have a photo taken of us in a restaurant he just speaks up what he think is negative about it, his looks, his hair or what ever and as usual I don't know what he is talking about). I have too told him how hurt, how insecure, how depressed he made me feel in his company by such remarks. That it isn't just in that moment he has spoken them, it stays with you in some strange way.

My strenght was really my background, my family's views, that I was looking into self love on the body, rieki. It can too be because I have always had an interest in fabrics, clothes to work around any body type so my joy has always been the same on my body no matter the weight. Friends, others would also chose me to help them find clothes or wear clothes I had to fit them, make them feel good about themselves.

Early on when it came to my daughter I took steps back if we were in a store for children's clothes and let her come up and decide what clothes she wanted to wear. She had/has a different personality than I have and i was curious to watch her in action. In time she became sure. She is someone who makes other feel good about themselves and she too has a kind of confidence that I am looking out to keep, I dont want her to loose it.

I know that I will have no control of what his first family nor he will say or not say about weight and looks when I am not around and that kind of scares me.

One time I overheard them in the kitchen. He was saying to our daughter that he could not understand how she could weight what she weight, look like she looked when she ate that little. She at once told him that her body was perfect, that the school nurse had said so, that she follow her development just like she should and that if he did not believe her he should give the school a call.

She has inherit more my looks than his and my body type. No matter weight I think his comments has starting to effect her.

One time I was in the shower and had locked the door but she knows just how to unlock it and she did and surprised me and drew of the shower curtain. She took her hand on my tummy and said Mommy, I love your tummy, it's beautiful. It use to be my home. Then she went out again.

I have talked to him and us together with her in best ways I know how as I want her to have a positive view on her body and on other bodies too. He has in the past apologised for his "clumpsy remarks" (his own words) and will later say he did not mean it like that, but it has happened again and again. I think it is because it is such normalcy to it in his mind and from his first family.

She knows that I like my curves and am happy with my weight and have told her I was happy before with it too if I was underweight, normalweight or overweight. We strive to eat healthy food but do snacks, candy, ice cream on Fridays, Saturdays, I've tried to take out the candy and replace it with fruit, goes so and so with that...We've always liked to be physically active. In all this it is as if I have more thought of the internal wellbeing than the external or what he looks at external wellbeing.

I wonder if anyone knows how to deal with this problem that I don't know? Any advice would be so appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 01-08-2021, 02:27 PM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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You are a very good mom.

Your instinct about your soon to be ex's negative influence over your precious daughter's body image is right on.
The girls who develop unhealthy body image and eating disorder usually have a controlling father in their lives.

So, kick the negative guy to the curb and get therapy for your daughter (and for yourself).

You can not fix the guy at all but you can prevent your daughter from being damaged by him.
And please find someone else who will love you as you are.
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  #3  
Old 01-08-2021, 02:27 PM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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Dup....................
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  #4  
Old 01-08-2021, 02:47 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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The only person you can change is yourself. Stop waiting for him to change because it's not going to happen unless he wants to change. Meanwhile, your daughter will be collateral damage. You sound unhappy too. I agree with Ziusudra, you need to get out and save your daughter.
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  #5  
Old 03-08-2021, 07:15 AM
asearcher
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Thank you very much Ziusudra and Traveler for your comments.
We've been thrown between despair and hope, and it's tearing on us, he said if there was a final break up that it has to come from me, that he can't leave me.. That he has talked to the kids before and said this (the first split)is his fault and that he hurt mummy. He told me he wanted to change. I saw positive change too, and in both of us.

Then just when you think therapy has worked, he's got it now, he slips right back and said to me "but we never weight this heavy, it's just a fact". He could have said a 100 other positive things but he chose only that. He speaks freely about the topic around kids which was too something I asked of him not to do. He then claimed oh, she wasn't listening but if anything she is listening in more now than before. I couldn't believe him, like he was back to square one again.
If I ate just rubbish and drank much or took drugs or just stayed on the sofa that would have been a different matter, then I could have understood the concern of my wellbeing. I saw on his face expression when I told him the incident with our daughter. I'm just really hope he gets it now.

