Family "divided"?

Edited
Second edition.

It is a small problem but it is consistent and has been going on now for years. It is about 1 child choosing not to participate with the rest and when doing so automatically my husband, the dad, then will not participate either but go over to the sudden created team of the child.

Both him and the child have this thing, this theme, that this child must not experience itself as excluded from the rest of us. This child can also express words as if it sees itself as excluded when it is not, it is choosing to not participate.

There has been times he has told me that I have to think off this "excluded" child so it won't feel excluded and I've always been one big question mark. I have also in the past having to explain myself to these two as there has been these insinuations as if I have left this child behind when I haven't. When so there has been such sensitivity in the air. I think both child and my husband has a vulnerability that has nothing to do with me nor my actions. One thing I think this child has done is to deliberately pace behind or so to test me to see if I will go to this child. The child has had also tears in its eyes and said "I only want to be with you", but when doing so it excludes itself from everyone and I can't drop everything and all the rest, to do just that, at that time. I can tell that the child nor my husband do not want me to get mad about it, but I do not like to be accused, even if it is in an insinuation way, that I would somehow exclude this child when I haven't. I would never do that.

My husband can be all for something, a theme or something I have come up with that we can all do Then as soon as he hears that this child do not want to, he will then not wanting to do it either. The way he sees it is that the child must not feel excluded, must not feel alone. Again and again he leaves our side. He don't ask if OK or nothing. The decision is already made by him.

I feel as if he is rejecting quality time he could and should have with me, us, that we certainly do need given the sensitive stage our marriage is at, if we're gonna make it, because a participant (The "excluded" child) do not wish to participate.

I was raised that when we went and did something you could come along or not but the adults would not stay with you if you didn't. They would maintain a couple. They would do what they had set out to do. They were the adults. They decided. We came along, the ones that wanted to and the ones that didn't, well they didn't. I can't remember my parent or any step parent acting as if they felt quilt about that or contemplating staying behind.

I have before not said anything about it as I want him to want to by himself, not because I say so, to chose us too.

Am I seeing this the wrong way? I know there is most certainly many perspectives to look at this at?

Before there has been many things before I suspect he was on the autism spectrum when I did not say anything about it, but was hurt in secret about it. There were so many times I wanted him to by himself, his own free will, want to, but then turns out he didn't. I did not want to feel as if I would quilt trip him or manipulate him in any other way for him to want to, I did not want to having to express myself. I wanted him to want to. Come to that conclusion himself. Feel that in his heart.

Well I am going to continue on my monologue thread here, ha ha.

Talked to my husband

Realized before doing so that I am up to my old habits which is to ponder about it for days and to then look for reassurance or other opinions before actually me bringing it up with him.
All good :)

I am thinking I finally understand why me and my soulmate/my husband got together. Perhaps for me to start to recognize my own emotions, perspective and communicate it right. And he too to have grown from his defense-mechanism and communicate in a healthy way to me too.

[lostsoul13]

There’s so many Carly’s I couldn’t have a favourite: spending time with each one was easy to start off with(sandwich theory) my soul was anchored to their body.. I still could feel all their pain..

But imo there are ones that exclude them selfs we just carry on as a group as to tease them into rejoining.. it usually works a little jealousy seems to stir inside them.. not that Carly is jealous of Carly they are soul sisters/ best friends- all they have is each other.. the clan is all they know!!

There’s also been times where one is excelling a little behind the others, reading,writing or getting into the groove of pretend playing… usually half hour with them helps as they really have attention for it.. they want to be apart of the group…

I still can’t believe reincarnation is going to rip us all apart and hurt us.. it’s gonna take years of healing.. reunion … cry

[Cattems]

When I was a child I was like yours. Mostly I thought the activities of my family were plain and simple: "stupid" and I didn't want to do them. No one in the family took my side, I was alone and that was the way I preferred it.

If a child does not want to participate, then they don't want to participate. But showing affection when said child asks for it is another matter entirely. I learned (to late) that putting my tasks and chores aside for a moment isn't that bad. Sometimes you can get away with setting a time for the child later if what you are doing is time sensitive. Sometimes this works and sometimes it does not. Sometimes the child feels hurt and rejected if you can't tend to them "right now." But again that is their choice.

It's when they grow up and mature that it all makes sense to them. My daughter was angry with me from her late 20's to her mid 40's. It took her that long to "figure it out."

In the end she realized that I loved her and did the best I could with the knowledge I had back then. We are very close now. It was a life lesson only she could learn. I couldn't help her with that one.

Yes, I agree, it is important to put things aside and I have done that when possible and it could be this that the child is used to. Can be sensory overload why the child is retreating or chose from before it don't want to. When moving in groups (family, friends) I can't always do that though.

How wonderful you and your daughter are close these days :)

[Cattems]

You might also look into autism spectrum. This is a condition overlooked.