I'm Being Tormented by Heartbreak and Don't Know How to Move Forward

[Akhu999]

I'm a gay man and more than 3 years ago I met this guy in the most unlikely of places to meet someone romantically. By all accounts and appearances, it looked like this was a connection/meeting/encounter that was meant to be; there was so much synchronicity that was undeniable and so was the instant attraction between the two of us. Even when we met, the room that I had just moved into the previous week was on the same street he lived on, but that was only one of the many synchronistic things that connected us.

I knew that I had a problem with coming on too strong, being too obvious, having no swag, and over-sharing, which had been the downfall of all of my *potential* relationships in the past. It's the reason I've never been in a relationship...never really feeling good enough for one. I've always felt like I had to chase and have always expected rejection. People always tell me I'm handsome and I did catch myself off guard in a mirror one day and got the chance to see what people were talking about, but I've never held that space, because to me, it doesn't matter how good you look if the right person doesn't acknowledge it and if it doesn't bring about anything long lasting or of substance, and this has proven itself to me time and time again; always being able to catch guys' attention but very quickly repulsing and repelling them after they talk to me long enough.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been called "weird", "strange", "odd", and every other negative thing you can think of including "ugly", "slow", and "stupid", "retarded", by family and people outside of my family. And I experienced romantic rejection very early on...consistently. For this reason, I've always grown up thinking and feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me and that no one wanted me because of it. By the time I was in Highschool, all I did was fantasize about what it would be like to really be loved by someone who I was really interested in. I was very artistic (even from a child) and so when my grades plummeted, the things that had taken up most of my time was drawing, hopeless romanticizing, and porn. Yea, I became heavily addicted to porn and sexually acting out when I was in Highschool...but was acting out even earlier on than that.

But I noticed that whenever I was I love or really interested in someone, all of that went away, all that mattered was love and wanting to be a better person because of it. I always imagined that if I ever found the right person that I would love very hard, very deeply, and very purely. Sadly, I tried to project this into every guy I was interested in and it always drove them away or turned them off. And I never learned until a few years ago when I experienced a romantic betrayal that cut me to the core and ripped me apart. Not only did I meet this guy on Christmas night, but I'd never been so attracted to someone who checked off so many boxes. Well, this guy ended things with me on Christmas day the following year. Shortly after that, a close friend of mine suddenly passed away and at his funeral was where I met this last man who would break my heart even deeper and rip me into even more pieces. For the sake of discretion, I'll just refer to him here as Damon.

Although me and Damon have never spoken over the phone, slept together, or gone out on dates, we talked about it. We've seen each other in person a few times and have been in the same room, and I've heard things about him from mutual aquaintances and romantic interests, but all of our direct conversations have been over the internet. I played the "take it slow" game with him for a few months, and it seemed to be working well... until one day I broke. I couldn't understand why he had been the one to initiate contact with me, had expressed interest, but was steady keeping me at arm's length. Maybe I had said or done something that gave him pause, because he'd let other guys I knew closer to him. Their interaction with him was tangible. And yet with me, even though we'd talked a lot on and off via social media, we'd never so much as shaken each other's hand. I didn't get it. And observing him very closely on social media, I was afraid to be too assertive because I knew I didn't have some of the things he was looking for. He likes money and I didn't have any, he had a pristine reputation; I didn't, he had a stable career; I didn't, he'd had his first car when he was in Highschool, I'd never even learned how to drive even t a few years older than him, he'd had strong male influence, I didn't, he was very outspoken and cocky, I wasn't, he loved and was so happy with the way he looked that his Facebook page was full of photos of himself, I wasn't, he had popularity while no one knew me and the only popularity I did have was my name being defaced all over my job and across county lines and people were laughing at me and saying I was "weird". He was full of confidence and swagger while I was full of regret, guilt, shame, and insecurities.

Some of the things he would say on social media would cut me to the core because even though he wasn't directing things at me, he was taking about me, and even though we were flirting with each other more as time passes, I eventually got restless and so afraid of losing him and being betrayed by him that I fell into self pity and went into self sabotage mode and became extremely vulnerable with him, accusatory, and started asking him more serious questions, even though my questions were sincere. That was when he started ducking, dodging, and yoyoing me (leading me on). He even laughed at some of my concerns and then started ignoring my messages while still maintaining contact and doing things to get my attention. It was clear to me that he was manipulating me but I blamed myself for his behavior and went along with it because I knew I had deliberately sabotaged the potential of any relationship. I think sabotaging it was my way of being in control and trying to prevent myself from getting hurt, but I ended up hurting myself even more in the long run. And so, I managed to get myself into a genuine enough space to have a heart to heart with him. I sent him a long heart-felt messaged and even apologized for my part in things not going the way I'd expected them to. To my surprise, he he actually was vulnerable with me for once and responded after having not spoken to me for months. It meant a lot to me because he was never one to be serious and I hated that I had made things so deep and serious, but he told me that he was glad that I express thoughts and feelings and that he wasn't good at it. But I eventually went into sabotage mode again after getting counsel from people who told me that he didn't sound sincere. And so, I went back into second guessing everything and trying to clean things up and only making them worse. I only got one .ore positive reaction out of him a couple of months afterward...something as simple as a heart, which you wouldn't know why that heart was so significant to me because I'm skipping through the end of this story.

