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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #11  
Old 26-12-2021, 08:08 AM
AngelRain AngelRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
Hi, Puh, I am a little revealed. Thank you. I know I did some serious generalisations but did not know how to describe what I view as bad boys (that specific look in their eye, that specific energy).

I think what you go through is that you and your husband used to be close, and now there's trouble but you still march on, and the problems you have with him is stagnated and not sorted out in a way that would/will work for you. And so you feel alone in this. You are more disconnected now.

I too have a luv that use to be increasingly controller, and he is the son of a narcissist. Around the narcissist then he was a boy who let the narcissist have it's way, even with me without protesting. At home with us (me and the family we created) he was no boy. He has a mix sensitivity verses harshness to him and when I told him it was over he instead asked for another chance and for us to do family counseling. I had urged him to please agree to do family counseling, couple's counseling with me before as I could see we had issues we could not solve on our own. We were simply replaying the same fights over and over and it got more and more infectious. It was breaking me down, bit by bit. A considerate husband would have understood that there were larming signs but as usual he wanted things his way and not to show anyone or anything that we had problems. He was also of the suspiscious nature so he did not trust no psychiatrist. I had tried everything, turned every stone before I finally had to tell him I couldn't do it no more, we had to split. He knew the reasons behind it. That, when it was too late it felt, was his wake up call. He comes from a family where the parent's dynamic is something he took for granted we would have, at least, to me, that is how he acted out sometimes as this is what he had been taught.

When your husband is all stern and strict and "russian" as you write - what you are really saying is that he is not making you two equals, he sees things black and white, there's a right way and there's a wrong way and his is the right way and you should just adapt to that - or he will go at you the way he has. So the closeness and the mutual respect that use to be there is vanishing more and more? And what happens when we disconnect from someone? We still have the same needs as before, our emotional needs, they are not being met with the one that should meet them, and the other way around. Of course your're hurting, poor thing. My luv used to be the same way as almost military touch as "this is the way to go". They are the ones responsible for the ditached, disconnection but they may not whish to take that to heart. Something my luv would do is that he would project and so it wasn't his fault - it was mine then. This was too something he had been taught. Overall he knew all the tactics narcissists use in fighting, but at the same time I knew he was no narcissist so it was somewhat confusing and frustrading. You stop sharing yourself with a man like that, you feel alone, and you get your fences up as you are hurt.

I had a past too with an ex, and he was considered by others, and specifically my luv who met him to have been a "bad boy". However me and the "bad boy" had had years of a relationship (engaged) and our break up came sudden, him causing it, and later on we got to be civil and friends as we knew the same kind of people and would occationally bump into each other if I happened to be "back home" seeing my first family, but overall both he and I were moving around geographically and in our careers/work and life in general. I then had a very, very brief reconsiliation/affair with him as I was coming out or was out, by my words I was def out and had said that to my then exfiance (my second fiancé, the guy that came after the "bad boy") only he was someone so superior and bossy so he could not get it in his head that unless it was him saying we were over, we weren't over. What I found out is that despite my ex "bad boy" was absolutely wonderful to me, very loving, not playing games, had matured, was in a good place in life, that I had my own issues that made it impossible for me to be in a relationship right then, and above all - the image I had of him, the man I had been in love with, had loved in a romantic way, that image had died to me. And instead he was just this friend or brother to me, and we were very different then, as he said to me I had always been the same and that he had always loved me. After that brief affair, which I had to be the one to quit, to leave, I thought for years that brief affair would never have happened had I been in my normal senses, and not as messed up as I had become as I was getting out of the other relationship. I felt so ashamed of what I had done, lead him on, without then being able to give something back, or at least, very little. Always other times in my life I don't view myself as a taker, I am empathic to nature and I just felt terrible. I didn't want to be a taker. It was not fair on him. It wasn't his fault I was all messed up, for the first time in my life, like that. I wasn't in a condition to be in any romantic relationship at the time, and I knew it, and so then I left. I did apologize to him and I did explain myself to him. What he did not know is that the exfiance had scared me in such a way that I could not let my "bad boy" come too close to me, physically. this was a secret I kept, afraid to tell, afraid of the consequences, shame, quilt (I even felt quilt for it to have happened to me as he wanted babies and I wanted to wait and somehow then it was my fault he did what he did knowing of my protest, words and body. I could see it in his eyes - he knew what he did, and it is a power thing, and I never thought he would go there, I actually thought he had some limit to his "superior" self, but maybe he was just waiting to push me down further?).

