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Old 10-06-2021, 02:14 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
Back again with this....

I remember (but I have always remembered this scene) when I was in the shower and I began to cry hysterically and holding my hands over my mouth as nobody would hear. I did it right after I had had a flashback of my first ex (who was my first everything and who had treated me just right until the break up). The flashback was from the last evening we were a couple. I was occupied with something (we were making dinner) and he reached out to kiss me on the side of my head and I was so used to it that in that I was so used to his warmth. A touch of intimacy.

I never until then knew why I had the flashback when I had it (as in standing in the shower of my then new fiances home) but now I understand what I was truly missing in this other unhealthy relationship was intimacy, as in giving loving, subtle physical signs of affection.

I watched a video on you tube yesterday. It is done with a slight undertone of humor as the presenter of the video talk as if he is a narcissist but the message is still serious. He hit home right with what I had been missing or thought was strangely abscent but could not find the words for it in the unhealthy relationship. Now, the professionals would later decide that the man in this unhealthy relationship had psycopathic signs written all over him but in some ways they kind of go together narcissism and psychopath, I guess? Certain streaks in common. What the guy who made the video talked about was that they are unable to give nor understand the precious gift of intimacy.

I can easily say now looking back that he felt at best when feeling in charge, powerful, dominant, when tasting fear in the object or humiliation because that was all I think I was for him, and that is how I think he looked at everyone - as objects, not as human beings who deserved mutual respect. He had had a sexual relationship only with another woman (which he had not told me about, i found out that by myself) before we got involved. I think the only needs he had for a relationship was to show to the surrounding that he was "normal". It was hard for me to understand why someone so selfish would have any desire to be a dad but he had and he kept and planned to impregnant me without my say so. Could too be because he knew then he could control me through the child.

To my advantage I had before been in what had been for years a stable, loving relationship - with the guy who just plant a kiss on my head in my flashback. I kept having those flashbacks and had I not been in that kind of relationship before I think I would have had less of a chance to understand that there was something seriously wrong. It was pretty much as if his hand was reaching out to grab mine in a thick fog. It was so cold in that fog. I lost myself in that fog. His hand was warm. It was only a memory but he was my backbone and I will be forever grateful for that.

One lady in the hospital profession, I remember, she was getting too close to the truth. She asked me how was our love life (the unhealthy relationship). I just answered not so good. Adding naturally when nothing else was good either. I never report him. Had I said the word rape the procedure would have been different, no doubt.

Another thing that has too hit home is really how it takes time when you have been used to someone else controlling you or trying too.

I distinctly remembered the time he called to talk to me and told me he thought it was a good idea if we just took a break. This was at a time when I could not hide to the world how unhappy I was. I instead suggested we could do a break up thing, but he again and again said no he did not want that, just a break. As if I needed his permisson for us to break up!!! but that was what I thought back then!!! So weird!! I knew what I wanted already in the conversation, I wanted a break up. I was relieved that he at least wanted a break, that I was "allowed" to get a break from him and be, live somewhere else. During he made contact but the only contact I was interested in was to have a date and time, an agreement when I could get my clothes and stuff back but throughout he kept refusing me. He still would not accept the word break up.

I knew that if I returned a third time there would be no more of me. I would not have the strenght. It was a fight of my life. Of my mental state. THis is a part that is difficult to explain. It is not about love. It is about mentally breaking down another person. I think Tina Turner said it best with the title "What's love got to do with it?" answer nothing. That is only a mask, the real face underneigh that love-mask is ugly.

Another thing I did during this relationship was that when I understood that I was dealing with a human being who was not normal that I had to figure out what it was about me that he found "attractive". I then had to change that so he would loose interest and let me go. I remember he would get easily bored. I have now even checked on that and that can one of the signs. So I would make myself as bore as I could be. Because I knew by then how dangerous it could be to have someone like him be dumped (I had dumped him once but then as already brain washed I had been I returned and I shouldn't have, that was hell part 2, way worse than hell part 1) I had to wait. I too was going around like some zombie really. I was being pushed down so effectively that I did not have the strenght to get up and go. Too I knew too it is never get up and go with that kind of an individual.

Last edited by asearcher : 10-06-2021 at 07:19 PM.
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Old 11-06-2021, 04:37 AM
Traveler Traveler is offline
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 36
We can have trauma in this life and from previous lives energetically embedded in our etheric/energy body and physical body that can manifest as pain or disease. An energy healer can help dissolve that trauma. The reiki sessions will bring up emotions connected to that trauma allowing you to release them. I would recommend that you look into Reiki and maybe be attuned so you can do reiki on yourself. If you google 'Reiki Shares' you might find some in your area. This is a group of people who get together on a regular basis to give reiki to each other as well as invited guests and public when they have open shares. Diane Stein's Essential Reiki will give you a full understanding of reiki, the symbols and how to do reiki healing.

