CauseD COMPLETE ego death - will I be ok?

[Sarahpro]

Hi there,
I was in mid spiritual awKening the last few years. Then My mind totally lost balance a few months ago and, trying to meditate my way out of it, I caused ego death. Like I had just taken psychedelics- all of the concepts, Sense of personality, sense of time, dissolved, leaving nothing but the breath. However, fear persisted, and the chatter came back, but it was all just shame and paranoia related L. Since then the shadow part of my ego has only gotten stronger- the inferiority/superiority etc, and making me feel further away from love.
I read an Osho quote and he said, you need a healthy ego in order to dissolve it. I am not really sure what to do about this- I am desperate to reexperience love but as I remember it , it happened as a moment of no-self. Right now my ego is so strong there is no room for it. I am waiting for that a-ha moment to happen again but it feels more and more elusive and I get further into despair.
What did happen on Monday though was I cried for a few hours- this was a temporary connection with myself and the divine, it felt like. But nothing like my awakening- that was such purity, timelessness, etc.

[JustBe]

We have experiences to open and become aware we are more than we have come to know of ourselves through our conditioned ideas. You’ve had that. The ‘attachments and desires’ to ‘have it again often take hold, to open and clear those attachments.

The joy and love of your being is a spontaneous arising, without force, need or wants, that cling.

The feelings within all your experiencing are the key to letting go, reconnecting to that timeless, open, true self.

When all the bells and whistles die down, many struggle with their humaness that seeks them to integrate deeper all of themselves seeking to be acknowledged.

With awareness now, you can move through things on the surface to know more, to know and feel that true self. You’ll begin to see everything on the surface is temporary and what is left is that being you’ve felt and know is ‘right’ as truth.

The ego is the driver that drives attachments, needs, desires if it’s unhealthy, a healthy ego you could say is one that knows itself as ‘no self’ and the driver is balanced equanimity and peace.

[JustBe]

You will be fine by the way.

It’s all a process and journeying deeper to know your true authentic self.

The ego death is really the point where you can ressurect yourself and live with awareness of who you truly are.

Life goes on and so do you...

[Ciona]

It's normal to shift into a new level of awareness and then right back out again to adjust and experience anew, until the nervous system is ready for more and further and deeper experience. Perfectly normal. It takes time for the physical body to adjust to the new vibration. Your body is on a journey too. A good daily practice of self care and love, patience with and trusting the process helps.

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi there,
I was in mid spiritual awKening the last few years. Then My mind totally lost balance a few months ago and, trying to meditate my way out of it, I caused ego death. Like I had just taken psychedelics- all of the concepts, Sense of personality, sense of time, dissolved, leaving nothing but the breath. However, fear persisted, and the chatter came back, but it was all just shame and paranoia related L. Since then the shadow part of my ego has only gotten stronger- the inferiority/superiority etc, and making me feel further away from love.
I read an Osho quote and he said, you need a healthy ego in order to dissolve it. I am not really sure what to do about this- I am desperate to reexperience love but as I remember it , it happened as a moment of no-self. Right now my ego is so strong there is no room for it. I am waiting for that a-ha moment to happen again but it feels more and more elusive and I get further into despair.
What did happen on Monday though was I cried for a few hours- this was a temporary connection with myself and the divine, it felt like. But nothing like my awakening- that was such purity, timelessness, etc.

You say you caused ego death, but from your story it sounds a lot more like you scared it and ****ed it off, and now it is growling and hissing at you whenever you look its way.

IDK, but I think perhaps one might try to make peace with yourself and let some of the fear settle down a bit. One cannot push water up the river. Perhaps practice a bit of Wu wei and see what flows from that.
A vid for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNLaioC0mVQ

[running]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi there,
I was in mid spiritual awKening the last few years. Then My mind totally lost balance a few months ago and, trying to meditate my way out of it, I caused ego death. Like I had just taken psychedelics- all of the concepts, Sense of personality, sense of time, dissolved, leaving nothing but the breath. However, fear persisted, and the chatter came back, but it was all just shame and paranoia related L. Since then the shadow part of my ego has only gotten stronger- the inferiority/superiority etc, and making me feel further away from love.
I read an Osho quote and he said, you need a healthy ego in order to dissolve it. I am not really sure what to do about this- I am desperate to reexperience love but as I remember it , it happened as a moment of no-self. Right now my ego is so strong there is no room for it. I am waiting for that a-ha moment to happen again but it feels more and more elusive and I get further into despair.
What did happen on Monday though was I cried for a few hours- this was a temporary connection with myself and the divine, it felt like. But nothing like my awakening- that was such purity, timelessness, etc.

i wouldn't be alarmed. its all part of the process and pass.

