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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Devolution's Dream > Matt Warne

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  #1  
Old 26-07-2020, 06:15 PM
Kefka Kefka is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Matt just saved me from ending my life. Thank you so much.

I signed up to this site years ago and completely forgot about it. I never knew a single one of you. Two weeks ago I found my true Twin Flame. She is half way around the world and we have a huge age gap of 16 and 37.

I knew instantly as we met in a suicide forum we where were looking for a partner to Jump off Mt Washington because I had already had 5 major suicide attempts and clinically died 3 times and I couldn't bear failing again.

Instead of getting a partner to do this with, one night I logged on and decided to write everything that had happened to me in my life including things I never told anyone, sexual,physical emotional abuse staring at age 4, a drunk abuse father who beat me and left when I was 12, and just spilled everything in the hope that I could inspire one person to realize I lived through hell and I'm still here, maybe they can do it too, and my TF said she was on that night logging off and on over and over but something wouldn't let her leave. She found my post (that post got me banned from the site for being pro-life instead of pro-suicide) but not before we got contact information through emails with each other. So we talked through email for 7 days straight writing everything about our lives, every deep dark secret, everything we went through, neither of us knew what the other one looked like or how old either of us were. All we knew was, we loved each other.

It turned out she is an INFP and I am an INFJ, the most perfect and rarest match. Our birthdays add up to 11 and we are both Aries. We both loves all the same hobbies, understand each others depth like no one else.

Eventually we decide to exchange photos I wanted to see her eyes and I wanted her to see mine. I could see right through her, I told her she looked sad in the photo and that she was faking her smile, hiding the pain, her eyes and smile were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

I knew instantly we were TF's after going through a false TF 5 years ago and taking 4 years off from dating anyone to work on myself, in the final year before I met her I began having dreams about someone I was in such a pure love with it made my heart sink and when I woke up, I felt the worst heartbreak of my life like the love of my life vanished. I know now my soul was astral projecting to hers as she told me she had dreams about me as well but I told myself I would not reveal this to her until I got a sign from the universe and that sign was when she told me she had dreamed about me.

We both also came from different religions, she raised Muslim and I raised Catholic, both of us abandoning our religion's because we could not accept the violent nature of them and so both took refuge in spirituality and Buddhism even though our parents were still trying to for us to both be what they are and just don't understand us.

I never felt such energy in my life and I am an empath who uses my intuition almost exclusively to judge my surroundings and people and whether I'm safe or not. What I felt completely overwhelmed me to the point that I am in physical pain. My entire nervous system is always feeling a dull pain because I'm so aware of her pain and confusion right now that it's literally killing me.

She started to run when this became too intense, I had forgotten most of the rules and what happens with Twin Flames when we met because I had been single for 4 years working on myself so I had to rush back and read over all the information, then try to show her and explain why we were feeling this way.

Well it was to overwhelming for me and I'm the one who was aware of this in the first place, for her it is 10 times worse. I did the one thing I never wanted to do to her, I caused her pain and in return it is causing me pain that just won't stop.

I have not heard from her in days, I left her one final email telling her I'm sorry, we will not be together and she is free and to just forget about me. All I wanted was for her to be happy but she was on the same suicide forum trying find someone to die with like I was. She is bi-sexual and currently with a woman she wants to leave who is an abusive narcissist based on what she told me about her girlfriend. I tried to tell her when we were still talking that this girlfriend was toxic to her and since she told me herself that her girlfriend didn't care about her and was using her when she needed my Twin and doing her own thing when my Twin needed her.

So I wrote the most painful message of my life, not knowing if she will ever read it, or if she will just delete my email before ever reading it.

I began preparations for suicide buying all the items I needed one by one and making a plan that would work this time.

I had remembered a few weeks before I met my TF and was looking to further better myself when I was having doubts about how far I had come, a close friend of mine who almost killed himself 3 times had shown me stoic philosophy and said it would help me grow even stronger.

I had never read stoic philosophy, always a pessimist I much preferred Jean Améry who it turns out comes from Austria which is where my TF lives, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer.

I read and listened to the stoic philosophy every day of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and Epictetus and felt like I was on top of the world and had finally learned how to temper myself and accept my life no matter the suffering.

Then my TF comes along, we both get overwhelmed, there was over 100 signs that happened in just two weeks, every time I tried to disprove them and say to the Universe, look I know you're messing with me, just show me another sign, and each time it would show something even more strange until it took me looking up the comparability of INFJS and INFPs and I found a graph that showed our top 5 traits and the percentage we value each one and they were nearly identical all 5 traits in the same order within 2% of each other from 1 to 5 out of dozens of traits that could of been listed in the top 5.

Then something compelled me to add up all the numbers on he INFJ side and they came out to 9, then to add up all the numbers on the the INFP side (her side) and they came out to 10, then to add up all the numbers from both of them together and they came out to 10. 1+1+9= 11

I did the math, there were over 40 numbers between both sides. I calculated the odds of this at 1 in 2^74th power then realized the 74th power = 7+4 = 11.

