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Old 09-08-2014, 09:46 AM
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succubus? alien? i'm so confused

i'd like to start by saying i'm not a very spiritual person. but my whole life, i've just been...different. from a super young age i was already extremely intelligent. i learned to read and write very young, and have an amazing gift for language. after my parents got divorced my mom became obsessed with wicca. to a degree that at this point makes me really really uncomfortable around wiccans. she taught me how to read cards and such, and i have a crazy gift for it. my mother happened to be extremely mentally ill, but because she was so deep in wicca came to the conclusion that she had magickal power and the government was trying to suppress it. to this day, my mom is extremely uncomfortable with me. i don't look zip like her and i guess i never really felt like she was really my mom, and she never really parented me, and i feel like sometimes she feels i'm not really her kid.
one time she took me to some powerful old wiccan lady. she studied my moms face for awhile and determined that she was an empath, because i was so special my mom wanted her to look at me too, at first she was really excited, i'm not sure what she said i was, but apparently they're extremely rare and powerful. however there was something about her i didn't trust...she just gave me this really bad feeling. as the years went on she got increasingly more hostile to me, and by the time she died my mom had apologized for not listening to my bad feelings about her.
around 6 years old, i became extremely obsessed with sex. i spent a lot of time thinking about it, reading about it, looking for naughty pictures, and masturbating constantly, every day, multiple times a day. to this day i think about it 24/7 and am a very grumpy camper if i hit a dry spell, and the weird part is most of the time i don't enjoy it...it's just like a compulsion. as i was growing up i realized i was insanely good at manipulating people and getting what i wanted...especially from men. i didn't even have to rely on my intelligence to get through school, i could barely do any work, and flash a grin to my teachers and get amazing grades. any man i've ever desired i've been able to sleep with, and many men become drained and depressed after having extended sexual involvement with me. most females cannot stand to be around me, but i've talked several straight women into bed over the years. i don't seem to have an inherent personality. i find that when i spend time with men i start adopting their interests, and hobbies, and styles. not in a close quarters way, but in that i become a radically different person altogether. i get hit on even if i'm just walking around in pajamas or sweatpants, and several men that were perfectly calm people have become violent or insane if i refuse to have sex with them. i'm extremely skilled at picking up on people's moods and emotions and use to adapt my personality to what they need to hear. i have no interest school or work, my only fulfillment comes from pleasing and obeying my partner. because i believed my mom was full of bunk i never really told anyone that apparently i was some kind of special thing, or that i've had visions and can occasionally pick up on people's thoughts. last year my roommates girlfriend came to live with us, she was also hardcore into wicca, which kind of put me on edge, especially because a week after she moved she announced to the entire house that we had to be particularly mindful of me and her because we both had empathic abilities. i was pretty shocked because there's no way she could have known about my past. however as time went by she also became extremely hostile towards me and i noticed that she drew symbols to ward off evil on my bedroom door.
since i've always felt different than everyone else i started doing some research in my down time, and heard about the theory that aliens have been abducting and mating with humans to create alien-human hybrids, because their species cannot reproduce. weirdly enough, i'm completely infertile, and i'm only 22. i also read that hybrids often have loose joints, are hypersexual, and several physical characteristics that i also possess. it's also said that some of them have hypnotic abilities.
a few years ago i was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and my brain kinda latched onto being worried i wasn't human. one night this guy i'd been trying to sleep with came over, and he told me it was weird, like my eyes were really hypnotic. we started kissing and clothes were coming off, when suddenly he jumped up and started pulling his clothes on. he said i was a 'dream wisp' and when i didn't understand he said 'succubus' then he jumped out my second story window
it threw me off, because apparently they're also incapable of reproduction and i seem to feed off sex energy.
about a year and a half ago i started hooking up with this guy...and found i could not manipulate him. and he's a lot like me. he's good at manipulating people and usually gets what he wants. i've come to care about him, and the sex is literally the best i've ever had, and we seem to get stuck in this loop a lot of not being able to let the other go. i really want to know why he's the only one i can't manipulate. .
so if anyone took the time to read this thanks, i just want to know why i'm the way i am or if i'm just being crazy. i don't know much about spiritual stuff though.my dad raised me to be an atheist.
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