I've never been much for diets at all as most of them cut off from all the nutrition the body needs. I've never been in a hurry. I remember after I had my daughter that people (from his first family) was at me, if it was not the stretchmarks on the tummy (because of the pregnancy) than it was the weight. I stood my ground as always. I was breastfeeding my baby and I did not think me going on a diet would be good for her. I trusted that my body would in time return to it's balanced state and it did. In fact wihtout thinking about it I was suddenly back to underweight again. I never worried about that. I could have stayed where I was at too, it would not have been a problem. I'm just used to moving on that scale and I like my body regardless.

I remember my daughter was surprised when I received the comments on my stretchmarks on the belly because suddenly she realised that someone else could see it as a bad thing while I had before told her that this was normal to have, that it was the tummy's way to expand to she could fit in there (while expecting her). I think kids just say objectively what they see but they don't put in by nature that it is something of negative, if so it is coming from the adults. I just said to the person commenting something in return like "I'm fine having them, it's a proof I got my darling" (my daughter).

What I have missed from him is that he don't "pre-warn" and have talks with his family in advance in case (and it is almost for sure it will happen) that maybe you should watch your toungue and not say some things with kids around or directly at kids. Maybe, just maybe, you should talk about other things than weight and make fat-jokes on someone else's expense, you know?

I'm cut in what to do about the weight-obsession as to just letting him go with her to his first family and I'm not around to press the stop-button or voice my thoughts on the subject (as to in support of other way to look on weight, diets).

I think it is different if it is just them "out there" (media, ads, strangers) who wish to celebrate only one type of body type and/or weight, but I think the vulnerability is more so when it is your own family and she considers them all family and of course she should. Family members she looks up to. That she is suppose to feel more than OK with than strangers.

There is one part of me that says there is nothing else I can do than what I have already done and just pray that he's got this and that he alone has to figure out a way to adress this with his first family in his own ways. That our daughter's wellfare has to be number one.

Sorry for the lenght of this reply. Thank you once again

Last edited by asearcher : 03-08-2021 at 10:15 AM.
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  #6  
Old 03-08-2021, 08:34 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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there's properly nothing else you can do- you undertook the diet and at least you tried... some people enjoy dieting with their partners... other's sometimes take it as criticisms- other's see it as a bonding process.. either would be fine... I know my self, it's hard to be in an avatar that can let you settle down without jumping and being unsettled.. ive had a few avatar problems - due to the account being to active... im a healthy male usually, and I like to keep fit- when I was born I was born fully grown- and I came in with a muscular look and still keep up with muscular health regimes... looks are important to me.. if your not attracted how can you possibly form a healthy relationship?when my twin flame and I meet up from the account (it's like an Adam and Eve- made from the rib- sort of flame) gaining the correct avatar without feeling 'wet' and 'soggy' because we are hybrids..we understand that our horizon is different because we understand the notions in gaining and getting into an avatar and only a slightly few bad moves you could end up with disabilitys or stray avatars or wrong image...(these things have happened to me) ive even been in the proximity of a female avatar...being stuck in not healthy but these things happen- and to wait for it to be and the change to happen is like waiting for a bus in the Sahara desert...

it's essistital for me that my twin flame and I are good looking and healthy and fit.. why not? I have to literally draw the avatar my self(some say you have to be a good drawer to be able to create the avatar) and it's also important that we don't cheat... after a few avatars including a young child- after a few reincarnations and some beating's with the flame ( you get an average.. but anything that's a hybrid atom is an average) to achieve a good avatar looking image the facial features have to be complicated- so to include us in symmetry... but with symmetry braking like hybrids it's difficult to make sure you are reaching for minimum margin.. which I am..anything out of that would survives in symmetry braking..

