Feeling disappointed

[astralsuzy]

Feeling disappointed. I will get over it. My mother is in a nursing home and she got covid. She is OK. My brothers and sister in law knew about it three weeks ago but I only found out this morning. My brother said he rang two days ago on my mobile phone but I only saw the message this morning. I have a home phone he knows he can contact me as well as mail.com. I did not receive anything. I confronted my brother about it and he put me on to his wife. I was not happy that she told my daughter and not me. My sister in law blamed everything on me and will not take the blame for anything. I ended up hanging up on her. I realise I am better off without them. It is a bit of a shock to realise that. This would happen to a lot of people. How do you deal with it? You get hurt feelings. Does time heal and in the end it does not matter. Fortunately I do not live with them. That would be horrible.

[Miss Hepburn]

I'm so sorry...families can be the source of so much pain, hurt,
confusion, lies, betrayals, thoughtlessness, denials...wow!
I'll stop there....and, YET, there is a reason for everything!
I could come up with a few possibles if you are having a hard time in the moment,
being in the thick of things. I understand.

[astralsuzy]

Thank you Miss Hepburn. I spoke to my son and he said I have to not let it get to me otherwise my sister in law will win. I am going to try hard not to dwell on it or think about it. I will not talk to my sister in law again. Life has its ups and downs and we have to go with it. I choose to rise and not sink meaning I will not get depressed. I will get on with my life.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but sad to say it not surprised given what you have described earlier, too it is obvious your brother is submissive to his wife and that's his choice. He should be man enough to be able to handle his affairs with you alone, and not mix up the two families (first family, second family). Handing over the phone to his wife (sigh). Is he a boy or a man? (You don't have to answer that, we both know the answer ;)

You could make sure that you too are connected as much as he is or his wife to the nursing home, or I'm afraid more sad, upsetting things could follow. One time when I worked in one of those, this is a horrid example of how wrong it can get, they had one family member's contacts there and when something happened to the elderly individual it was only that contact that the staff contacted as it was the procedure. But there was a conflict going on between the elderly's family members and this contact-person did not let the other one know. This why I tell you that this could just be the beginning of it, I would inform the staff there is a conflict and if anything was to happen to your mom to also contact you, that it's crucial they do. Just thinking in practical terms here. Think you gotta be one step ahead of that sister-in-law or else you and your second family will continue to fall victim of her, I know how these people work. It was when I stop being surprised and start expecting that I was finally ahead and could then prevent further damage.

I have another bad example when my biological dad landed in the hospital. When I got there I began to notice that someone (who was envious of me, me symbolizing the love between my parents one time) had infiltrated a special little relationship with one of the head nurses there which then excluded me, they would actually go into her office and she would close the door. Now, in real life as it was when my dad was well he had not given that someone that position as that someone wanted to fool the head nurse he had. Now if he had - there was no reason for this. I was only seen as a teenager - but this teenager made contact with my dad's doctor and boss, as far as the head nurse went - she was lucky I did not break in the door to her "important" little office. I ignored her as if she was air, because that was all she was to me. That someone's infiltration, manipulation power could only reach so far, but this person would continue to try other channels as well and when I saw that happening it was often people who thought they were clever, intelligent, but were naive enough to be fooled by that someone, I had to go higher up to smash them down where they belonged, or else it would just be a useless fight in the mud.

I'm sorry you're having all these issues with them and I understand it has a weight on your heart, but this is more down to them, their faults, their journey I think than yours, I think their family is more troubled and will continue to be so, than yours, even if things looks perfect on the surface (which is something these sort of family do).

I think that some families they are built in with enemies in them, LOL. It's like we are taught a mom is suppose to be this way or a sister is suppose to be this way and we're all suppose to be one good family, but because of the characters, it is as if they have picked the wrong actors, actresses for the part, you know? Even sometimes when one wants something so bad you can't change it and don't understand why it happens to you. I hear often families divided and haven given up and broken off any contact, it is not as uncommon as I used to think it was.

Wishing you all the best with your healing.

[astralsuzy]

Thank you asearcher. I thought about contacting the nursing home to tell them that I was disappointed as I did not know my mother had covid. My brothers and sister in law did not let me know. My husband advised me not to say anything. He said the nursing home staff do not want to get involved in family problems. He is right. I will likely not get any help from the nursing home if I did that. I will ask them if they could let me know if my mother becomes not well. Legally they do not have to tell me. My brother is contact carer so they only have to let him know. If the nursing home refuses to do that I will ask my brother if he could ask the staff to add my name on the contact list.

