If you mother wishes too much for you, can her desires affect you in a neg. way?

[Dropship]

Incidentally, instead of wanting me to achieve things, my late father was just the opposite because he liked to think he was the brains of the family and couldn't handle the thought that I might grow up to be cleverer than him, so he did all he could to wreck my self-confidence and put a brake on my learning curve; for example we never had books in our house, just comics.
And if I brought a plastic model kit home he'd sneer "Huh, been wasting your money again?"
Perhaps he'd have preferred me to join the local street gang and run wild with them instead of sitting quietly up in my room building models..:)

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by Dropship

Incidentally, instead of wanting me to achieve things, my late father was just the opposite because he liked to think he was the brains of the family and couldn't handle the thought that I might grow up to be cleverer than him, so he did all he could to wreck my self-confidence and put a brake on my learning curve; for example we never had books in our house, just comics.
And if I brought a plastic model kit home he'd sneer "Huh, been wasting your money again?"
Perhaps he'd have preferred me to join the local street gang and run wild with them instead of sitting quietly up in my room building models..:)

Thanks for your reply. I am currently exploring the topic with the help of a therapist and I am discovering that whatever the extremes are (putting too many expectations vs having none) the results are the same, that is the kid "doesn't feel right" or doesn't feel to deserve a space for self expression, for being themselves I am so amazed as I thought I'd start therapy for a "love issue" that so far, in 4 months, has never come up Best wishes to you!

Originally Posted by Rachella

I am so angry at my mother, but she passed away two years ago. Long story short, she has been lying to family and acquaintances about me having a wonderful career, whereas all I do for a living is a basic office job in another country (a job I am very grateful for.) She's done it in the few years before dying, unbeknownst to me.

On elaborating a bit more: before she died, I had already intuited she was making things up about me. However, she was ill for so many years that trying to contradict her was out of question.
Also, bragging about me is something she has done forever. I used to be a brilliant student, and while she never showed interest for my thoughts, my writing and my creative endeavours, all she cared for were results, so that she could tell everyone. I never got a "welldone, I am proud of you" from her, but I remember her talking about me all the time, taking extra credit for my "success". Throughout high school and university, she demanded my marks to be high, she wanted me to stand out, just because it was important for her to tell the others what a portentous daughter she had.
Already as a child I had episodes of insomnia and depression, together with severe stomach pains.
I recognise now, as a grown up woman, that her love was always subjected to conditions. If my marks decreased a little, or I was unsuccessful, dealing with her disappointment was very hard. Eventually, trying to get into the adult world and start a career was maybe the most challenging thing in my life. I found myself lacking self confidence, terrified by authorities and superiors - I may be knowledgeable and have skills but it's like I am a human being without bones.
Don't get me wrong, I have always worked hard and done all sorts of unpaid/physical/odd jobs. I have applied for tons of jobs and attented several interviews during my twenties and thirties. Funnily enough, every time that I seemed close to take the road to professionalism, something else would happen: from my perspective employer being arrested, to a project being suppressed or suspended, and so on. I don't believe much in good or bad luck, so since a long time I had come to terms that work is a sore spot in my life, that wouldn't heal it unless I fully accepted myself.
Before dying, my mother did admit to me that she was lying about my job to family and friends, though that did not seem the time to be angry with her. Now it's been two years since she passed, two years that I have also had to come back to my birthplace more frequently due to my dad (that's a whole other story), facing the consequences of the lies she's been telling.

I am on a whirlwind of emotions. It's like I have never acknowledged properly how her attitudes, projections and expectations have affected my own life. But the most powerful realisation is that I have become the sort of woman she used to pity (and mock): unmarried, childless, working a job that maybe many others could do.

I am fully aware that life is bigger, that we are all bigger than society's expectations. But I feel like somehow I've had to play a role in my mother's life, being a life lesson for her (I strongly doubt that she grasped it, in all earnest.)

I know that this situation holds potential for improvement and self growth, but right now I feel tired and sad and the biggest failure on earth.

your mom had a need to be superior and grabbed hold on to the one closest to her, that is her child. sometimes parents think they own their children or that children own them something, neither is correct. you need to see your mom as a separate human being and that she has her story and sadly the evil circle did not end with her, instead it reached out from her and on to you. Now you are the one who can stop the evil circle by saying it ends with me.