When looking for a therapist, be sure to find one that has a speciality in PTSD.

It also might benefit reading up on narcissists.

There are a couple of other books I would like to recommend:

Joseph Weed "Wisdom of the Mystic Masters"
Robert Bruces "Astral Dynamics"
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Old 12-06-2021, 06:12 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
Thank you very much Traveler. I have looked it up and there is a reiki not too far away. I have googled and been watching you tube videos now on it. All the recommendations you made I truly appreciate it and will dig into it, thank you =)
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Old 12-06-2021, 06:29 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
There is one thing that too come to mind. Hopefully it can help someone out there or if someone knows anyone that they think have changed in this manner please be on the watch...

to me it was that I got more distant, I had this shield around me. I had a poor attitude in that I was - I'm trying to find the right words for this and it ain't that easy. OK if you know young women who at the disco toss their hair around and have a kind of I'm-all-that, like I am superior to other girls, women here...or something like that. You know the attitude? But they're really insecure? And they look but they don't see? You don't get that connection with them? when your eyes meet them, it is as if there is a shield in the way? Their lips are sealed? I don't know what other reference to take so I am just hoping I am not offending anyone out there.

Now I was not tossing my hair around. I was not thinking I was all that. But i had closed the door. I had closed the door on everyone around me. It was to keep them safe. You know? Because I knew who I was dealing with (him) and they didn't so I had to keep them "out there". Those who knew me during this period said I had changed. It used to make me feel guilt as if they thought I thought I was better than them or that I did not care about them. But I cared about them very, very much. And I missed them. But I had to keep them out there. To not go through those doors.

There were certain attempts. I remember he would put a close and truth-teller kind of a friend of mine down. He would later tell me he could not believe we were friends and "just look at her", as if there was something wrong with her and it was nothing wrong.

All the same it was his world that I was quickly invited into and there were parts and people from my life that I had closed doors to not because I had forgotten about them or was playing I was all that but because I was protective. I did not buy into it is what I am trying to say, but it was a way for me to say OK I'm playing your game just to keep him more on the carpet but at the same time I did not do it for him, I did it because I had seen through his game and I had to protect them.

so I guess what I wish to say about that is that if you notice such a change in someone in your surrounding please know it is not what it can appear to be like. It is one of the warning signs. It was with me, anyways.

this kind of experience would help me later on in life. There was a woman who had all those visible symptoms I use to walk around with and I would try to get eye contact, and just contact with her but I guess I knew it was hopeless because I use to be like that myself. Anyways I still kept my eyes on her and the situation and yes, she was in trouble. I can't say any more than that than I made sure he knew I knew and WE knew - because when his eyes met mine I stared right into them, not out of fear because I was not about to let him frighten me but because I felt I had to do it, that what he was up to was not invisible, and it was not private and that we were on to him. This is so not a man-woman thing, the way I see it is that some men use a knife to cut vegetables with and some to hurt or kill someone with. It is all with the free will what one wish to use the tool for. I can't cut it out of the quotation that a male body often is built after it's meant structure which then means it is usually stronger than a female's body, in my case no question about that. I still view love making as a beautiful act and too if you just relax a bit you can at the same time have a spiritual experience and go with the flow but just like the knife it can be abused, misused in the wrong hands.

Last but not least , and this can be a bit tricky too, it is that it felt as if he gave me jewerly and stuff to impress others. I had not asked for it. It was a bit too much but I did not want to be ungrateful either. Too he would before we got together, while and after talk to others in our surrounding, those he could manipulate, one of them being a dear friend of mine, and so when I made only one attempt to talk to her, as my friend, not as his or as ours, but my friend, it backfired as she began to defend him and because I saw her open her mouth and do that so fast I did not dare to say anything else. I guess I would say please just listen. It would be that I wou ld take one step forward but I would be yanked or by myself out of fear take like 10 steps back, but to just make that one step, if that is done that step can be huge. And please don't loose patience when dealing with someone in that situation, I know it is hard not to because one does not understand how hard it can be.

The things given to me was to make him look good in front of others. It felt more like a strap around my neck than an actual beautiful gift. And I remember the time he said "You ungrateful...so and so (Blip, blip)". Someone that he had only had a sexual fling with had had feelings for him or even took his defence or was envious or something, not sure what but even that one spoke saying he gave you everything!
Gifts are usually given in some form but it should be given with not the glow on the giver or to be expected to have something in return. I apologize if I don't explain this very well.