Later on in life when I was stable again and living a normal family life, one day after a long silence, the bad boy had written me a letter stating I was the love of his life. That was all I read til my then luv got the letter from me, read it, tore it in pieces and put it in the trash. I then had to go out my way to try to figure out what was in the letter exactly as I feared it was a potential suicide note, him saying goodbye to me. I have always felt quilt about not being able to handle this issue on my own. I took very much consideration to my then luv (afraid to loose him and afraid he would misunderstand the situation, and he was threatening and mad), so that I did not do this MY way. I always knew my past with my bad boy, and I always knew that my old feelings for him they were not coming back to life. I loved him in my own way but it was not romantic. I was forever grateful to him for having shown me the good in life, some of his other qualities, and the long history we did have, both as a couple and afterwards. I was very sure my own feelings were not coming back, but my luv was not. He would say stuff like he's just waiting for us to break up and then he will be there, acting like a friend but wanting more. He would say now he has finally done rehab and now he is aiming to get you back. He would too say that do you really think that guy cares if he has a girlfriend or not - I've seen the way he looks at you. If he can have you back - that girlfriend is history, I know it.

Now, I do not know your history with your ex, but I can read in your words that you miss the way he was with you, and that you feel that he still loves you.

If you have a romantic set of feelings for your ex, only you can answer, the nature of it. I have learned in my case, which I learned even before I ever met my luv -this had nothing to do with my luv- is that I didn't, I had a different kind of love for my "bad boy". And I had had chances after our brief affair as well, he was checking in on me, and nothing had changed in my corner (beside from me getting back to stable). There had been a time I truly wished I could return to those romantic feelings for him, that I knew he was wonderful and would treat me that way, but I just did not have those emotions.

I can't advice you what to do in this situation, more than, follow your heart, and what will work for you best in the end.

When a relationship is not working but you still march on in it, we still have the same needs, and then thoughts of an ex can show up, and also leaves us more open, vulnerable, to finding someone else, new attractive, who see us in a light that we don't feel our partner does anymore. It's human nature. We still have the same needs.


I hope everything works out for you. I know the feeling of someone you have not thought about in the past for years to suddenly mean something again to you. It can also be that because this current relationship you are in right now is not working that you go back in time figuring where do I go wrong and you look through the pages of your past relationship and try to figure it out then too. I have most certainly tried to do that -as I have blamed myself too and thought if I can just figure it out, then I won't take it into the next relationship. There are so many layers of this.

Sorry I write so much - God, I do this too often, I just don't know how to summon my words more. I hope you made it through though.

You’ve summed it up
Perfectly. We’ve hit a dry spot in our relationship and it has me going back to old flames and wondering if I chose the right man. I don’t feel heard. He thinks I should be happy because I don’t have to work and just take care of our son but I’m burnt out. I’m tired. And just want someone who’s
There :(
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  #12  
Old 26-12-2021, 04:04 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Thank you, sorry you are going through it though, of course. It is no point others, as in this case your husband telling you - you should be happy. If you are not happy then you are not happy and then you two needs to find out why.

I don't know the age of your child, but staying home 24/7 is not for everyone. Nobody else should tell someone else this is what is right - and if you are not happy with it then there is something wrong with you. Maybe you are the type who needs to work too as a living, not saying you have to do it full time, but just to not feel so shut out maybe from society in general, and the social life that comes with it, maybe you don't get enough stimulation as it is. Maybe there is something you miss from your old life before you were a mom. You need to find out what is balance and happiness to you. I'm just throwing in some ideas, I have no idea really.

I can't advice you on what is right or wrong for you, if the child is young it needs more attention, in one way, and then you two as parents gets a different role to play. It is easy to fall into the trap of just being parents and doing a good job at that. And then the romantic side of the relationship takes a back seat. It is also then easy over time, that one take each other for granted, and get to be more buddies than romantic partners.

It can also get worse, that the first families (the grandmoms and granddads) manage to suddenly get involved in your family life and traditions like they weren't before, as they want and feel it is their right to be with their grandchild. It is then important that you and your husband find what works for you, that you are one unit, that you do not have to do things the way grandma and granddad did or give advice too. That you two are strong in your own family that you have created. That there are healthy boundaries so it don't add up to your own issues.

If you take the time to talk, to mend, your problems in your marriage, if you keep talking, there's a chance you will bond again, will come closer to each other again?

Relationships can be so tough and it can take time before one understands the other perspective. What ever you decide to do I'll hope you'll be happy with the choice, no matter what it's not easy, I feel for you.

Last edited by asearcher : 27-12-2021 at 09:09 AM.
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  #13  
Old 24-01-2022, 02:00 PM
AngelRain AngelRain is offline
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Update.


I definitely was dealing with old karmic energy. Because once I healed and cleared my sacral, I no longer feel a pull to that previous soulmate.
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  #14  
Old 24-01-2022, 06:04 PM
asearcher
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Good for you =) I'm happy for you

Last edited by asearcher : 24-01-2022 at 07:45 PM.
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