Costco, childhood home, cancer

[astralwanderer]

Starts as a dream and ends as a dream but has an OOBE in between. Bear with me...

I dreamed last night that I went to Costco and saw a girl I went to primary school with...she is now a conductor at a university, and she was shopping but also had a piano student playing one of the display electric keyboards. I noticed that he was playing from a book of sheet music that I use, and I went up to him and asked if I could have a go at it. He ignored me and looked embarrassed. I found the girl I knew from my childhood and gave her a hard time about her “teaching facility,” but she just kept her nose in the air.

I realized I was dreaming and decided to end that dream, so I found myself in sleep paralysis and exited the body. I was immediately in the back yard at my childhood home. I went into the house through the back door and into the living room. It was twilight. I looked down the hallway toward my old bedroom, and the door was open, and the light seemed to glow brighter in my room than the others. I sensed a presence in there, pulling me to it, but I felt like this was a trap, so I yelled down the hallway, “WHAT?”

Then I was pulled to a clinic, and my patient was another girl I went to high school and college with, and I heard myself, as from afar, tell her that her brain tumor had grown and was pressing on her optic nerve, and this was why she couldn’t see. (As I was telling her this, I felt a lot of pressure in my own head.) I told her there was nothing else I could do. She humbly accepted this and thanked me. (To my knowledge, she doesn’t have a brain tumor in real life.)

After she left, I transitioned back into a dream and was in the exam room, but I had fallen to the floor. I was gathering paper scraps out of the carpet so I could dispose of them. I was crying. My husband was standing there, looking at me, and honestly looking a little amused, which upset me further.

It almost seems a random assortment of inconsequential scenes, but they were very vivid, and before I went to sleep, I prayed for a message, any message...and this is what I got in answer.

[Michelle11]

Interesting. I actually see them as all connected and not at all inconsequential. I even wonder if seeing your issues as inconsequential is the issue. You asked for a message and my impression is that the dream is pointing towards some issues that came about in childhood. The first but may be a reflection of the issues you still carry, embarrassment and being self conscious about your 'performance' even if that performance has nothing to do with music. This self consciousness may have caused you to become a bit closed to any advice coming from the outside. This issue likely arose from childhood. You are afraid to confront the issue but may need to ask what it is to move forward and clear it out. What is it that you struggle with within yourself, what beliefs do you hold that may be keeping you stuck. Whatever it is likely related to some thought process or thinking style that has gone unchecked and has grown large enough to affect how you see things. You have sadness in you over some commitment you may have made but possibly see the issue as inconsequential (husband amused) when really it is something that needs to be held and hugged.

Many people are raised with the message that we are to be strong and roll with the punches. If we don't let anything bother us our troubles will be few. This works well in theory but our inner child never gets addressed and that sadness stays with us affecting our peace of mind. You may have to ask yourself exactly what messages you got growing up about life and how you are 'supposed' to handle it that may no longer serve you. That may have contributed to you feeling self conscious and that are affecting how you see yourself and the world. Ask what it is and you will start down the path of healing your past hurts you have picked up along the way.

[astralwanderer]

I was considering what it might be and came across an article that said anxiety disorders have been found to be linked to narcissistic abuse in childhood. I have generalized anxiety disorder that does affect my functioning from time to time...as well as a history of abuse by my narcissistic mother. I have forgiven her and we are working to have a relationship now (with boundaries, of course), but perhaps I am worried about my psyche.

As well, maybe I can move on and learn to live free from this sometimes crippling anxiety. For instance, anytime I get in the car to travel an hour or more, if the kids aren’t traveling with me, I kiss them goodbye and get long hugs and study all their features, afraid it is the last time I might see them. (And so on... it really is pathetic.)

I had agreed last night to go see my new niece this morning in a hospital 70 miles away, but when I woke up it was pouring rain, and I almost didn’t go. I had to force myself to go.

Your interpretation gives me hope that maybe one day I can conquer this, if I can figure out the cause (obviously from childhood).

Thank you.

[Michelle11]

Hmm, why do you see it as pathetic? I recommend investigating that angle a bit more. I have struggled with anxiety. I have been able to function by refusing to acknowledge it. I had it but pretended I didn't even though if I was honest I spent my life feeling fear of everything and everyone all the time. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that it was tied to our fight/flight response and essentially chronic anxiety is a sign our brain is caught in constant fight/flight. Essentially we feel threatened by life. From the sounds of it you have a good reason. But when this happens as a child, we condition our brain without realizing it. It becomes a part of how we respond to life and something that seems normal for us. I thought I was born that way until I realized that my father's hyper focus on all that was wrong and his angry tone is what caused me to fall into chronic fear, not me.

This is not about blaming our parents but understanding the how and why so that we can see we are no longer under our parents rule and we can make different choices for ourselves but that includes giving ourselves a break and embracing that innocent child we were that spent our early life afraid and threatened all the time. It occurred to me that somewhere along the line it was no longer safe for me to be human and I felt the tremendous sadness of that. So maybe try to rephrase your anxiety away from being pathetic to something more compassionate towards yourself. They suggest that we talk to ourselves how we would talk to a friend or child who simply doesn't know better. You may have forgiven your mother but you may have to forgive yourself as well.