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  #11  
Old 19-06-2022, 09:06 PM
SyFoster SyFoster is offline
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Again, thanks for your time and input, asearcher. Everything you said makes a lot of sense, and I myself have thought very similar things about the situation.

I’m just at the point where even having a semi regular, purely sexual/physical encounter with her would make my life better. As I’ve said, she’s physical perfection; and has goddess-level sexual talent.

At this point, having her in any way would be better than not having her at all. Even if that means secretive physical encounters, after which she would go back to her current life and man.
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  #12  
Old 20-06-2022, 04:59 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Well I can't imagine why you're missing that! (Just kidding, bad joke I know). Could it too be something else besides physical I mean? That perhaps in your past while she cheated that the one she cheated with god a kind of superior position and you the inferior? And this time around you want the superior one? I don't know if it is the same guy she is with now that she cheated with before, or a new guy, but i f a new guy, or perhaps a gal who am I to know, then he is innocent, no and should not fall victim of the same hurt that you went under? But I know, I know, this is just your imagination and wish belief and that don't hurt no one, but still. Maybe just a reflection that there is yet another motive behind you would be satisfied just getting that sexual part? You don't have to answer any of this of course, perhaps I am being too intrusive and if so I apologize. Either way wishing you good healing still naturally.
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  #13  
Old 20-06-2022, 01:31 PM
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Nah, not a bad joke; it made me laugh.
It’s definitely more than physical. I honestly want her back fully and completely, in a long-term, committed relationship. However, I realize that the odds are highly against that, because that rests on her; and means she would have to acknowledge, accept, and embrace who she really is. And for her, that would be monumental and extremely difficult.

She’s still with the same guy she cheated on me with, and left me for. Me wanting her sexually has nothing to do with him at all (I’m not trying to prove something to him or myself, I don’t see him in a ‘superior’ position, etc). If she and I started up something physical secretly, I wouldn’t care if he never found out about it. If he did eventually find out and was hurt, great. But that’s not my motive for wanting her. He’s a complete phony who comes off to the unknowing as ultra-nice & thoughtful, soft spoken, etc. And he presents himself as a devout Christian. When, in reality, he is the exact opposite.

So, no, there really isn’t another motive behind me wanting to have a purely sexual relationship with her. She could continue the façade and fake life she has with him; while she and I could have a lot of fun whenever she had some free time. Perhaps that makes me sound shallow. I’m not. I just love her, miss her, and desire her so much; and I realize she most likely would be capable of enjoying a secret fling with me. That would be more likely than her just dropping him completely and coming back to a full relationship with me.

And if we could get some intensely intimate time alone together, perhaps I could talk with her and slowly try to help her face her issues and deal with them. And if not, and it remained purely physical encounters-well, as I said, she is mind blowing in that area.

You aren’t being intrusive at all. Feel free to say or ask anything. I appreciate all the input.
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  #14  
Old 20-06-2022, 03:17 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Good I was not being intrusive then, thanks for liking my poor joke :) I hope you get together with her in a committed relationship if that is what you desire, but perhaps she needs to go on this road alone at first? Or maybe I just believe in happy fairy tales, no but seriously I do hope she will grow from this and when the times comes that you are both ready then.

I can't speak for all women and men of course but the little experience I do have, I have to say some males impress me as they seem to be processing cheating quite differently than some women I know and you seem to be one of them. With the few experiences, me included, it has been more kill, kill and then kill some more (emotionally wise, not truly) but with some guys I know they want to work it out some time after, thinking where did I or we go wrong and so forth. Makes me think some women out there are really lucky in that sense. That they got guys who are willing to take them back after all.

