Can I ask for awakening overnight?

[Sarahpro]

Thanks for this
It’s kinda just hard to accept and trust right now because I can’t really bond with anyone or anything anymore, it’s like a total desert, thus each day longing even more for love and feeling more wounded. It’s so hard not to make demands on myself. And with things not getting any better in fact worsening I don’t know if I can trust they will get better

My heart is so wounded I wish I could just ask it gently to open up again

[Sarahpro]

So...so far no success but still praying
It just seems unfair. This fear I have no control over, has been eroding my heart mind and spirit. It seems unfair that I cannot just ask some magical universal force to heal me. To open my heart. Overnight.
I am worried that If I don’t ask it will never happen. I can not engage in life. I cannot open my heart. I need to. I need to experience the love and equanimity I once knew. The way I experienced it before was really mystical and magical. I am longing for this experience again but am worried I ****ed things up too much

[Sarahpro]

And it doesn’t seem like something that will just pass...the resisted fear is really persisting and fragmenting my mind and soul.... I NEED to be able to face it, I NEED equanimity
Why can’t angels just open my heart over night

[John32241]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Why can’t angels just open my heart over night

Hi,

Human existance is about Free Choice. No one can do for us what we must do for ourself.

John

[Sarahpro]

Originally Posted by John32241

Hi,

Human existance is about Free Choice. No one can do for us what we must do for ourself.

John

I do not know how to do it for myself at all

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

So...so far no success but still praying
It just seems unfair. This fear I have no control over, has been eroding my heart mind and spirit. It seems unfair that I cannot just ask some magical universal force to heal me. To open my heart. Overnight.
I am worried that If I don’t ask it will never happen. I can not engage in life. I cannot open my heart. I need to. I need to experience the love and equanimity I once knew. The way I experienced it before was really mystical and magical. I am longing for this experience again but am worried I ****ed things up too much

Why is it unfair? Why should some magical universal force step in and remove all your issues? What would you learn from that?

Yes, you are suffering. Your suffering comes from resisting your fears. The only thing preventing you from opening your heart is yourself.

If you want to get back to that state of love and equanimity then perhaps the first thing to do is accept where you are, right now.

Peace

Overnight awakening is much too expensive. Even two day awakenings is a rip off. I would just go with standard.

[Sarahpro]

Well... it’s unfair because the resistance to the fear is doing damage...making me more socially withdrawn and more empty and causing. My heart to close. It is unfair that I cannot face this fear either- well I had my chance but went crazy instead. So can’t face it but can’t be with it.
Accepting where I’m at now means increasingly feeling disconnected from myself, my body, other people and activities. TRULY accepting myself means accepting the fear but I can’t, in the past I could only hold space for energies when I held some already existing self love. Which I am waiting for, so THEN I could face the fear , face all my issues.!

[Sarahpro]

Also this may sound super neurotic but in the past when I awakened , my heart opened when I was just noticing my breathing. Now, my ego is so wrapped up with my mind that it is DOING the breathing, it is not a no self experience. So I am worried it is impossible to truly relax and have space in between thoughts

I am not learning anything right now. I am floundering and completely stuck. If some magical universal force came in and removed this block for me, I’d be able to actually face my issues with equanimity. But....hmm. Still not ready to accept that it doesn’t work that way

There is so much love on the planet right now too but...I realize it isn’t a matter of filling my heart up with love...? But a matter of disidentifying so much with the ego
But again really unsure that this could happen if I have no ego structure

[Sarahpro]

Accepting where I am at now means accepting things worsening and going deeper into the dark. There must be something that can be done