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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 24-05-2016, 06:55 PM
002 Cents 002 Cents is offline
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Love vs Logic... Moving Forward

My husband and I have had a rough year.

For a few months we were even dating other people. Both of our relationships were online. Both of us fell in love with these other people. Even though that is all behind us at this point, we may still end up getting divorced because of a rift on my end that may never be mended. And it is sad because we are amazing as a team. We have made a great life together, we are raising some wonderful kids.

But, I don't know if I can ever love him again like I used to.

Now, I am struggling with a division in my heart. For some God forsaken reason, I am still in love with one of the other men I dated while we were seeing other people. I still feel a tremendous pull towards him even though I know we have both moved on. And I know he is no good for me.

Anyhow, I keep trying to use metaphors, logic and statistical probabilities to keep myself on track. (possibly in part because of the Aspergers)


I figure, when I started dating my husband there was a solid 82% compatibility with an 93% chance at success and a minimal risk factor.

Whereas now, we are about at about 80% compatibility with a 72% chance at success and a slightly larger risk factor.

With this other guy there is only about 27% compatibility with a 20% chance at success and a tremendous risk factor.

It's like, if life is a massive ocean, my husband is like taking it on with a sturdy barge vs this other guy who is like taking it on with a paddle and not so much as a stray piece of driftwood.


So, what idiotic part of my brain is so insistent on keeping me prisoner to this attraction?

In a response about online love in another thread, I defined it as a form of psychosis. I tell myself if I knew him in person I wouldn't have this hangup. All of these incompatibility issues would be very real and the little feel goods of him being kind or attentive wouldn't be enough to make my brain fall out of my head.

So illogical!

I'm not saying I want to be rid of him we are amazing as friends. And friends are like life vests. Not enough to make a life on but enough to keep you afloat until you figure something out.

My husband is committed to this, to us and trying to make this work. At least he says he is and I really want to believe that. I think that is another huge factor in me not being able to let the wall down. The first time he asked me to trust him again it was easy. It was everything I wanted and everything I had been hoping for since things had gone bad between us. The second and third only got harder. Now it is the fourth time and I feel like as a human being he is the kind of man I should be able to put my faith into. But at the same time, I just keep going, "You gotta look out for you. No one else can protect your heart the way you can. Don't let him hurt you again."

Now if only I could get my stupid brain to quit trying to make a barge out of a life vest we would be all set.

Wisdom welcome.
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Old 24-05-2016, 07:04 PM
Baile Baile is online now
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Originally Posted by 002 Cents
Wisdom welcome.
Well I don't know about wisdom...

Two 10-year unhappy and never-actually-in-love relationships, followed by meeting someone who I truly loved. Now I say to everyone: If you do not love your partner 100%, if you spend any of your time thinking of others, do both of you a favor and leave, and go find that which is singing in your heart.

That said, it sounds like you've already decided to stay with your husband, so that's perfect as well. Whatever you do is perfect. Life is precious and beautiful and magnificent, even the confusion and pain bits, once we joyfully recognize it for the cosmic dramedy it is. We have many lifetimes to experience it all.
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Old 24-05-2016, 07:08 PM
002 Cents 002 Cents is offline
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I adored him. I didn't want anyone else. Even when I dreamt of other men I would experience sadness and weeping in the dream while I tried to understand why my husband wasn't there.

The problem is, my heart is so guarded now. I am depressed all the time, my self-esteem took a huge hit. So, right now I am between hopeful and miserable all the time.
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Old 25-05-2016, 10:46 AM
Baile Baile is online now
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Originally Posted by 002 Cents
The problem is, my heart is so guarded now. I am depressed all the time, my self-esteem took a huge hit.
I re-read your first post to try and understand where this is coming from, but I can't figure it out. What happened that you're now guarded, and your self-esteem is gone? And I noticed you said you're having trust issues with your husband, as if he did something to lose your trust, but I don't see the reason as to why that is. I thought the issue was simply about trying to get someone off your mind.
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  #5  
Old 25-05-2016, 02:38 PM
Lorelyen
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You have kids. You brought them into the world and they started 100% dependent on you. As they grow they become their own people. Like it or not, children and family give people purpose. An entire system has grown around that idea.

