Originally Posted by irisa
what comes to my mind while trying to picture your situations...the now and past life...
In your eyes, what both men do makes them pedant or stickler.
Is this in your eyes? Or did/do they really tell you that you are not good enough or things you do is not good enough?
When i read that he is cleaning the kitchen in the night...seems to me he has a problem and not you...but thatīs not your question.
Because of their behaviour/words towards you, you are questioning yoirself if they might be right about you/your behaviour...
And i think this could be where both relationships could be about...ot what can be learned from them...make up your own mind. You say youīre not a slob. Besides the fact that it shouldnīt be a difference if you are a slob or not...it is about you...who do you think you are (meant in a positive way). Itīs not what they say about you or what you think they might think of you.
Stand in your own shoes. Make up your mind...donīt be a slave to your own (ego?) mind...you know who you are...do you fit in the situation?
This is only meant well...as i seem to recognize myself in this, though in my working place and in relation to my collegues...still feeling the need to make others feel good and helped....but running past myself, way past myself...loosing myself somewhere (long ago already)....trying to find myself back..Learning that my opinion counts as much as any others. Feeling almost
a cripple where it comes to just be myself and have the guts to show myself to the world.
But what is a bit weird: it feels like i am two...one part knows exactly how she feels, who she is and has strong opinions...the other part of me is like that cripple, like a slave...and i can sometimes feels almost disgusted about that part of myself...But still, it is there..
Wish you lots of wisdom about your question!
Hi Irisa, thank you for taking the time to answer me : )
yep seem like we are both alike. You a Empath, yes? If you have not been treated right or treated yourself right that low self esteem kick right in and people take advantage of it. With me it seems I can take steps back, and back again and so forth but then I reach a point where I go wait a minute!! Hell no!! I think it is when I finally realize something is not fair - for me. I believe there has to be a balance - that is when things work as they should, really. Balanced, equality.
With the past life ex husband he had a need for total control
She look like he wanted her to look. Hair fashion, make up, clothes. I could feel when I was her that she took something on her the morning and it was not a question if she liked it or not - but what he liked. It had really gone that far.
On the outside they were the "perfect" couple.
From my remembrance they did seek help but I think that was because of her feeling sad. I could tell he could only say about 2 words and look stern at her and she would start to cry and that she would tell him she just could not talk to him. She did not have the energy to go into another fight.
It is not that I think the past life ex husband told her "you're worthless" or something like it and it is not like my guy says that too - but by constantly making remarks or just having the attitude, does not have to say anything really, not always, one can still tell, it does make me feel as if I am not good enough.
I know that in the past life marriage it felt as if he did not really know who I was, that he had loved the idea of his creation of who he wanted me to be and who I tried to be - but not who I was.
I lost more and more energy trying to be someone my free will had not set me to be, to sacrifise my own voice, my free will - I think that was the worst off all to please.
In my current relationship the slightest move from my love to say oh I would like to see you in those pair of jeans or what ever - make me say NO. I think it is because I felt it so strong that memory when I was dressed only in clothes he had approved of, the past life ex husband, just to please
It is too that my current love comes from a rather unsensitive family and someone in that family is a true narcissist and someone else is well, kind of cold too, and there has been remarks, sick games etc from his first family to directly or indirectly try to make me feel less. Before I use to get in line and swallow and try to for his sake just stand it, while I am screaming inside that this is not what you say to any person on this planet . He has not reacted like he ought to in the past and tells me he did not see it that way. He can't still fully see it that way. He on the other hand is constantly glorified by his first family and I am not good enough. He stand right in the middle. It is disgusting to me that the first family think they are going to get away with this bad behavoir towards me forever. It is well about time it stops. I can stand up for myself, it isn't that, it is that he is not reacting like he ought to. I have told him if anyone I knew would say the things to him - the things that has said to me - I would feel ashamed, I would get angry - I would react - instantly - because after all I brought in my guy in that family and I would not stand him being treated badly . To him it is just words. But he is diferent around them, as if he turns off, and I have told him that right there frightens me because you let them say what ever they wanna say to me, and you don't object.We have had really bad fights about this in the past.
He says he will better himself and will be on the watch the next time but I have already heard things, just over the phone, and he does not react. Things I have let slide because I just can't deal with it anymore.
So I feel like an outsider, outsider of my own relationship with a stickler and outsider of his first family. By the attitude and by the words and action it make me feel that I am not good enough.
I have explained this to him and he knows by now I am really sick of it.
I have to remind myself this abuse is something he has been a victim of himself in his first family before he got to be one of them too.
I can feel how contagious it is - I have almost felt anxiety if things has not been cleaned enough before he comes home.
He has also multiple times said to me Oh yea so What have you done?
as if I have to remember the things I have done (washing, dishes, etc).
He can say "It is so fun you say you have done all that - and still it looks like this".
I have then said "well, when one do breakffast, lunch, dinner, evening-dinner one actually do dishes multiple times". but to him it is not done unless everything is washed up and put away.
He has a superior attitude and his eyes are cold. It is as if I don't recognize him when he gets like that.
He thinks he does most of the work at home, he take it for granted - that attitude - and I am lost because to me we do things equally, but if I do less it is because I am with the kids that he ignores until he has cleaned away (they then watch television or computer etc), but the difference is that the kids "interupt" me much, much more - because they feel they can come to me and this is how I want it.
The last time he told me to tell him what I had done or not I pretty much said you know what? I too pay rent here. This is my home too. You are not my boss. I have no obligation to tell you what I have done or not.
I never have asked him what he has done or not.
Both the past life ex husband claimed even in divorce papers "I love my wife", and my love claims to love me.
But they both made/make me feel less.
I have ask but no answer (during meditation, spriti guide) why this is happening to me all over again.
Thank you for asking spot-on-questions that I have to challenge myself with :) this is a work in process.
I agree that it is a problem when someone gets up in middle of night and start to clean...sigh...I was like will you stop it?
He now is at a stage it seems that he is not accusing me of not doing enough but still he can not let it just be til the next day.
I am still unsure if he will fully realize it is him that has a problem because I think in secret he still feel the problem is me - but we have to see where we land, time will tell...