Last edited by asearcher : 12-06-2021 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 14-06-2021, 10:48 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
The group thing

My recent words above has caused me to some hours at a day ever since I wrote it left me kind of shaky on the inside, nervous. I have remembered more than when I first began this thread. So those hours are like a feeling of anxiety and it has been a struggle to me not to jump ahead and write the administrators on the forum and ask them to please take down this last part as in my head I think even if I have unidentified the people involved in this once when it all went down that somehow, in some way someone will recognize my true identity and he will be back. Then there is this other part of me that says NO, this will STAY. This HAPPENED. He can't hurt you no more. They can't hurt you no more. It STAYS. Now it is getting better, the feeling of anxiety is not here no more. I have read through the words again and kind of take it for what it is.

About they...brings me to think about the surrounding, the group of people, how important it is that they are made of the quality that they can deal with this. If there is only one, that one person to just validate your sense of reality in the mad situation you are in, that can be enough. They don't have to do anything, just believe.

And again this make me think of the group thing...in my first relationship, first romance the boyfriend developed over time a drinking problem. I was closest to him. I had earlier experience of this within my family. I knew. I knew what this was. But in his world. His family. His friends. Our friends. They did not want to see. I would even try to trick him. I would try to make him look at other women while he was drunk, just so I could have a story. Just so I could say the way you looked at that woman (even if it was me saying oh you gotta look at her she got such beautiful legs) I did not like that and this is because you are drinking too much. I was desperate for a story. This because he was not abusive to me, when drinking, when sober. He was so kind through and out his very skin, his very soul, when he looked at me that it was getting frustrading. He just looked at me and said Hey, I'm not falling for that one, I'm looking at you. One other time I got so desperate I took his wallet and I threw it out and while doing so I actually said "Go, fetch!" as if he was a dog. (I still can't believe I did that). He had temper they said (and he would tell me too that in the past he had to get help because his temper was so bad they thought, when he was younger) but even if drunk or sober he would not give it to me, and I needed my story. I needed something to say see, now it has gone overboard, will you please go to rehab? I loved him too much to just sit and watch him kill himself slowly. I couldn't be in the audiance no more and just look on. One time I do remember he stoped what ever I was doing. I was calling him stupid during an argument, fight, and he stepped in with his voice, getting so strong and said NO, we're not doing that. I don't appreciate you calling me stupid. I'm gonna let it slide, this time only, but if you ever repeat that word to me - the door is there. You come to me when you have something real to say, not before. You got me?" so that was him putting his foot down. And that stoped me. Completely. So he was very hard to get a story out of, something that would make the group join me, some proof I would have of how abusive he was or what danger he put himself or me in (he always drove sober even if people tried to push him not to).

I remember how the group tried to be enables and trying to change my perception of reality, my opinion. And I remember how confused it would for some time make me feel but then I would always get back to my own belief as I always knew anyhow, it was just that I did not know quite where I had them, they sure did not stand by me. Could be they thought they stood by him but they were not making him a favor, they were only postponing the problem, enable it to continue and to get worse. I needed help. I needed support from the group. I subject myself to the great risk of loosing him during our arguments, fights of his drinking and trying to make him see and get him help. And get him to accept help.

I will never know why he chose to dump me when he did but I would always have my theories. I would think and overthink it and remember every second of it. My bottom line theory is that he was trying to push me down just a little bit so that he could have both - he could still keep me, but with lower self esteem, the sacrifise I would have to pay for loving him too much, and too keep his drinking ways. But I was way dissapointed in him to play that game. Some time after the break up he would call me dead drunk and I knew everything we had done before was just down the drain. He was back with his ways and now I was out of the picture and could not do or say anything about it, but I remember that the group's effect on me was so great that I never dared to say "he is an alcoholic" or "he drinks too much too often" or anything else about it. Too I would tell myself I did not know as I was no longer close to him. All I got was those phone calls, maybe I was on his list and too his second grade teacher, who knows. Who knows how many he called when he was like that. It was never no flirtation going on with him as he called, he always had a mission, he was always a gentleman but there were those moments, those unguard when I overheared him say "..my..." and my name right after and it hurt me right in the throat. As I knew it had been such a long time before, so much had happened in our lives (separately) and he only called me "My.." (and my name) when we were a couple, like way before. And so I would pretend, for his sake, I hadn't heard it. I still get tears in my eyes just writing about it and it is that long ago. I never asked him about it. I never told anyone. Could very well be he would have forgotten he had ever called, that he had a black out. I wasn't one to mention it.

Anyways, it was as if the group's hand was over my mouth and I wouldn't dare to say anything about it. In order to still be part of the group I would have to adapt and I couldn't do it. So I was not just fighting for his wellbeing, I was fighting them too and there was this struggle in my head on what to say, what not to say, to keep or let go of my experience of reality, what had truly and was happening. So that was that experience with the group.

