Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
Well, I hope you sort it out for yourself.
I don't know enough of the situation and him of course, but I also feel the roses are only a moment. His regret may be genuine, but if this is embedded in him it won't last.
I hope I'm wrong, but yeah...
Good thing you are starting to question things. A good sign. It means you are beginning to see it's not normal and you're not treated as you should be and growing unhappy with it.
For you, your children, and your self-esteem this is a very good step forward!
As for making the tough decision when it turns out this is needed... never easy. But trust me, you will get over that too. Because if you get to making that choice you know it's the right one to make.
I do hope he will change... I really do.
Lots of love
Hi FairyCrystal, thank you so much, I feel your compassion.
I am so sorry you have in the past fallen a victim of a narcissist. So happy the narcissist didn't win! You are someone very, very strong to have done this : )
My love is sadly the child of a narcissist.I have been told in numerous ways that I am not good enough for it's glorious son.
I think I have figured out something about myself. I can fall out of love even if it is a strong love and then it is because I don't dare to be vulnerable, relaxed (Safe).
This is when it has happened in the past in past relationship and no matter if I wanted to or not the in-love feeling did not return.
I can still love and care for a person, but it's over - the in love feeling - and there is nothing I can do about it. It's too late. I'm not there anymore. And that's really sad, if not tragic, but I can't help it. My dream too has died. I too have grieved.
The only reason why I said it to him if we should live apart instead is to save the relationship, the family really, to have me in a state where I am still in love, because something is happening to me and I can't hold back the processe.
I got the great sensation of relief of just the thought of me living in a household without him. It was shocking even to me.
I think he and the rest of the pedants out there in the world think they are doing a good thing and are surprised when being critiqued about it, I mean why, right? They're doing everything right - I'm the one less. But this is a priority lesson.
He has been brought up in household where his Mum was always home. We both work. It is different. Logically he seem to get that, but then there is something else - like he ain't getting it.
When I talked with the kids about a possible change in the moving arrangement one instantly hugged me and said "I wanna go with you!". I was kind of shocked by that. I tried to explain that no, that is not what I meant, we are going then, if it happens, to live in two different places close to each other so you will have 2 homes. The child just looked up at me and said "Yeah, but I still wanna go with you".
The one saying "I-want-to-go-with-you" is a child who I know loves and adores Dad as he do right back, but this child does too find it hard to adapt to his cleaning rules. He has been at her .Says she has to learn. She is too young to learn it his way. I try to fix away their stuff just so that they won't get in trouble with him. We help to try to have it done his way. It is pretty much the Führer's step I hear when he comes in the door and we're like little soldiers.
I have not told him what she has said because I think it will break his heart and I am afraid it will cause him to favorize another child maybe even if he does not want to. Maybe the child just said that in the moment to make me feel better, who knows. I did not make a thing out of it.
At the same time he is putting down this child as he has done with me too. I don't know what term of words I should chose to make him understand it is not just me this is hurting, it is her too. Just as I she can't live up to the expectations he has and it has just come to a point where one does not care anymore, one is done trying because it is never good enough anyhow, we are not good enough anyhow. And what make him think he is? This is terms he has not thought off before, that it can be seen as something bad. The way he looks at us and our home is as if we are slobs or something which we are not. It has to be his way.
Right now things has been vulnerable. He is careful now around me but it is not a stage where I want him to be at, inside. I just wants us back where we use to be before all this took over over time. This is not the only problem we have dealt in the past, mine or his, our our fault all together, or dealing with.
If we are able to turn this thing around it will be at the 11th hour. I know that now. I did not realize it before, but now I do. Once I fall out of love I don't fall back in. I don't know about him, only he can answer but I don't take any man's love for granted. Been left in the past.
I think one fault he has made and me too is that we have minimized the problem as it is just about things, right? Things to clean and things to put away - but it's not people. Spirits. That need to come in the first room, and not those dead things.
My family would, will not behave like some of the things someone, some has been on his side of his first family to me (narcissist-warnings), my love has never been treated like that in return. Just never. We would not even think of it. It has been said out in the open and in other ways that I am not good enough for their son. I am these days indifferent to such attitude but only care if a child gets hurt. I stand up for the child. I won't let it slide.
At gatherings on his side children are placed in the back where one does not have to see how they eat or what mess has been made. If a child drops something out of accident - the look in their faces - it is as if there is suddenly a dead body (murdered) on the floor instead of the object/objects dropped. It is such a big deal. Never mind one can just clean it up. I can still hear them in the background one time "Whaaat?! You clean it up! Right now! Right now!". Appauled, they are. Very strong reaction. And it is not as if they have kids around there often anyhow so it is hard to imagine why it would get on their nerves.
The kids behave overly well there and as soon as we get out they let their gard down and become emotional. I see signs that they have not been able to relax. Hell, I can't relax either. I try to. I also see that the kids are completely themselves, good and bad, with us, with friends and so on. Lots of their friends parents whish to have play dates with them, take them with them at home and they always go all went well .I mean they themselves are just normal kids, but the expectations with my love's circle are way up there. Everything is perfect on the surface but that is as far as it goes.
Needless to mention is that I don't have the same view as they do at times when it comes to raising children. I was told when an infant cried that it is good, they say, that the baby cries, just let it cry, just let it cry. they would try to stop me from going to my own baby to comfort it and find out what was wrong. Who the hell does that. Who interfers when a mother comes to comfort her own child? Well, they do. I did not let them stop me naturally and ignored them. I can't help but feel sorry for my love if they have just let him cry himself exhausted when he was a baby without trying to help and excusing this behavoir by some old saying that it is good for them. My Mum hated that saying. She said, firmly, if a baby cries it cries for a reason, it is either a diaper that need change, the child is hungry, or have stumach aiche, or is afraid or something else, or just need a little warmth and love. It is your job as parent, as the adult, to try to find out what it is and try to fix it. No child cries without a reason, what do they think? That it is fun to cry?
I would hold my baby close to me, skin to skin, and would and will hug my child and say I love you. The way my parents done with me. The narcissist said straight on to me not do that as if it was any business of theirs. Just because it happened in the narcissist presence. They try to make the rules, as you must too sadly have experienced... I can go on and on, but won't. It is just boring stuff. I try to not let those ways effect us.
I truly appreciate all the great advice given by you and ya'all in this thread. It is very much helpful. Lots of love right back at ya :)