In my past life my mom thought she knew best by having me married to someone that I was not ready to marry, I already saw warning flags but she did not listen. she was too occupied that it would be a disgrace, scandal if it was canceled - that is - what other people would think. This was of utmost importance. What other people would think. She came from an old world where the girl's reputation would be ruined forever as well. My future husband did not want the wedding day canceled either and was in a hurry to marry me. Now looking back I realize why. He was easily jealous. and I was at the start of blossoming - having my own life, being on brink of success to develop my own cloth design, built my own world. But I married him to please him and to please her and found myself lost. It was not that I did not want to be a mom or a wife, it was that I had become too much of what they wanted me to be to the point that I had never been given the chance to figure out who I wanted to be - who I really was.

One should never confuse sacrifice with love. It will only make you blue.

Now is the time for you to find out who you really are and what you want to be. You holding this against your mom is only natural, as she only gave so called love when you played her game and did well in school.

My dad, in this life, he wasn't given love. I have no idea why. His parents were like they were. He was a beautiful looking, charming little boy and I remember seeing a photograph of him and thinking to myself how could he not have been loved? But it was on them, not him. He thought he had to be the best of everything so he would no longer be vulnerable and he would win adoration from the outside world. He thought if he won this or that, and came home with medals and trophies and good grades - that his parents would show love.

I think my dad realized that no matter what these were broken people and the love that they gave were all there was, all they were capable of and the good wishes in that. They were not whole enough themselves to give the kind of love he craved.

My dad could not express words of affection. It was impossible to him. He had never gotten it himself. But he did have a secret weapon. When he hugged me I could feel his love. When we would go and visit his parents home I remember always feeling I did not want to go in there and that I thought that everyone in that house wore masks and nobody dared to talk about what really mattered, it was just superficial topics. But in that house I kept sitting beside my dad, I would take his hand or kiss him on the head, and nobody could stop me. There were photos taken of us all different times and I saw his parents as almost ghosts of themselves, and I saw a shimmer of light between me and my dad. Often in the pics he looks down at what I and he were doing, playing a game or me painting or something, and he looks so at peace, so safe. at the time I did not think nothing of it but going through photographs recently I can see it. We had an unspoken special bond. It was just always there. It was a grief to me, though, to know how limited he was - word wise. And the strong built wall he kept around himself, not really understanding that he did not need to be that suspicious all the time.

My dad always made me feel loved for who I was. Not for what I achieved or not. So I would say in his own life time he learn that lesson well and he did not therefor bring it further into the next generation. He would also tell my mom that he never thought our relationship would be like that, that he could just be himself around me. So I guess we both were in our own little ways able to express love to each other for who we were and not what we had achieved or not. But to him it was a bewilderment almost. Like how can she love me for me? He was so used to being successful at work and what have you. But a daughter does not care what a father does for a living or not. So anyways, that was news to him.

So the best thing you can do for yourself and your mom, her spirit, is to let go of the bitterness, just learn from it, and don't let it go further. see your own and her grandchild, if you are to have or have one, feel free and happy and loved for who the child is, that will be the best "revenge". On a soul spirit we never want to hurt anyone and the best thing to fight this from continuing is doing what you are doing now - dealing with it and in time you will come to the final stage and be free.

There will be a time, I think, when you will meet up with your mom's spirit and you will understand what made her tick this way, but now that this is something that happen to you, it is not you, and as a spirit she never meant to hurt you, she was here to play a part, now it's over and she has gone home. There is no need for you to stay on in this dark theater. What ever pain she had inside and did not recognize it for what it was helplessly went further on to you, that was on her. Not you.

[linen53]

The one thing we all want is to be loved unconditionally. When that doesn't happen we are crippled. I was crippled for many years by a mother who actually told me that she didn't even want or like me.

That's a bitter pill for a daughter to swallow. But I finally owned it and cut myself away from her and moved on.

On the positive side, because of this scar on my heart, I am an nurturer. I take care of people in my life, here on the forum and in real life. I give what I never got. That gives me purpose and makes me feel loved (by me).

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by asearcher

your mom had a need to be superior and grabbed hold on to the one closest to her, that is her child. sometimes parents think they own their children or that children own them something, neither is correct. you need to see your mom as a separate human being and that she has her story and sadly the evil circle did not end with her, instead it reached out from her and on to you. Now you are the one who can stop the evil circle by saying it ends with me.