Oh I think I know what type of voice you're referring too, that was perhaps why I got this glimpse of a "gal" because usually it is "gals" that speak that particular way, I know of one celebrity that does, it is suppose to be sweet but it comes out slow and phony somehow, not the real nature, and has religion as a background. I can't write her name here. But then when it goes of to a guy speaking that way it remind me of a child molester's way of talking, from a documentary I watched and had to cut short because I could not stand his way of talking among other things. Like you just know it is fake through and through. I always thought though that I was the only one feeling the creepy-vibes when it came to those kind of ways of talking.

Are you one of those truth-tellers? you sort of give that impression. Like frank. Could it be you got too close to her too fast? I used to have a way of doing that and then learned it could be scary so these days I hardly dare to say anything. Those who are not ashamed of themselves, hiding something etc, they don't mind, but if there is something they don't want to face about themselves, it can be. I, at least, learned I could not say some stuff as they too would go "Are you psychic?" (No, I was not, just open 24/7), it was things blunt to me but things not blunt to them that it was blunt to me, if you know what I mean, and then who else would it be blunt too? Scary. Can't have me around. If there is stuff about herself that she is not ready to face could that be why she went from a truth-teller to a phony-teller (with a creepy voice, on top of that)? Sorry to put my nose in it. Guess my way of trying to tell you that I don't think this is about you, like you've already guessed, I guess. I mean, not like that.

Thank you for not thinking I'm intrusive. I am hardly one to comment really on other people's love life given my own, but I still do my best =)

I hope all works out.
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  #15  
Old 20-06-2022, 05:38 PM
SyFoster SyFoster is offline
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Oh, I completely agree. She definitely has to go through some things while away from me and ‘us’. And only she can walk that road. Whether or not we end up together again will be decided on what she goes through and how she responds to it. She’ll ultimately be faced with who she really is, no screens or hiding. At that point she will either regress even further, and turn and run away from it. Or she’ll stand up to it, accept it, and then seek me out.

I understand her, and know her better than she knows herself. She admitted this to me when we were still together. And since she prefers to hide from who she is, I think it bothered her to know that she couldn’t hide it from me-That I knew her and that I loved her simply for who she really is (and who she really is-that’s what she doesn’t want to face or accept). It also bothered her that I knew myself extremely well, and that I didn’t feel the need (that she feels about herself) to be something different or ‘better’. I know exactly why she cheated and left. I suppose it would have been more surprising if she hadn’t; she was just acting her nature.

I am a truth teller, but nothing regarding that happened too fast between us. We were together for over 10 years. And yes, the guy she’s with would be the kind to tell her exactly what she wants to hear; while at the same time filling her head with his surface, shallow, ‘Christian’ ideals-Such as-it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past, Jesus forgives you; You don’t need to understand yourself or change anything, you’re perfect, etc.

I’m far from perfect, but we had no major, relationship-ending issues. I had a few things I should have worked harder on, no doubt. I’d say it was 10% me, 90% her. And her 90% of needing something new to distract her from who she was made her lie, cheat, and leave.
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  #16  
Old 20-06-2022, 08:07 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Yes it has to be in her time, free will, true love. My saying that I come in too close too fast has been when people has said how do you know and even when I can't explain, think it can be intuition, or being open, something. That I have by then come in too close too fast and they are not comfy with that. I have had some really bad experience from this from a former relationship where I after that swore to never go there again. But that that is the part of being a truth teller. Not the speed of your relationship or you wanting to speed things up but I did not make that clear when I wrote I think, just figured I'd explain that.

10 years is a long time. Of course you miss her, I understand. They have studied that the bodies after having had intimate relationship has a physical grief reaction to it because the bodies don't get that it is over, that the bodies has become dependent on each other, they don't want to be rid of each other. Could too maybe explain the missing part?