symmetry braking also is included in my flame relationship- where by- it's important for me that we keep our selfs healthy and good looks up.. who doesn't want to be good looking? who doesn't want a nice body? who doesn't want a nice avatar? but once your 'in'- and you've created this avartar you still have to keep up the exercising ect- I don't worry to much about being underweight- where you can see the bones, some people just have this and what's necessary is you're still healthy- people can be under weight and still healthy-

my kids like the way they look, and are healthy too- the often come up with things and stories because they understand that im a man...one once wore butterfly wings, and told me that she was beautiful like the them- that butterflies change- and I really understood that message- but more so that she understood... other wore a belt over her head- as if to speak karate kid- which she really lives unto her father with these things- I find it great that the kinds can participate in healthy regimes and martial arts- and understand the changes ( because like me and you- got into the avatar and renumber it, some how- because we all have that personal power... it's just when things go wrong- can really take time consuming about amount- in utilising the problem for the better or to see the better in the citation...

we all have the personal power to achieve good looks, by taking a healthy diet, exercise...well grooming...these things take time- I enjoy transformation videos on YouTube...watching people that are over weight gain muscles... but being over weight doesn't meant your not beautiful- some of the most beautiful people I know are over weight...

I don't necessary call it over weight because a guy can be over weight with muscle..

but it's great to keep a balance... but personally I would ask my flame to go on a diet if things were a bit not fitting into my standard...
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  #7  
Old 04-08-2021, 07:07 AM
asearcher
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Hi LostSoul13!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. There are to me a clear difference between striving or living healthy by exercise and food with nutrition in it, than to have a misperception of what your own body looks like and too others. To think that being underweight is better than being normalweight or even overweight. A person can still be overweight and still maybe turn into a more healthy life style but may still like it's curves and may not wish to loose so much weight, for instance. Too there are so many different body types. I don't feel that all body types are being celebrated as much in the media, it is getting a bit better, but still there is a bombarment of pics out there that has been played with to "Improve" something before it is even published. I think it is a dangerous development. Some people are too concern if they get a rinkle here or there which is too to blame on a youth culture pressure. I think when I see lots of photos of before and after that the before was much prettier than the after, it just looks unnnatural to me, personally.

You made one sentence that went like this "but personally I would ask my flame to go on a diet if things were a bit not fitting into my standard" - and this is just me talking (or rather writing) of my own experience of this. For you to do that is dangerous. It is dangerous to the relationship, to the intimacy part of it, you also have to consider the idea that this will mirror back at you. That it will backfire. That she might not think you are all that hot anymore, actually. Her perception of you might just change. She might not even want you around. You might have hurt her.

That you have put yourself "up there" while you have placed your partner "down there". That is you see yourself as more perfect than she is. And you are pretty much saying you don't really come up to my standard like your better than she is. Try that on a first date and see how that goes. It will be a disaster, you won't get a second date. Your are rejecting her by your comment. She perhaps was loving you the way you are and you have in return, what? giving the same? No. you have given less. you two get unbalanced.

And what if she is just happy the way she is? (like I am) Perhaps she is more happy with that weight, feel more at home with that weight, perhaps that is the weight her body should have? Or perhaps she is herself unhappy about something and than all you have done is to pick on her body and for you to see that is "wrong" with her body when another person can look at it and say no, I don't see there being a fault here. There's nothing wrong. It's through the eyes of the person looking. So just maybe, like I feel with my child's dad, he is the wrong person then looking. He can look elsewhere.

I had this flashback in a dream last night. I was on this carousel kind of place and there was just this remembrance and it was that (perhaps it was an ex) that took his arm around my weist and stomach and how that felt for me in the moment of just holding on in the carousel. Of two people being in love and just loving each other and loving each others bodies come with it. I have weight what I weight now in previous relationships too and nobody ever said anything and I felt just as wanted then, body and soul, no matter what weight I was having at the moment and I think actually I was mostly overweight then. I know it is a memory but because it went so fast I can't say if it was my childs dad or an ex. And I thought when I woke up. that is how I want it to be. That is the feeling I want. Thats the feeling I miss.