[Sarahpro]

Thanks for the responses . I really don’t think this was meant to happen. I went to deep into meditation and afterward literally felt like God , looked at people and had a genuine feeling I’d created them. It was ****ing terrifying. I know it sounds delusional but it was experientially a really deep thing. That shouldn’t have happened for another twenty years. Basically my personality is gone...it’s as though I’m permanently high on mushrooms . Can’t function, can’t think, can’t heal
But yeah I still want to hear if anyone else has experienced this and was actually ok after.

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi there,
I was in mid spiritual awKening the last few years. Then My mind totally lost balance a few months ago and, trying to meditate my way out of it, I caused ego death. Like I had just taken psychedelics- all of the concepts, Sense of personality, sense of time, dissolved, leaving nothing but the breath. However, fear persisted,

When you experience ego-death - not what often passes as ego-death on this forum - the ego and all of its 'contents' - collapses into the self and there is no sense of 'I am'. It usually happens after a very traumatic experience but some Adepts have achieved it via meditation and the like. The only trouble is they have to be spoon-fed and have their daipers changed. If you experienced fear during your ego-death then it wasn't ego-death, because if your ego is truly dead then you have no ego to generate/experience it.

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

I read an Osho quote and he said, you need a healthy ego in order to dissolve it. I am not really sure what to do about this- I am desperate to reexperience love but as I remember it , it happened as a moment of no-self. Right now my ego is so strong there is no room for it. I am waiting for that a-ha moment to happen again but it feels more and more elusive and I get further into despair.

Yes you do need a healthy ego but you have to understand the clinical ego and not the psuedo-psychology chatter. Accepting yourself as you are would be a good start, having shame and paranoia means you're a long way from that. Until such time as you address the inferiority/superiority and the shame and paranoia you're never going to find any kind of stability, and all you're going to have is inner conflict. I don't think Spirituality is helping any either, often it becomes a fantasy land, a haven away from accepting and dealing with inner conflict and issues and that only makes the situation worse.

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

..... I went to deep into meditation and afterward literally felt like God , looked at people and had a genuine feeling I’d created them. ....

But yeah I still want to hear if anyone else has experienced this and was actually ok after.

That does not sound delusional at all as that in a very real sense is true. IMO, in a very real sense, you are God, and you are creating them, along with everything else. Think of a dream when you sleep, everything and everybody in it is created by you, there you are certainly God. Your waking shared reality is much the same, only you are willingly sharing in the information your consciousness is using to co-create this waking dream world and you give up total control over the other characters in it. Yes, you are using information from beyond your individual consciousness to create with, but you are still creating it all.

It sounds to me like you got a peek behind the curtain and it frightened and threatened that sense of self that arises when we identify self with the illusory constructed model of self called ego.

I have had similar experiences many times, and as long as my mind is not over agitated to start with, I have even learned to enter that state of mind at will by using trigger words. I have always found that experience to be profoundly peaceful, like the weight of the world is lifted from my being, and I can just sit back and watch the flow of events, knowing that behind it I am creating it all.

Ego is, among other things, a first person point of view with which your consciousness participates in its own co-created reality. It allows you to be a character in the drama rather than a spectator viewing from above like with a third person point of view. Through the eyes of the ego, the events are happening to you, not just happening, you become immersed into the story. Yet the ego is something your mind created, shaping it with the events of life.
It is not something separate from you to be killed off, it is you looking at your creation in a particular limited way.

I suspect that the reason you became so freaked out is not because you experienced ego death, but because you are still strongly identified with your ego and yet were able to see beyond it into that third person point of view. From that point of view, you are God, looking down at your own creation, and all of that creation is you, there is no ego construct, everything is just you. Yet if you are still strongly identified with that ego, feeling like it is you, then it sets up a conflict within as what you have always felt as you, is nowhere to be found. It almost sounds like now that you have regained that ego identification, that familiar sense of me, you perhaps are hanging onto it for deal life, sort of suffering from some kind of PTSD.

Try to relax, what you triggered is not delusional, it is just another view of reality. It can be disturbing if one is still strongly identified with the ego. There is a condition called dissociative disorder that sounds very similar to your experience and it can be very traumatic to those who are affected.

[Sarahpro]

Thanks for the responses . Yes this is accurate- I was still identified with myself when it happened so my ego really kicked in hard. I’m not sure what to do now.... I know the ego isn’t supposed to be the enemy, but I feel it is separating me from love and happiness and connection so it’s just really hard to be with it