If you only needed to work on yourself 10% and she the rest 90% I can sort of relate that she would have felt it was too hard and too much for her, or that she felt "Frankensteined", but could also be I see this from my own personal experiences from my marriage. Like my husband wanted me "Frankensteined" in that wanted me to be what he thought his dream woman was, no doubt, a perfectionist, weight a certain weight (not caring what I wanted to weight or what was my comfy-weight) etc. Not saying you did any of that to her, just saying that it is a terrible feeling when you don't feel good enough for someone you love being just the way you are. That sometimes we just need people to love us for who we are, despite what ever faults we have and know we have but might not even care that we have them. I for starters never wanted to be a perfectionist, and only tried to become one to get some peace in the home and to feel I measured up. In the end it turned around for me when karma hit back on him when I did not think he was good enough for me because of how he made me feel. He has worked on himself and don't do that to me no more, but I still remember that feeling and I am careful to read my own signs so I won't end up there again. He was brought up this way and it was normal to him and he was also driven by another energy force than what I was. He says he is still waiting and hoping for that missing part of me to come back to him, so damage has been made. Never mind that.

I have been told that there has been done black magic on me by someone in the past but I don't know if it was a particular ex I was thinking about having done that. To my knowing he was not religious or spiritual or both, but he somehow got fascinated with what it now he thought I had during our relationship when he had before put me through all sorts of hell before because of it. He could have had some knowing about it before we even met but then made it sound as if it was only someone else he knew that was into it, what it now was that person was into. I just know he tried to take me to places of spiritual meaning but not sure his intention were good.

(deleted a part)

I think however that some spells seem to be good prayers and in so are not manipulative in the way that some others are for my taste, that there is good magic and dark magic. Perhaps one needs to be on the other side of it to understand what it feels like, and if this is what happened to me, it would be the wrong thing to do to her and to you too. I am still in conflict what exactly did happen.

But trust me if you want her back, even just physically, than that is not the way to go. If you really love HER than it is HER you want, not her under some spell because than it ain't really her.

Also my memory has been really played with somehow, could be suppressed memories but also could be because in some circumstances of the black magic. I know all of this may sound like fiction and fear talking to some or to most, and I am like I mentioned before still in conflict about what all this means.

I am sure there is a part of her that misses you too or else she would not have been with you for 10 whole years. Perhaps if things just calm down a bit and there is enough time she will come around, hopefully. Perhaps if she knows you still love her and miss her?

Last edited by asearcher : 21-06-2022 at 04:31 AM.
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  #17  
Old 20-06-2022, 09:02 PM
SyFoster SyFoster is offline
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No, I wasn’t anything like your husband. I loved her then (and still love her) for exactly who she is. I didn’t want or need her to change anything about herself. Not physically, mentally, not anything. She was, and is, perfect to me as she already is, flaws and all. I wouldn’t care if she gained 50 lbs or lost 50 lbs. I wouldn’t care if she shaved her head or grew her hair down to her lower back.
I wouldn’t care if she was emotionally perfect, or emotionally unpredictable, being up and down from one week to the next. She was, and is, perfection to me-with zero effort.

After thinking more about it though, I have no intention of trying any spells or magick regarding her. I love her too much to do anything like that. I will simply continue loving her, thinking good thoughts about her, remembering her; and just hope that one day, somehow, she will find her way to me, to us.
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  #18  
Old 21-06-2022, 04:37 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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That is beautiful you did, do that. Just saying even if you don't feel like that is what impression you gave her does not mean she still could have interpret it like that, even if that would sound crazy to you.

My husband had and I think still has but working on them, insecurity issues within himself, then projected on to me, that is a way, not always, some insecure people play it in romantic relationships, the need to feel control because it is scary to love someone, I guess. I did know he love me so that was why I could not understand that part. I never tried to change him regarding looks, weight, what ever. I had this saying before love them or leave them. And that I did not believe a man could be changed except when a baby. So I did not go there. He went there. If, I was someone who chose my battles and then I didn't go up face like he did me.

He, Mr Perfect, also actually had a problem with anxiety (that he did not know about) and I suspect a period before in our relationship a depression that went under the radar, that he did not want to talk or do anything about. If, when I asked if he was depressed he would just go no. It was as if he was looking outwards where he thought the problems were and not inwards where it actually was, it was how he was interpreting our reality or how he looked at me.

