Originally Posted by RainJQ
I didn't blame the people who abused me. Forgiving them was the easy part. .
Maybe thatís part of the problem?
Not a therapist but I suggest you listen to the others and seek help. You initial post is a lot of work vomit - and by that I mean itís literally like reading the ramblings of a distressed person. I mean that in the kindest but most literal way.
Maybe just maybe you forgave them too quickly and didnít actually deal with the pain of the abuse? Maybe your still dealing with that trauma and your spiritual attackers are you own subconscious tearing apart because you havenít actually addressed the abuse - you said forgiveness for them was easy, like you swept it under the rug and it wasnít a big deal. But from the way you are typing and being and the things you were saying sounds like IT WAS a big deal,
Iím saying this from experience.
I was raped a second time by a total stranger.
I lost my virginity to rape 10 years earlier and finally thought I was over it when I was attacked again. This time by a stranger.
After than night I cried myself to sleep when I walked home from his on my own.
I woke up the next day and acted like it never happened.
And from that day for the next 8 months my life was HELL.
I started taking drugs, and getting myself lost in drugs. I was partying hard. Taking stupid risks. I ended up sleeping on beaches. No one recognized me. I went from pretty girl full of potential about to got to college to Street hag.
I sounded crazy and delusional to everyone who knew me.
I stopped caring about myself and I believed I was fine. That I was not the problem.
Then one fateful night on drugs, I had a really bad trip.
I felt super guilty and didnít trust any of the people I was with. This trip caused me to value the people i do have in my life. And it scared the **** out of me and my family.
The next day I went cold turkey and booked in for a reiki treatment.
3 days after the reiki it all came flooding back.
The attack, the guy who did it, everything.
And I cried and cried and felt so much pain.
I had hated myself for so long for letting that happen to me again! I had wanted to block it out of my life.
But then I could start healing.
I went to therapy again
now Iím not in therapy but I am in a healthy relationship. I have overcome that pain. Iíve reclaimed the pretty girl I used to be and I have a bright future ahead of me.
Like I donít know you, but reading that sounded a lot like me during that time in my life.
So I hope this helps...