Romantic Competition

[Clio_86]

During the last two months I had a work flirtation. The man I was flirting with always came and worked near me. He would smile and get nervous around me. It eventually progressed to him following me at the end of the day and taking the train with me to my side of the city. He was always going to "visit a friend" (he lives in a different city about an hour away - opposite from where I live).

Over a month ago we had a really strong flirty exchange and immediately after he went and talked to another female worker. I felt really confused and hurt by it. He is so nervous around me and can't even speak to me. He goes quiet and is very awkward. However, with this girl, he can speak super easy and I felt like he chats with her to make himself feel more confident or to even try to make me jealous.

Anyways, over the last two months, this man always works near me and I could tell he likes me. However, because he also gave this other girl attention, she has started trying to compete with me for this man's attention. When she sees us working beside each other, she would come and sit near us or she would interrupt our conversation in the break room. I usually just do my own thing or walk away.

I am a foreigner and my work ended last Friday. I will not be returning despite being in my current city for two more months. On Friday I was working at a computer and this man came and worked beside me. I made friends with another woman that morning and we went and had a coffee outside. When I was walking back to the room where I was working, the other woman saw me and she instantly knew that if that was where I was working, that man would be near me. Like clockwork, she came and sat right beside me to work despite six rows of free computers.

I was interested in this man due to our two month flirtation. However, I went to the washroom and when I came back, he was leaned into her, flirting away. I felt like he was doing it on purpose because he looked at me as if to gauge my reaction. Since it was my last day, I decided to just finish my work and leave early. I walked past him and said a friendly "see ya." I don't have time for men who don't have the courage or maturity to make a move. I also don't have time for men who flip flop between what they actually want. No loss on my part. He also knew it was my last day.

But... I don't understand the psychology of people wanting to compete for a lover. I have never been in a "love triangle" per say ("flirtation triangle" is maybe more appropriate). Anytime that I've had a crush and noticed they liked someone else, I backed off and let it be.

I'm a bit disappointed in that I spent two months flirting with this man but I am also happy that I did not just throw myself at him. I can walk away with grace and self-respect. I also don't even find him interesting anymore because he purposely intrigued this other woman to chase him while he was trying to chase me. He can have her.

Originally Posted by Clio_86

During the last two months I had a work flirtation. The man I was flirting with always came and worked near me. He would smile and get nervous around me. It eventually progressed to him following me at the end of the day and taking the train with me to my side of the city. He was always going to "visit a friend" (he lives in a different city about an hour away - opposite from where I live).

Over a month ago we had a really strong flirty exchange and immediately after he went and talked to another female worker. I felt really confused and hurt by it. He is so nervous around me and can't even speak to me. He goes quiet and is very awkward. However, with this girl, he can speak super easy and I felt like he chats with her to make himself feel more confident or to even try to make me jealous.

Anyways, over the last two months, this man always works near me and I could tell he likes me. However, because he also gave this other girl attention, she has started trying to compete with me for this man's attention. When she sees us working beside each other, she would come and sit near us or she would interrupt our conversation in the break room. I usually just do my own thing or walk away.

I am a foreigner and my work ended last Friday. I will not be returning despite being in my current city for two more months. On Friday I was working at a computer and this man came and worked beside me. I made friends with another woman that morning and we went and had a coffee outside. When I was walking back to the room where I was working, the other woman saw me and she instantly knew that if that was where I was working, that man would be near me. Like clockwork, she came and sat right beside me to work despite six rows of free computers.

I was interested in this man due to our two month flirtation. However, I went to the washroom and when I came back, he was leaned into her, flirting away. I felt like he was doing it on purpose because he looked at me as if to gauge my reaction. Since it was my last day, I decided to just finish my work and leave early. I walked past him and said a friendly "see ya." I don't have time for men who don't have the courage or maturity to make a move. I also don't have time for men who flip flop between what they actually want. No loss on my part. He also knew it was my last day.