I'm never sympathetic to parents breaking up while their kids are still of school age - not of independent means and much though relationships might be unpalatable, the inherent selfishness has to be overcome to exercise responsibilities. What do your kids think?

When people have kids they have to swap rights and privileges for responsibility and duty.

Having said that, living forever with someone you can't stand isn't an option. You've been married some time. It's been a bit up and down. But you won't have missed how ephemeral love can be. You can NEVER know if you are "in love" with someone unless you've lived with them, suffered their bad days, seen how ready they are to support you in times of trouble or illness, and really loved the good days....all without sex because unless the person is truly creative, that's going to fade out into routines...the usual positions on the usual nights (LOL) usual approaches... etc..

But there it is, throwing yourself on the seas of fate. You have to take a chance. It rests with you. If you think he's good in bed or wherever else you do it, reflect on how things usually pan out. New romance is one thing. An enduring relationship is another.

ooooOoooo
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  #6  
Old 25-05-2016, 05:28 PM
002 Cents 002 Cents is offline
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Originally Posted by Baile
I re-read your first post to try and understand where this is coming from, but I can't figure it out. What happened that you're now guarded, and your self-esteem is gone? And I noticed you said you're having trust issues with your husband, as if he did something to lose your trust, but I don't see the reason as to why that is. I thought the issue was simply about trying to get someone off your mind.

It all started when he had to stop playing sports. That is when he turned to online gaming. At first I figured his new obsession would be short lived, but when it wasn't, it became a source of tention between us. Eventually, I started trying to find other things to occupy my time. Hanging out with other moms, arranging play dates... There was usually at least one mom I was practically joined at the hip with lugging our kids around all over the place for little adventures. Trips to libraries and hiking, going to parks or movies... lots of swimming.

We still managed to find time together. I was a house wife and I would wakeup with him at 4am to make coffee and his lunch and watch a bit of the news before he had to go to work.

When our landlord sold our place, we ended up having to move away and I had to take 2 jobs to make ends meet. One of which I wouldn't be out from until 2am most nights. This cut into our morning time but I would still make sure he had coffee waiting for him when he woke. As his video gaming habit persisted, I sort of settled into a routine that involved binge watching various programs on Netflix but I still missed him and wanted him to spend time with me so I started luring him away from the computer with sexual favors. This backfired as it then became the only way he was spending time with me and somehow that made me feel even worse. Him coming home expecting me to please him before he would ditch me for his game.

I eventually started spending quite a bit of time online myself. I developed a little group of online friends and when one of them fell ill I started spending a bulk of that extra time checking up and making sure he was in good spirits. It gave me something to do and I never hid it from my husband. For about the first week he seemed a little jealous. Then Mother's day came and to my surprise, he bought me a laptop so I didn't have to struggle with my cell phone trying to message this person in the evenings while he was gaming.

This was soooooo out of the norm for us. I hate spending money and I am the last person who would have wanted something so expensive.

At any rate... that was his response to the situation.

I eventually came to realize he was talking to someone himself. I didn't know who she was or any of those details he never talked about it. I just figured their friendship was the same as me and the other guy. But his behavior became extremely suspicious. He had started removing my wedding ring when we would be intimate and freaked out one time when I had grabbed his cell phone. It was 5 days before my birthday when I found out he had an online gf. It had been six months since they started talking and 2 months since they started dating.

And... that was something I wasn't prepared for. My friend and I were never more than just friends. So him having this intimate relationship with another woman even in an online setting broke me in a huge way. That is when we started seeing other people. I didn't know how I was going to come to terms with what he'd done or if i could ever come to terms with it, my emotions were a big mess. As it were I did not date the aforementioned friend, to this day he has never been more than a friend and now we aren't even in touch with one another.

I started using vices to ease the pain. Drinking and smoking. Dated one online friend briefly then another. One in particular though, God... it was like he was oxygenating my soul. My whole demeanour changed while we were dating. I remember going to work one night and having 6 people ask me if I had changed my hair. The only new thing in my life at that point was him and that was the day we had made love(online) for the first time. It was a little startling that something so small could make such a noticeable change.