I left him once because he put me down, my weight, and this at a time where I did not feel like loosing weight, I think I was slightly overweight at the time. But when we had met I was underweight and struggled to gain weight. But one time he even got on one of his crazy diets, some toxic free stuff I don't know what the hell that was, and made me go on it too as he always wanted us to do this thing together, only when I got on the scale I realized I was not even overweight, I was normal weight plus his crazy diet was only suppose to be for a short period as it lacked nutrition the body needed so I went off it immediately and told him But I am not overweight and I like my body the way it is. Why are you trying to convey to me that I am not good enough he way I am? The only toxic I need to be free of is yours.

But he was always worried about my health somehow but I was doing just fine so I think it had to be looks then, I did not look good enough then somehow. He would say stuff to me like that he thought I had a good looking body but if I went to the gym and worked out this part of that part, then it would be so great, beautiful, I suppose. He always wanted improvements or to keep up some work on some body parts of his own. I only always told him I loved him no matter what he would work on or not work on and no matter the weight. But I think my words were drowned out, not important. He was so focused on his thing and that world and I drifted astray from that, had never been part of it in the first place.

Even people at work would see how my natural glow, me being comfy in my body no matter my weight went missing, I think that was my confidence that I thought every human being should have despite, but I slowly did not have it no more because of him. As a result too I lost interest in the intimate part like I never had before, and that he felt, worried him. I think the intimate part is not so much how the bodies look like but how you make your partner feel about herself or himself, that is what is passion, that is what is perfect. It's in the head, sexuality, and how we look at someone we love.

He would say later on that all he wanted was to get closer to me, for us to work out together, be together, do these (crazy...) diets together, but it backfired. I also thought maybe he wanted me to be more of his ex, this beautiful work out female.

I was being brainwashed, subtly and bluntly for years by his narc parent too, where my husband did not protect me enough from, so I began to feel as if they saw it as if my husband was superior (perfect) and the narc-parent believed it's family was too, and I was not, but that his ex was, and that he should be someone like him, not with someone like me. It was terrible. Just for the hell of it the narc-parent would call me by a different name, not even my own and then pretend? as if the parent just confused the names. You don't confuse the names after all that time unless you are really old and senile perhaps.

I used to have a good shield against all that so it took years before that crumbled and their toxic reached me. What I did to strengthen me was that I began to create and hold on and do more of things that had to do with my own life, my own friends, my own interests, my own activities away from my husband and his narc parent etc, and that whole structure as I could see the narc parent wanted my role to be inferior in the family, where as I could tell I was still the old me, the old me before I met my husband and all that began, outside of this family. I was still being loved or liked for who I was, what I could do, what I did do "out there".

There were protests as I was withdrawing, even from his narc-parent, but I was withdrawing because the one who was suppose to give me love and support and protection, my so called husband, did not convey that to me in ways I needed. I needed him to show his love for me in a different way, to fill what was empty. All of this was a process that I was not even fully aware off while I was in it. I only knew I was hurting in the relationship and that it felt as if 2 people with insecurities, the narc parent and my husband, was trying to step on me in order to feel better about themselves and their family and that I did not belong there or the work I had to do to improve my low status was too hard and not something I felt like doing anyways. Why would I? I could be with people that enjoyed me and liked me for who I was already. What would I do there? There were things they thought were traditional family times that I decided to be with my friends and their families instead. They had done triangulation to me in the past so I had no feeling of quilt, even if they wanted to quilt trip me, not to do that back in their faces. I wasn't having it no more. It was fresh air coming back into my lungs again. I was finding back to myself. I had sold myself too short, bit by bit, thinking of family and so on. It was only ideal, in my head, and not how these people were role cast. I think one of the best moments I had was when I said what is so superior about your family? I don't want to be part of your family.

