I feel lost/incapable of spirituality

[rottenporcelain]

I wasn't sure how to title this, so I'm going to elaborate further on what I mean by "I feel lost and incapable of spirituality." Examples and experiences are the only way I really know how to elaborate so I hope it will all make sense later.

I turned 18 just a few days ago, and I've had an interest in spirituality since I was a child, but I hadn't dabbled in it until I was around 14-15.

For a bit of background information, I was raised in a Christian family. I remember trying to pray to God as a child and I never felt like he was listening to me. However, my friends and family would talk all the time about their experiences with God and how they talk to God very often, and he answers them. Not one time did I ever hear an answer from God, so I started to believe that I wasn't praying properly, and that only certain "special" people were able to communicate with God, and that I just wasn't one of those gifted people who deserved God's love and answers. This led me to eventually lose faith. Currently, I don't affiliate myself with a specific religion.

Fast forward to when I was 14, like any "edgy teen," I became interested in witchcraft. However, any time I would cast a spell or perform a ritual, it always felt like I was doing something wrong or missing a step. Oftentimes, I felt like I was doing nothing more than playing pretend like a child would. It's not that I don't believe in magick— I do! Like I said, I felt like I was missing a step in the spell/ritual, and I never felt like they were working. I figured that it's just because I wasn't experienced yet, but there was a voice inside my head telling me "You just weren't cut out for this. You're not gifted like your other witchy friends are. You're a fake. They have something special that you don't, can't, and never will have." It didn't help that these friends I'm thinking of would tell me to stop practicing witchcraft because they believed that it wasn't safe for me to do so (for context, I opened up to them about how my mom didn't want me doing witchcraft because "it says in the Bible not to do it.")

So, more about my friends and peers. It seems like a lot of my close friends and family members had some sort of crazy paranormal/spiritual experience but me. For example, during my freshman year of high school, I had a friend tell me that she saw a black hand emerging from her toy as a child. Another friend (who i'm friends with to this day) has had a plethora of paranormal experiences. Even my mother, on the night after my grandpa's funeral (he died of lung cancer when I was 12), felt something sitting on the edge of her bed, when no one was physically there. Presumably, it was my grandpa's spirit. In addition, just a few days ago, my mom told me that she was sitting out on the porch one morning (they say that cardinals are a sign that a deceased loved one is trying to contact you), and four cardinals were lined up on the fence, just staring at her. Ever since my grandma died when I was 16, I've felt heavily distressed that neither her nor my grandpa have ever contacted me, but they seem to always be trying to reach out to my mom. I understand that she's their daughter, but at this point, it feels like that if they really loved me, they would visit me like how they visit my mom.

(See the pattern? I felt the exact same way that I felt as a Christian child wondering why God wouldn't answer my prayers.)

One of the friends that I previously mentioned, when I told her that I was distressed that I didn't have the ability to see the things that she saw, said to me, "You don't want the ability to see these things." The thing is, I do. That's what no one understands; I know the spirit world exists. I know that magick exists. I know that a higher power exists. But something's blocking me from being able to see it— it's probably myself, but I don't know how to un-block myself, or open my third eye, if you will.

I hear that things like meditation help with increasing spiritual awareness/opening the third eye, but I feel like I can't reach a meditative state no matter how hard to try. Whenever I try to meditate, I don't feel like i'm meditating; there's too much noise inside my head and I can't turn it off. I hear things like, "listen to your intuition," or "ask the universe/your higher self/some other force for answers," but the thing is, I don't know how. I don't even know if I have an intuition, and if I do, I can't tell when it's telling me something.
Whenever I experience something that I think may be a spiritual encounter, I (and some of my more experienced friends) tend to think that it's because [insert mundane, logical thing here] happened.

I have crystals and I like to (try to) use them. The thing is, I don't know how to tell whether or not they're working when I "set my intention." Sometimes, I can't even tell when the intention is actually set. And that's with many other things, too; how do I know my spell has actually been casted? How do I know that my intention has actually been set? How do I know that my prayer is complete? How do I know that I've actually reached out to the force I'm trying to reach out to?

