CauseD COMPLETE ego death - will I be ok?

[Ciona]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

I don’t feel I’m in a higher vibration

Well, you are. And it took guts--true spiritual guts--with everything that's been going on in your conscious awareness and feelings, and what's going on in the world right now. I personally think you're awesome and you should be proud of yourself. Okay so things are feeling cr*p right now but that's part of the vibrational shift and it really isn't going to last forever. Like others have said, life moves on.

[Sarahpro]

Thank you so much...I really don’t know about that, it isn’t a shift, it is fragmentation due to trauma, that’s what I think....yes things feel terrible and it feels like it was all just one big mistake. I don’t know when or how I’ll get out of this, if I’ll just keep breathing and hanging on forever I really hope not, I hope part of me can let go. Thanks for the encouragement

[linen53]

I make a point of never reading anything or believing anything that is based on fear. I lived in fear and guilt for the first 47 years of my life. It engulfed me. Swallowed me whole. Now I am on equal terms with God in that I'm not afraid of whatever God is. If I am the child of whoever created, then we should be on equal terms. Parent/child. And when I mess up here, I look upward like this: and say I'm here You're there; we will discuss this when I get there.

You are not a fallen angel, you are not going to hell. That is garbage and it disgusts me that supposed persons of enlightenment would put that kind of yolk (the kind of yoke they put on cattle) on the shoulders of a ignorant innocent soul. Ignorant meaning lack of knowledge.

It sounds like you are fairly new to all this. It is normal for a new soul awakening to want to go fast. But you can't force your lessons. They come as Spirit teaches them.

My honest advice is take all that gobbledygook stuff you learned and throw it in the trash. Stop. Be quiet and listen to your inner self. It's frustrating to hear, but all the answers are inside you and Spirit will awaken each truth a little at a time. That means you will spend the rest of your life learning your truths.

Don't look for a spiritual leader.

If you can find a way/method of meditation that works for you (because I am ADD I cannot meditate). It is in the quiet that you can hear the best.

Learning to be alone for a portion of your day will help. Learn to like yourself. Maybe read something inspiring and positive, and later you can learn to meditate. But be alone.

Ciona makes a very good point. Before you awakened your vibration was at a certain level, after awakening it was just a tiny bit higher. Now that your vibration is at a higher level you must wait for your next truth to attune to the next higher level. She did a good job explaining that, better than I could have.

[Sarahpro]

ThNks for this. I am already aware and meditative all day long, I just lack equanimity. For four months now I have been stuck and not one truth has revealed itself, well sometimes I’ll feel a message from grace but then I just go back into emptiness and lack of equanimity, don’t feel like I am growing. I am waiting for that moment of true purity and love.
What is the definition of high vibration?
I am way more hateful, despairing, and brooding than I ever was haha, no compassion or joy, only fear and sadness. Before this accidental ego death thing i was very happy, loving , balanced, connected, and gentle

[Ciona]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Thank you so much...I really don’t know about that, it isn’t a shift, it is fragmentation due to trauma, that’s what I think....yes things feel terrible and it feels like it was all just one big mistake. I don’t know when or how I’ll get out of this, if I’ll just keep breathing and hanging on forever I really hope not, I hope part of me can let go. Thanks for the encouragement

You're welcome. So yes...its technically fragmentation due to trauma, apparently expressing itself in the now...I'm not arguing that point whatsoever. What I'm trying to express and maybe not doing a very good job is that be that as it may, there's still a shift which already occured and is occurring. However, you are still learning to embody it. It's a matter of embodiment and that takes time. So its okay to feel those icky feelings. You're getting ready for alignment.