It was December and things had long since ended between me and him. Though, we maintained an unusually close friendship, both of our lives were just too complicated for anything more to make sense between us. Dec 17th was the day it came to a head for me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He responded by breaking it off with his girlfriend and telling me he wanted to work on us.

It was what I had wanted for quite a while. So, I was elated. I thought he had finally come to his senses and my life was going to go back to normal.

Christmas eve, I noticed him acting oddly again and asked to see the conversations between him and this other woman. Come to find out, the day after he "broke it off" with her he was right back on skype having online sex with her. I told him in that moment, that the only reason I was even with him was for the kids.

After that, I made him cut communication with her. I needed more than his word that he was going to be committed to us.

We sat around miserable for the next week, hardly speaking, scowling at one another from opposite sides of the room. I had started sleeping on the couch. New years eve he confessed that he was messaging her via e-mail and only the day before that my friend had admitted to me that he was still in love with me and wanted to see where things could go, so my husband and I agreed we were going to go back to dating other people.

Everything about this situation from the very beginning was just completely overwhelming. It was more than I could handle and I found myself many times just wanting to get away to clear my head so I booked a cruise for me and my sister departing in Feb. It was 4 nights of partying and crazy fun that I had really never gotten to experience because I had my first kid before I was drinking age. It was amazing.

While I was on my trip my husband had lots of time to realize what life without me would be like, managing the kids and the home all by himself. He ended things with her again, and this time, he cut communication on his own.

I came home from the cruise to a spotless house and a lobster dinner.

He asked me to break things off with my friend and though it felt like literally ripping my own heart out of my chest I did.

For two days I was in complete anguish over the breakup. My friend had been the only thing keeping me afloat for the longest time. We were each other's life vests when our ships sank. It actually caused me physical pain having to cut him out of the picture. I honestly wasn't sure there was anything worth salvaging of my marriage. I didn't feel like I could trust my husband. Any love I felt for him was so guarded. I had emotionally distanced myself for my own good.

Two nights after the break up I would wake up in the middle of the night to pain in my chest that was made worse every time I took a breath. As the night drew on it moved up into my neck. When I woke the next morning there was blood in my mouth.

It was a pulmonary embolism.

I ended up in the hospital for a day and a half while they pumped me full of blood thinners trying to clear the clot in my lung.

My husband brought the kids by to visit me once for about 20 minutes. And then I didn't see him again until it was time to be discharged. This is when he told me he had started talking to her again. I was in the hospital for one day and he had started talking to her again. Here I was, with a potentially fatal blood clot and instead of being there for me... he was off with her?

A couple of days later I caught him talking to her again and I told him that the only way this was going to work was if he stopped talking to her.

To my knowledge he hasn't spoken to her since. Though, knowing that if he did I would leave him... I am not sure how honest he is being about that.

So... that is the short version.

Assuming any of you make it to the end...

I spend most of my days depressed now trying like hell to ward off all the negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to let my guard down enough to love and trust my Husband again.

My friend and I are still in touch we are actually writing a book together now. Even though we are not intimately involved, something about our bond still feels like oxygen for my soul. It really is like nothing I have ever experienced. But I am convinced we were never meant to be together. That maybe God just brought us together to write this book. Even if the only purpose it ever serves is in helping with the healing process.
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Old 25-05-2016, 05:32 PM
002 Cents 002 Cents is offline
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Originally Posted by Lorelyen
You have kids. You brought them into the world and they started 100% dependent on you. As they grow they become their own people. Like it or not, children and family give people purpose. An entire system has grown around that idea.

I'm never sympathetic to parents breaking up while their kids are still of school age - not of independent means and much though relationships might be unpalatable, the inherent selfishness has to be overcome to exercise responsibilities. What do your kids think?

When people have kids they have to swap rights and privileges for responsibility and duty.

Having said that, living forever with someone you can't stand isn't an option. You've been married some time. It's been a bit up and down. But you won't have missed how ephemeral love can be. You can NEVER know if you are "in love" with someone unless you've lived with them, suffered their bad days, seen how ready they are to support you in times of trouble or illness, and really loved the good days....all without sex because unless the person is truly creative, that's going to fade out into routines...the usual positions on the usual nights (LOL) usual approaches... etc..