We hardly have any sort of contact anymore with the narc-parent and my husband has realized fully now the damage the narc-parent has done to me, lots of things behind his or ours back as well, defaming etc. Just plain out lies with a spice of truth in them so that other people I had not even met yet were suppose to have that image of me and not like me. But they did like me and was to later warn me what the narc-parent was up to.

I remember I had been so brainwashed, put down, that when other guys showed interest in me, even if they now could see I had ring on and I did not flirt with them, I was genuinely surprised, even if that had been the deal before too, before I even met my husband. When I look back at photos I can see that I was pretty, just like others would tell me I was. It was very rare back then that my husband would give me compliments but he had no trouble giving me nonsense-critique, while I was the other way around. I know he did not come from a home where the one mainly raising him would give compliments, but point out what was seemingly wrong without a problem, like a stain you could not see with your eyes even if not really looking, on clothes.

My husband has taken accountability for where he went wrong in the past, went into therapy during our split before, still now working on himself.

Besides from yourselves, you don't have any family, relative that did not go along well with her or might have done something to her behind your back? Just saying if so then it is important to take that seriously and not leave it up to her to "work out" (like how was I suppose to work anything out with a narc-parent-in-law? It's impossible). For me it went to a length that I was starting to see the narc-parent and my husband as one and the same and let's not go with how relieved I felt when it was over between us that I did not have to deal with that narc-parent-in-law no more.

My husband claimed he was not aware of these things and try to point at all the other ways he tried to show me he loved me. I still have my scars from that though, can't be helped. I think if and when I see he has truly changed my guard will be let down but til then each time I let it down I get vulnerable and I get hurt, so then it goes up again to a level where I can take it and not be hurt at least. I will never go back to who I used to be. Never. Not for his sake or anyone else's. I'm looking out for myself now, the way he should have looked out for me. I should not had to have gone through any of this, he did this to me, when all I had done was to love him. He has apologized and so on, cried etc. Never wanted to loose me. Begging for a new chance.

These beautiful words you write here about her, do you think that could be something you could convey to her so then she knows? Maybe she thinks you look at her a different way? But that is all up to you of course. Maybe it is important for her that she knows? You had 10 years together, she must have loved you. You've must have had many good memories.

Good I think you're not doing the whole spell thing, really good if you ask me :)

Last edited by asearcher : 21-06-2022 at 05:35 AM.
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  #19  
Old 21-06-2022, 01:18 PM
SyFoster SyFoster is offline
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Wow, your ex sounds like he has some major issues; someone like that shouldn’t be in a relationship until they work on themselves first. It seems as if he didn’t want to confront his own problems, so instead of trying to understand and fix himself, he projected it all on you, and tried to ‘fix’ (or change) you.
Also, with his diets and weight concerns, it’s as if he was so scared of confronting his own internal issues, that he instead became obsessed with external things.
Your line “The only toxin I need to be free of is yours”, was both true, and funny.

His parent sounds awful. And it’s terrible that he was telling you to go to the gym to make body parts look different, or ‘better’.
How long were the two of you together. If you don’t mind me asking, what was your height/weight that he didn’t like?

When I first got together with my ex, she wasn’t fat or chubby, but had a nice amount of weight on her that made her thick. She looked great. As the years passed she lost a small amount of weight and toned up a bit more. She was slim, but curvy, and still looked great. The last time I saw her (over a year after she left) she was extremely thin, almost bony-looking. I’m not sure what happened, but she looked tired, stressed, a lot older.

For the first 3 or 4 years, we were both equally sexual and had a very active sex life together. Then, the last couple years before she left, she totally lost interest (yet nothing had changed, except in her mind). We actually went an entire year without having sex. And after that, it didn’t happen often. If I ever tried to initiate it, she would seem irritated. Finally, she just started accusing me of only being interested in her for sex, and nothing else. And that was totally and completely not true. It was during this time that she also grew to resent me because I was happy with me, with her, with our life. And she needed distraction to keep her from confronting her own problems. She tried two different times to start a new career (school, studying, passing tests, getting certified); but they didn’t work. Once she saw that, I think that is what sent her in the direction of a new guy.