[Sarahpro]

Thank you. That would be incredible. But to me it will take a magical miracle for the light to get in as there is very little crack

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Ok . Thanks for the reassurance I appreciate it.
But since it happened, what’s been happening is an increase in disconnection/apathy/social withdrawal, decreased connection with my body, and mind is spinning faster and faster. Like I went from super loving and connected and peaceful and grounded to not at ALL. It’s nice to know human thoughts and emotions can’t impede. All I know from Buddhist thought is that beings can get stuck in hell for eons. But I believe I was fear programmed into believing I am a fallen angel that cannot be saved and therefore cannot experience love ever again. For the last four months this has felt true. But I am just waiting for that moment to come again, ever elusive
So you think even if it feels like I have NO love left in me, that there is no space in between my thoughts, no inner peace, that I am even moving away from it, and that I am obsessing about it..it could still come?
Right when this started I made the mistake of googling fallen angels and therefore absorbed the idea that I can’t be saved, very bad mistake on my part
This is serious ****..the kundalini energy was INTENSE, several enlightenment experiences, chakra openings, healings, then all of a sudden I messed up and went crazy and messed everything up...borderline ready to give up, can’t feel anything at anytime ... wide open crown chakra with a mess in the rest of my being
Yes my mind is in chaos, no wonder. Complete contraction. No process, just stuck in a loop

Wow, I am lost in all of that. To be honest, I don't get too deep into the weeds with most of that stuff you mention. Don't know anything about fallen angels, don't have any experience with kundalini, don't mess around with chakra's much. I believe that we more or less create our own realities. If you bring those things into yours then they will be real for your experience. You can do that if you want, but to me it just seems to be over complicating things. Do you remember the movie poltergeist many years ago. Your post reminds me of the flying toys in the bedroom scene. It's like you are all freaked out and stressing about all those flying toys and objects, but you don't realize you are the one who is making them fly around like that. Only in your case, it is spirituality concepts and jargon floating around up there. Busy busy busy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J9sU2n5fIc

You sound like the woodcutter in that link I sent you earlier. You are frantically running around the woods trying to chop at these spirituality concepts hoping to solve your problem(s). Only your problem is that you are frantically running around the woods trying to chop at spirituality concepts. Do you see what I mean. You can't solve a problem with more of the thing that is causing it. Forget about all this stuff for a bit and watch a comedy, do a puzzle, go for a walk in the woods, or on a prairie at sunrise or sunset. Go borrow Dumbledore's pensieve and unload into it.

If you just can't seem to slow down the wheels, then maybe talk to someone in a professional capacity. They may be able to help, either through talk or medicines. Sometimes you need to get the engine back under control before you can adjust the idle speed.

[Sarahpro]

Thanks for this message
The reason I am always turning to spirituality is because I am not happy. When I try doing things like you suggested, even watching comedies or my favorite activity volleyball, I don’t feel that happy and feel so disconnected from people. So naturally my mind tries to problem solve. I basically have gotten it to be very hard to accept myself. The only times where I feel ok for some reason are when I cry. Other than that it’s just a very dry desert. Even walks in nature, even the most beautiful sunset, everything is emptiness, apathy. I don’t think it’s as simple as something passing - the only thing that could pass is the emptiness in my heart that would take magical surrender to allow in again.
And time has not been doing me any favours , time has been making it worse.

Hello Sarahpro !

Yes, you will be ok ! Everybody is in the end.

Sometimes, you even get to realise that you always were ok. Do what makes you happy, and go with the flow.

[Ciona]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Thank you. That would be incredible. But to me it will take a magical miracle for the light to get in as there is very little crack

I understand what you mean and believe it or not we all feel like that sometimes. You're not the only one with fragmentation issues, lots of people have experienced that and yes you can still progress. I know it feels like dark and nothing and there's no frame of reference. But you have that now. You experienced no-thing and found out how wonderful it is, you know its there.

One thing ketzer said a bit back which I thought had merit was when he talked about focusing so much on a problem that the mind just becomes more focused on the problem.

What you experienced wasn't just in the mind. The mind all by itself isn't the 'solution', then is it?

Honestly I would go watch a movie, have some snacks, spoil yourself and have some fun and maybe even celebrate what you've done.

Subconscious you knows what to do in this process. It knows where all the cracks are, I promise.

Good luck and take care