When I began dating my childs dad he would tell me he did not know what it was about me but that I had this comfy and pleasant ways about me. That is not something that is on the body, that is on the weight. That comes from within. Within the body. A well being on the inside and it streams out. Others has said it too, old people, young people, that I make them feel comfy by who they are or just being around me as I am comfy myself about my own body. I can guarantee you it is not on the weight. It is as if some think if they just loose that weight they want to loose than they will feel better about themselves while I think if you just get to have a balanced mind and soul, the internal well being, it will be enough. If your happy about yourself than it will be enough.

I will never forgive him for making the comments he has made. He has too made them right in front of my daughter which is a double disaster. He got upset straight away as he saw my expression, said he was clumpsy, that he was trying to be funny (on my expense, as usual. Always on other people's expenses, never on his) but I know he wasn't. He was trying to push me down. He was trying to make me feel less about myself. Jus to put that insecurity in me, somewhere. That oh, danger, she can't be allowed to be just happy the way she is, or happy with the home the way it is, or happy with the dinner she just made for me. I have to just "put her in her place", just so she does not think she is "all that". That is what his words are really telling me.

Then he goes crazy during the break up. says Im so pretty just the way I am, that he loves me to pieces, yada, yada, but that he had just been surprised as he had not seen me in a while seminude (about to go swimming with children and they were all excited, we were happy just the way we were and that was his golden opportunity to say something negative, of course, but make it into a socalled joke, and on my behalf. I have learned the hard way that just because it is said as a socalled joke any cruel things to say to another person is suddenly accepted, that is how it goes where he comes from).

In the past he has tried for me to eliminate, not bring in the home some foods jus tbecause he chose to be on a diet, but I have our family to think of and myself and we will keep eating the food we want and need. so to him that is the dangers and so he wants me aboard as "support". Then it is me who don't see anything wrong with his body. It has always been that even as I see him from a far that I have to catch my breath, that is how loved he was by me, that is the connection we had. And it was not on his weight. It was never about his weight.

I think in his case you can come to a point where you will never just rest with who you are, and your body and feel good enough about yourself. And if you dont' feel that about yourself you are not going to make your family, those around you feel like that either. You are just gonna make other feel insecure, the people you claim to love the most, instead of embracing them just the way they are and being thankful for having them around in the first place and have some joy for life instead. Be grateful none of you are sick in a disease or injured, that the body is in pain, to just celebrate yourself and those around you instead and feel free and happy in that perception.
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Old 05-08-2021, 08:24 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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I also said that over weight people are still beautiful- the reason I would personally say to go on a diet is because we have a certain degree of 'looks' to keep up- this doesn't mean I wouldn't love or accept her if she went over weight - there's nothing wrong with curves or the body figures that are rumouring around- hourglass, apple, straight ect, I think it's great to know your body type and know how to dress and improve your self- I thrive of people that 'live to improve' them selfs- there's nothing you can do but give it a label- and in doing so give your self a label-

it's just that as a flame- it turns out that my flame( would want to go on a diet with me; in order to better prepare and limit the body than suffering impairment: not that I wouldn't love every bit of her through the curvy, weight gain- just that its healthy to live healthy- there's nothing stopping someone living that life and fulfilment with it but then losing weight or staying in a healthy BMI....

I live in healthy BMI- and when ive be near avatars that are female, all have live a. healthy BMI- once I gained a couple of pounds and still do ( because I eat all the time- I also have been in avatars where I don't eat at all ( in fact eating is unhealthy because even 'healthy' food have unhealthy sugars... and the plague build up on the teeth is unhealthy to have a 'wet' mouth is unhealthy over all the avatar is quite wet.. I still think there is room for improvement ( this case with the avatar being wet: that there must be a different medium to the body that capillaries and blood- but at the moment this is the best avatar that's choosing to reincarnate... and you have to keep it healthy other wise it deteriorates very quickly including cavities in the teeth- which rot away at a larger rate because the cavity is out of time ( unlike vampire teeth, that the canines are fixed with movement (so protrude a better rot rate)