Rewind to Valentine's night about a month or so before that, when I was hoping to get some kind of message from him and instead saw him posted up with some woman on his social media who he'd spent Valentine's day with. I felt stabbed in the back, and even with that dark cloud of betrayal hovering around me, I still spent about an hour looking for the right Valentine's Day e-card to inbox him. I finally did and immediately regretted it because I thought of how foolish I was being in that moment, and so I deleted it. He actually messaged me the next day and asked me what I deleted and so I told him and I told him why. It was the last long message I sent him and never got another message from him in my inbox even more than two years later.

Even though he obviously moved on and I told him I was going to, I never have. When I felt like he had moved on, it was devastating, and I've thought about him every day that has gone by and have even had a number of dreams about him, including one on every birthday he's had since. I've gotten psychic readings, cord cutting sessions, psychotherapy and counseling, but still haven't been able to make sense of it or let it go. I want so much to let go of this attachment, but something tells me that letting go of this would be letting go of the possibility and the desire to ever be in love or in a relationship in general. I even get highly irritated when people say "the next guy" because there is no "next" for me. I don't see people as "fish in the see". This person/connection was very special to me and I know it will never happen like this again. And yes, I have dated other's, slept with others, traveled around and been where the most beautiful gay men from all over the world gathered in one place, and none of them compared to Damon.

Aside from my strong physical attraction to him, my intrigue, and my admiration of the better aspects of him, I'm sure there are a number of other things that keep me tied to this situation even though I don't want to be, including the fact that he left me hanging and never gave me any closure or clarity, my anger over being played when I was nothing but sincere, having worshipped the ground he walked on and built him up so high while putting myself down so he could see how much I thought of him and having him take that and use it to build up his humongous ego even more and become even more arrogant and cocky instead of seeing how genuine I was, the wondering why he seemed so genuine sometimes and other times seemed so superficial and shallow, the feeling of being judged unfairly, the feeling of being left out in the cold and left in the dark understanding why or when his feelings changed, the very real sense of being left in the dark about everything, and the deep feeling of rejection and powerlessness.

The fact is I can't change any of this and I know it. I've been told all kinds of spells, incantations, rituals, and law of attraction techniques to do to possibly get him to come back, but regardless of however convincing the justification has sounded and how badly I want this, I don't believe in any of that because if something is genuine and real, it shouldn't take all of that and I wouldn't want someone to only love me because they were forced or coerced into it. It seems like I should be doing something about it since I'm thinking about him all the time, but I really just want to let it go because y know it's not healthy but all so toxic.

I know I can't change what happened but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could because I really regret that I was so vulnerable with someone who didn't deserve it and showed so much weakness and I still haven't been able to forgive myself for that and don't feel like I'll ever be able to. I can't help but think that if only I wouldn't have made things so heavy and serious this would've never happened. The regret I feel has really driven me into a downward spiral of self hatred, self sabotage, and self destruction. I can't even begin to tell you the self destructive behavior I've been involved in because of the guilt and shame I feel over this situation; the intense feelings of embarrassment and unworthiness and the overwhelming sense of loss. Not only did I lose who I thought would be the love of my life and the one I've always wanted, but I lost myself along with it.

Even though I unfollowed and I unfriended Damon, I still see him online from time to time being cocky and living his best life, and while I'm really trying to live my life and get myself back, I still feel a very heavy and deep loss and it makes me depressed. It doesn't matter how much people may tell me I'm obsessed or that I need to move on and make room for true love or someone who's a better fit, no one can tell me how I feel in my own soul or how much something or someone should mean to me. I know how my heart feels, and it's broken beyond anything I can fix. I've tried. It's just tormenting at this point. I really feel like I'm in Hell where even the short relief is torture because I know the torment is just coming right back around, and even though I know that giving up would only mean that he wins and I lose, I still feel like giving up on myself completely because I don't have enough energy to fight something that's so much bigger and complex than I can comprehend. It's too overwhelming for me. I feel abandoned and completely lost in life, not knowing who I am anymore, where to go or what to do.

[Ciona]

Hi Akhu!