Basically, I want to connect to the spirit realm, and I want to actually understand spirituality, but I feel like I'm incapable, or that something is blocking me from accessing that realm. I know there's more than the physical world, but I can't access anything beyond it, it seems, and I've become quite frustrated and discouraged; I've been told by a few peers to just "take a break and forget about it," which just sounds to me like, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this. You're not special or gifted like we are and you'll never be capable of being a spiritual person."

I feel so empty and have no purpose. I want to be able to connect to deities and spirits. I want to be able to work with magick. But is it really in the cards for me? Am I capable of turning this around, or will I just never be awakened? Can I fix this and become enlightened, or is spirituality only for people who were born with special gifts?

[FallingLeaves]

im actually the same way, nothing 'special' ever happens to me in terms of spirituality... i know about the reality of it but have also been blocked...

for me the only claims I have to really anything spiritual are easily explained away as an illness... which is part of the reason I understand, that it kinda has to be that way as I wasn't as interested in special things happening to me, I was interested in standing out from the crowd and being considered a 'special' person... which I know that if I had 'spiritual abilities' that would make me stand out and be considered special????

To come to that realization I had to do a lot of soul-searching, and face harsh realities about myself, and later I considered what I would be doing to myself and others if I actually got my wish and was considered a 'special' person.

Now though after all that actually one of my biggest fears is I'll be dragged back into being considered 'special' again, I really really don't want it any more. I just think it an awful way to live.

[Unseeking Seeker]

Hello and welcome to Spiritual Forums.

Your mind-body is young but obviously you are an old soul, so you are drawn toward spirituality.

To get the basics right, we all are spirit indwelling form for experiencing duality and to grow in wisdom and love. The aspect of us that fears or desires is the ego or identity, which is concerned with this apparatus, the form we ensoul and therefore its urges are likely to be different from our true being.

Alright. All this you probably already know but no harm in a recap.

From your post, what it appears is lack of self-love. Hence doubt and low self-esteem. This needs to be fixed and fortunately it is easy to do so. Affirm your true Self as often as possible, that you are living light, a child dear to God.

Why do we not see God? Who asks? The ego, which we are not. It is God’s breath that keeps us alive. Don’t think. Feel it. Know it. Be it. In silence.

Be guided by that small voice of conscience. What is conscience? It is the voice of God Himself, within us, immediate and intimate.

Look at life as a journey through an adventure park. There are many secret trails and routes. It does not matter what others see. Your own path is unique, magical because the path appears as you tread upon it! Look around and within in wonderment and astonishment, from the eyes of innocence, nurturing with care, the lamp of love, aglow in your heart.

Please do not compare your journey with anyone else. If you do not have, for this moment, what they do, remember that they too do not have, what you do. You are unique in your luminescence!

Erase fear and regret of past. Inhale gratitude, exhale surrender, breath by breath.

There is nothing out there, everything is within. This is not a metaphor.

Your presence, your heartbeat, your breath itself is the practice, held in the everlasting now-continuum, renewing itself, moment by moment. I do not advocate any forced techniques but if you wish to indulge awhile, do so with purity of heart, conspiring with God within to steer the process. You can wink at Him secretly too, if you like. It helps!

[JustBe]

There is so much of the unknown in your post and it’s almost like you need to know to believe in what you do. Part of the spiritual process, is getting really comfortable with the unknown of life, in both your own participation and the parts of life you just can’t be certain about. Need to know if we are doing it right, saying the right things, might signal where your trust in process, trust in you grounds deeper.

In saying that intention and connection means that when you connect to what you love to do and express in the world, there is a deep trust in the process when this leaves your hands. We can only know through these things or through feedback what comes to be. Of course in life, your creation out to the world, will in time reveal a much broader view of more than just your piece in this way. This comes through awareness and understanding of life deeper. Awareness and understanding you deeper. The more you trust yourself, what you do, with heartfelt connection, (all if you engaged) you’ll just know it feels right and true for you. You’ll succeed through this process with deeper personal satisfaction and deeper trust towards yourself.

I remember feeling like you through my early processors. The trust aspect was my deepest learning. When I let go of needing to know, trusted without knowing fully, I let go of the reigns I was controlling in myself. It was then the spirit world shined upon me.. it was then I bought my heaven to earth..