My family liked her, and she liked them.
As for currently, she won’t even respond to a text or email. I texted her last winter to tell her that our dog (that she had bought, that had lived with us for years before she left, and that came with me when we split) had died. She didn’t respond at all, not even “I’m sorry”. And the last time I saw her, a couple years ago, she walked right past me, barely made eye contact, and said nothing.
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  #20  
Old 22-06-2022, 05:54 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi, edited so this is second version.
Ah yes I was thinking if there were any warning signs before your ex cheated but I understand one does not want to see that and there is always that feeling of hope til no more.

I've had that experience too with someone else (not romantic) that that person thought if it only did this or that it would be happy but then once there wasn't, but then still did not understand it was looking for external fix on what was internal, just like you wrote was her problem at the time.

That is strange that she did not reply to the text message about your dog. It's a bit harsh. Then again I don't fully know the circumstances of why she would do that. Perhaps her number or cellphone is being watched by her current? Could be? that she did not dare to respond even? Is that possible you think? (I know because my cellphone has been more my husband's cellphone than mine so). I had an ex and we later got to be friends as in temporarily contact just because we knew the few of the same people, I knew where to draw the line but my line, my boundary was way too generous thought my husband and so I was very much aware of that and because I did not want to loose him I would tell the ex/friend that he could not contact me no more. When he later in life got in trouble I felt awful about that because it wasn't really my style. He reached out one final time because at the time they didn't know what it was, he had gotten sick, and he just wanted me to know my prior importance in his life. I still feel bad about that. It wasn't me. It was my fear. I did not handle that well. Wish I could have gone back in time and done it differently. I had no romantic feelings of him left but I did still appreciate parts of our old relationship, the good he gave, the good he was. Just thinking maybe her hands are tied, maybe it is not that she alone would have minded replying?

Was she perhaps too safe in your relationship? You being too stable of a guy? If you come from drama and trauma if you have not fixed that you are going to seek out someone who will not treat you right as that is "home" to you, tragic really. You've accepted that as your boundaries has been moved in a way it shouldn't be in the first place by your parents.

Oh I'm happy you at least did not have parent in law issues and that she was treated well by your folks.

Yes I am sure if she is that thin now and you've known her not to be this way all the time before could mean she is not happy as she is not in her comfy weight, that something is truly a burden to her in her life.

It sounds to me as if it was trauma the whole break up, understandably, even worse so when cheating, do you think you have healed the proper way from that? Sometimes when there is so much going on in too short a time and we are caught up in it, we can sort of think we have healed after it all, but have done so the best we could at the time, but really there are still just ugly stitches from that ? That is how it has been with me though. I had to go back and correct it so I could move on.

Or are you still in a way connected with her too, as in you at times get a glance of her feelings, essence? Meaning some parts of you are connected either through trauma but could also be because you have things in common and are moving in the same frequency regarding that? (I think I have had that happen)


Sorry I wrote so much about myself, sometimes or well most of the time I get too wrapped up with my own stuff. This thread was suppose to be about you and what you are going through. But now while we're on the topic ;) yes, he unfortunately was still chained down by his narc-family-ways and blind to what he was trying to pass on or at least to the toxic in it. He is working on himself now though.

Thanks for finding that line funny and to the point. Yes, thank you, that parent is. It does not bother me like it used to though. (deleted the rest I wrote first).

I understand you still love her but no matter how this will end I am just hoping you too are looking out for yourself and know that you too deserve to feel love in return and to function in a stable, happy relationship with someone, and not settle for just an intimate relationship when you want more.

Last edited by asearcher : 22-06-2022 at 09:28 PM.
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