Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

lately
i been dreaming about
scrunching my abdomen
and then fliying around

in the dreams
so far
people don't seem to notice
that my feet
aren't touching the ground
lol...

so i tried that tonite
and learned something new about the eyes
and had some really nice resonances
going
in my body

sigh....
-------------------------------------------------------

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

merry christmas


(shyly)

it is getting easier
not to fall in love
with every female
the comes into my vicinity
lol


as far as the laura syndrome
ive been thinking again
how i rejected her
the same way
you rejected me...

right now though,
I don't really expect
to see you again

not that it wouldn't be nice
i guess
just not very realistic

and with my
'don't give me anything'
attitude
that I'm sustaining
right now

I don't really expect
much of anything
from anyone
because
i gotta do something first
and im just not interested
in wrecking my life
by bartering for things
*again*
that I shoulda just had.

[FallingLeaves]

sometimes
i wish
if people were going to mean
they wouldn't pretend they were nice.

wolves in sheeps clothing get very old.

[FallingLeaves]

the other day
i decided
it wouldn't be fun
to be in a romance movie

I'm the wrong gender you see

I just wouldn't like
the role
I look like
I should take
and I don't feel like
playacting
either
as if
everything were ok.

It is not really.

But this is all i've got to work with.

[FallingLeaves]

i guess it is ok
that people are so mean.

For the moment at least
I've got the silver linings...

Something to be grateful for,
albeit only for my lonely self...

[FallingLeaves]

I realize
I just expect
people
to assume I am bad
and up to more mischief

that is a lot of what
I feel like
they are saying to me...

it is very hard
not to be bad
and up to more mischief
when that is what you are getting
that other people expect.

this has been a problem
since childhood

and probably
in a lot of other lifetimes
too

I've tried to relate
anyway
but i'm getting kinda tired
of fixing stuff
just to be fixing stuff.

I don't care who broke it
or why

I'm just not sure
I want to continue
to try to relate
on these terms.

I know that only means
I get to be sad and lonely
but really,
when have I not been?

[FallingLeaves]

well
i guess i figure
if i can't have you
i might as well
at least
emote
in ways that make sense
to a me

instead of trying to impress you
with whatever I think you want
to try to get you in my life!

but i know i must seem stupid
at this point
lol
---------------------------------------------------------------
so
im getting tired
of all the stories
about life
that I tell myself
incessantly

im wondering
what it would be like
to actually live life???????
----------------------------------------------------------------
well
so
today
i found a feeling
i really like
when I was breathing...

then I was moved to say
maybe I should stop here
and just accept
the niceness of this
and not try to go beyond it?????

and the angels smiled!
--------------------------------------------------------------
so i was wrestling
with this song
where this guy
felt like
he had made this girl
everything she was

and she just dumped him.

I've always had a problem with that...
thought it so wrong of her...

but now I know
she had every right to....
he doesn't have rights to her life
even if he thinks
he somehow helped her.

Maybe he was just jealous????

And what about the time they DID
spend together?
Did that really mean nothing
to a him?

anyway i understand
it wrong
to think that way

but still I have to wrestle with it
just a bit...

[FallingLeaves]

he guesses
there is nothing
he can do
at this point
other
than to consider
himself chastised....

not that he wasn't feeling that way
all along
just no point
in fighting mean people
any more.
=====================================
he is kinda sad
because
he can't just have the twin
and
he can't just end it with the twin

so he doesn't know
a 'certain'
way to relate.

he only knows that
same ole same ole
he is tired
of her
always hurting him
and he doesn't want that
any more
than he ever did before.

he only hopes
when it is time
*again*
he is able to do something
he really should
know how to do by now

and
not value her so dang much

but it doesn't make much sense
to go trying to relate that way
either
because
she has a way
of denying his every want
and regardless
he'll just be back
to more pain.

might as well just put it off
into the future
while that is possible

maybe some distance
somehow
will help...

well it isn't like
anything else is going to work
either...

he is gonna end up hurting
no matter what

so why not choose
that kind of hurt
this time?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
in other news
someone
gave him
a new feeling
that he'd never felt
kind of a sad comfort
without all the distance

it was kinda nice.

[FallingLeaves]

inasmuch
as
I myself
never seem to get to see
the results of my own labors...

I'm usually very hesitant
to tell people
'if you do this
you will get that'

partly perhaps
because
of the very selfish reason
that
I don't want the mirror
saying it back to me
and telling me a lie.

not that I don't also
respect
though
that any more
it seems like
a very mean thing to do.

[FallingLeaves]

so i scrunched my face
and concentrated on my tummy
and felt something nice!

well more with the warmth too,
I can feel it through my clothes now

I wonder if this is going to make the doctor
throw fits?????