It was interesting you saying about my brother putting me onto his wife. I did not think about it until my daughters partner said the same thing as you.

I feel better because I am accepting it It has to be this way. As you know life can have lots of problems. We have to try to rise above it and not let it affect us. I feel for you and others that live with difficult people. That would be hard. I do not know if I could cope with that.

Hi Astralsuzy, I think your husband is right, the nursing home staff do not want to be involved with family conflicts. However one could suggest you tell them minimum at best, so that you will get your contact too on the list, like you suggested calling and telling them how dissapointed you have felt you were not informed by your brother, or ask your brother for a short, brief meeting with one of the staff when you are present where they can see he is agreeing to having your name on the contact list? But maybe this is difficult if there is any geographically involved (if they live closer etc). Maybe the staff do know a way around this these days so they can easily add you on the list, though? One never knows? Maybe yours is not their first example? One could ask? Without then involving them in any of the conflict? Maybe there's something we're missing here? Maybe it does not have to get complicated, I mean?

LOL, yeah! Good he said the same, that's kind of funny =)

That's wonderful you're feeling better, I hope better yet is to come.

Thank you for your compassion.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

I confronted my brother about it and he put me on to his wife. I was not happy that she told my daughter and not me. My sister in law blamed everything on me and will not take the blame for anything. I ended up hanging up on her. I realise I am better off without them.

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

I spoke to my son and he said I have to not let it get to me otherwise my sister in law will win. I am going to try hard not to dwell on it or think about it. I will not talk to my sister in law again.

It sounds as if there is a lot of history between you and your sister-in-law, and this latest issue is about more than you being excluded from knowledge of your mother's situation.

Your brother is in a difficult situation, caught between his sister and his wife. He will probably choose to keep her happy - after all, she is the person he has to live with.

The staff at the nursing home probably have enough to do without contacting every single family member when a resident falls ill. After all, that is the point of having a contact number. They just have to make one phone call, and in most cases whoever they call will inform the rest of the family.

The obvious response is that there is unresolved karma between you and your sister-in-law. You have issues to work out, and it is not a case of one side winning.

Perhaps you can deal with this as a spiritual test of your ability to love and forgive. It doesn't mean that you let your sister-in-law walk all over you, but you can choose forgiveness and love as your response to whatever she does. At the very least, you will feel better for it.

Peace

[Native spirit]

I would agree with iamthat i know how you feel i have had it done to myself.
You are a better person than your sister in law,
it sounds as if your sister in law is controlling



Namaste

[astralsuzy]

You are right iamthat. There has been a lot going on between my sister in law and me. I am an honest person so I hope you will believe me when I say this. I admit to things when I am wrong and I apologize. I have even apologized on the forum a few times. It was a long time ago. I do not do anything wrong with my sister in law. She criticizes me for the things I like to do, such as cooking, sport, playing mahjong or anything. I do not say anything to her about it. She has put me down for my hair suggesting it looks terrible. I admit my hair does not look that great. I have not got around going to the hair dresser. I ignore her nasty comments. There are other nasty comments that she says as well. My sister in law blames every thing on me and never once has she apologized. She is very controlling and bosses her husband around (my brother).

When I talked to my sister in law on the phone yesterday I was wanting to know why it took three week for me to know about my mother having covid. My sister in law lashed out and said how often do you see your mother and saying other similar things. I said the nursing home would not allow me to see my mother without providing a rat covid test. Tests are hard to buy and is expensive. I just hung up the phone. There was no point in continuing with the conversation. She blamed everything on me. My relationship with my brother and sister in law is at a point of no return. Although I do like my brother and you are right, it would be hard for him because he is in between his sister and his wife.

[astralsuzy]

I talked to my brother first on the phone then he put me onto his wife. When I was talking to my brother I said I gave the reasons why I did not see my mother lately. My brother said he was able to visit without having a rat test. I said I will ring the nursing home on Monday to find out. His wife heard the conversation. She heard what I said. They always put the phone on speaker so his wife can hear the conversation. When I spoke to my sister in law she lashed out at me, saying that I did not see my mother etc. She was trying to find ways of blaming me.