In my past life my mom thought she knew best by having me married to someone that I was not ready to marry, I already saw warning flags but she did not listen. she was too occupied that it would be a disgrace, scandal if it was canceled - that is - what other people would think. This was of utmost importance. What other people would think. She came from an old world where the girl's reputation would be ruined forever as well. My future husband did not want the wedding day canceled either and was in a hurry to marry me. Now looking back I realize why. He was easily jealous. and I was at the start of blossoming - having my own life, being on brink of success to develop my own cloth design, built my own world. But I married him to please him and to please her and found myself lost. It was not that I did not want to be a mom or a wife, it was that I had become too much of what they wanted me to be to the point that I had never been given the chance to figure out who I wanted to be - who I really was.

One should never confuse sacrifice with love. It will only make you blue.

Now is the time for you to find out who you really are and what you want to be. You holding this against your mom is only natural, as she only gave so called love when you played her game and did well in school.

My dad, in this life, he wasn't given love. I have no idea why. His parents were like they were. He was a beautiful looking, charming little boy and I remember seeing a photograph of him and thinking to myself how could he not have been loved? But it was on them, not him. He thought he had to be the best of everything so he would no longer be vulnerable and he would win adoration from the outside world. He thought if he won this or that, and came home with medals and trophies and good grades - that his parents would show love.

I think my dad realized that no matter what these were broken people and the love that they gave were all there was, all they were capable of and the good wishes in that. They were not whole enough themselves to give the kind of love he craved.

My dad could not express words of affection. It was impossible to him. He had never gotten it himself. But he did have a secret weapon. When he hugged me I could feel his love. When we would go and visit his parents home I remember always feeling I did not want to go in there and that I thought that everyone in that house wore masks and nobody dared to talk about what really mattered, it was just superficial topics. But in that house I kept sitting beside my dad, I would take his hand or kiss him on the head, and nobody could stop me. There were photos taken of us all different times and I saw his parents as almost ghosts of themselves, and I saw a shimmer of light between me and my dad. Often in the pics he looks down at what I and he were doing, playing a game or me painting or something, and he looks so at peace, so safe. at the time I did not think nothing of it but going through photographs recently I can see it. We had an unspoken special bond. It was just always there. It was a grief to me, though, to know how limited he was - word wise. And the strong built wall he kept around himself, not really understanding that he did not need to be that suspicious all the time.

My dad always made me feel loved for who I was. Not for what I achieved or not. So I would say in his own life time he learn that lesson well and he did not therefor bring it further into the next generation. He would also tell my mom that he never thought our relationship would be like that, that he could just be himself around me. So I guess we both were in our own little ways able to express love to each other for who we were and not what we had achieved or not. But to him it was a bewilderment almost. Like how can she love me for me? He was so used to being successful at work and what have you. But a daughter does not care what a father does for a living or not. So anyways, that was news to him.

So the best thing you can do for yourself and your mom, her spirit, is to let go of the bitterness, just learn from it, and don't let it go further. see your own and her grandchild, if you are to have or have one, feel free and happy and loved for who the child is, that will be the best "revenge". On a soul spirit we never want to hurt anyone and the best thing to fight this from continuing is doing what you are doing now - dealing with it and in time you will come to the final stage and be free.

There will be a time, I think, when you will meet up with your mom's spirit and you will understand what made her tick this way, but now that this is something that happen to you, it is not you, and as a spirit she never meant to hurt you, she was here to play a part, now it's over and she has gone home. There is no need for you to stay on in this dark theater. What ever pain she had inside and did not recognize it for what it was helplessly went further on to you, that was on her. Not you.

Thanks for this! When the pandemic kicked in I had to find psychological support due to a bully flatmate, I believed, but soon enough all the dark waters flooded in related to my mom. I am working on forgiving her. Right now I feel depleted as therapy really strips you naked and I am dealing with my vulnerability that's even worse than I thought. Hanging there. Thank you!

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by linen53

The one thing we all want is to be loved unconditionally. When that doesn't happen we are crippled. I was crippled for many years by a mother who actually told me that she didn't even want or like me.

That's a bitter pill for a daughter to swallow. But I finally owned it and cut myself away from her and moved on.

On the positive side, because of this scar on my heart, I am an nurturer. I take care of people in my life, here on the forum and in real life. I give what I never got. That gives me purpose and makes me feel loved (by me).

In fact every time I read your responses I get this warm feeling and it's always a pleasure to read your words xxx

[LillianSimpson31vB7]

Yes, so many boys are prone to this, unfortunately. but I cant shift the responsability to their moms