the inside out // Abusers // Worth

[Lavender Moonchild]

I have a feeling this post might resonate with many, and so I hope that those that need to hear this, will be led here.

From the inside out.

I think unconditional love comes from inside out, when you begin to love yourself without judgement, accepting your flaws, your quirks and forgiving your mistakes without beating yourself down in internal dialogue. (I am sure there are many more ways to express love, these were the ones that came to me just now.)

A person who does not unreservedly love themselves - cannot unconditionally love another, because there will always be a condition or an agenda. And when the object doesn't meet them, then the love goes away. (Which btw wasn't love or love leaving. It was never love but instead Manipulation - trying to get a person to behave like they want in exchange of making them feel "accepted" or maybe "tolerated". )

If your family "loves" you and yet keeps holding it over your head and pulls away said "love" when you displease(d) them, when you don't or didn't obey them, then that is/was not love. And you don't owe anyone obedience at the expense of yourself.

(I believe in the universal laws. you will always reap your own rewards, you will get what you sow. The other little ways to make us behave one way or another, in my opinion are simply trying to control human behavior into more of a definable entity. Because most people fear what they cannot define.)

Sadly - when Children have experienced loads of trauma from their toxic parents they end up afraid of being who they are. Instead, they please people and lose themselves in fragmented pieces trying to please everyone else (everyone but themselves - and often will be depressed and even suicidal when they do not receive the "love" they so ardently work for.) They also won't express their true feelings, they never learn to establish boundaries and they put themselves at risk this way, because they allow others to harm them.

Many, many people live this way now as adults and they carry these toxic traits into the upcoming, new generations. I am not sure if many have stopped long enough to take a good look at their lives, or they might be so medicated that they don't feel those things.

Personally, I never enjoyed medications, since I was sick all my life and always tried to medicate myself as much as possible, with natural things. (with little success), but even I hit that terrible bottom. I thought I had hit it many times over the past 10 years, but never like I did last summer.

But for me it took this, to come to see things clearly. It had to come to the place where I was physically incapable of earning my value, to realize that I am valuable no matter what. Actually I came to love myself more during that time. Came to see my battle scars and love them, to look at my younger self and admire her for surviving. To thank her for enduring. To praise her for remaining so sensitive and gentle and soft despite all that happened.

Because I have a tender heart, I tend to think "oh they are hurt and that is why they hurt me" - and so I let them. Because "they don't know better".

Except - I am also learning that I behave like this, because I have unhealthy boundaries. I do not value myself if I let this continuously happen. If I stick around people who do not value me, it is a reflection of how I view myself.

As a child we couldn't leave(unless you want to be living on the streets). But as grown ups we can establish distance. This can be essential to be able to heal. And once we have walked on our journey to wholeness and wellness some, we can possibly see if we may allow contact again.
However, I don't think you should feel that you are bound to stay in touch with abusers. Forgiveness does not constitute that you need proximity to said party - ever again - if you don't choose it. (That would be guilt of social expectations talking). The excuse "they don't know better" is bull****. Sorry. But it is. We live in an age where nobody has that excuse anymore. If they continue to hurt you... Then they chose to stay ignorant and because people allowed them to remain abusive, they continue to do it. They are lazy, do not want to change and quite frankly do not see you as valuable enough to treat you with the respect and kindness you are OWED. There. I said it.

YOU are lovable, worthy and valuable. Not because of what you do or don't do. No, Because you SIMPLY ARE. And BEING is all you ever needed to be worthy. And nothing you ever will do will make you unworthy. <3

I honestly don't exactly know why I am writing this. But Here it is. Maybe it is less a discussion - more of a safe place to share. Maybe share things that have hurt you, or do hurt you. I am not sure what purpose this post has but I think it was needed.

Much love and light to you!