But there it is, throwing yourself on the seas of fate. You have to take a chance. It rests with you. If you think he's good in bed or wherever else you do it, reflect on how things usually pan out. New romance is one thing. An enduring relationship is another.

ooooOoooo

Sex has never been the problem. And I will never consign myself to a lifetime of misery for a man. I divorced my sons father because he was abusive and believe me their mother being happy is as beneficial for them as it is for me.

I would rather figure out how to make our marriage work but not as a prison sentence out of some misguided ideal.
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Old 25-05-2016, 05:56 PM
Baile Baile is online now
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So... that is the short version.
Ha-ha!

Boy oh boy, I know a couple who had a similar relationship story, identical in some details. I cared for them both, and often thought they'd have been better off apart, something I never got around to saying to them because it's just not my business. People know what they want and do what they do, often for reasons they don't understand until years later. I know from my own failed relationships that hanging around for years longer than I wanted to, was always part of the equation. And in each case, I see now why I stuck around and continued plugging away, even if the relationship was doomed to fail anyway. I had things to learn, plus I was unknowingly setting up the circumstances of the next phase of my life, even while still involved in that phase.

So what about the two of you keeping house and caring for the kids, everything except the intimate relationship stuff? Freeing each other up and having your own friends. Just a suggestion, I never had kids so I have no idea if something like that would work. But it popped into my head while reading so I thought I'd say. I can tell you what I would do if someone essentially cheated on me once, let alone three times, but we're all different and in different situations. Good luck to you and all the best.

Also, my brother stayed together with his partner "for the kids" and worked 2-3 jobs while she did nothing other than continually threaten to kick him out and keep the house. Now 25 years later his kids adore him and basically refuse to speak to their mother. Kids aren't necessarily better off in situations where parents decide to stay together for the kids. They pick up on the energy and it affects them. Lucky for my brother it turned out okay for him though. But kids hating their mom... that's not so good, even if she deserved it.
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Old 25-05-2016, 06:17 PM
002 Cents 002 Cents is offline
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Originally Posted by Baile
Ha-ha!

Boy oh boy, I know a couple who had a similar relationship story, identical in some details. I cared for them both, and often thought they'd have been better off apart, something I never got around to saying to them because it's just not my business. People know what they want and do what they do, often for reasons they don't understand until years later. I know from my own failed relationships that hanging around for years longer than I wanted to, was always part of the equation. And in each case, I see now why I stuck around and continued plugging away, even if the relationship was doomed to fail anyway. I had things to learn, plus I was unknowingly setting up the circumstances of the next phase of my life, even while still involved in that phase.

So what about the two of you keeping house and caring for the kids, everything except the intimate relationship stuff? Freeing each other up and having your own friends. Just a suggestion, I never had kids so I have no idea if something like that would work. But it popped into my head while reading so I thought I'd say. I can tell you what I would do if someone essentially cheated on me once, let alone three times, but we're all different and in different situations. Good luck to you and all the best.

Also, my brother stayed together with his partner "for the kids" and worked 2-3 jobs while she did nothing other than continually threaten to kick him out and keep the house. Now 25 years later his kids adore him and basically refuse to speak to their mother. Kids aren't necessarily better off in situations where parents decide to stay together for the kids. They pick up on the energy and it affects them. Lucky for my brother it turned out okay for him though. But kids hating their mom... that's not so good, even if she deserved it.


Thanks :)

I keep watching for signs. I feel like we are supposed to stay together and my hurdles are all internal at this point. For me it is heavily weighted on the book at this point. I keep getting signs even. Not even subtle ones.

For example I hardly browse the threads these days but one day early on with the book I started getting bored and wondering why I was doing it. I opened a random thread that I didn't even end up reading and went on to other things. When I came back later I realized the persons avitar was the name of the book. And their signature was the definition of the image which was the entire first page of the book.

Then I realized one of the regular customers at one of my jobs is a writer in the genre I am writing in and we exchanged information. I kid you not, one night I sent him off a message while I was working on the book asking him some random literary question and I look down and my word count is at 16161

Angel numbers that mean I am going to need to ask for help on the next big venture in my life

The universe is speaking to me. And if anything good can come from all this... I will have to accept it as being part of Gods plan. I can live with that. In the mean time I have to stay out of my head!
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