Listen to your self talk more, when things feel ‘ not quite right’ or if you feel yourself worrying about details unknown. Change your mindset to a positive focus. Affirm it’s ok to trust in the unknown..it’s ok to do things differently or explore new ways of doing. Listen to yourself in how to create. You’ll be amazed how naturally you can be guided from within to know for you what feels right and true.

The other thing in your post, is wanting it all, remember that life is a process, step by step.. start small and find success in small steps and small successors, rather than, failings in what doesn’t happen for you. Sometimes you can aim big, shoot for the stars and you lose connection to a deeper grounded you. So there you find yourself list in the ethers, with nothing supporting your feet on the earth.

A great way to deepen connection, is to take your shoes off, get your feet and body connected to the earth, find nature pockets where it’s raw and wild. There you’ll source the nature of life differently, understand life more holistically. Plus the added bonus is spirit speaks in quiet places, natural places where noise is less.

[Altair]

I think it's common to desire something 'special' from a spiritual practice. I've experienced 'something special' many years ago and I wasn't doing any practice, it just happened. Over the years I've done many practices, and putting real effort into it ((the ''working hard'' bits)), but most of the time I'm not getting 'something special'. With that I mean something otherworldly.

I do get more peace of mind and a sense of not caring, and the practice makes me aware my mind is just a joker. When I hear much modern spirituality it seems to be more about chasing desires? Like ''setting attentions'', ''LoA'' and all of that. It's about desires. I try to give up worrying over 'something special'. If a practice gives me relaxation and makes me less bothered then perhaps that is good enough.

[Miss Hepburn]

Hi, Even tho I wrote you a long pm on this topic I thought I'd say on the Forum itself...I have had so many
many spiritual experiences it amazes me!
And I am nothing special.
Just the opposite ...
I have been mean, negative, worried, irritable, unpleasant to be around in the past...my take is:
I simply needed these experiences because I am such a slow learner and an habitual mistake maker...that I need bricks
to fall on my head to help me grow out of my 'stuckness'.

The folks that don't receive spiritual experiences I see as not needing them.
A different perspective regarding this 'special idea'.

[WhiteWarrior]

Welcome to the forum, rottenporcelain. Now there's a different username.

I think you are right that you are blocked. Something is holding you back. But to what purpose? Could it be bad entities? Maybe. But it could also be good entities, trying to protect you until you are ready. Because I sense energy in you, and talent, and it is the way of things that too much power before control has been learned can lead to disaster. We don't give an unsupervised child a gun or a car or a chainsaw. But the child will become an adult and can then have those things after having been taught due caution. You were a child. Now you are on the verge of adulthood. Those things you have wanted are near your reach now. Have you yet decided what you want to do with them? If visions and events start coming to you, do you have the tools now to stop them from coming when you have had enough for the moment? Can you silence the voices when you need to focus on other things?

[Hemera]

I can't pretend to know what your path is Rottenporcelain. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're as worthy as everyone else because being worthy is our birthright. We are all the same in essence, regardless of gifts/talents of specific life path.

What did stand out for me is how frustrated you are (quite understandably) and it sounds like you're trying too hard to experience something that you deem spiritual? All of life is spiritual although I appreciate it is tempting to have certain experiences and they are beautiful when they do happen.

You can't 'try' to meditate: meditation is state of accepting what happens without resistance. Or at least that's the meditation I tend to practice; there are different types. I suggest you sit with your eyes shut and become aware of everything you're experiencing - your thoughts, emotions, sensations, and every time you realise you've got caught up in something, come back to noticing it all. This is a way of showing compassion to yourself, as well as increasing self-awareness, and over time it brings space around your thoughts and emotions, which in turn can allow more of the spirit to come into your awareness.

You're still very young, without meaning to sound patronising, so allow for the fact you have so much of life ahead so you don't need to experience everything now. It will come.

[vibrations]

You explain so much of others experiences, maybe this is blocking you? it is time to switch of and focus on you, ask the question who am I? Let go of all beliefs, this is you! but who are you?

[jiejing1989]

Do you know Lifechanyuan? I am now living in Lifechanyuan Thailand community. It is a spiritual community.
Through the life of the community, I found my life purpose. The founder of Lifechanyuan, Mr Xuefeng has written many articles to inspire people.
I am learning his articles every day. If you are interestetd in his articles, you can let me know.