Why act like that, and should I do something about it?

With my husband, who I think too, as he is my type, is good looking. Throughout our relationship there are these women who check him out.

Like recently we went somewhere and he was busy looking at his cellphone and talking to me. I noticed this woman behind him and could calculate what she was doing, and she was into him, and she was even at the end moving into his sphere/space, stepping it up. I can't explain it more in detail.

When he and I would attend bigger parties or family events in the past people would not recognize us as a couple, less married. His behavior would be off already in the car getting there. He had social anxiety that he did not talk to me about. It was as if he became someone else. I learned this. He would disconnect. I knew I would have my man back with me in the car later on our way home. While there he would to me act as if he was Mr Cool (By then he had managed to break about 10 social code rules within few minutes or so, including couple-rules). The only way I could stand this was if I was too disconnected from him, which he of course would not even notice as he was the one first disconnecting from me. Him disconnecting from me frighten me. But I know i made it clear in my head that I was not gonna run after him, I was not gonna glue myself to him, I was definitely not gonna reach out for him physically at all (as he had once scolded at me for doing that, how romantic). If we would come off as anything, it would at most be friends, I think.

Smaller group of people, lets say another couple and just us - that was way better. Then he was home. Himself. He is then lovely. When he is himself he is lovely. It then do not matter if he breaks a social cue or not as we can all then see who he really is.

He would tell me, regarding the no-touching-rule of his (in the past) that there was nothing worse to him than when couple's were "gushing" and so on in front of others. That he would remember when he was single and exposed to that. He thought more about what he assumed everyone else was thinking, more than he ever gave a dam about what sort of message he was sending to me. He had been messed up I think by one of his parent making mock of people showing normal physical tenderness to each other (envy I am sure). We basically stood there as 2 singles because of his rule. I told him that I thought he had (in the past) overreacted, that me reaching out to hold his hand or touch his shoulder was not "gushing", it was normal behavior between a woman and her man, and that I wanted to be with a man who would be proud to have me do that in public. That if that set things off, if people did not like that, that was their problem.

I once asked him if he was ashamed to be seen with me in public as that was the message he sent not just to me but to others by him behaving like he did. He said no, of course not and that he had not meant anything by it. That he hated those things and couldn't wait til we were back home again.

He is either in surrounding under-reacting or over-reacting to stimuli, impressions from the surrounding. He is on the autism spectrum. When he is focused on something he is focused on that. There has been times I have wondered if he catches what I do from the surrounding and the people in it or not.

I have always stood by when these particular women check him out or do more. I have always thought it to be either flattering for him (even if he pays no attention to it) and for me to think Well, I got him, so...thanks for looking, he's going home with me tonight. He's my candy. You just get to look at him right now. That sort of thing, trying to boost myself up here a little, I guess. (Sorry If I am totally objecting my husband, a human being, reducing him as candy, I hope you get what I mean).

The other part of me has thoughts like Why is she doing this? Can't she see he is taken for? Why do she step this up? She has to see his ring right? Even if she don't think he is my man, he's someone's man.

I've had situations where a woman would pretend she was taking a selfie but she was taking a photo of him, and he did not notice. I could tell when she sway her cellphone, see what she had done. And what should I do? Should I stand up and say Hey, don't do that, OK. ???

My biological father was good looking too (if he happened to be your type that is) and I know my mom said something and the way she said it revealed that this became something difficult for her to handle and she would later say he was unfaithful while he would not talk about it or see it like that. A part of me have thought that this is just typical, I get to chose my father in a way. I get to be in the same shoes as my mom were in. The way she would handle things when she was afraid was to be dominant. And she was being very dominant to him which he did not like, from what I have been told. I have then tried a different approach which is that I automatically withdraw. It is almost as if I am watching everything on the television, like a program, not that I am actually there.

To be upfront. I want these women to have some God dam respect that we are a couple, and respect that I am actually existing right there, with him. That I want another woman to respect me as a woman, woman to woman, sister to sister. That had it been the other way around I would do no checking on her man and I would not step it up. But because this is happening to him, and he is not reacting, I just sit there. I say nothing. I do nothing. I just want away from the situation.

He is not someone who dress in a way to get attention, lets say someone to see his muscles or strong colors that almost blind you (NOT that there is anything wrong with that, I think people should dress any way they like depending on their mood for that day, what ever makes them shine from the inside out, I never care, non of my business, their body, their clothes). He still has an edge to him (Sure of his taste), though, but I can tell he wants to blend it, that is obvious. But then of course he still got his face and his body. He can't start sawing pieces off or wear a mask. From what I have been able to tell at times, he is actually shy. A shy guy. When that comes over him, that is.

