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Originally Posted by Altair
The ''Who am I?'' question has never really caught my interest. To me, it has always been more about exploration. Experiences of bliss and feeling my entire body being 'electrified' is great but hasn't made me ponder ''who am I?'' or anything.
I also don't read any guru stuff or study any scripture so that may explain why I'm not asking the question to begin with. Haven't imprinted the whole thing in my mind and I doubt many illiterate 'pagans' did throughout history. But when you have an 'experience' and then read all kind of books then you may mould yourself in a way. On top of the ''who am I?'' question one could ask ''where does your question even come from?''
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I also wanna be happy.
The happiness is connected to something eternal.
But when I choose to think that it is temporary, I feel fear. I ask who I am.
If I feel like happiness is a lie, I feel fear. And I ask who am I?
If I feel like the temporary nature of it is a lie, then I feel happiness. I say, am happiness.
I give up trying to be happy in the future, and just allow happiness more here and now.
I can resist things more, and I'll feel worse.
I can allow things more, and I'll feel better.
I don't know why things are the way they are. Resistance.
And yet I know things are the way to they are simply because they are the way they are. Allowance.
These thoughts come up, and I can feel the degree of resistance or allowance.
Sometimes having allot of resistant thought patterns it grows out of control. And they draw more resistance to my perception and limits my consciousness and contradicts it in uncomfortable ways.
And same with allowing more allowance and thoughts which feel better, my perception expands and everything is appreciated, I can see more good beneficial values in all things in and of my life. From within and without.
I can ask, why is there suffering? But then I will know why and feel bad as I expand upon all the self contradictions.
I can ask, why is there happiness? And eventually I begin to receive the answer to that in enjoyable ways. As I try to feel my way to it as I think about it.
The more I focus on happiness, the more energy rises, as more life force flows through me, and all the resistan thought patterns come floating to the surface. Like "I am unworthy of all of these good things, they are no going to last. They are not real, its all an illusion."
And back to suffering I go. As these thoughts block my life force from flowing, the happiness is distorted and the life force is flowed out of alignment through these resistant disallowing perspectives, that makes me feel sad.
I wish I could experience happiness forever. But I don't know what that is or how it looks. There isn't a future to be happy in.
There will only ever be one place where I can be happy and allow myself to be happy. And that place is here and now.
Yet happiness isn't about the many conditions of life.
It is about my perspective of all the conditions in and of my life.
Those perspectives are like an energy grid that fills in with more of like energy.
Sometimes I got all these small little negative annoyances I perceive and over time it causes me to built a resistant energy grid, that keeps filling in with more things of discorsant nature, out of alignment with the life force that keeps flowing. And it comes to a point where I cannot stop the momentum of that. And I can no longer feel sense or observe anything good anymore, and I ask, who am I? Where is the one who I truely am? Where is my joy?
And so I give up all thoughts, I meditate, quiet my mind, and start soft and anew and gentle. And in innocence and new opportunity to witness more positive good feeling perspectives that feel like positive emotion, indicating I am more in alignment with my true nature.
No amount of thinking can change the energy grid pattern of the established energetic thought patterns. But meditating, quieting the mind, and then gently look for anything to appreciate, that I can feel good about. Then life becomes more natural and I can remember who I am through the joy that allows my true nature to flow more fully freely through me to be more fully, freely, effortlessly and naturally realised by me.
The more I allow myself to feel better emotionally, the more I remember all the things that are good in and of my life, all the things that make my life worth living. All the reasons and purpose of and for my being and life. I remember why I am. As all those values of who I am also include the purpose of my more fully allowed to be realised being. Being and becoming evermore naturally and effortlessly here and now.
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