[lostsoul13]

Good post~ true love is accepting all the flaws but I find the self to be aloof and I have a taste of my own medicine and feel alone—-

I had friends growing up~ we are living our own lives: jobs, relationships- children

My children are in suspended animation and I have to be ready for when they come back~ that means reincarnation—- but I can’t withstand what can’t be withstood: just leaves me in vicious circle, leading me to be apprehensive

But learning to accept pain~ emotional, physical has learnt me how what can only be described as molecules tightly together what boundaries are mine and mine alone- it’s hard being alone but I know within me is my twin flame- she’s manifested before ~ and will again , but I have to be ready-

It’s hard to face something when your facing she shadows of the self or a projection of the self~ it asks you & you have to reply!

[RedEmbers]

I also took a few years off. I was incapable of working as an adult. It was time for me to feel my worth as a person who exists, simply being.
I only work now, when I feel aligned to who I am working for. I am in the caring field because I do care about others, however I only work where I feel that I am valued. I don't try and fit myself in where I am not valued anymore.

A book I finished reading by a New Zealand/Australian author says that "there is nothing that we can do or not do to make ourselves any more or less worthy".
As we are in existence, we are automatically worthy.

Gabor Mate gave a talk where he basically validates people from abuse backgrounds. He states simply, something like
you are not to blame, you were simply needing to be loved in a way which was not available for you at that time and there is nothing wrong with you for that.

I cried when I heard these words. I feel like a lot of people from troubled backgrounds benefit immensely just from hearing validation in this way.

I still feel uneasy being validated in such a way, a part of me does not believe it but I know that it is just the grief and sadness arising when I hear those words and over time, I may start to know and connect with them fully.

[Lavender Moonchild]

Originally Posted by lostsoul13

Good post~ true love is accepting all the flaws but I find the self to be aloof and I have a taste of my own medicine and feel alone—-

I had friends growing up~ we are living our own lives: jobs, relationships- children

It isn't always easy to try and understand what the purpose of this lifetime is?
Why the loneliness? Maybe it is to love yourself. You aren't lonely if you love yourself? (I don't know if this even makes sense)

I have tried to use those times of loneliness, and I have explored the need for a "relationship". Is it mine? Is it projected from the world, media and social norms? You have to have another person love you to be valuable.

I don't know honestly. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship in a romantic sense is no longer priority, but my journey and my spiritual awakening is my love. I want to grow and to heal.
And a romantic relationship in essence would come in the way of this.

You talk about past lives and future ones I think? Did I understand this rightly? Do you remember past lives?

[Lavender Moonchild]

Originally Posted by RedEmbers

I also took a few years off. I was incapable of working as an adult. It was time for me to feel my worth as a person who exists, simply being.
I only work now, when I feel aligned to who I am working for. I am in the caring field because I do care about others, however I only work where I feel that I am valued. I don't try and fit myself in where I am not valued anymore.

Thank you so much for sharing this <3

It is true, hearing such validations is not easy. For me either. I am learning however. And I am loving making mistakes now a days. I don't know. It makes me giggle. Almost like a "high". To be wrong and to be safe in being wrong.

Anyways, I think it is so admirable that you are learning and walking on this path. It sounds like you have learned to establish certain boundaries. That isn't easy, is it?

I saw a little video yesterday of a girl, her mother just said I love you - (the girl wanted to make fun) but she kept going on like "and with that I mean I love you when you are sad and when you are bubbly, when you are brilliant in school or you fail a grade, when you are angry with me or when you treat me with respect. And I chose to love you from the moment I knew you would be born. And nothing will ever change that. And what is more, I like you too. I love to listen to you and to see what makes you happy. I think you are fascinating, and I am so proud of you and I need you to know that this will never change"

And you could just the the emotions going through the girl. How she went from joking to serious, to bashful, to relieved? Sad? It was definitely touching.

(Not sure I would want to record my daughter while I said this to her), but here you have it lol

I do hope you are better health wise?

[Miss Hepburn]

The Admin has asked we keep quotes down to 2-3 sentences, sorry.
If it helps you can ref to the Post #.