This is dark but... fallen angel / can I die?

[Sarahpro]

Hi there,
To be honest, I made a few suicide attempts back in April, out of delusion. I remained alive. I hit my head hard and after that it felt like my breathing was voluntary.
I was drawn to google fallen angels and now have developed the belief that I am one- angel meaning previously spiritually connected to god and open crown/kundalini, fallen meaning lost in darkness. I also hit my ehad hard on pavement the other day by accident and nothing happened to me, just breathing became more voluntary.
I still have suicidal impulses but am thinking it would not work if I tried. I have heard about immortality of angels and also of dark forces trying to achieve immortality via human hosts.
Don’t worry, I am getting the help I need but nothing is working.

[Fatimasque]

I don't know if I believe in immortality of anything other than God.
Also, we all connect to the Divine in different levels and ways.
and we all get lost.

but also, your beliefs and mine need not match.
what I do worry is about your persistence in suicidal thoughts.

Kindly seek immediate and close by help, and continue seeking it
even if you feel it is not working.

if you believe in God, then can you find in that Faith, that he wants you here
and he will call back your soul to him, via the death of your body, when it is time.

I don't know what you mean by attempting suicide 'out of delusion'.
but whatever it may be that drives you, its not a friend. so please don't listen to it.

[annonafox]

Just wanting to post a message of love, support, empathy. Fatimasque is right----suicidal thoughts are not a friend to us. We must be here for each other---I see the meaning of life is to simply help each other through this life and give love as often as we can.... as painful as being human can be. No judgment here---just a desire to keep you safe and here with us. ((hug))

[Sarahpro]

Thanks a lot
I don’t wanna say I’m god but I caused an ego death that made me feel like permanently on mushrooms, no sense of self, and while it was still pleasant at the time I did feel like God. Felt like I was on mushrooms, felt in a very high state.
Death seems to be the equaivalent of this - a psychedelic experience. I’m worried that I would have too much power to CHOOSE not to die, even if my body started dying, I could achieve immortality.
I have also done way too much googling about fallen angels and AI invasions and walkins etc so pretty terrified something is happening there

[Sarahpro]

I just don’t k ow what one is supposed to do, when it feels like their heart has run out of resources and is totally black

[Fatimasque]

your heart cannot be totally black, and I'm sure it is not. and not even partially.
you are just hurting and/or confused. and we all go through that, and we all question.
but have patience and have faith.
you are wanted and loved on this earth, otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

if you've had psychedelic type experience, maybe you suffered some form of mild psychosis, because they feel and translate the same
have you spoken to a doctor or a specialist?
usually it also sends us towards an overdrive of seeking for information, and some other things you are describing.
my best friend goes through this too, and I've held her through it, and so I know there is something better at the end of this journey of yours.
in fact, I'd be so bold to promise it.

you heart is beautiful and you are human. and we all suffer and we all feel every range of emotion.
it doesn't make us bad or good. we are just humans, doing our best with what we have.

sending you all the love I can muster in this moment. I hope it reaches you Sarahpro.
I hope you know you are not alone.

[Sarahpro]

Thank you fatimasque
I have seen a doctor and on meds that aren’t working.

I just don’t know why after multiple suicide attempts I did not die. I guess because I chose to be here. I do not see how things can turn around , they have only been getting worse

[loopylucid]

What is it you battle with? xx