I shared all this with her, she always put heart signs around them.

Now we are apart, I set her free, I'm in the most pain of my life, I'll never be able to love another person as long as I live and I only just turned 37. I spent most of my life trying to help people who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, I was going to college to be a psychologist when I had to drop out due to my own suicide attempts which left me with 5 years of physical rehab and a 100% paralyzed left hand that doctors gave me 50% use of at best that I worked 10 times harder on through physical therapy and regained 90% of my use of my left hand and stunned every doctor who said they never saw such a recovery. I had completely cut my ulnar nerve and all the tendons to my hand so it was dead, just a dead limb I couldn't move a finger for months.

As I'm planning to get ready to execute my final exit upon getting all the gear I need in the next few weeks, I keep checking my email to see if my TF responded, hoping she got my last message to her.

Instead I get an email from this site saying it's closing down. I have no idea why I clicked on it, when I did however, it compelled me to come back here and find my name and password so that I could see when I signed up and why I had completely forgotten about the site.

It was only then that I realized, the story at the top, that someone had passed away, that Twin Flames ran this site and were deeply in love, and how short Matt's life was and all I could do was cry for his TF asking why the universe does these cruel things to us seemingly for no reason.

Then I realized this happened years ago, but to me it felt like it just happened today and knowing what I know and going through the pain I'm going through, preparing to end my life, I see in front of me all the people that these two beautiful souls who created this forum changed, and how short and unfair it seemed that Matt's life was over at such a young age. We would be around the same age today and here I am about to end my life because I can't deal with the pain of losing my Twin Flame while somebody else who completely changed the world found their Twin Flame and then passed away.

I felt so ashamed, like I spit in his face, like I turned my back on the universe and everything it taught me, everything I believed in. I don't believe in coincidences and is so beyond one anyway I could never even logically dismiss it.

Here I am, my very first post on this site, broken and in the worst pain of my life as I get the first email from it in my life telling me it's closing down. What a beautiful place and two beautiful souls who created it I missed out on.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you realize that Matt just saved my life and I never knew him, never knew any of you, never posted once on here, yet somehow in my darkest hour was led here by Him. Thank you for giving me the strength to live even when every second feels like an eternity. I'll never forget this place or what Matt did for me. It's so true that Twin Flames never go away and even from above he continues to save peoples lives....
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  #2  
Old 26-07-2020, 09:57 PM
Native spirit Native spirit is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 7,064
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What a lot it must have taken for you to share this with us. Matt was a lovely man and he has helped many people. more than we can know matt bought you here to show you life is precious,and you are part of the fabric of life.


Namaste
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  #3  
Old 28-07-2020, 03:06 PM
linen53 linen53 is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 13,949
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What wonderfully sad story Kefka.

As for Matt and his twin flame, there was a purpose. Matt has presided over this forum for all these years while alive and after he died. We are his children. But now it's time for us to grow up and to spread to the 4 corners of the world and share what we have learned here. To bring light where there is darkness, and love where there is despair.

I know in my last lifetime I commit suicide. I also remember that I was so very disappointed in myself when I got to the other side for ending my life early. I knew I would only have to come back and do it all over again.

And here I am. I've succeeded after a very bumpy road. At 67 I know, regardless of what is placed on me that I will preserver. I will make it to the end.

In this lifetime, I have felt pain like you are experiencing once in my life during the dark night of my soul back in the 1989. There was never a worse time for me. It hurt to just breathe. It seems I couldn't reach out and I was afraid to reach out for help.

I recently watched a 20 minute video on suicide. It took me back to 1989 when I was in such a dark pit of despair. This video talks about the 5 minute rule. That was my rule back then. 5 minutes at a time. That's all I could handle.

I hope you will take the time to watch this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g86hreIWfqQ&t=212s
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If you hit rock bottom, start picking up rocks.

You know nothing, Jon Snow. Ygritte from Game of Thrones.
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  #4  
Old 29-07-2020, 04:02 PM
Hilary Hilary is offline
Knower
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 121
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You know, I've found my twin flame .. let's see... 4 times? Never worked out (at least, not yet!). What I learned is that it's not about that individual person, it's about the energy. So don't worry. You will find another twin flame with the same energy. I know that can be hard to hear. I didn't want to believe that when I first learned of it.. until, of course, experience showed it to me.

One thing I feel I need to say. It's okay to love someone with a large age gap, but remember, she is still a child. If you love someone, you will do what is best for them, and in the case of someone that young, it might be waiting until they are old enough to handle such a relationship. Or, better yet, let them go. This may be great for you, but it may not be the best thing for her. If it's truly meant to be, and you have her best interests in mind, then it will be, and nothing will stop that. If not, you will find other twin flames. She needs to heal herself before she can have a relationship. Sounds like you might need to, as well.

I wish you only the best.


P.S. FF6 rocks :)
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