It's been 13 years now since you passed away. Time has gone by so fast....when you died, I couldn't even imagine how I was going to get through the next minute...and now 13 years have gone by.
I just wanted to check in, let you know I'm thinking of you. I put some pink carnations by your window today---where you used to live. There's a Panera bakery by your place now. I think you would have liked to eat there. We could have shared a warm bowl of soup :)
Antoine turned 14 today. I thought it was beautiful and poignant that his birthday was on the day you left this world---he's part of your spirit, and you're a part of his. He's hanging in there, but struggling with kidney disease and a heart issue. He's had a team of lovely vets helping him along. He was given three weeks to live last November, but thanks to special food and all kinds of special supplements and medicines, he is still here with me. I don't want him to ever leave, but I know I have to prepare. I know when that time comes, he will be with you again.
But I confess, and maybe you heard me the other night, crying and asking you to let Antoine stay with me for a little while longer...I love him so much and consider him my son. He's the main reason I am still here. He means everything to me, and he is a gift from you.....I feel you with him, especially at night when Antoine lies on my chest and slowly drifts to sleep. I feel you are there too....
I continue to wonder if you've come back to earth...maybe you are living a beautiful life somewhere in England again. Maybe the states. The other day I saw someone driving a red convertible....I couldn't see his face, but he looked just like you from the back. I stopped and followed the car with my eyes until I couldn't see it anymore. I still think I see you in certain people...younger people walking down the street. I know it isn't you, but I still pause and feel my heart skip.
You're still 28, and I'm getting older now...some days I feel so far away from everything that was. Maybe you check in now and then.....I did feel you so much right after you died, but around the six month mark, you came to me in a dream and said you had to go...you had important things to do. I wonder what your world is like now---mostly I just hope you are ok.
Could you be with your baby boy Antoine---send some love to him? He needs lots of love right now. I wish you could cuddle him---I know he misses you.
Matt, I wasn't always at my best---I've grown wiser. I understand more now. Maybe you would like this version of me much better than what I was when I was younger.
I hope you are feeling peaceful. I hope beauty surrounds you.
Your birthday is coming up soon---I'll be thinking of you, celebrating you.
Matt, maybe you could come to me in a dream again? Tell me the secrets of this great thing we call life. I remember you told me so much after you died....but it seems so far away now.
I love you.