I read most of your wall of text, I don't usually such long posts so just be aware I skipped a little here and there.

You need to find the place where, when you stop fighting "something that's so much bigger and complex than I can comprehend", it has nothing to do with giving up on yourself completely. If you can do that you won't stay in a place where you feel lost in life, not knowing who you are, where to go or what to do.

That's why this experience with this guy is in your life. He could have been anybody. You were going to have this experience no matter what. He just happened to be the person who brought it. That's why the particulars of trying to fight something so much bigger and complex that you can comprehend don't matter, from a certain perspective.

I think accepting that you're not going to change how you feel about him is a good place to start. Just start with that and don't try to understand everything. If you really embrace that there's a part of you that's still going to feel this way, at least until further notice, the torment will most likely stop coming back around, because it won't have any reason to. Just allow for validating how you feel. You were in this too, dude! You matter!

Then you'll be in the next space, and see what arises for you to give your attention to next. Most likely it will be personal to you and how you feel and where 'you're going and what you're doing', and have nothing to do with him. Or maybe, you will be in a reflective place between you and him. But my opinion is that YOU need to start caring how YOU feel. You need to start making room for yourself.

[Miss Hepburn]

This is exactly what I did...buy a tincture/dropper bottle of
Motherwort...take half a dropper 2 times a day, for 3 days.
(you will prob feel relief the next morning),
See the difference. :)

[Traveler]

First and foremost you must learn to love yourself. I sense a lot of uncertainty about yourself. And not getting the unconditional love as a child that every child deserves can fill one with self-doubt. Tell yourself what you would tell a dear friend who was feeling self-doubt and heartbreak. Give yourself pep talks. Write affirmations on post-it notes where you will see them every day and say them out loud. It will sound forced and corny but it will help. I believe you have the same issue I had. I kept attracting the wrong guys. Guys who didn't want a commitment. I was sending out signals that attracted these guys. I started working on my inner self, my inner child. I worked on my self-esteem and I stopped chasing guys and let them come to me. I also started meditating on attracting the right guy for me.

There's a book that has been around since the 70s' called "Taming Your Gremlins". It's about learning to turn off all those negative self-talk that we hear that distract us and sabotage us. I found it really helpful. *hugs*

[Sappheira]

Hi,

I was reading your post, and I wanted to tell you, I know how it feels with the way things are. I had a similar past, I am straight, but everyone had always found ways to pick on me or bully me.
You have a right to exist, you've got your free will, your own life, you don't need to worship anyone. I know losing him would mean as you hold him on a pedestal, it feels like you're losing something precious to you because you put yourself below him. The healing sessions and all help only for the moment, but you have to be ready to truly let go. Someone like him is not worth it, if you two were on equal ground things it would be different, absolutely. He seems a bit shallow though. But worshipping someone who is supposed to be your equal as in a romantic relationship won't ever work out because you're not getting the reciprocation of respect and love you deserve. You do deserve good, a better life, someone who doesn't play games with you. Things could be different, but it isn't, I'm sorry to say. You know this kind of thing doesn't work. But you've kind of been clinging to what could be for you, because you do admire him still. You want to be like him, but thing is he has had a different life than you. He has his way of handling things, and you do recognize what you need to change if you will it, and you can. Be the person you want, love yourself, find the good traits in you. I wish you the best, the cord will be cut and disappear once you're ready to completely let him go. I wish you the best.

[lostsoul13]

I don't suppose you'll take your time and try to heal..do you know if he is gay? If he dated a woman on Val day? Or is he bisexual? Regardless you will take as much time as you need- I can't get relevant to your horizon no one will... Take your time and be honest with your self...if he doesn't want you it could be the worlds way of saying your soulmate is still waiting for you-maybe you can't take that chance...

[Akhu999]

Originally Posted by lostsoul13

I don't suppose you'll take your time and try to heal..do you know if he is gay? If he dated a woman on Val day? Or is he bisexual? Regardless you will take as much time as you need- I can't get relevant to your horizon no one will... Take your time and be honest with your self...if he doesn't want you it could be the worlds way of saying your soulmate is still waiting for you-maybe you can't take that chance...

He is gay. I personally know two of his previous partners he's been with multiple times, including his highschool sweetheart who told me he doesn't like women. He's in the closet but I don't know how much. But I do believe he's been with women before and maybe he uses that to convince himself and the world that he is straight and only plays with men as a pastime. I asked him if he was bisexual or struggling with accepting his sexuality but he never answered the questions. That was actually when he started playing games with me and being rude. And I've always kicked myself for asking him these personal questions because it made him step back.

[Green.Heals]

The heartbreak I've been healing has come through self care. Giving back to myself.