My flame would want to go on a diet- that's what I should of said.. my flame wants what I want and I would want ' to keep a healthy life style' but we will live that fantasy for a bit then get healthy otherwise things can really get out of hand- and ive said it before and Ill say its again- some of the best people I know are overweight but I wouldn't class them as over weigh because that's their 'image'- and if it's your image to be over weight then im not going to comment on it because - I accept you for who you are, no matter what- but that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my opinion on my own self- or things regarding my own self including my flame... she is made from my rib and in doing so- is alike- so naturally as an 'image' we have choosen to be of a certain physical bodyment- and you can't get away from that image -

it seems that you are happy what ever the body image you are- and generally im happy with with what ever body image my partner is; there isn't no preference just as long as things are healthy- some times it can get out of hand ( and the secret to it- I don't know.. but I know it has a secret like I have a secret to whom I am... and id never betray that secret - so im changing my opinion to show and clarify that....

But id still ask her to go on a diet... just because I know she would 'want' me to give her the thumbs up if things were over the tedious side....

I could say what about my life style choices: how would our relationship suffer if things got out of hand- that's including the sexual part - when bodies change body change...

but that's a life style choice... not that I didn't accept others life styles...

just one has to create the look and over weight isn't something I would normally 'get into' or reincarnate as.. just like being muscular- I have habit of taking it to far- once I have though about body building at his normal rate: one would be obese as a muscular physical embodiment...
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  #9  
Old 08-08-2021, 06:08 AM
asearcher
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Hi Lost soul13, yes, you're right you did write that, I did not mean to come off like that, I'm sorry. All my feelings were outside my skin when I wrote what I wrote before. I agree with some you write, but I still think it is a danger with you-know-what, LOL.

I think there is danger to think we own someone else, we don't own anybody, one belongs to another person, spirit as long as one wants to, married or not, the same goes. I have experienced it as if he thinks he owns my body, or as if we share same body, glued together or something. I do not in any way mean being unfaithful, that is a different thing entirely.

He is used to being on top of things and this is a strong breathing personality trait in him, it can be good considering what he does for a living, so it is not always a bad thing. I'm more relaxed, not that I take for granted that he will be on top of things but more that i don't stress myself too much about some things.

I get you 100% about eating healthy is the right thing to do, agree but it can to be developed into an obsession. He is not that particular about that. He loves junk food.

I am more the one who makes sure nutrition is right there to eat, but he chose not to and I don't ever say anything about it because that's just me. we are both adults. We both have brains of adults. He knows what I know. It is his choice. I can't be his mama. I don't feel like being his mama. I have a natural love for food with nutrition in it.

i just think i have this strong desire in me to believe in free will and to live and let live and that I just don't own anybody. A commitment is one thing, but it is not an ownership, when one crosses the line for that individual inner cirle of being. The only person I can tell what to do is my daughter, but that is to protect her, she has a child brain, not an adult brain. I just have this line that I don't want crossed, not with me, not with someone else. If they ask of my opinion, sure I will give it but I won't force my ideas and I won't be controling. I can be fiercely protective of someone, but I still don't cross a line. He crosses a line with me. And I really have to tell him lots of times to back off. He comes with comments what I look good in, what clothes to choice, how I should have my hair. I don't know if it is me being sensitive to it but even if I am I can't help it and I have to stick to it because the other option is not working for me. I chose myself what I want to look like. If he don't like it he can take a hike. I have been afraid to loose my individuality. Its like he has been nagging at my free will. I don't like that.

He says himself he gets it that he comes across as being too cold, he comes from that type of background, while I come across as being sensitive. What a combo, right?

even other kids react on his cruel jokes and say just that, that it is cruel, it isn't funny, he may not mean it that way but he needs to be more considerate.so to me when i see my childs dad go too far and he don't react himself i get scared and think how cold is he? if/when will he stop? there has been lots of times when I have read in someone's expression, body language, something, that something isn't right while he just don't read the warning signs, and that's bad. He just thinks it's funny.

his way of being on top of things, controling, i have been in it for so long i knew something was wrong but I could not say what it was. For me to just use the word controling is still unfamiliar to me even if I know it is spot on - that's what he's been.

about his stupid diets (sorry, but they are stupid, all of them) he goes on those who leave out lots of nutrition.