I think he tried to give me validation when he did go to rehab because he insisted he wanted to see me (we had both moved on long before that) and I said I couldn't (in respect of my then current) and finally the agreement was met we would talk on the phone. Before that I said, through the people we both knew, that it was alright, to just give the message I was happy for him and wished him all the best. But he wanted to talk. So finally we talked. He said I was the first person he talked to and I made a joke saying oh I'm the first oh we better hurry up he has a long list to go through (or something like it) and he laughed at me (we used to have a kind of tough humor sometimes but we both got it, others on the outside might not) and I went serious and said that no I was really proud of him he was doing this, and so on. But I only talked to him as a friend, nothing else. It is not until now such a long time after I think he was trying to validate my reality, and pretty much say you know you were right, you tried real hard to save me, you took a great risk, and you deserve to get the first talk. Or something like it. But I don't know, just a theory of mine.

The second and more painful experience (because of the crime) with the group was in the relationship where there was sexual assault taking place. I have to get back to the "dear" friend I thought I had who remind me very much of how the psychiatrist in video link below would portray the enablers. I would get a feeling of fainting each time just a thought came in my head that I would do this, come clean about what had happened. I was afraid of the consquences, of not being believed. I knew it would not hold in court or I feared it would not.

So this video is for those who has been or is in my shoes of experiences the enables, the group.

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Old 16-06-2021, 04:34 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
I've been watching Dr Ramani video clips (you tube) on narcissism and would like to recommend those too. Some things that hit home is that in a very stressful situation/s what I remember the feeling being was that I was watching myself as if I was out of myself, at a safe distance. She brings that topic up and explain too what I too had, still have from the relationship which is the memory gaps. I can remember safe moments that is moments with other people around. Around those he would perform. New people - best thing ever, but then he got easily and quickly bored. I never understood why someone who treated those closest to him as if he could not care less (but still was very manipulate towards) needed people the way he did. Just another paradox.

As soon as I was withdrawing I got interested again, by his standard. I think this was the reason in the beginning when he spend a very long time in pursuit of me when I had no interest in him and was not looking to be in a relationship. It was not just him. I just was not ready to go on dates and I remember I enjoyed being single. He was used to getting what he wanted. Too bad I did not stick to it. From what I have learned his kind of behavoir is called love bombing.

At home I remember he would punish me with silence treatment but as soon as I was daring to leave he changed his ways. I think more than anything it was the expectation of something bad, the tensions. It felt as if I was always tense. I knew something was up. I can't ever remember and I don't think he ever put a hand on me. I don't think he had an interest to do that. He could just give me a look, threatening. If I think of the assault it was bad as there then were no bruises then, he did not need too, he was that physically superior.

I am surprised when I think of that he was not violent why he would take to sexual abuse. My only guess is that it is about power and sadism, wanting to be sure to push me under the ice, to be under his control, to hurt me, humiliate me and to get me pregnant.

I don't know how much of this he did by pure will knowingly or if he just act on instict and could not control himself but then again one can always control oneself. From my memories it happened at the late part of the relationship when he was loosing me but too when I was at the weakest stage ever. I don't know what further pleasure he took by pushing me even more down under. I am surprised I made it out. He made sure to afterwards while still holding me trapped telling me how much he loved me. Insane.

I remember one time when I did talk to the woman he had only had a sexual relationship before me. The way she talked was to say that what he had said too before, that they had had a sexual relationship before me. If he did not find anyone of more interest he would give her a sign and she would end up with him for the night. The way both she and he had explained it to me (not together) was that he stoped giving her a sign once I came into the picture. What they (separately) could not understand was how I had figured it out. From the way she talked he had not given her a sign after our break up. I could not care less about that. It was so wrong to watch an intelligent woman let herself be as addicted as she was by him. I remember me finding this out about him during our relationship changed my perspective of him. I could tell he had used her and did not care. While she was still of flesh and blood and cared more. It was just one of those signs of how cold it was to be "near" him.

Last edited by asearcher : 16-06-2021 at 07:10 PM.
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Old 18-06-2021, 05:08 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 274
Back again with another theme which is finances and what i have now understood about narcissism. Only the professionals judged him being on the psychopatic scale, I can't say where one thing differentiate from another.

The way it works is that narcissistic (and psychopaths?) people (now I am using the term in a general way, I know one can move up and down on that scale) uses money for power, for control. I can't link a book about it but there is another of Dr Ramani's youtube video on it that explains:


What I learned is that it was a show to impress others, but that when it came down to holding up a door or giving you a piece of food or just the small things (to me, to others), when he did not guard himself - his image - one could really tell how unwilling he was to give anybody anything. Sad.

I caught a glimpse of how uncaring he treated me he too treated other people that were close in his life and even if I felt like do they know how he speaks about them behind their back? Or are they feeling what I am feeling about his treatment? As sorry as I felt for them I then understood you know what? These are descent people and he is not treating them right. Therefor I too could be a descent person and he is not treating me right either. I think it helped me understand that I was not the one with the problem, but he was.

Thank you for reading

Last edited by asearcher : 19-06-2021 at 04:12 AM.
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