Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

i keep forgetting,
not supposed to
voice preferences
as to what others think about me

sorry...
back to your regularly scheduled program
sigh...
-------------------------------------------------
yesterday was such fun!
I was driving down the road
and totally forgot
what road
I was on!

Dreams can come true

[FallingLeaves]

so i was thinking
all my life
I've been refusing to settle
for whatever meditation
i was doing

rather than choose the one true feeling
all the times i was given that choice
I've treated it like
well maybe like
it was one of those moving targets,

today it is in one place,
but tomorrow
maybe it changes shape
and moves to another place

so if i shoot at what it was
and where it was
yesterday
i come up empty...

and that forces me to pay attention
to where it is
today.

which is a big difference
from what I was doing before.
so lost in past and future!

So no wonder
i think it
such a big deal
that I'm actually able
to pay attention sometimes...
---------------------------------------------------------------
everyone
seems to want
to be a backseat driver
telling god
what is wrong with his reality
and how they would fix it
if they only had the chance??????

personally i think
everything god has done
is perfect.

while i don't pretend
to understand the whole thing
no not at all
I do think
I understand enough
to see
that the breadth of his planning
is just breathtaking

and personally
i don't see any reason
to contend
with all the things
he set in motion
that
everyone else
contends with

maybe i like some of it
maybe i don't like some of it
but i trust his judgement on this more than my own.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
and honestly
I'm just as glad
I don't have to deal with
the mess he has to deal with
myself,

power trips aside
it just doesn't seem
like it would be any fun
taking care of
the lives of
a bunch of unruly children
who think they are learned
and glorious
and wise
and all the other nice things
they can find
to say about themselves

instead of looking directly at what they are.

[FallingLeaves]

i do miss
having someone
sometimes

but honestly
i've been so alone
for so long
I can't even conceive
any more
how that could even work...

I've changed and grown
in so many ways
especially over the last decade
but it isn't enough i guess.

if i were young
there *might be*
a way forward
but I'm not...

so just one foot in front of the other
and keep doing what I'm doing
and maybe
if im lucky
some day
someone will actually be able to relate to me
in some way I am finally able to accept...

[FallingLeaves]

hm
i just figured out
why
im so darned frustrated!

I'm a life path 8!
and i hate living that way!

sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

i been feeling kinda quiet
reserved
so
not making myself talk.

It isn't like though
either
that I have anything to say
that is oh so important
that I think
others just HAVE to hear it!
lol

the only thing
thagt really
piqued my interest
was complaing about
this expectations
that females
have to be equal to males

i think it was an expectation
jesus set up
but personally
I don't much like the idea
of being a female
then having to act like a male
anyway

bad enough
that I'm a male
and have to face my angst
about not wanting to act that way
already

anyway
i alsoi noticed
you been distant
lately....

[FallingLeaves]

well
some of the things
I've become
at least a little
appreciative
of
now that I've been made
to experience them

averting my eyes is nice
not speaking unless spoken to is nice
avoiding teaching is nice
following is better than leading

i know this was all
asked of women
in different times and places

and i know
in my own culture
right now
such attitudes are disliked

to the point
i felt awful
about who i was
when 'forced'
to do them

but now
for whatever reason
those kinds of distances
and ceding of control
seem
a little appealing....

[FallingLeaves]

im not being obtuse
just don't have much to say

I kinda understand
everyone expects me to be
a moocher
and I just have to live with that.
-------------------------------------------------------
Been battling the celebrity demons
some more.

Tired of having to think
there coudl be something there
when I know there can't.

Life is just awful sometimes
all the things I shouldn't een have to cope with
just being thrown in my face all day
-----------------------------------------------------
then i took a break from that
and saw the twinalike.

i don't avoid twins
no point
it is just gonna come back anyway
i might as well learn to cope with it....
------------------------------------------------------
Any more I'm not believing it
when I get a feeling
that someone likes me...

apparently my idea
of who likes me
apparently
being terribly off
sigh...

but it is terrible
too
having to deal with
the idea
that I have to chase around after someone
when noone wants me anyway

and I don't really even want
to be chasing around
after others
either
as it turns out.
---------------------------------------------------
I figure
while I'm remembering
how mean my twin was
with her unreachable goals
I'll just go on
understanding
there is nothing here for me
and live without anyone
much as that hurts.

and I'll deal with
later
when I've forgotten again
later
when I've forgotten again.
-------------------------------------------------------------
i been kinda low energy
between eating less meat
and not chasing the twin
kinda leaves me with no
sense of purpose
I guess...

still doing stuff
it is just very low energy
and not very directed
sigh...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
have a nice day!

[FallingLeaves]

well
fwiw
im meditating at least as much
if not more
than I have in the past

sometimes i even meditate at home now!

things are going swimmingly
if you ask me!

always something new to learn
even though sometimes
Im doing difficult stufff....

just this by nature
is
and always has been
a very slow endeavor
for a me to follow

lol
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
although lots of times I'm like
do i really wanna do this?
Isn't it just going to end up
in another massive fight
with people
i don't even wanna relate to
in the first place?
When is enough enough?
And maybe I should just stop already?

I would wish
it could be like

that emporer
who had no clothes

where everyone just can't see
what is going on
around them
except maybe the children...

well people can't really anyway
from what I can tell lol...
so very lost in their thought-worlds...
and that is when they aren't in deep sleep...

so why do I have to
ask for them to be
animated
as if they can?

but in my own life
it even seems
somewhat reasonable
that things could turn out that way

but
honestly
this lifetime
I've been getting so very used to the fact
I'm not going
to be able
to stop
my twin
from randomly pulling rugs
out from under my feet
so
i can't rely
even on
being comforted by that.

so

do i really wanna do this?
when is enough enough?
and maybe I should just stop already?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
well anyway though
since 'something's gotta give'
lol
i haven't been so fixated
on my other hobby

been using the time to sleep
instead

oh well...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
not so invested in
'being in love'
right now
either

it is has been a long hard road
getting to the point
of being sure enough
that I don't want
and don't have to have
the only life that is open to me
in that regards

and now I'm willing to let that go...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

[FallingLeaves]

so um
i realized yesterday
what i was saying
from day to day
was a little contradictory
but
for a change
i felt comfortable
just saying what I wanted

instead of trying
to force one set of words
to match up with another set of words
I let the chips fall where they may

That is huge
that I felt comfortable enough with you
that i wouldn't try to be controlling
in that way
and try to portray things
in some superficial
consistent manner
the way i always do

would just say what i felt.

Even though I also felt
that what I was saying
was probably kinda confusing
lol!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
So after all this
the truth is
I think very highly of you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah for a long time
there was a lot of discontent
while I tried to get my own way in things

but now i'm just slightly older
and I start to understand
it isn't always about getting what I want...
and sometimes what actually happens
when I'm not being vainglorious
and demanding
is actually quite beautiful

but,
knowing that
doesn't stop me from being scared...
as you have the power of life and death over me
and you don't mind using it!

anyway
im glad we met
but
all things said and done
for a change
I don't see a clear path forward
and unfortunately for a you
I actually like that

I'm so tired of doing stuff!


lol...

[FallingLeaves]

that was just mean

i been goin out of my way
to share
to not hide
at least to the extent it is appropriate
in the places im allowed to speak...

and then you yell at me
for being closed off
and hiding
and keeping secrets

I just wanted to die
i couldn't even listen to it

i hate you sometimes