The Ballet Dancer.

[russianpast_1904]

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I participated in the forums here. I've been very busy with work, as well as, a commissioned piece for a friend. I hope everyone is well, healthy and managing despite all the chaos that is the World today. But anyways, that isn't the reason I'm writing this.

So recently, I started writing out a storyline for a character that I have created for a role play game I participate in every year (Titanic-Voyage), and he's a ballet dancer. He's a premier danseur at the Ballets Russes, and he's only 22 years-old. Nijinsky (the famous ballet dancer) has a rivalry with him, and threatens him often.

Disclaimer: I don't claim to be Vaslav Nijinsky. 1. That completely contradicts with my one belief of being another individual in Russia, contemporary to him. 2. I don't believe in parallel past lives, personally.

Anyways, going on.

So when I was younger, my mother enrolled me in karate classes to build up my confidence. I didn't want to do them but she more-or-less forced me into it. I remember how much I hated them. Even though the instructors were nice. I just felt incredibly self-conscious and not right there. I remember that one night I was about to receive my black belt. I had to break the wooden plank and I ran away crying because I couldn't do it. I made my mother so mad. She has given up on me a lot to be perfectly honest - but I'm trying to rekindle our relationship which is working somewhat. But anyways.

I'm an artistic individual. I prefer drawing and reading, going to the opera or seeing a ballet then playing football or soccer, or even track. When I was in second grade I saw my first ballet performance on a field trip. It was the Nutcracker. I was up in the tiered balcony level, and I could see way down into the theatre. The dancers were leaping, pirouetting, you name it. I was enthralled and so mesmerized.

Last year, I got to see the Nutcracker again and it was just as magical, a lot more closer (we had better seats), and I wept. I was so moved by it. It has always moved me.

So back to the storyline. I've always known certain things about ballet and though I'm 30 years-old now, I've thought about trying my hand at it - as a hobby, not professionally. When I listen to the scores of music for these performances (especially Swan Lake, The Nutcracker and Giselle) something stirs inside of me. I get that same stirring when I see the dancers performing either on a video or in an actual performance in real life. I cannot shake how I feel about it.

I've even thought well, I have Asperger's Syndrome and that could be a reason for this. I research so much and become so engrossed in something, it's bound to have that kind of hold or effect on me. But that doesn't necessarily make sense to me, to be perfectly honest.

When I see performances, and I hear the music I want to dance and leap across a room - even though that would probably cause me serious injury. Another thing that is interesting though it probably means nothing - I have been told I've the physique for it - long and lean. I also can stand like a ballet dancer (not en pointe) with my feet horizontal. I also can stand with them inverted as well - but I'm told (not everyone can) it's not exactly rare or uncommon. Some people are just more flexible then others. But it's the feeling I get when I listen to the music. When I see performances. That's what tugs on my emotions and soul - if that makes sense?

A friend of mine said that the storyline about the ballet dancer in Russia could have triggered something or a life-time that is meant to be remembered. Maybe this is why I all of a sudden want to go the a ballet school or studio. Covid currently complicates matters, but you know - there are online classes to watch and become familiar with.

Currently I have the Nutcracker Suite playing on Spotify and if I could tell you what my soul feels like doing - I want to get up and dance, twirl around and leap. Again, I know it would cause me possible injury because I'm not trained. But it doesn't stop my soul from yearning for it. It's honestly the same feeling I get when I want to try and speak Russian, French, and German. It's a sudden yearning and want. I hope this is making sense and that I'm not all over the place with this.

If I have danced ballet before in a past life, it was before the Edwardian Era. Russia speaks to me as the place I may have lived. I'm just going on intuition right now. I don't think I was well known. I knew of and knew some of the great dancers on the stage. It's all very sudden for me. But it's a yearning and want that I cannot dismiss or push aside. I just want to dance.

[russianpast_1904]

So honestly, I don't know where I thought I was going with this. It was just based mostly on feeling. A rush if you will. A feeling of a whirlwind around me. I know that ballet dancers do describe the dancing as a rush of adrenaline and then it's finished all of a sudden even though it could be for an hour or two, or even four.

I resonate deeply with Vaslav Nijinsky, however I don't think I knew him. A friend of mine who is a medium and past-life reader told me that maybe the reason I so deeply resonate with Nijinsky is because he achieved the excellence I had so longed to achieve but wasn't able to. In my past-lives there's a pattern which I've noticed where I never am able to achieve the goal I seek or have been given to work toward. Be it a premier danseur, or the throne of a kingdom/empire - I never got to the goal. It's funny how things come in a round-about way like that.

That makes sense to me. Very much so.

So, earlier this afternoon I tried to watch a regression video (for past-life healing) and I fell asleep before I even went into the depth of it. Just before I did though, I had a sudden and brief flash. It confused me because I could see a boy's or a man's hands around a woman's waist. She was corseted, the fabric was stiff to the touch. There was a great amount of gauzy fabric - a tutu perhaps. I could feel the rush of adrenaline in this brief flash. But it confused me because I couldn't tell if I was the woman or I was the man. It wasn't much to go on and it just confused me.

