Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

getting disillusioned of
'one true way'

sigh

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

been sick all week
been kind of fun
I guess

looking forward
to getting back
to normal life
though
----------------------------------------------------------
kinda been settling into this thing
where I don't meditate
on saturdays

going to see if I can not go anywhere
till
tomorrow night
now
either..

well not perfect
as
I probably should turn off the tv
and not get on the computer either

but

one thing at a time
I don't gotta be perfect
or do the most efficient thing either
for that matter

------------------------------------------------------------
as far as loving children
I'm told
there are specific feelings
one simply has to have
while relating to the child
or bad things will happen
to the child

i'm like ok if you say so
but that isn't my own experience

yeah if you don't get all the things
other people believe you should have
life gets rough
but
that in my mind
is more because
we want to be doing
what others are doing
than any real statement of fact
about what is in any sense 'best'

personally
I find too much sunshine
is just a bit much...

I suspect many others feel the same...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what is best

but I'm also canny enough to suspect
that anyone who says they do
knows no such thing either...

what was that saying?

the path to hell is paved with good intentions....

[FallingLeaves]

we all seem to want
the easy path
to a nicer place

and we keep coming up with
novel
new
ways for it to be
so that we can finally be happy forever

problem is
once again
we aren't reading
either
the good book
or the reality around us
the way they are written

there is no easy path to eden
it is blocked

but we want to lie to ourselves
about so many things
so we lie to ourselves
about
the idea
it is not blocked
after all

that with the right amount of
our own effort
we can slide by
and make it to where
we wanna go.

well we can't really
we don't have what it takes.

by the grace of god though
we may eventually get there anyway.

and we'll complain about our lot
every step of the way
------------------------------------------------------------
the biggest problem I have
is
trying to disentangle myself
from the things
others have said they want for me
or want me to do

for some reason
that I don't understand
the opinion of others
matters to me
somehow
---------------------------------------------------------------
in my view though
the more buyin I have from people
that something is either true
or necessary
the more likely
it won't jive with what I personally need
for my own growth

so you hear saying things like
sunshine is a bit much

or a little gloom can be nice

not so much
because I'm trying to get others
to buy into it

but
because
any space away from
the clamouring thoughts of others
is cherished
and those are little ways
to get a little space

besides
the silver linings
are for real
in my experience
lol

[FallingLeaves]

well if he has to choose between
these two things
for them to say

'doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results
is a form of insanity'

and

'you are afraid,
get over yoursself'

he's afraid
he is going to choose fear
at least that is more fun

than trying to kick lucy's football...

[FallingLeaves]

at least he gets something tangible
out of being afraid
lol

[FallingLeaves]

well
and if
being afraid
somehow
'causes'
him
not to do something
he really doesn't want to do anyway

he's is gonna take the freebie...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
he has recently seen the wisdom
in not
dealing with
people
who explicitly say
they don't want to deal with him

now he is guessing
maybe he can
extend that courtesy to himself
a little bit
and simply quit
dealing with people
his 'gut'
says no to
as well...

but he guesses he'll be lonely

what else is new though?

when hasn't it been so?

[FallingLeaves]

and besides
anyone who doesn't understand
how much effort
he's put into
'facing fears'

knows him not at all.

but anymore
he just prefers
not
asking for pain
that he doesn't have to have
as
facing fears
brings no release
just more pain

and besides
like he says
being afraid
can be fun
from a meditative standpoint!

he'll just be alone some more
sigh

[FallingLeaves]

so
one of my many problems
is
I can act
kinda like a bull

chasing around after red capes
only to be surprised
and then horrified
when they are drawn back
and there is nothing actually there

which is why
I am so miffed
when my twin
tells me

'chin up
be a man
do what you are afraid of'

because it seems to me
like just another excuse
to run around
after something
that doesn't even exist

only to end up surprised
and shunned
once again

it is like clockwork...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I guess instinctively
I knew from day one
she would make me feel this way
-------------------------------------------------------------------
after all the effort
to 'prove' I'm not afraid
once again

I've seen it enough to know
there won't be anything there anyway.
----------------------------------------------------------------
recently
I have basically
drawn a line in the sand
and decided
if what I've already done
isn't enough
for her to care
then nothing I can do
ever will be

and there is no point
entertaining
she
who is telling me
not to be afraid

mind you
even if I am
too afraid
for words
I simply don't care
because I'm tired
of having my buttons pushed

and like i say
it is more fun
to meditate with fear
than it is
to chase around
like a bull
after empty red capes...
-----------------------------------------
I guess
all roads lead
to being alone

sigh
------------------------------------------
thank you for dinner!

[FallingLeaves]

i never did
solve the problem
of needing a teacher

my twin kinda
figured that one out
for me...

the problem
with needing a teacher
is
if you choose just one
you buy not only the good things they teach
but also
all the aspirations
goals
and limitations
they accepted
when following their own path

which were in turn
largely inherited
from previous teachers...

but if you honestly believe
everyone has
that part of it
- the intent with which you do it
quite plainly
wrong
and you don't want to buy
into
any of
the badness
just to get to
some perceived goodness
what do you do?

Like I say my twin fixed it for me
although I can't say I liked
how she went about it
lol


but all i can say is
i am glad she is so darned stubborn!

[FallingLeaves]

well
since
that girl
had me read
'secrets of the golden flower'
it has been sitting on
the other side of my bed

i finally
got curious
why the spirits would
have me leave it there
and decided
to read it again

now it makes
a certain sort of sense
in terms of things
I had already thought
about life

on my first go through
I missed that
because
I was wont to read it
with the meanings
I knew others would take from it

but with a renewed outlook
I'm getting hints
about how to proceed
next

I figure
I'll go down that path
for a ways
using their emphasis
for how to do things
instead of the one
I learned on my own

and we'll see what happens...

we could use some new blood anyway lol!