He always wants quick results. I then know i am to "look forward" to him being easily agitated for about 2-3 weeks (loosing that suger addiction). I swear each time he would tell me he was to go on a diet I would get a pain in my stomach. And be like OK...(and may the lord be with us)

One time he wanted no bread in the home but I eat bread and so does everyone else in the household, I told him he had to live elsewhere then. I mean , food is everywhere - what am I suppose to do with that? Is that my fault?

One time after shopping i directed us into a coffee shop and took myself the pleasure to buy a cake to eat, right. He would sit opposite of me (not having anything but a glas of water, how fun is that) and say to me that he felt it as if I was only doing this to test him, to provoce him, to see what I would get away with without getting a reaction from him. who talks like that?? I had eat more food with nutrition in it all week, if I want me a cake I'm gonna have me a cake. I only took it because I felt the urge to. who is he to forbid me? He did not have to even go to that coffee shop with me, I told him before, I said me and our daughter is just going to go there, we can meet up later. She took some yoghurt, I remember, with some berries on top, her choice, but he chose to come along too. The whole world does not evolve around him and his diet. He does not own my body. Like he was my dad or something. even as a dad that would have been irritating.

Same goes one time we spend the night at a hotel, next morning - what do you look forward to? The hotel morning breakfast, right? i swear i felt his eyes on me throughout. I hardly dared to put anything on my plate. I had lost all joy for hotel morning breakfast, that almost felt like a tragedy. I just wanted to cry (seriously).We usually don't eat breakfast together and that was just one of those times when it hit me, oh no we are going to eat breakfast together. You shouldn't have to feel like that.

I am sensitive to when ever I feel he is irritated. And those eyes. I have no skin against it. Right at you. Lots of times I have asked him if he is irritated and he says no, but then an hour or hours later the "confession" (more like explosion) comes. I knew it.

With his first family he is used to parents fighting out in the open and because I come from a split home I'm worried how that will effect them (potential children around), t hat's why it often takes place in the evenings when asleeping.

I've never talked to anyone outside (family, friends) about our different tempers. I don't wish to speak bad about the father of my child, break up or not, I don't anything turned around to her.that it will get to her. Even if I was a child merely myself I am much scared from the split of my parents. it's still alive in me. hasnt left, that experience.

The very best of him comes out in his relationship as a dad, you can just see in his eyes the love, the endearment he has, and he's adjusting. And him being on top of things can be a good thing as a dad, only not over do it, you know.

I guess I have a relaxed attitude about my weight, always have, and it is not as if I move that much down or up the scale, it's not a big deal. I have curves.I have my figure from my mom and she had it from her mom, it's like kate winslet, no matter up or down the weight scale youre still end up with the curves. There isn't much to do about that. You can love it or leave it. I love it. No way I am to let my body get butched. That's the body type I try to teach my child (who has now my body type as I had when I was her age) is OK to have, just like to have any other body type. That there is nothing wrong with it. that everyone deserve respect. that you shouldn't mock anyone's body, looks, weight, what ever. We all deserve respect, we're all on our journeys and we are proberly all trying to heal from something in the past.

The sad thing is maybe that because she was from the start built with that strong inherit body type to her that some in his first family can't see where she would get anything from their side and that's true, I can't see it either. And the stupid weight obsession, those comments from his first family. He says he is worried as he notice our daughter don't eat like she should (but she still has that body type) and that was what he meant by it, nothing else. i want him aware of the messages he is sending out and how they can be received by her. It's terrible. I have been furious with him as he did not understand how much our daughter takes in, how much she listens even if she is busy doing something else.

I have distanced her from any weight talk obsession these days (even if it has never come from me but her dad and those comments from his first family) and even if others have no clue to what we are going through not even my closest friends as I don't want to, not at this stage, it has just been so wonderful to be around people who have so many other topics to chose from and do that. We have enjoyed ourselves.