So I decided to see if places would trigger me. I looked up the old location of the Imperial Ballet School in Saint Petersburg, which is where many of the great ballet dancers studied. It's still opened, only it's now called the Vaganova Ballet Academy. We called it the "Académie." The photographs I saw of the exterior of the building threw me into an emotional high. It's hard to express in words what validation I felt. I knew that street. Rossi Street. The Alexandrinsky Theatre stood at the far end. I guessed (honestly because I just had a feeling) which side the Imperial Ballet was located in. I pointed to the right-hand side of the two buildings. Imagine my dumbfounded surprise when I found out I was right. That was a huge validation for me. I recognised the interior staircases, some of the rooms. One dance studio, with a tiered balcony made me so emotional that I began to cry and was laughing, my heart was beating - I was sweating. I'd not had this kind of past-life validation in a while. It's really hard to explain. It's mind-blowing honestly.

After this, I looked up ballet dancers from that time period - before the 20th century. I found a photograph of a group of young ballet dancers in Marius Petipa's "Paquita" with different years - but I think it's 1892-1893. In the photographs are one boy, who would later become one of the great choreographers of the Ballets Russes - Michel Fokine. I remembered that we (this group of children and I) called him affectionately "Misha." - His name was Mikhail. The girl standing right next to at the far right hand side I recognised immediately. She stood out so much. It's ridiculous actually. And another boy, who has a scowl on his face, standing in profile to the photographer.

Seeing the young girl, next to "Misha" connected to the flash. It was her waist I was twirling. I listened to Minkus's score of Paquita and the Mazurka was ridiculous familiar. It made my heart light and I felt a swelling in myself. To dance. To get ready. To perform. I had a flash suddenly of dancing with her. Twirling around. I think I fancied her.

Another photograph (this time of Nijinsky) in 1907 when he graduated from the Imperial Ballet School, his uniform is familiar to me - especially the collar with its decorative ornamentation. It makes me think I was definitely a young man then. And then the other thing that clicked was a possible injury during that life-time that carried over.

My other past-life, where I suffered from a blood disorder caused some near-fatal episodes which nearly killed me. In one episode (in 1912) my leg was bent for a long while after - my left leg. In this life, I walk with my right foot angled out and it's always been noticed by everyone. I'm very self-conscious of it. I have a feeling (it's very strong) that the injury carried over, and in that life-time I fell or broke my ankle. That makes a lot of sense to me honestly.

Recognising so many faces, the photograph of the children dancing - Carlotta Brianza, a ballerina in 1890 dancing in The Sleeping Beauty as Princess Aurora, another photograph showing children posed - 1890/1891 - Anna Pavlova (ten years old) is in the photograph.

I feel that I lived maybe into my late teens, or at the least my early 20's. I feel illness was the reason for my death. I've considered trying to find records of students from that time period but that's like searching for a needle in a haystack.

But anyways. It feels good to have such validation all at once. Truly.

Photographs:

Here is a photograph of the main entrance to the Vaganova Ballet Academy. This is where the Imperial Ballet School was located prior to Soviet times.

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...&oe=5FA420 13

Here is Rossi Street. At the far end is the Alexandrinsky Theatre, on the right is the Vaganova Ballet Academy. When I saw this photograph, I intuitively knew it was the location of the "Académie."

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I was curious as to how the interior looked, and came across dance studio photographs. This one is called the Marius Petipa Dance Studio. It's the most famous one. This is what gave me the strongest, visceral and emotional reaction. That tiered balcony is incredibly familiar.

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One of the many staircases in the Vaganova Ballet Academy. These flights of steps, the wrought-iron. Nothing has changed since I was there.

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Carlotta Brianza, an Italian prima ballerina who performed with the Mariinsky Theatre in Saint Petersburg. She appears here as Princess Aurora in Petipa's "The Sleeping Beauty," Circa. 1890. Her face is very familiar to me.

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...&oe=5F7E16 0E

A posed portrait of child dancers in Petipa's "A Fairy Tale" - Anna Pavlova, one of the great Russian ballerinas (ten years old) is holding the bird cage, middle at left.

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Child dancers in Petipa's "Paquita" Circa. 1892/1893. "Misha" or Michel Fokine is standing at the far right, next to the girl who I danced with in that life-time. The boy in profile with his head turned, making a scowl is also familiar to me.

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...&oe=5FA269 8D

The same group of dancers, in a different pose. I remember twirling around with the girl, holding Misha's hand (at far right, foreground).

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...&oe=5FA391 E0

[russianpast_1904]

I wanted to add a few other things before I sign off for the weekend.

Mathilde Kschessinska, the prima ballerina assoluta who had an affair (with many suitors) with the future Tsar Nicholas II, before his marriage to his future wife and consort - Princess Alix of Hesse - everyone knew she was having affairs - and the affair with the Tsesarevich (Tsar Nicholas II) was very much known. It wasn't a secret. Nothing was ever a secret in Imperial Russia. She was a force to be reckoned with. Petipa himself wrote that she was a "nasty little swine," in his memoirs despite being a magnificently-talented dancer. She could be very nice but also very nasty on any given occasion. I've read that she would sew the jewels given to her as gifts from her many suitors into her costumes for performances.

I'm currently sitting in my bed-room, and listening to Paquita again. Out of nowhere came the name "Pavel!" - like it was being shouted. So yep, that's interesting. It was like I was being yelled at to "pay attention."

Anyways, good night my friends - until later!