Today there are no question marks at social gatherings if we are a couple or not. It was as if he really took that to heart once I felt it was too late and I was asking him to agree to a divorce. I was fed up with everything (his social anxiety just being one small portion of that).

At first it felt staged and I would have preferred then him not acting like that but then I learned to relax and then start to enjoy it and feel safe again. He would not disconnect from me again. He would not be everywhere and nowhere. There would be no women commenting no more to each other or to me even if I had seen that hot guy over there (my husband). Those times I pretended not to hear, and start keeping myself busy with something else. I had thought first off it was our bad, had he or we behaved in a normal way from the get to, that woman or those women would know he was my man, and that meant they would not comment like that, so I took the blame for that. I did not want to embarras her or them, this why I pretended not to hear or to comment.

I have also thought that some women take for granted that he has a particular taste in some women (a type of women) that he does not have, and so then me sitting there or walking beside him, they don't think he's my man?? Is our chemistry that off?? Am I that inferior to him?? Can't someone like me get someone like him?? Obviously I can. It's totally disrespectful.

In the past I have even tried to copy how the women flirting with him looked like so I turned up one time with fake nails and fake eye lashes and what ever I now got on, almost tripping over myself. I think we had a laugh when one of the fake crooked nails fell into my coffee and I switched to his cup.

There is this part of me that feel personally offended when it ought to be clear, even if we are not holding hands across the table, that that "hot guy" is taken for, he's with me, actually, I'm not his sister or his friend or work colleague, we're a couple. That it is as if I am either invisible or it is OK to treat me like that (the other woman treating me like that). I just do not know what , or if to do something about it when it happens, and I always end up doing nothing, only observing. I don't even bring it up with him, as I can tell he can not tell or if he can tell he ignores. He has only said one time when I brought it up that I needed not to worry about that, that if that was to happen (It already had!) he would not respond to it.

Any ideas how I should approach this instead? It is getting under my skin, at times I can deal with it, no problem, but when it is being stepped up like that (and I can't get into the details how that is being done) it is starting to effect me. I am not imagine these things. I am sensitive and I notice details and this is something that has worked very well for me in other areas of my life. Should I start to Look the woman straight in the eye and keep it like that - like chilling long?? As if I am capable of murder? That I just was let loose from the nut house? Or about to become one after this, once they have caught me after I've made mush out of her? Should I go : Get your own candy! Yeah, you heard me! . But then I think I would come off as a total jealous woman, and my husband going What's wrong with you?

[Redchic12]

Omg the joys of having a good looking husband!

To quote Eleanor Roosevelt: You gotta be lying down to be stood on.

I realised ide done the same as you many many years ago when I was younger and spent too many years wanting things to change. They don’t. Since then If I don’t like a situation and it can’t seem to be resolved, I walk away. I’ve walked away from quite a few relationships and never regretted it once. Looking back those men are STILL acting the same way in the present.

I read a lovely quote from Wayne Dyer that really helped me: you teach other people how to treat you.

Wow I really did take that on board and my life changed for the better.

So sorry to hear what your going thru. I hope some some of this helps. Take care.

[Traveler]

He's masking. It's something neurodivergent people have to do to 'fit in' socially. But underneath, they're quaking with anxiety and terrified that someone will 'out them'. It's like he's built up an other persona to help him deal with social functions. Kinda like Beyoncés stage persona Sasha Fierce.

[Redchic12]

Omg Traveller you are so right! Love your comments.

[AngelBlue]

I was married to a man just the same as that.
He made me 'wear' clothes that I was uncomfortable in for nights out ...a dress so short one time that I was ridiculed and embarrassed all night long with people asking me did I forget to put my skirt/ trousers on.
The humiliation was off the rhictoscale.
This same man would whisper in my ear, as I left to go to work , that he was going to kill our children.
After 22 years I found the nerve to divorce him.
He's dead now. Died from cancer age 56.

[Redchic12]

So glad to hear you got away tho. Good on ya.

[AngelBlue]

Married to another man now ( I KNOW! When will I ever learn !)
But he treats me so well. Would give me the sun moon and stars if he could .
Having said that he's a bloke and proper gets on my nerves mostly LOL.
And being serious , we went through many years of our own problems but we are still here somehow to tell the tale ( although I'm sure the two versions would be VERY different)..