I don't think I will ever get what the weight-obsession is with her dad. He is strong, physically, and so just like you describe he should then have to count that into what ever he now counts as overweight. when I have said i think he is beautiful just as he is he has just said thanks and that it warms him but this is the thanks i get in return. not that i was saying something nice and true just to get a compliment back, but still.

I understand the healthy approach to want to strive to be better fit or built more muscles, live a life where you eat what your body really needs instead of junk food, to strive for that, but at the same time I see no need to put down your own looks at the present or anyone elses for that matter. It does not exactly give positive energy.

I think the role my child's dad has had in life from the scratch is that he has received compliments on his good looks even if he does not like to draw attention to him (kind of strange, but that is how it is).

he has too said to me "Alright then. I accept you at your weight now. Youre still beautiful the way you are now. And with the curves. But you should't go further than this". (I'm like who the hell does he think he is? He accepts me? who talks like this?). I just said I don't accept you regardless of your weight with your comments on my body.

So to me the answer is personally that if I feel in balance inside myself the rest will take care of itself. I have been loosing weight unintentionally if I have been too active but also one time when I struggled, was unhappy. When he thought I was too underweight he complained about that too, but I was fine. I did not need to hear that either.

Because I have struggled now with this relationship for so long my brain has not been balanced because of it, it is isolated to the relationship and not other parts of my life. Other parts stay stable like work, friends, other relationships. I have such great friends really from early age that are still with me. I think I had this naive thought that I would have a marriage life in harmony when I met my first boyfriend as I in general have long term relationships with people once I connect. I did not think my love life would turn out to be such a complicated story.

I notice when I get unbalanced like this it is as if my brain does not send out the right signals, that the stress can make me eat either less or perhaps too much, but it is still my business. I don't appreciate my child's dad's mocking or worry or what ever he now thinks he is doing.

One time I lost surprising lots of weight by just turning into eating a specific food that I just loved and I was not even hungry, not once, throughout. I was not irritated with him or nobody, I was just feeling good and I was not looking to loose weight, that just happened.

I think too if one is to loose weight than it is no sense in rushing it by stupid diets as the c hilds dad has done as he then later will come and complain it is all on him again, the ones he fought so hard to loose. Too I think the body has it's own time to adjust and if lets say the stomach has been expand it takes time for it to adjust to a smaller size.

Its like when you have accidently broke something on your body and they tell you it will heal in about so and so time. It is no point in rushing things and pushing things and then be frustraded about it and then going back to how it was before. To just accept that for it to be sustainable it takes time and be OK with it in the meanwhile and too be OK with it if your body as a comfy-weight. I trust that if this is my comfy weight it is and if it is not than time will show itself it is not, if I just feel balanced on the inside it will regulate whats right for me and my body.

What i find strange about him is that he gets as destroyed as he gets when i react, he should in my opinion, most rational considering the comments he has made, been more cold and indifferent to loosing me. Confusing.

I've decided not to have our daughter exposed to such stupid diet-talks as it is as vulnerable as it is at this stage. I've talked to someone in his first family together with her dad so that individual who I trust and been protective of me in the past will now be watchful and protective of her in case a certain someone is around and her dad won't hear, react or be in the room. The certain someone who makes such comments is impossible to reach about this. I don't want this around my daughter, it is sickening to me.

Last edited by asearcher : 08-08-2021 at 10:44 AM.
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Old 08-08-2021, 03:22 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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seems like you been through it all.. but you know your self the way in which you need to be treated and in which way the acceptable way of being treated is... you won't budge for anything less than that... which is great as you continue to be a great mother, whom is is thick in her skin... you have plenty of insulation to help you deal with progresses... nothing will take that away... If you want that cake you should eat that cake... ive been having those types of idles and allowing my self to just indulge when ever necessary...nothing can equip you for motherhood than being hands on...and nothing can equip you for being a women than actually being one... seems to me as if you've got both down to a T...

forget about them, they are in you past.... you don't have to deal with them unless you want to deal with them.. its great that your purging..
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