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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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Old 22-11-2022, 10:12 AM
asearcher
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what am i gonna say or do?

second edition (shorter version)

there has been this man i was involved with in the past that had some stalking tendencies to him, now and then couple of years in between i have noticed this pattern with him as if he knows or will get to know people in my surrounding. this was something he was up to before we got involved. I could categorize these people like this:

-people who he is manipulating but they do not know it and think they mean well

-people who play along and think they are clever and in the same bunch as he is in then, these are the "reporters" or "watchers", they will report back to him what they have seen.

I have now come to think there is a reporter/watcher in my surrounding. Before i would cut off all contact. never say anything that i know or suspected this is so and so connected to him.

should i call this person upon it? can also be that this person do not know it but by the way this person is acting (and I've been around before so I know by now) I think it knows.

Would me confronting this person (but in a polite way) make this person in my past to back off or will it trigger?

Last edited by asearcher : 22-11-2022 at 04:12 PM.
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Old 23-11-2022, 01:06 AM
asearcher
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.......back here again....

it hit me that i have been doing the same avoidant style as my husband has regarding his bully of a parent (that i think is narcissistic). That as long as my husband was doing that the bully still got a hold on him. it was not until quite recently he confronted, changed his old tactics. before that he would say he would have nightmares where he would fight this parent and even be afraid of the rage he felt but in real life he would still be going about his usual avoidant gray stone style. When I would confront the bully this parent would take to childish tactics, one after another. I could tell the fear in the others. I was afraid too as I could tell this bully was unstable but I could also tell that this bully was in fear of me. Fear of getting to the bottom of things. Fear of me exposing even further its behavior. My husband would say early on he had never seen his parent act that way before to anyone, that this parent seemed so nervous around me. Before i had taken steps back and been afraid, vulnerable that this bully would turn my husband against me who I was at the time so in love with, loved so very much back in the day. That was the vulnerability I had that the bully used again and again.


back in the day when i was involved with this ex i got anxiety on my way out and had to get help, first time ever i had experienced what anxiety was like.

i know because of how he was i was advice to do the no contact. i would at the end of things be as formal, neutral as i could but i know there was this one time in the past when i did explode and did confront his behavior which made him step back just a little bit to then be at it again but by then i did not care as i was out and rebuilding my own life again.


i have thought that the vulnerability he has on me stil til this day is my old fear that i would get sick again with the anxiety. that is fear of the fear of panic attacks and therefor doing what ever i could to avoid situations and people like that.

logically i do get that had he truly been out to hurt me or kill me i would have been that already by now. but all the same i realized that even if years had part that it was as if he was on his own cycle, it wasn't consistent, it wasn't obsessive 24/7, but when it was it was obsessive in cycles, periods, and he would work through anyone to get to me to have his message across, and it was enough to throw me off my balance, not knowing what kind of mental state he was in, and not under any circumstances wanting him back in my life (as it had taken me so much, so much sacrifice to finally getting him out, not to mention all the people I had to cut off contact with as they were "his" even if they did not know it, all of them).

So I gotta confront my fear. and think it is OK then if I get sick again. I have been so in the past and I have overcome it. I don't have to have this fear of the fear as well. I've made it this far. It's not gonna break me. i know by now what exactly anxiety is and it is not gonna eat me up alive.

back too in the day I think it is strange how karma works but i'm loving it. i know he tried to make me pregnant on purpose. that would in the end work against him. there were periods in the relationship when i thought as he behaved badly or inconsiderate to me that i still had to be nice and polite to him as i yet did not know if i was expecting and that we had to get along from a co parenting perspective. i think me being polite was also a way of my shield being up, it created a barrier that i think he found frustrading, it created distance, he couldn't get to me like before. i was already in my own bubble. I know partly into the relationship I was traumatized and my brain therefor did not work as it did before which is something I think happens to lot of victims in these types of relationships; it is set on survival but it is as if you are put to sleep (for protection). I can also tell this this day despite the therapy that my time perception is a little off as well as the before huge memory blanks (repressed). I can relate that it can be difficult for outsiders to make interviews etc on victims like that and I am afraid an ignorance and judgement from others that "that would never have happened to me". These sort of abusers work you bit by bit, they find a way in, a vulnerability. In normal healthy relationships you are allowed to have your vulnerabilities and your shield down without you being in any risk of being attacked, abused. You are allowed to relax in all your glory and your faults without being treated with inhuman cruelty.

i know at the end of the day when i suspected i was pregnant but not daring to test myself just yet, that he was at his worst of how he was treating me, and i know i thought what kind of a man is this? His treatment of me created all sorts of stress hormones in my body to then be directly given to our unborn child (although not technically a child at that point, hell I did not even know I was pregnant). And I know I thought at one time even if I did not know if I was pregnant or not "How is he treating us?" Us as in me and the unborn baby. And I think that was a wake up call and made me look at him from a bottomless resentment perspective. That now it was no more just about my value, but the potential value of a little one as well.

Last edited by asearcher : 23-11-2022 at 02:09 AM.
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