Thank you all so for your comments, and me too sorry to learn of your past experiences.

That sounds sick to me having a husband wanting you dressed up revealing that much that you were in no way comfortable in. (My husband has been the other way around not that I am comfortable in revealing too much but more him making sure nothing shows "that are for my eyes only", so he has been too much in the other direction. He has always been very strict about that. I have tried to point out the most obvious to him which is that for instance lots of women, lets say we are to go on a swim, wear a lot less, than I do, and that it is my body, my choice what to wear, not his).

Yes, Traveler. I agree. (edited)
He would even mask over at his parents home. How about that. But that I think has 100% to do with the attitude of one of his parents.

I have seen this old family video from when my husband was a child. I saw a young boy (my husband) showing what is one of the most famed signs of autism and his parent making fun of him on camera, you could hear this parent's voice. I saw this young boy (my husband that is) with beautiful sensitive eyes, a chin so hard, a determination, and then him zooming everyone (including the parent) and everything out and doing "his thing", which was impressive. That shut up his parent, on the tape. (I was like "Yes!").

The boy I saw on this tape was someone I only wanted to, had I been there in any role, show my love to, but even with parents present and everyone else, this was not what he was shown, at the time. When I saw it I paused the camera (I was alone once watching all this, going through them) and put my hand on the screen on his cheek. I felt tears dwelling up. This was him, as a boy, and I was so proud of him. I wished I had been able to reach through time and space.

I do not know the times when I see he is not reacting when I think a woman into him is stepping it up if it is because again his boundaries are screwed up with from childhood, so he is being too tolerant, too kind, or he can not tell. Worst thought if he invites it in, if he wants it, and how is he when I am not around? Those difficult thoughts that I had to learn to shake off. Had it been me I would take a step back. I know of one time when I would have reacted had it been me, but he didn't. That has scared me. I do not want anything to happen. I do not want the memory of seeing that.

I still have no clue on how to treat these women when they step it up like that. This last (recent) time it was so obvious he was not reciprocating in any way, he was not inviting this in, he was not even aware of her. It is always as if it is this light within these women that goes on, and from that point on I can watch them go through the entire process, the looks, them flickering with their hair, and then some, and then some…

On the other hand I should have understood this. Already on first night out (when we were not a couple) I saw him from a distance and it was more than one woman stepping it up and he was being gracious about it. When they step it up it can be them putting their hand on his arm, for instance, like they physically has to do that or stand in a certain way.

I do not know how I could have handled it the years before but I know I was better at it before. I know i use to think it was funny that people, both men and women and all sorts of ages, would react to his looks. I would ask him to come on, tell me what planet he was really from. We would have fun with it. Never did he ever get that glott in his eyes. He was still lovely, and had a humble but still confident attitude. He would smile or laugh at it (compliments) and that made him look even better. It was never that sure-of-himself-attitude coming off as if "of course, why are you even saying the obvious". I know he one time replied jokingly to me to stop objecting him.

All these other women, they got to me more and more. I got emotional when he would say (when going through if autistic or not) he had no trouble spotting me, my face, "My wife", from all the rest (trouble with recognizing faces and some facial expressions if not sensitive). All this time I had worried or felt inferior or felt crowded and all this time these sometimes gorgeous women wanting his attention he did not see, but he saw me. I think perhaps he misunderstood me then as he just patted me on my knee and said "It's OK", as him wanting to comfort me, that he was that "awful at it", and I honestly could not have been more happy.

I have joked with him and said once he gets to heaven and get to have his life review he is going to then notice all these gorgeous women flirting with him, that he proberbly missed, and he's gonna go oh, can I go back down there again, and the answer will be nope, the ultimatum why you got to look the way you got to look was for you to not notice all of them, but that one - yes, that screwed up sensitive one (me), her you will notice ;)

[Traveler]

Watch some videos made by people on the spectrum and see what they say about masking. Masking is a term used that means 'to fit in' to act more 'normal' as it were.

When I was young and single, I found it irritating to have men flirt with me that I wasn't interested in. I'm sure he feels the same way.

And your jealousy is your problem not his. He's never given you a reason to question his fidelity to you, in fact, he ignores the other women, right? Working on your triggers and why your jealousy flairs even though you trust your husband would probably be a good idea.

And the women who are drawn to him are drawn not only to his good looks but his 'humble and confident' attitude. Like bees are drawn to honey. But he only has eyes for you and at the end of the day, he's going home with you and not them.

[Redchic12]

Yes I think Traveller has made some very good points there.