But... I don't understand the psychology of people wanting to compete for a lover. I have never been in a "love triangle" per say ("flirtation triangle" is maybe more appropriate). Anytime that I've had a crush and noticed they liked someone else, I backed off and let it be.

I'm a bit disappointed in that I spent two months flirting with this man but I am also happy that I did not just throw myself at him. I can walk away with grace and self-respect. I also don't even find him interesting anymore because he purposely intrigued this other woman to chase him while he was trying to chase me. He can have her.

hum...could be a lot of things going on here...i think you are wiser than he is regarding this topic from a soul perspective.

i for one have never been dating two men at the same time, not that i have not been giving a chance, i have, but i think that would have totally ruin and i would have felt like i cheated - i don't know, it would have ruined the magic. i would not want that. i have never been in such a hurry and those who hurry too much might just miss everything.

it could be that you and his energy was more of the passionate kind and his and her energy were more of the friendship kind. it could be that out of lack of confidence (and i mean real confidence here, the one from the gut, the soul, not the superficial one that is easy to see through, arrogance etc) he could not really be the tough, cool guy he thought he already was or wanted to be around you - so he took the comfy zone, that is the other female colleague. he does seem to me to have some sort of insecurity issue with him or he would not go after the quick-points, to get instant gratification. he would not need others looks etc.

i'm sorry you wasted two months on that guy, but try to remember reading him off right - that way you will spot that kind of behavior in someone else and know what you don't want.

gotta give you a , you did great.

PS the female colleague most likely has the same issue as he has, there for the same easy going understanding between them. You however play in a different ballgame, you don't have their issues and that is a good thing :) that is how I see it

[ocean breeze]

It can be annoying and frustrating. You don't know whether you are making something out of nothing, whether they are the ones making something out of nothing. Whether you said something wrong and they took offense or took it the wrong way. Whether they are playing games with you. Good that you were able to walk away with your self respect.

I'm pretty up front and reasonable if a person is trying to make some form of connection. If that can't be reciprocated then i don't waste my time with them anymore. I have no interest in playing childish games. Once you see them for what they are "children trapped in adult bodies" they lose their appeal.

[Clio_86]

Thanks. I spent a couple days licking my wounds but feel a lot better. I also agree that there is some insecurity in this man. He showed a few signs of it in the previous two months just through conversation. I will definitely be more careful to watch for this in the future. :)

[ocean breeze]

I think also its good to observe our own insecurities in reaction to others.

[Clio_86]

That is also very true. Lol.

Originally Posted by Clio_86

But... I don't understand the psychology of people wanting to compete for a lover. I have never been in a "love triangle" per say ("flirtation triangle" is maybe more appropriate). Anytime that I've had a crush and noticed they liked someone else, I backed off and let it be.

I'm a bit disappointed in that I spent two months flirting with this man but I am also happy that I did not just throw myself at him. I can walk away with grace and self-respect. I also don't even find him interesting anymore because he purposely intrigued this other woman to chase him while he was trying to chase me. He can have her.

Honest truth, flirting is just flirting. It might be speculative but usually isn't and it's quite dangerous for men these days who are the ones always accused of sexual harassment if things turn sour (which includes a female's advances being unrequited and she gets uppity).

But everyone reacts differently and the other woman undoubtedly gave subtly different signs to his responses. Did you venture to speak to him at all? We all have different styles of flirting so I can't guess how you might have approached it.
I have to admit (but only from what you've said so far) that he wasn't trying to chase you. You had hoped he would but the interchange wasn't strong enough. It's every bit possible for a man to like a woman, many women, without being carnally interested in them. Likewise women toward men. It's a positive way to be.

But you're right. Better to have escaped uninvolved and hurt or disappointed with something deeper. You're still free to get on with your life. Best also to set no expectations in just flirting until it develops into dates that hint at a future.

[Ciona]

^Totally agree. Flirting shouldn't be taken too seriously.

[BigJohn]

Clio 86,

remember, there are a lot more fish out there......
maybe you will catch the one you really want.

[PlatitudePluto]

Run. Just run.