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the inside out // Abusers // Worth
I have a feeling this post might resonate with many, and so I hope that those that need to hear this, will be led here.
From the inside out.
I think unconditional love comes from inside out, when you begin to love yourself without judgement, accepting your flaws, your quirks and forgiving your mistakes without beating yourself down in internal dialogue. (I am sure there are many more ways to express love, these were the ones that came to me just now.)
A person who does not unreservedly love themselves - cannot unconditionally love another, because there will always be a condition or an agenda. And when the object doesn't meet them, then the love goes away. (Which btw wasn't love or love leaving. It was never love but instead Manipulation - trying to get a person to behave like they want in exchange of making them feel "accepted" or maybe "tolerated". )
If your family "loves" you and yet keeps holding it over your head and pulls away said "love" when you displease(d) them, when you don't or didn't obey them, then that is/was not love. And you don't owe anyone obedience at the expense of yourself.
(I believe in the universal laws. you will always reap your own rewards, you will get what you sow. The other little ways to make us behave one way or another, in my opinion are simply trying to control human behavior into more of a definable entity. Because most people fear what they cannot define.)
Sadly - when Children have experienced loads of trauma from their toxic parents they end up afraid of being who they are. Instead, they please people and lose themselves in fragmented pieces trying to please everyone else (everyone but themselves - and often will be depressed and even suicidal when they do not receive the "love" they so ardently work for.) They also won't express their true feelings, they never learn to establish boundaries and they put themselves at risk this way, because they allow others to harm them.
Many, many people live this way now as adults and they carry these toxic traits into the upcoming, new generations. I am not sure if many have stopped long enough to take a good look at their lives, or they might be so medicated that they don't feel those things.
Personally, I never enjoyed medications, since I was sick all my life and always tried to medicate myself as much as possible, with natural things. (with little success), but even I hit that terrible bottom. I thought I had hit it many times over the past 10 years, but never like I did last summer.
But for me it took this, to come to see things clearly. It had to come to the place where I was physically incapable of earning my value, to realize that I am valuable no matter what. Actually I came to love myself more during that time. Came to see my battle scars and love them, to look at my younger self and admire her for surviving. To thank her for enduring. To praise her for remaining so sensitive and gentle and soft despite all that happened.
Because I have a tender heart, I tend to think "oh they are hurt and that is why they hurt me" - and so I let them. Because "they don't know better".
Except - I am also learning that I behave like this, because I have unhealthy boundaries. I do not value myself if I let this continuously happen. If I stick around people who do not value me, it is a reflection of how I view myself.
As a child we couldn't leave(unless you want to be living on the streets). But as grown ups we can establish distance. This can be essential to be able to heal. And once we have walked on our journey to wholeness and wellness some, we can possibly see if we may allow contact again.
However, I don't think you should feel that you are bound to stay in touch with abusers. Forgiveness does not constitute that you need proximity to said party - ever again - if you don't choose it. (That would be guilt of social expectations talking). The excuse "they don't know better" is bull****. Sorry. But it is. We live in an age where nobody has that excuse anymore. If they continue to hurt you... Then they chose to stay ignorant and because people allowed them to remain abusive, they continue to do it. They are lazy, do not want to change and quite frankly do not see you as valuable enough to treat you with the respect and kindness you are OWED. There. I said it.
YOU are lovable, worthy and valuable. Not because of what you do or don't do. No, Because you SIMPLY ARE. And BEING is all you ever needed to be worthy. And nothing you ever will do will make you unworthy. <3
I honestly don't exactly know why I am writing this. But Here it is. Maybe it is less a discussion - more of a safe place to share. Maybe share things that have hurt you, or do hurt you. I am not sure what purpose this post has but I think it was needed.
Much love and light to you!
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